Group of Weirdos: Majora's Mask
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: Link travels to a new land on a more personal journey, but ends up wrapped in another superevil's schemes. He must now go across Termina and gain allies to fight against Skull Kid, and who better than the bosses he beats? It worked so well last time...
1. A New Adventure

_At last, my Majora's Mask parody has started! For those of you who don't know the Group of Weirdos format, the beaten bosses will join up with Link. That's about it. Look out for the previous installment's characters..._

_This is going to be really fun. I could just go on and on about why Majora's Mask is my favourite game ever, but I won't because even though my opinions are unbelievably entertaining and correct, that isn't what you're here for. And if it is, yay! Now I hope you enjoy this New Year's special!_

_And if you haven't read the first (GoW: Ocarina of Time), do so. It's done and good._

_Published January 1, 2010_

**A New Adventure**

"What a nice forest." Link looked at his surroundings from Epona's back, bathing in the beauty of the huge, dying trees. Despite their near dead appearance the trees were all massive, bigger than most trees in the Korkiri Forest.

"I beg to differ, this place is awful," Morpha argued from near Epona's rear. "And did you have to tie me so close to your horse's ass?"

"Yes, I like leg room."

His companion grumbled, really hoping that Epona wouldn't fart anytime soon. Both went quiet as they travelled through the forest. There weren't any animals there, most likely due to the lack of food. "You know," Morpha began, starting a conversation again, "if you didn't want to be famous anymore you could have just claimed I did it…"

"I like my escape better."

"You mean that scarecrow in your house that faintly looks like you?"

"Exactly."

-Hyrule-

"Hero of Time, how should I deal with the Wolfos living in my chicken coop?" a random farmer asked the scarecrow.

Its eye fell off.

"Um… buy a sword and stab it," Zelda quickly said.

-The forest-

"Another point of this trip is to find Navi and get that pizza," Link added. "I think she may have gotten lost in this forest, which is Hyrule's only exit that isn't the ocean or a desert."

"Both of which we've already checked…" Morpha shuddered from the memory. "Remind Zelda to go to war with that Frulvakia country to the west."

"Okay, I didn't like their food anyway. Every time I had some I passed out and didn't have any socks when I woke up. It must have been really spicy."

"I'm going to sleep."

Far ahead of Link, Morpha, and Epona were two fairies, one white and one a dark blue. The white fairy saw them coming and quickly hid herself and the other behind a tree. "You know the plan, right?"

"Of course! How could I forget such a wondrous plan that _I_ made? It is the pinnacle of perfection!"

She nodded slowly. "Yes, our 'jump out and make lots of noise' plan is flawless. Good job Tael, good job."

"Why thank you my dear sister, it is a pleasure to see that my-"

"Here's the deal: You stop talking like that and I don't drive my fist into your gut," she interrupted, cracking her knuckles ominously. Tael backed up a bit.

"Got it."

They waited until Epona was very close to them before striking. Tatl and Tael flew out and right into Epona's face before screaming really loudly. Epona bucked, throwing Link off of her back and onto his head. He groaned, sitting up.

"He's not out!" Tael screamed.

"Beat him!" The two small fairies beat the Hero of Time into unconsciousness. "There we go, problem solved."

Morpha, who was about to say something at this point, noticed a dark, spiky mask appear in mid air near the fairies. Behind the mask then came a Skull Kid; it was a very delayed teleportation. The Skull Kid lifted the mask off of his face to get a better view of the situation. "Ha, you two fairies did great! He looks loaded!"

"Not really," Tatl said as she circled Link. "The only valuable things look like that shield and the giant ball on the horse."

"My worth is beyond what your pathetic international system of currency can measure!" Morpha announced, scaring the fairy that had been floating right beside him. "Were I not tied up to prevent falling off the horse I would be destroying you all!"

Tatl flew away from the talking ball. "It's a talking ball! It- Skull Kid what are you doing?"

"Searching him," Skull Kid told her as he patted down Link's body. "Aha!" He pulled out the ocarina of time, fiddling with it for a moment before finding the mouth hole and blowing into it, sending out a noise that could wake the dead.

"My ears! They burn!" Tael groaned. "Let _me _try it out!"

Tatl smacked him. "You can't, Tael! We can't risk the chance of you dropping and breaking it! No way you're touching it!"

"I won't break it, I swear!" Tael pleaded, wincing as Skull Kid played another high pitch note. Being tone deaf, Tatl didn't really care about it.

"It's bigger than you, of course you'll break it!"

Link groaned, covering his ears and rolling away from Skull Kid. "My ears, they bleed..." Skull Kid blew another note, giggling to himself. Link opened his eyes, sitting up. "Who's making that noise? Hey, is that the ocarina of time?"

Skull Kid jumped, barely catching the ocarina. He turned to face Link, hiding it behind his back. "What ocarina? There's no ocarina, not this time, nope, not at all."

"Really? I could have sworn that you had it a few seconds ago before it disappeared."

"Nope, you saw wrong, yes you did."

"Was that a yes or a no?"

"A no."

"Oh, that's bad. Could you help me find it?"

"Yes I can. Oh, I think I see it near your horse. I'll get it for you!" He ran at Epona, jumping on top of her. Epona turned her head to stare at him blankly. "Go! Move forwards! YAH! Please move? Come on!"

"This is embarrassing," Tatl told him.

"Why won't you go? Stupid horse..." He kicked her side, resulting in Epona finally taking off at full speed.

"Save me!" Morpha cried. Link, somehow having incredible reflexes, jumped at Epona and grabbed onto Morpha, getting trailed behind the horse while tugging on part of him. "OW-OW-OW-OW-OW! Let go, let go!"

"Yeah, let go!" Skull Kid kicked him in the face and turned Epona around a sharp corner, sending Link flying off and into a large tree stump.

"I changed my mind, save me again!" Morpha yelled as they disappeared into the woods.

Link, despite a fractured spine, stood up and limped after them. He slashed his way through the bushes, fighting whatever came between him and his goal. The ground, dyed in his enemies' blood, left a trail of his deeds as he pursued the thief. The hero heroically burst through the foliage into a clearing.

"What are you doing back here?"

He turned to see Mido staring at him.

"Oops."

Link turned around, following his trail until he reached a stump with his back's imprint. He went the other way this time. Link hopped up a bunch of stumps and entered the cave up there as the horse tracks went inside the darkness. "What was that word Navi used to describe going in caves?" Link asked himself as he weaved his way down the passage. "Sperunking? Spelunking? Karvunking? Sletonking? Spe-" It turned out that the tunnel opened up into a large pit, one that he fell in. There was much high pitch screaming.

His fall was broken by a large flower, one that he landed on feet first. This shattered his legs, resulting in him falling forwards into the water where he struggled to stay up.

"This is sad," Skull Kid said as he watched Link drown in the two inch deep water. He took pity on the Hylian boy and pushed him into a sitting position before going back to his other spot – floating in mid air underneath a spotlight. "What's with that stupid horse of yours? It doesn't listen to a word that's said to it!"

"Where is Epona?" Link asked.

"I really don't know." Skull Kid turned left, and Link followed his gaze to a hole in the wall. "It just kept running, we had to bail. Well, I did you a favour in getting rid of it anyway, it isn't like the horse was useful."

"What about Morpha?"

"You mean that screaming ball thing? It wouldn't shut up about how superior it was, so I got rid of it!"

"B-but Morpha was the only thing for me to talk to!"

"And I care because...? I think I'll have a little fun with you."

Link took out his sword and shield. "Bring it on, I've fought the king of evil and won, so a floating Skull Kid with a mask won't be much of a problem!"

Skull Kid laughed. "You really think you can beat me? Yeah right, what a fool!" He began to shake his mask, dark energy pouring out of it and making its way towards Link. "Taste a little of this!"

Link began to feel light headed, his vision going fuzzy and eventually going completely black. He couldn't see Skull Kid, the fairies, the flower, anything at all. A rattling drew his attention. Link turned to see a Deku Scrub, and then another one, and then another one, and then another six hundred. All of them began to converge on Link. "Ha, I can take all of you!" A massive Scrub began to rise on the horizon. "Running time!" He ran and ran, but no matter how much he did the Scrub only got closer. "Why do my legs work?" was his last thought before everything went dark again.

The sound of Skull Kid's laughter brought Link back to the land of consciousness. It was also a land that had shiny things, another compelling force that helped Link awaken. He stood, wobbling but not due to his legs being injured. His head was really big, and his body was really small. Skull Kid laughed even harder, flailing his legs around in the air. "Hee, hee! Now that's a really good look for you! Have fun staying here like that forever!"

Link looked at his reflection as Skull Kid moved toward the door, seeing a green wearing Deku Scrub looking back at him! "NOOO! My golden locks! My fleshy skin!" He looked in his skirt. "My penis! Don't you dare leave on me!" He ran at Skull Kid but suddenly Tatl came at him, beating on Link again.

"This is two out of two that I've won!" Tatl exclaimed as she hit Link again. "It's a good day!"

"Sis!" She turned to see the door slam down, cutting her off from the other two.

"HEY! HEY! SKULL KID, wait for me! I'M STILL HERE!" She banged on the door. "Don't you dare leave on me!" Tatl sighed, realizing that she couldn't open it.

"When you hurt me, bad things happen," Link chided through his tube mouth. "Now you don't get to see your brother again. So what have we learned today?"

"YOU! If I wasn't dealing with you, I wouldn't have gotten separated from my brother!"

"T-that's not what I was getting a-" She began to hurt him again.

"Now do something to get me out of here!" Tatl ordered as she stopping attacking the bruised and chipped Link, leaving his body twitching on the ground. He stared at her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You hurt me then ask for a favour?"

"No, I hurt you then demand that you do something or I'll hurt you again!"

"Has anyone ever told you that you're insane?"

"Many times, now open the door before I crack something!"

Link stood up, wobbling over to the door and falling several times as he tried to adjust to being a Deku Scrub. He reached the door, pushing on it as hard as he could.

"It's a vertically opening door, that won't help."

"Fine, fine." Link took out his sword, and even though it was too big to use efficiently in combat he could still stick it under the door and lift it up like a lever. This worked, and they squeezed through before it fell back down. "Now you owe me."

"I don't owe you shit."

"Well of course you don't, that isn't something I'd want."

"Did your companion stay on the fleeing horse by his own will by any chance?"

Link waddled down the tunnel. "So anything about being a Deku that I should know?"

"If you spin fast enough you can cut things," Tatl told him. "Also, you can burrow into giant flowers, grab their pedals and jump in the air, hovering with them."

"How does that work?"

"I don't know, you're the Deku. Figure it out with that flower over there." They approached a flower that was on the edge of the ledge, the tunnel continuing on the other side of the chasm before them.

"I've figured out harder stuff than this!"

-Seconds later-

"HELP!" Link was stuck in the chasm, lying on his back. "I can't stand up!"

-Afterwards-

"That was smart what you did," Link complemented as they entered the next room. "It looked painful though."

"It was. Now let's never speak of it again."

The room was a huge, bottomless pit with a few platforms sticking up. Each had Deku Flowers on them. "Um... is there anything pleasant at the bottom of that pit?"

Tatl flew down there and came back up several minutes later. "There's a huge crocodile that, when asked, said he would love to eat you if you fell. Have fun!"

Link gulped nervously as he burrowed into the flower and burst out, now hovering in the air. He moved forward and got over the first platform just before the flowers gave out. "YES!"

"Now do it three more times."


	2. Three Days as a Deku

_These next two chapters were originally going to be one, but it started to get too long so I split it. Yay me!_

_Published January 3, 2010_

**Three Days as a Deku**

"Is it just me, or does this tree look sad?" Tatl asked Link as they stood beside a strange, Deku shaped tree.

"I think it looks thoughtful. You know, that kind of painful thoughtful where you think about something really hard and it hurts."

"It's kind of gloomy..."

"Or perhaps it was hit really hard and is in pain!"

"Almost like it could start crying any second now..."

"Must have been a crotch shot. But what if it's a female tree? Then where was it hit?"

"We aren't even having the same conversation anymore."

Link passed through the next door and stopped, staring at the twisting room. He hesitantly walked forwards, not noticing Tatl giving him a confused look. "Why are you walking so slowly?"

"This room... something isn't right."

"You mean how you eventually end up walking on the ceiling? If _that_ of all things bothers you than Termina isn't going to be a happy place."

"I know, it's scary."

Once Link got through the scary room a large steel door closed behind him. They were now inside the clock tower, and there were gears everywhere. "What is this insane place?!"

"This is the clock tower. These gears make the clock move. This is a well known technology. Your country must be really behind the times. Hyrule, right?"

"Yup. I'm the one who saved it from the king of all evil!"

"Of course you are."

Link ascended the steps with difficulty, having trouble going up on his stubby Deku legs. Tatl took pity on him and began to help him go up. It was at this point that they were interrupted.

"You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"

Link turned around sharply, forgetting about his situation. He slipped and fell, landing on his back again. The Happy Mask Salesman helped him stand up again. "Have I met you before?"

"Most likely. I am known as the Happy Mask Salesman, owner of the Happy Mask Shop. I travel around in search of masks to add to my collection."

"What's your real name?" Tatl asked the perpetually smiling man.

"Classified. Never ask that again." His smile became ominous. "During my travels in this area, a very important mask was stolen from me by an imp in the woods. So here I am at a loss, unable to retrieve the mask. And now I've found you. Please don't think me rude, but I've been following you."

"That's pretty rude," Tatl interjected. "Why didn't you try to help him at all in his suffering?"

He faced Tatl with the ominous smile again. "You look an awful lot like one of the fairies accompanying the imp."

"Shutting up."

The Mask Salesman turned back to Link with a normal smile, stroking his chin in thought. "I believe that I know of a way to return you to your former self."

"Really?! This is great! What do I have to do?" Link excitedly asked.

"If you can get back the precious item that was stolen from you I can return you to normal. All I ask for in return is that you get back the precious mask that was stolen from me," the Mask Salesman explained.

"Morpha?"

"No no, that was not an item."

"Epona's saddle?"

"No, that is not precious."

"My wallet?"

"I am talking about the ocarina." Somehow he was still patient through all of this.

Tatl flew between them. "Wouldn't it have been easier to just say that instead of all this 'my precious' stuff?"

"That sounds a bit hard," Link commented. "The guy who took it was able to make me into a living shrub."

"To someone like you, it should by no means be a difficult task," the Mask Salesman praised.

"Oh stop, you're embarrassing me," Link bashfully said, waving the comment off.

"Although, the one thing is... I'm a very busy fellow. I must leave this place in three days. I would be very grateful if you could bring it back to me before my time here is up. You would also find a reward in doing so, with the whole 'I can turn you back' idea that we just discussed."

"Okay, we get it," Tatl said irritably. "Three days, find Skull Kid, get mask and flute thing."

"Very good. Well then, I'm counting on you."

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

Link got his first look at Clock Town. The place was huge, and much grander than any town in Hyrule. The walls were large and thick, and the buildings looked more 3D than before. Link didn't quite get how that worked, but it did. "He gives me the creeps," Tatl said to herself. "That Mask Salesman..." She noticed Link staring at her. "Sorry, just thinking out loud."

"I want to hear the end of the thought."

"No."

"Please?"

"No. End of discussion. I'll tell you that he's really demanding though. Three days? Even if we don't sleep that's just seventy two hours to scour the land for him!"

"WOAH! What do you mean 'don't sleep'? I need sleep! I like sleep!"

"Fine, four hours of sleep a day. That give us..." She began to mentally subtract.

"Eighty four?"

"No, _fifty _four. Wait..."

"Time doesn't matter," Link decided. "What matters is finding Skull Kid as fast as possible! You know him well, where would he be?"

"He could be anywhere across Termina," Tatl said, sighing in defeat. "He's a master at hiding too, we've never caught him once in Hide and Seek."

Link began to look around the town again, shielding his eyes. "Why's the sun so bright here?"

"You're looking east at six in the morning. Think about it. We should find the Great Fairy, she will know what he's up to."

"Great Fairy? Okay, let me just look into the sun for a bit longer. I need to good and blind for this meeting. WOAH!"

"Yeah, that happens when you look into the sun."

"No, look!" Link pointed up and Tatl followed his finger, seeing what he was pointing at. "Is the moon supposed to be that big and evil?"

"No, that's not right... We better get to the Great Fairy really quickly!"

"But I'm not blind yet!"

"NOW! Also, dog."

"Dog?" He turned to see a large dog charging at him, its mouth wide open. Link screamed and tried to run, but it was too late for him. Far too late. Far. Late. Yes.

-North Clock Town-

Tatl dragged the mangled Link through the door to North Clock Town, dropping him in the grass to the side. He was covered in drool and bite marks, dragging pieces of bark behind him. "Are you alright?" a nearby town guard asked. Link struggled, eventually giving him a thumb up.

"Oooo, fairy Scrub looks mighty injured!" a short, middle aged man dressed in Kokiri wear said as he pranced over to Link. "Here, I'll help you!" He did a twirl and threw confetti, yelling "Tingle, Tingle! Kooloo-Limpah! Copyrighted by Tingle. Thanks to my magic healing powers you will feel better than ever in four days! Now I'm off to explore the world!" He pranced off, running out of town through the north gate. The gate guard didn't even look at him, but tightened his grip on his spear as Tingle passed him.

"Let's avoid him," Tatl suggested.

Link was able to walk after some time, so they ascended the ramp into the Great Fairy's Fountain. It was similar to Hyrule's fountains, only bigger and with more water. A whole bunch of tiny fairies were flying around. "The Great Fairy!" Tatl gasped. "Something happened!"

"Young one, please hear my plea!" the Great Fairy's voice echoed. "I have been broken and shattered by the masked Skull Kid. Please find the one stray fairy lost in town and bring her here."

"Why did the fairy leave?" Link asked the voice.

"I don't know! Just find her!"

The two left the Fairy Fountain, unsure of what to do now. "Where would a fairy go?" Link asked Tatl.

"I don't know, it's a different kind of fairy."

"Maybe that weird Tingle guy knows."

"No. We're staying away from him."

"Let's ask the king!"

"King? Wow, you're really old fashion... The mayor's our leader. And you kind of need an appointment to talk with him," Tatl told Link as they walked through the northern area.

"What part's he in?"

"The east, why?"

Link ran through the east gate, entering East Clock Town and instantly colliding with a man in red with a very frilly white thing around his neck. "Bah, bother, bother," he growled to himself before continuing away from the Scrub and into a building.

Tatl flew over to Link. "See what happens when you just run around blindly?"

"That guy had a unibrow."

He followed Mr. Unibrow into the building, following him up to a desk with a lady behind it. She was lying down with her feet propped on the desk casually. "I am of the Gorman Troupe. I have an appointment to meet with Madame today," Mr. Unibrow said.

"Okay, go in."

Link followed him in as Tatl pondered over the horrible security. Inside was a fat and short Zora, along with who Link could assume was this Madame as the Zora really didn't look female, having a moustache and all. "Madame Aroma, I am Gorman," Unibrow, now know as Gorman, said. "Thank you for letting us perform at this year's Carnival of Time."

"There's going to be a carnival?!" Link exclaimed, still unnoticed. "I'd be so happy right now if I knew what that was!"

"Didn't you get the message I sent to you?" Madame Aroma asked him.

"No, why?"

"Oh dear, I need to fire that postman sometime."

-Post office-

"The schedule is law," the Postman chanted as he did sit ups. "Delivery starts at nine and ends at three, no sooner, no later!" He looked at a letter to Gorman from Madame Aroma. "Sorry Madame, but you gave it to me passed the deadline. I CANNOT DISOBEY THE SCHEDULE, IT IS THE **LAW!** Were it a human I would MARRY IT! Were it an animal I would KILL and EAT IT, never shitting again so that it would stay inside of me FOREVER! The schedule makes the world spin, it makes the moon stay in the sky, it is LIFE ITSELF!"

-With Link-

"The opening performance I asked you to do was cancelled just now."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS CANCELLED?!" Gorman roared.

"Allow me to explain," Toto the Zora said. "I was to work at this year's show as well. I am Toto, manager of the Zora band, The Indigo-Go's."

"That's a horrible name," Link said.

"Quiet in the corner or I'll sit on you. There was an accident in the Great Bay and Lulu, the singer, has lost her voice."

"What kind of accident?" Tatl asked him.

"The water is murky and polluted. Her eggs were also stolen by pirates."

"How does that make someone lose their voice?"

"She got angry and yelled a lot. It physically hurt us."

"Wow, that's loud."

"Yes it is. But back to the matter at hand. Unfortunately I had to cancel our performance."

"See?" Madame Aroma said as if only to remind them that she was there as she said no more.

"S-so the Gorman Troupe's job is cancelled?"

"Yes. There's always next year, Gorman."

"DAMMIT! I NEED TO GO KILL SOMEONE!" Gorman stormed out of the room, screaming wildly. Toto and Madame Aroma went back to discussing how to properly cut a tomato.

"Shouldn't someone keep an eye on him?" Tatl asked them. "He did just threaten to kill someone."

"Oh he's just kidding," Madame Aroma said, waving Tatl's question off. A loud scream echoed in from outside. "He's just kidding."

Link hesitantly left the room and entered the one at the other end of the hallway, finding himself in some kind of meeting. There was the mayor, two soldiers, and two carpenters. "Most of the townsfolk have already taken shelter without waiting for the Mayor's orders," Viscen, the chief guard, said. "The only ones left are public servants, committee members, and that weird green guy. Please order those that remain to evacuate!"

"I-"

The mayor was interrupted by the head carpenter, Mutoh. "You cowards! Do you actually believe the moon will fall?" Link looked out of the window to see the moon staring directly at him. "The confused townsfolk simply caused a panic by believing this ridiculous, groundless theory!"

"It is getting closer and looking right at us!" Viscen interrupted. "I'm pretty sure that we have a basis for this 'theory'!"

"It is more dangerous outside of the walls than it is in here. The carnival should not be cancelled, right?"

"If you ask me-"

Viscen interrupted the mayor as well. "Allow me to tell you this one piece at a time. In town: hit by moon! Out of town: bumped by Chuchus! This isn't that complicated!"

"Okay, I don't really care about this," Link said. "Has anyone seen a stray fairy flaying around town?"

"It's in the laundry pool," Mutoh told him. "If the soldiers want to run, then run Viscen!"

Link decided to just leave at this point. Unfortunately, the laundry pool was in South Clock Town where the dog was. And to get to South Clock Town he had to walk passed a now cheery Gorman and the destroyed bodies of the two jugglers. It was disturbing to see all those balls wasted.

-Noon of the first day, laundry pool-

The stray fairy was lazily floating over the water. "You need to jump and grab it," Tatl explained.

Link looked down at his short legs. "You're not funny."

"A Deku can hop across water if you jump just as you touch it, you're that light," she told him. "Just time your jumps so that you can get it." Link took a running start and hopped across the water, grabbing the stray fairy by the leg and landing on the other side. "Now let's bring it back so the Great Fairy can become herself again!"

"Can I please blind myself first?"

"No!"

Link sighed and began to walk north, watching cautiously for the dog. Luckily for him it was busy chasing a squirrel. He noticed a large yellow Deku Flower that he hadn't noticed before and went to inspect it.

"WAIT! WAIT! HANG ON!" A Business Scrub flew over and landed in the flower. "This is my private property, don't try to use it when I'm not around!"

"Can I use it when you are around?"

"No."

"When can I use it?"

"Never. Though if you were to give me a gift for my wife I'd give it to you. I've heard of a stone called the Moon's Tear that is really shiny, and-"

"Sorry, if I find anything shiny I'm keeping it. Nothing personal, I just love shiny things."

-Slightly after noon of the first day, the Fairy's Fountain-

The last fairy joined the others and in a flash of light another Great Fairy was forever scarred in Link's mind. "Tatl, and young one of the altered shape..."

"Link."

"Yes, yes, of course. I knew that as I know all! Thank you for returning me to my true form, I knew you would. I am the Great Fairy of Magic. I thought that masked child was helping me and I grew careless, not expecting him to blow me to pieces."

"What was he helping you with?" Link asked.

"Mostly housework, cleaning and the like. This fountain doesn't keep itself clean. I knew something was up with him but I did not react fast enough. All I can offer you now is magic power as a sign of my gratitude."

"Actually, we came to know where-" A light engulfed Link and he was now able to shoot bubbles. "So do you know where Skull Kid is?"

"I know that the man in the observatory can tell you where he is."

"But do you know?" Tatl asked her.

"Yes. But I cannot tell you, it is something the man in the observatory must tell you."

"But Great Fairy, why can't you tell us now?"

"I have reasons. If you ever return to your former shape, Lock, come see me for more help." She disappeared into the fountain.

Tatl sighed. "Yeah, she doesn't know anything."

Outside of the fountain Link noticed a balloon that had Skull Kid's mask drawn on it in horrible crayon. He decided to test his new bubble making ability by shooting it! The bubble hit the balloon and popped, not even making it shake. "These bubbles suck." He threw his sword at it, popping the balloon. The kid beside it with a red hat turned to Link.

"Not bad for a Deku Scrub."

"Thank you."

Tatl flew to his ear. "Link, he pretty much just said that Deku Scrubs suck."

"So? I'm only one for a bit, why would I care what he says about them?"

"We Bombers have a hideout that leads to the observatory outside town," the boy, Jim, said.

"Why did you just tell me that?"

"You need a code to get in, maybe I'll tell you what it is. But don't think you're getting it that easily, I can't just tell you. You have to pass my test first!"

"Do you have nothing better to do than this?" Tatl asked him.

Jim whistled and four others wearing blue hats lined up on his sides. "If you can find all five of us by tomorrow morning I'll teach you the code!" They all ran in separate directions.

Tatl spun around slowly, looking over North Clock Town. "This should be easy," she analyzed.

"Why?"

"I can see two of them. One's right behind you."

"No I'm not!"

_The postman is already one of my favourite characters to write._


	3. Killing Time?

_Published January 5, 2010_

**Killing Time...?**

"Why do we have to play these stupid brats' games? It's boring, easy, and completely pointless! I mean, seriously, two were within spitting distance of the starting point! They're standing in the open, walking around casually. And what was up with the guy hanging onto the Cucco? Isn't that animal cruelty or at least against some laws? Everyone knows that Cuccos are all about upper body strength and that their lower bodies are like twigs. If he had been on its back his probably could have carried him to the Great Bay and back, but no, he was just grabbing onto the legs!" Tatl had been going on and on about the Bombers for well over ten minutes.

"You seem to really hate these guys," Link said as he spun into a surprisingly fast Bomber, leaving a deep gash in his back.

"No, really?"

"Yes really."

"Really? Wow," Tatl sarcastically continued. "I never knew that! It's a good thing that you figured it out."

"I'm glad to be helpful."

Tatl watched as Link ran through East Clock Town. "I'm going to have a lot of fun these next few days."

Link spun passed the dog and went into West Clock Town. He spotted the Bomb Shop. "Oh! Um, perhaps he went into the Bomb Shop! I should go check in there. Now where'd I put those rupees..."

"RUPEES? I LOOOOOOVE RUPEES!"

Tatl groaned, pressing her face into her hands. "Oh boy, you set him off."

"Come here little Deku boy!" Link hobbled over to the banker, a man with very long hair. "Mmmm, I can smell them! Those tantalizing, superlative rupees! Please little Deku boy, let me see them!" He reached into his pocket and took out a blue rupee. The banker instantly grabbed it, holding it up to his nose. "Oh my, it has such history behind it! Oh my..." He rubbed the rupee against his cheek. "Splendid! Absolutely splendid! Do you have any more rupees little Deku boy?"

"Yup, at least twenty," Link replied before Tatl could stop him. The banker almost dropped the rupee in his hand, his mouth dropping open.

"T-TWENTY! Please little Deku boy, please let me start up a savings account here at my rupee bank! I will hold as many rupees as you can give me, and you can retrieve them any time."

"That sounds great!"

"Wonderful! Completely wonderful! Now what is your name little Deku boy?"

"I am the hero Link," Link exclaimed, striking a pose.

"That was embarrassing," Tatl laughed. "If you ever do that again I'm taking a picture."

"Link? Oh my, you must be the Link that my dear friend Kaepora Gaebora mentioned!" the banker said, reminiscing. "Yes, he brought you up once and from what I can tell thinks quite highly of you."

Link froze. Flooding through his body was a fear that he had not felt in two years. It was a primal terror, one that your soul memorizes and reserves for the most horrifying experiences imaginable. "Kae Gae's here?"

"Why yes, he stopped by two days ago and went south I believe. Now back to the rupees. Would you please sign here and hand me all of them?"

After discovering that Link couldn't hold a pen anymore the banker put some invisible ink on his head to mark him, letting him know who Link was when he saw him. "What a nice guy," Link commented as they left the banking area.

"I- There's the last Bomber! Cut his head off!" The Bomber apparently heard this and ran, going straight into the postman.

"Do not disrupt my schedule!" He roundhouse kicked the Bomber through the door of the Bomb Shop and into powerful explosives, the resulting explosion destroying a large part of West Clock Town. The postman paid no attention to this, returning to his route.

-North Clock Town-

"With Richard dead, you've technically caught all of us," Jim told Link. "If you were human we'd let you in the Bombers and give you a notebook. But we can't, right guys?"

"I miss Richard."

"He was nice."

"Happy birthday to me..."

"The Bombers have spoken. We let someone not human join once and we really regretted it."

"What did he do?" Link asked Jim.

"He kidnapped us in our sleep and left everyone in the northern part of Termina Field. Doug was eaten by a Dodongo."

"Being a Bomber sounds really dangerous, you guys die a lot."

Jim nodded. "Yeah. I'll teach you the code like I promised. Everyone turn!" The Bombers all turned around to show Link the numbers on their backs. The line made 4-1-3-gap-2. "Where's Ri- oh right. It's 4-1-3-5-2. Remember that, I'm not telling you again."

"I will," 3 said. Jim punched him.

-Evening of the first day, East Clock Town-

"This is their secret area?" Tatl and Link looked at the small passage guarded by another Bomber.

"Yup," the Bomber said. "This is our secret passage that leads to the observatory!"

Tatl took a sniff of the air. "Isn't that just the sewers?"

"No! It's our secret passage!"

"I'm pretty sure that it's the sewers. All you did was draw a bunch of yellow arrows on the ground."

"What's a sewer?" Link asked.

"It's where waste goes. What did you do with stuff like feces in Hyrule?"

Link thought for a moment. "I'm not sure about anywhere else, but in the Kokiri Forest we each had a bucket..." Tatl cringed at where this was going. "...and at the end of the week everyone emptied their buckets in the Lost Woods. It smells really bad in there."

"Gee, I wonder why?"

"I think it might have to do with the dung."

Link did not enjoy his first sewer experience. It was cold, dark, and smelled like the Lost Woods. He was currently walking in ankle deep water, trying not to react when he stepped on weird things underwater. Several of the weird things bit him, with one even pulling him off of his feet and almost dragging him into a deeper pool of water. He had shot it with a bubble, scaring it off. There were a few Skulltulas but they tended to leave him alone, content with doing whatever it is Skulltulas do.

"I wonder how the astronomer knows Skull Kid," Tatl thought aloud. "He wasn't the most social person, and didn't exactly go around making a name for himself."

"Does he even have a name?"

"How would I know?"

The arrows ended at a ladder, and after climbing it Link found himself in an abstractly coloured building with a very colourful staircase. "It's shiny!" Link ascended the stairs and saw an old man looking into the lens of a huge telescope. He apparently heard Link's waddling and turned to face him.

"Well, well, a strange looking child has joined me today," he said.

"I'm technically a Deku Scrub."

"Oh. Are you a new friend of the Bombers gang?"

"I think so, but I did accidentally get one of their members killed," Link admitted. "But from what I can tell that isn't a new thing so it's all good."

"Oh well, as long as Richard is okay it's alright. He is an incredible child, born to do great things when he grows up. I wouldn't be surprised if he created world peace. But that's enough of Richard's greatness. Did you see the huge explosion a few hours ago? It must have killed someone!"

"Yup," Tatl said merrily. "That's what killed... Ted."

"My grandson Ted? It doesn't matter, I never really liked him. I must say, your manners are much better than that mischievous Skull Kid Bomber the other day. That horrible troublemaker said he'd break my instruments, even threatened to steal my Moon's Tear! He ranted on and on for over an hour, and his fairies were no better. One kept hitting me." Tatl tried to look as innocent as possible. "I bet that if you looked through the telescope right now you'd see him causing trouble around the Clock Tower."

"Can we look?" Tatl asked.

"Of course." He moved out of the way, letting Link and Tatl move up to it, both looking into the lens.

"Is that Skull Kid on top of the Clock Tower?" Link asked, zooming in.

"On top of the Clock Tower... Of course, no wonder we can never find him! That cheating jerk, we agreed to stay at sea level!" Tatl yelled, punching Link in the head out of stress.

Skull Kid appeared to notice the large telescope now pointing at him. He gave a little wave and then looked up at the even closer moon. Link decided to look at the moon, unfortunately zooming in enough to nearly give him a heart attack. "Something just fell out of the eye!" Link exclaimed, watching the Moon's Tear getting closer and closer and closer and closer and-

It smashed through the roof, crashing into Link's head.

"It's another Moon's Tear!" the astronomer exclaimed, analyzing the stone that was partially imbedded in Link's head. "It isn't as shiny as mine, so you can have it."

Tatl grabbed the Moon's Tear and pulled, taking it off of Link. He ignored his near fatal injury in favour of looking at the stone, being absorbed by the shininess. "If we give this to that Business Scrub, we can use his flower!" Tatl said.

"Why do we need his flower?" Link asked as he held the Moon's Tear possessively, cradling it against him.

"It can help us fly to the door to the tower of the Clock Tower, the one that only opens on the eve of the carnival," Tatl told him. "It may mean giving up your Moon's Tear-"

"No! It's worth so much more than a flower. I want at least three flowers. And they have to be made of 28 karat gold!"

"Okay. Let's go to the Scrub and you can haggle that out of him."

"We're trying to be civilized here, let's not use violent things like 'haggle'." Tatl punched him.

-Night of the First Day, East Clock Town-

"I'm tired," Link said as he exited the sewers. "Let's go find somewhere to sleep. Any good places here?"

"There's the Stock Pot Inn," Tatl said. "It closes at eight thirty though. What time is it now?"

The Clock Tower ran out ten times.

"Think we can break in and sit on a bed?" Link asked.

"That's kind of illegal here."

"It's illegal in Hyrule too, but why should these silly laws stop you from doing what's right? I _need_ to sleep! I've earned it with all the hard work I've done today! All that time spent unconscious and wounded really tired me out."

Tatl eventually threatened Link into giving the Moon's Tear to the Business Scrub _now_. He hesitantly waddled into South Clock Town, watching out for the dog. It was sitting right beside the flower, staring forwards, waiting for him. Link glanced at Tatl and then the dog, a plan forming in his mind. The plan continued to form for almost half an hour before he suddenly grabbed Tatl out of the air, ran out, and threw her hard enough to knock the dog into the pool of water beside it. "Now do you see why I'm such a great hero?" Link asked her with pride in his voice. "There were many situations that I had to use my think to get out of, and this was nothing compared to them!"

The Business Scrub poked its head up from the yellow flower. "It's gone? Thank you young one! But you still don't get the flower without a Moon's Tear." Link pulled out the stone. "That's a Moon's Tear! Well, I suppose I-"

"Hold it!" Link pulled the Moon's Tear back, shielding it with his own body. "I want three flowers made of diamond and an umbrella. It needs to be red and shoot all water that touches it back to where it came from. And I want it now!"

"Okay, I'll go get those now. Just give me the Tear and wait by this flower. I'll be back tomorrow evening with your flowers and umbrella."

"Deal!" Link gave him the Moon's Tear and watched as the Business Scrub hastily flew off, pulling all of his stuff with him. "And I'll be _right here!_"

Tatl was trying to deny that this had just happened.

-2 hours later-

"We aren't going to stand here all night."

"But the view is nice," Link protested, looking up at the looming moon's barred jaw and piercing eyes.

"We're standing right beside the drowned dog. I don't think we should be here in the morning."

"I was wondering where that dog went. Well let's go talk to the banker! I was going to ask-"

"I'm thirsty. Let's go to buy me a drink."

Tatl led Link into West Clock Town and passed the sleeping banker, into the Trading Post on the side. "Duuuuuuude! Welcome to that shop place thing!" the teenage shopkeeper greeted. "I'm holding the place for the owner who took his snooze shift. So, whatcha need?"

"Red potion, I'm thirsty," Tatl said.

"Oh shit, those were for the customers?"

As Tatl argued with the obviously stupid man Link walked over to a scarecrow that was in the corner. "How much for the scarecrow?"

"I am not for sale!" it screeched.

Link screamed and ran away from the talking scarecrow. "Come on now kid, don't be scared! If you'd like we can dance, dance, dance, and more dance until morning! What do you say?" It began to bounce around, flailing around in motions that were somewhat like dancing.

"Are you going to dance no matter what I say?"

"Of course!" The scarecrow started bouncing all over the place, spinning and shaking its arms. Link just stared. After Tatl had beaten the replacement shopkeeper within an inch of his life she floated over to Link.

"What are you doing?"

Link just gazed at the scarecrow with a blank look on his face.

"Link!"

He didn't react until she punched him. "It… It's mesmerizing…"

Tatle sighed. "Link, he's just waving his arms, bouncing a lot… spinning… spinning… spinning…" They both stared at the scarecrow.

-Dawn of the second day, West Clock Town shop-

"Whew, that tired me out!" the scarecrow exclaimed, wiping imaginary sweat off of its forehead. "Intense dancing, eh?"

Link and Tatl snapped out of their trance. "Eh? What happened?" Tatl asked, looking around and seeing sunlight flowing through the window.

"You were standing there for eight hours!" the balding shopkeeper snapped. "Nothing got your attention! I even beat the kid over the head with a pipe for twenty minutes! It was very fun. Now buy something or leave!"

"Can you dance until night time tomorrow?" Tatl asked the scarecrow.

"I accept your challenge! Thirty six hours of dancing will soon be my new record, I declare it!"

-Night of the final day, West Clock Town shop-

"No more staring at scarecrow! Leave now!" The shopkeeper chased them out while waving a pipe around.

"We can get to the top of the clock tower in six hours," Tatl said to Link. "Let's get up to the door and wait for a bit."

"Moon," Link whimpered as he looked straight up. Tatl followed his gaze and jumped in fright. That was understandable, it was massive at this point.

"What the hell is Skull Kid doing?"

"Trying to crush us all."

"I noticed that, I meant _why_."

"Then why didn't you ask 'why is Skull Kid trying to crush us with the moon'?"

Tatl punched him on his pipe bruise.

Link sat in front of the door as time passed. Every so often the ground shook and once it was 11:50 Tatl spoke. "So what's the plan, Link?"

"I'm thinking of beating him up, taking my ocarina back and getting the Mask Salesman to change me back."

"Thank you for summing up the general outline. So how do you plan to beat up Skull Kid? He has superpowers right now, and you're a Deku Scrub."

"Well I've never really planned an attack before, I usually just run in and let what happens happen. Gohma's helpful. Let's call Gohma!" Tatl smacked him.

"We have TEN MINUTES and you have no plan? Make a plan! Do it now!"

_That's it for the super quick updates for a bit. These three chapters were done in December and were posted two days after each other so that I could stall while I did a whole bunch of other stuff. I'm expecting this story to be _much_ longer than Ocarina of Time if my ability to make 9000 words before the Clock Tower has shown anything._

_And is the chapter title about 'killing time', or 'time to kill'? You get to decide..._

_Because I really don't know._


	4. The Clock Tower

_Published January 9, 2010_

**The Clock Tower**

"Bah, do you all really think that the moon will fall?!" Mutoh screamed from the south gate.

"Yes, it's about to!" a builder yelled as he ran out of the city. "I'm going to get drunk for the last few hours of my life!"

"Cowards! All of you are cowards!"

"I'm still here, sir."

"Shut up Donald. No one likes you."

The Clock Tower struck midnight as fireworks shot into the air. The ball shaped top of the tower was pushed into the air before falling to the side, pulling the flat disk that made the clock onto the top. "The door's open, hurry inside!" Tatl began to punch at him, herding Link up the stairs and into the tower. Link quickly ran up the steps, trying to stay ahead of the fairy.

The platform on top of the Clock Tower was very roomy. Link looked up at the floating Skull Kid, seeing that he had his back turned to Link and was simply staring up at the moon. "You!"

Skull Kid looked over his shoulder before turning to face Link, tossing the ocarina in his hand mockingly. He was silent.

"Sis!" Tael flew out of nowhere.

"Tael, Skull Kid, we've been looking for you! So what if you gave back that mask you're wearing? It's a lot more trouble than it's worth." Skull Kid was silent. "Are you even paying attention?"

"Swamp, mountain, ocean, canyon," Tael said. "Hurry, the four who are there... Bring them here."

Tatl looked up at the moon. "I think you should have told us whatever you're talking about three days ago."

Skull Kid suddenly swung his fist, knocking Tael to the side. "Don't speak out of line! Stupid fairy!"

This pissed off Tatl. "What the hell Skull Kid?! First you cheat at Hide and Seek, and now this?! Do you honestly think you're still our friend after this?!"

"My Hide and Seek tactics are completely legit," Skull Kid monotonously told her. "Even if they were to come now, they wouldn't be able to handle me, he he."

"Even if who were to come now? I'm so lost," Link cried. "What is everyone talking about? Who's Tael? Why am I here?"

Tatl punched him. "Stop having a nervous breakdown and help me get your thing back. So Skull Kid, what would it take to make you give the stuff back? And before you say anything, you should feel glad that I'm not shoving that blue thing up your ass from how you're acting right now!"

"Not helping the bargaining," Link whispered.

"Why would I give anything back?" Skull Kid asked her. "This mask is so great, look at all the amazing things I can do. And this ocarina... it's blue."

"Then we'll just have to go get the four in the swamp, mountain, bay, and canyon to make you stop all of this!"

"Ocean."

"Shut up, Tael."

"Oh really? Just look above you. If it's something that can be stopped, just try to stop it!"

"I will!" Link proclaimed. "How long do I have?"

"You have... FIVE AND A HALF HOURS!" Skull Kid broke into maniacal laughter.

"Really?" Tael questioned. "That gives a lot of time to do something."

Skull Kid hit him again. "Fine, then how's THIS?!" He threw out his arms and began to scream into the air, waves dark energy flowing from the mask. The other three shielded their ear from the high pitch noise. It was Tatl who first noticed that the moon was starting to drop like a rock. "How's five and a half MINUTES?"

"Do something Link, you have the combat moves!" Tatl told him as she punched him in the head.

"Stop that!" Link took out a Deku Nut and threw it at the floor, effectively blinding himself. "AH! Sheik made that look so cool but it HURTS!"

Tatl took the remaining Deku Nuts away. "Do something else! You claim to be this great hero so you must have something else!"

"I left all my equipment in Hyrule," Link said. "Except..." He threw his sword, missing Skull Kid and sending it off of the tower. The sound of impaling flesh echoed up to them. Link took out his shield and hefted it over his head, his arms shaking in an attempt to hold it up. They gave out and it came down on his head, stunning Link before clattering to the ground.

"You're a horrible hero!"

"Okay, okay, time to do what Deku do best," Link said, ignoring Tatl. He charged up a bubble and shot it at Skull Kid. It flew through the air and exploded on the imp's face, covering him in goo. Skull Kid flailed his arms, trying to peel it off of himself. Link saw him drop the ocarina in his struggle and hobbled over to it as fast as he could, grabbing it and quickly running back to Tatl. "It got it!"

"Good, good, now deal with the FALLING MOON!"

"I think I'm having a flashback."

"Don't you dare-"

-Back when Link was leaving Hyrule-

Zelda stood before Link and Epona, giving him a strange look. "So after claiming fame and being one of the most beloved people in the country, you want to leave said country to find a fairy that went to get pizza two years ago and never came back?"

"I think she's lost," Link said. "So I'll find her and bring her back to the group that she loved so much."

Barinade, formerly a parasite living in the Zora's god-fish Jabu Jabu, dropped from the ceiling. "I, BARINADE, think that this is a splendid idea!"

"How long have you been on my ceiling?!"

"Several days. By the way, one of your servants was stealing socks. I, the incredible three legged BARINADE, killed him for you. You can reward me later. But I should talk about the current topic. I approve of Link's journey, Navi's... _joy_ when she was in our group was so funny to watch."

"You should come with me," Link offered to the tentacle anemone. "Everyone else is gone by now, won't it be lonely here?"

"Nah, King Dodongo and Bongo Bongo are still here."

"And Morpha."

"Actually, Morpha is going with you! I already took the initiative of lashing him to your horse."

"Free me at once!" Morpha yelled from Epona's ass. "I have strength beyond comprehension! I order you to release me or I will destroy you!"

Link began to scratch Morpha. "It looks like you'll be keeping me company on my trip! Who's a good water warping ball thing? You're a good water warping ball thing!" Morpha felt very degraded.

Zelda blew into the Ocarina of Time loud enough to get all of their attentions. "I'm trying to say goodbye to Link, could I get at least two minutes without being interrupted?"

Barinade nodded. "Of course. I shall dispense the most harsh, painful, excruciating torture to all who find themselves stupid enough to interrupt you from this moment despite my current claims and your own will to not be interrupted. Leave it-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JAPANESE TENTACLE FANTASY OR I AM GOING TO POUR BARBEQUE SAUCE UP YOUR PALE BLUE ASSHOLE AND SHOVE TEN THOUSAND STARVED DEKU BABA UP WITH IT TO CAUSE UNIMAGINABLE SUFFERING THAT WILL LEAVE YOU A MENTALLY SCARRED, PATHETIC LITTLE BITCH THAT NO AMOUNTS OF SCREAMING YOUR NAME WILL FIX!" Barinade went quiet. "Link, over the two years that I've known you you've been nice, sharing, kind, and any other synonyms of those."

"Thank you Z-"

"You are also one of the stupidest, slowest, most annoying green skirt wearing boys I've ever met. Were it not for the amusement I've gained from seeing your antics I would wish you death."

"Oh... I'm glad I'm amusing!"

"You should be. I can honestly say that I enjoyed these years and hope that when you come back-"

"With pizza!"

"Of course. I hope that when you come back you'll still be an idiot so that I don't feel intellectually challenged by you."

"I, BARINADE, see that your ego is just as huge as ever."

Zelda glared at him. "Now Link, I know why you came here and I'll save you the trouble of asking. You can take the Ocarina of Time with you." Link instantly began cheering.

Saria was suddenly behind him. "Why do you want a different ocarina, Link?" she asked in an incredibly creepy tone.

"I- Um- I- I- I- I- I want two ocarinas... so... that I... can play... two at the same time?"

"Link, if anything horrible happens just remember this song." Zelda played the Song of Time. "You might want to do so now before Saria kills you."

"Yes I know that song." He quickly got on Epona. "Anything else before I go?"

"Yes actually. A few months back Ganondorf escaped his prison cell and wrote a note swearing revenge on all involved in his capture using the guard's blood. I _just _remembered to tell you right now. Have fun on your travels!"

-Present time atop the Clock Tower-

"I'm going to be killed eventually," Link said to himself.

"I'm glad you're back, we have thirty seconds!" Tatl screamed, pointing at the moon which was now moments from impact. "We're out of time!"

"Time... I know a Song of Time, think it may help?"

"We have twenty seconds, I don't exactly care anymore." Link pulled out his Deku Pipes, the ocarina having turned into an instrument to fit his form. "When did you get that?"

Link played the Song of Time and suddenly everything went white for him and Tatl. They felt like they were falling through an abyss full of warped clocks, eventually finding themselves standing in front of the door that they had entered Clock Town from three days ago.

-Dawn of the first day, South Clock Town-

"What the hell?" Tatl looked around, noticing that things were back to how they used to be. She looked at the moon, seeing it as far as it had been days ago. "Everything started over... How did you do that?"

"I played the Song of Time on my instrument and this happened," Link explained proudly. "I have no idea how, but I'm not dead so I'm happy."

"Let's go see the Mask Salesman, he said that he'd return you to normal now!"

-Inside the Clock Tower-

"Were you able to recover your precious item?" the Mask Salesman asked Link, smiling the whole time.

"Sorry, I don't know where Morpha went. But I got the Ocarina of Time back!"

"Oh! You got it!" He began to shake Link by the shoulders. "You got it! You got it! Great job!" He pulled away from the disgruntled Link and sat down at a piano that was larger than Link's house.

"Where did that come from?"

"Please play the song I am about to perform, and remember it well. After all, you are not the only one that it is capable of helping..." He played the Song of Healing.

Link took out his pipes and then looked at the piano. "How do I covert that to this?"

"Believe in yourself and you can..." Link played the wrong tune. "Believe harder." The next tune was even worse. The Mask Salesman put on a Mario mask. "Does this help?"

"Surprisingly it does!" Link played the Song of Healing perfectly. He began to convulse, foaming at the mouth and falling over, his body wildly seizing. Tatl cringed when he smashed his face off of a gear. With a flash of light Link was standing up and back to his Hylian form, a Deku Mask clanging to the ground in front of him. "That healing song really hurt! Wait, I'm me!"

"Yes you are. This song heals evil magic and trouble spirits, turning them into masks. I call it the Song of Healing. I am sure it will help in the future." He picked up the Deku Mask. "I give you this mask as a memento. The magic has been sealed. You can put it on to return to your previous form and then take it off to become normal once more."

"Yay, you can hobble around and get tackled by dogs!" Tatl sarcastically cheered. The Mask Salesman smiled at her again.

"Now, I have fulfilled my promise to you..." He held out his hand. "So please give me what you promised me."

Link opened his mouth but closed it immediately. "Say that we weren't able to get it... What would you do?"

His lip twitched. "Don't tell me... My mask... You _did_ get it, right...?" His face contorted into a raging snarl as he picked Link up by his shoulders, shaking him wildly. "What have you done?! It can't be left in that imp's hands, I MUST get it back!" He dropped Link on his ass, suddenly going into panic-mode. "If it is left out there, terrible things will happen!"

Tatl slapped him across the face. "Get a hold of yourself!" The Mask Salesman took a deep breath, calming himself. "You aren't telling us everything we need to know about this mask, are you? From what Skull Kid was doing up there it isn't normal."

"The mask that was stolen from me... that is Majora's Mask. It is an accursed item from legend that was used by an ancient tribe for its hexing rituals. It is said that an evil and wicked power is bestowed upon the one who wears that mask. According to legend... the troubles caused by Majora's Mask were so great that the ancient ones, fearing a catastrophe, sealed the mask away to avoid its misuse. But now that tribe from legend has vanished, so no one knows the mask's true power. I went to great lengths to get that legendary mask. When I finally had it... I could sense the doom of a dark omen brewing. It was that unwelcoming feeling that makes your hairs stand on end. And now that imp has it..."

Link and Tatl stared with their mouths hanging open, horrified. Tatl spoke first. "Why would you want something like that?"

"Please get the mask back! I am begging you! The repercussions of leaving it out will be horrible! You must do it!"

"That sounds really dangerous," Link hesitantly answered. "I'm a hero and all that, but I don't have any of my gear."

The Mask Salesman put the Mario mask on. "Please!"

"I can't say no to that face..."

He took the mask off. "So you'll do it? I was certain you would tell me that. You'll do fine," he added when he saw Link's hesitant face. "Believe in your strengths."


	5. Masks

_Published January 16, 2010_

**Masks**

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"So that mask was why Skull Kid had that strange power," Tatl said to herself as they walked out of the tower. Behind her Link was doing everything he couldn't as a Deku Scrub, greatly enjoying himself. "We have to do something about it, no matter what it takes."

"Yup," Link agreed. "We'll be crushed if we don't. You know, the moon and all that we saw earlier... um, later... should we talk about the things that happened... will happen in future or past tense?"

"Past, we already did it."

"But it's the future..."

"Unless we change it. Now Tael said something about the swamp, mountain, ocean, and canyon. He must have been referring to the four areas in the cardinal directions that are exactly like those." She saw Link's blank look. "The four main compass directions. But 'the four who are there'... He always skips the important stuff."

"I have an idea!" Link exclaimed. "Let's wait to get on the tower again and ask him! To the scarecrow!"

-Midnight of the Final Day, the Clock Tower-

"Tael, get away from Skull Kid! He's going to hit you!" Tatl yelled at her brother.

"Sis! Swamp, mountain, ocean-"

"Yeah yeah we know that, what are the four who are there anyway?"

Skull Kid knocked Tael unconscious with a blast of dark energy. "Don't speak out of line! Stupid fairy! Where'd the instrument I had go? And why are you human again?"

"Well this failed horribly," Tatl said to Link as Skull Kid began to pull the moon down again. "Take three..."

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"The Great Fairy said to go back to her when you were back to normal," Tatl said. "So go grab that stray fairy and get your ass to North Clock Town!"

Link did so, bringing the fairy to the fountain and watching it horrifically turn into the Great Fairy of Magic. "Thank you Tatl and young one-"

"Link."

"Yes, yes, of course. I knew that as I know all! Thank you for returning me to my true form, I knew you would. I am the Great Fairy of Magic. For now this is mask all that I can give you. Please accept it and wear it with pride!" She took out the Great Fairy's Mask, one that looked just like her face and even had the hair. It floated down to Link.

"How great, now I can see your face at any time..."

"Yes, it is a very good gift. Scattered throughout the land are four temples with more stray fairies in them. If you find them and return them to their respective fountains they will surely add to your strength. The mask can attract them, and when the hair glows they are near."

"Are you sure they won't run away when they see the mask?" She gave him a look. "You know, feeling threatened by the power that the one it looks like has." She continued to give him a disapproving look. He quickly ran out of the fountain with his new mask.

"I wonder if this is a transformation mask too," Tatl said as Link stopped running, leaning on a fence while catching his breath.

"If it is we're burning it."

"She's not _that _ugly. A bit creepy but not blindingly hideous like you've said before."

"Your eyes are tiny, your opinion doesn't matter." She punched him again. "I wonder if we can save those jugglers from Gorman this time around. I have a soft spot for jugglers." Link walked into East Clock Town and just caught the enraged Gorman exiting the mayor's office. "Hey, Gorman! If you're-"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Gorman took a flail out and chased Link around, nearly taking the boy's head off a few times.

"4-1-3-5-2!" Link screamed, running passed the Bombers sewer guard. Ingo gave up when he wasn't allowed inside, his anger forgotten as he went to go drink some milk. Tatl followed him in with a big grin on her face.

"Now that was funny."

"Quiet." Link walked out of the sewers only for Jim to run up to him.

"Hey, you haven't passed my test! How do you know the code?" Jim demanded.

"I took your test and then went back in time."

"You're pretty good, managing to figure out a code that only we know!" Jim excitedly exclaimed, not paying attention to Link's honest confession. "What's your name?"

"I am Link," Link proclaimed, "the Hero of Time and Hero of Hyrule!"

Tatl nudged him. "Using hero twice doesn't work," she whispered quietly. It was a rather silent whisper. "Find something else."

"'Link, the Hero of Time and Hero of Hyrule', huh? I'm gonna call you Link. Since Skull Kid broke our rules, he's out and you're in the Bombers! Here's the notebook, it contains our rules and lets you put schedules in it." He gave Link an extremely large notebook. "Find troubled people and add their names and pictures. Only twenty will fit. Then promise to help them. Break a promise and we tell the postman that you're disrupted the schedule. That's about it. Tatl, tell the Skull Kid he's outta here!"

"Sure, that'll be the first thing I say once I see him," Tatl half-heartedly told Jim.

After a few minutes of thinking, Tatl decided that Link should spend a bit of time going around to look for any more masks that might be in the town. "They'll be helpful," she had said.

"Yes, I love shooting bubbles and attracting fairies," Link replied.

"Oh, did I hear a word about fairies?" Tingle suddenly said, announcing his arrival as he spun over to Link. "Why, might you be a fairy boy from the woods?" he anxiously asked, looking at Link with awe in his eyes.

"Well I'm from a forest that does have wooden trees. I am a boy who has a fairy as well. Hey, I am a fairy boy!"

"Good for you to get that out in the open!" a random passerby encouraged.

-4 pm of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"And that accomplished nothing," Link announced as he sat down on a bench. "I'm beat, let's go buy some food. What are the good shops?"

"There's the Milk Bar, Sandy Sandwiches, The Can-"

"Dirtfoot's Haggis! I've never heard of that before, let's eat some!"

-Night of the First Day, Laundry Pool-

"I told you that your stomach wouldn't be able to handle haggis," Tatl chided as Link puked into the clean water. She grinned. "Oh wait, no I didn't. I thought it would be funny. It was."

"La la la la la la la!" Guru Guru walked into the area and sat on the bench, playing his instrument. "That's a gross mess over there," he said.

"Who are you?" Tatl asked the man.

"Straight to the names I see. I am Guru Guru! They said I was too loud when I practiced in my room. They got mad. Now I'm sad. I'll just think about my past to keep my mind off the bad."

Link burst into laughter. "Get it Tatl? They rhymed!"

"Yes, yes, I get it."

"Did you know that I was once in an animal troupe? There were dogs, donkeys, cuccos, eagles, sharks, and giant orange pelicans to name a few."

Tatl thought about this for a moment. "So you were in a band."

"Yes."

"With animals."

"Yes."

"Playing music."

"Yes."

"What did the shark play?" Link croaked from the pond.

"The tambourines of course!"

"Back to my questions," Tatl said hastily. "Why were you in a band with animals?"

"A man's an animal too!" Guru Guru jovially exclaimed.

"That isn't what I meant. Why would you join a band with donkeys and eagles instead of a normal band? Didn't the concept seem kind of ridiculous?"

"The orange pelican and I were childhood friends, and when he joined I saw the opportunity and quickly followed! We had great times, everyone was great. But there was one thing about it I didn't like..."

"How none of them spoke English?"

Guru Guru's face twisted with rage and he began to spin the handle at an insane pace. "Why was the...? Why was the...? Why was the _dog_ the leader?! Was there something wrong with _me_?! Something wrong with the only human? I tell you... I tell you... I tell you that they all had something against me!"

Tatl floated away from him. "No, no, nothing wrong!" she quickly replied.

"Was there... Was there... Was there something wrong with the guy who killed his father, framed it on the dog, married his mother only to tie her to the roof and steal everything of value, moving to Termina?" Tatl stared in shock as his face went back to his normal smile.

Link decided that he was done throwing up and slowly moved toward the exit. "That's a horrible thing to do!"

"Don't worry, the dog got off with minimal charges. The whole thing was the pelican's idea in the first place, so I can't be blamed for anything."

Tatl floated around Link's head at a leisurely pace. "Let's get out of here," she whispered.

"That dog was a fine leader," Guru Guru continued. "No matter what animals he had in his troupe, he could make them all do amazing things. That's why I... That's why I... That's why I stole it. The dog's mask. It was the mask of a leader, and I wanted it. But I don't need it. The mask I stole from the donkey was much better. You can have it, thanks for listening!" He took out a mask with a beak and feathers and threw it to Link.

"Didn't you say that this was a dog's mask?" Link asked as he examined the Bremen's Mask.

"Yes."

"And this has feathers," Tatl continued.

"Yes."

"Well, time to go!"

"Wait! If you'd like, I'll share more stories with you!" Guru Guru said, motioning for Link to come back. The Hylian remorsefully returned to Guru Guru's side. "During my time with the troupe, we once went to a far off land known as Hyrule. Now this was one of the most laughable places I've ever seen, so bad. They didn't even... They didn't even... They didn't even have clocks yet! In fact, I heard about a civilization made entirely of children living in the forest there. Kids in the forest? Oh what a hilarious concept, those kids must all be little idiots without anyone to teach them things. And don't even get me started on..."

-Inside the Clock Tower-

"Oh, hello there sir. Are you from the same land as Link was from?" the Mask Salesman asked the newcomer.

"You could say that. So Link passed through here, did he?"

"Oh yes, he just retrieved his ocarina from a mischievous imp too," the Mask Salesman explained, nodding to himself. "It was quite a remarkable feat. If my guess is correct he's still in Clock Town too."

"Really..."

-Several hours later-

"Oh, look at the time!" Tatl interrupted, ending Guru Guru's explanation on how to teach Chuchus to deliver mail. "Link, you need to go. Right now."

"Well it appears that our time is up for tonight," Guru Guru said, patting Link on the shoulder. "Come back tomorrow night so I can tell you the rest of the story."

"Okay, see you then!" Tatl happily agreed before flying out of there as fast as possible. "We need some kind of survey to see if someone's insane before we talk to them."

Link ended up getting lost and wandered around. He eventually found himself in North Clock Town just as a prancing bald man decided to mug an old lady, taking a huge bag from her hands and making a run for the north gate. "Stop! THIEF!" the old lady yelled. Deciding to do something heroic, Link pulled out his sword and threw it. The sword flew passed the thief and impaled the gate guard that had been moments from stopping him. The thief happily pranced out of the gate and into Termina Field.

"Follow him!" Tatl ordered, punching Link. He ran to the north gate, pulling his sword from the downed guard and taking his first trip into the Termina wild... It was big.

The part Link was in had a thin coat of snow on top of the ground and mountains acting as a wall to the north. There was an upper level and a ramp leading to a lower level, a ramp that the thief was running down at the moment. "Don't just stare, follow him!" Link ran after the thief so that Tatl couldn't hit him again. Instead of going down the ramp like the thief had, Link jumped over the edge and landed on something somewhat soft.

The Dodongo turned to see what had just fallen on it. It saw Link and decided that he was food. As Link noticed what he had landed on the Dodongo turned around and picked up Link in its teeth. "Help me!"

Tatl head butted the Dodongo's eye. It flinched and roared, swinging its head wildly which then sent Link soaring to the east. He landed on the hard ground, rolling a few metres and seeing the thief barely ahead of him. Link got up and ran at the prancing man, catching up rather easily and stabbing him through the leg. "Oh! Why did you do that?" he asked as he fell, dropping the bag. "It hurts!"

"Quit complaining," Link grunted as he snatched the sack. "I got stabbed through the face by a giant pig and didn't whine as much as you are."

As he began to trek his way back to Clock Town, Tatl zipped over to the boy in a panic. "Link, are you okay?! You must have gone at least two hundred metres!"

"I'm fine, I rolled when I landed."

"But it should have seriously hurt! How are you so fine?"

"I rolled. It takes away all of the pain."

When they got back to North Clock Town they found the old lady still on the ground. "You got my supplies back?" she asked as she saw Link with the bag.

"Yup. That guy's currently in the middle of Termina Field with a whole bunch of living Bombchus swarming him," Tatl replied. "He won't be bugging anyone for a while."

"Thank you for going through all that trouble for me." She stood up and took the bad back from Link. "Now we'll have all those bomb bags stocked by the morning. I feel like I should give you something... I know! It's a dangerous mask, but it should be good for the carnival." She pulled the Bomb Mask from somewhere and handed it to Link.

"What does this mean?" Link pointed at that skull and cross bones on the front of the mask.

"Nothing at all little girl," the old lady said. "I'm off." She left North Clock Town as Link stared.

"I think it's the skirt and pre-pubescent voice," Tatl told him, giving Link a pat on the shoulder. "Now try out that mask!"

Link put it on. "Well?" his muffled voice asked.

"You look ridiculous."

"I-" The mask violently exploded, the blast sending Link staggering backwards and onto his ass. "AAAHHHH! IT BURNS!"

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"Time to actually do something," Link said as he enjoyed his burn-free face. "Where should we start?"

"Let's go to the swamp to the south," Tatl said. "I just feel like it will be a nice place to start in."

Link walked toward the gate. "Halt!" the soldier said. "It is dangerous outside of the walls. I cannot allow a child such as yourself to proceed without some sort of protection."

"Sword and shield," Link pointed out.

"Oh, sorry sir. It was wrong of me to treat you like a child. Continue on, but know that the swamp smells like wet dog around this time of year."

Link then got his first look at Termina Field in the daytime. The southern part didn't have much grass but did have many Chuchus in it. A large hollowed out log was knocked over in the middle. "Big."

"Yup, that's Termina Field for you."

Link noticed a green Chuchu bouncing against him. "Tatl, can you get it to stop?"

"Just ignore it. Keep walking, don't make eye contact."

"It's staring at me."

"Don't make eye contact!"

"Those eyes are so beautiful."

"Stop making eye contact!" She punched him forward, entering the hollow log. "I have good memories about this place."

"It does look like a good place."

Link nodded. "I agree with the familiar but ominous voice." He paused. "Wait... Wait... That voice... Wait... I'm getting there..." A large hand grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled Link into the air, turning him to face the source of the voice. "Ganondorf! That's who I was thinking of!" He then noticed that Ganondorf was holding him in the air with an enraged look on his face. "Uh-oh."


	6. Ganondorf

_Okay, my first semester is pretty much over and our big assignments are out of the way, letting me write again. Also, I managed to tear myself away from TimeSplitters 3 and Soul Caliber 4 long enough to get this done. Go me!_

_Published January 25, 2010_

**Ganondorf**

"Uh-oh."

"You said that already," Tatl whispered as she hid from Ganondorf's gaze.

The not yet king of evil dropped Link and took out a large, black blade. "Where is the Ocarina of Time?" he growled, putting the tip at Link's throat.

"I... Um... It's useless without the Spiritual Stones," Link stuttered. "So I'll just keep it until you get those."

"I found the Kokiri Emerald under your bed." Ganondorf pulled out the green stone. "There was also a scarecrow with its head cut off. Now stop stalling and give me the ocarina!"

"Who's this?" Tatl asked, drawing Ganondorf's attention to her. "And why is he green?"

"I am Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo," Ganondorf announced.

"You smell bad."

"That's because no one wants me to wish for a new washing machine! Everyone is completely against it and I don't know why! Stop trying to sneak away kid, it doesn't work when I'm looking at you." He kicked Link over, putting a foot on his back.

"Hey Ganondorf, look at my fancy mask!"

"Why does it have a skull and cross bones on the front?" Link detonated the Bomb Mask, sending Ganondorf flying onto his back.

Link stayed on the ground, moaning about his face. Tatl punched him again. "He's getting up, run!"

Ganondorf put his foot on Link again. "Well that accomplished nothing." Link didn't respond. "Kid?" He poked Link with his foot. Link groaned, swatting it away. Ganondorf scowled and stomped on Link's chest. "Don't play games with me! I want the ocarina and if you don't give it to me I will kill you."

"It's useless without all the stones," Link groaned. "Can I please keep it?"

"No! I have one stone and I will easily get the others."

"Pretty please?"

Ganondorf sighed. "That's it, I'm killing you."

"Wait! If you kill me... No one can get passed the Master Sword!" Link quickly thought up. "So I need to be alive and willing to grab it. I will if you let me keep the ocarina!"

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Tatl finally asked.

"In Hyrule, there is an item that can grant any wish to the one that touches it," Ganondorf said. "It is the Triforce, a mythical trio of triangles left by the three goddesses when-"

"I changed my mind. I don't care."

Ganondorf decided to ignore her. "So you're saying that without you, I can't get passed the Master Sword guarding the Sacred Realm. Why should I believe you?"

"Would this face lie to you?" Link gave him the most innocent smile he could.

He glared. "Don't do that."

"Listen big green guy," Tatl irritably interrupted, flying between Ganondorf and Link. "The moon's going to fall and kill everyone in three days. So if you want to kill Link, do it _after_ we stop that or there won't be anywhere to put your washing machine."

The Gerudo King looked up to see the very close moon. "When did that get there?"

"I don't know. But I know when it'll get here, and Link needs that ocarina to stop it or else-"

Ganondorf swatted her to the side. "Yes yes, I heard. Three days, moon falls, kills everyone, I have no one to rule. Well I'll give you the three days, kid." He took a step back and sheathed his sword, watching as Link crawled to his feet. "But after that I'm cutting off your legs and bringing the ocarina back... if I'm not crushed under the moon at least."

"Do you have to cut my legs off?" Link asked as he backed away from Ganondorf.

"No. That's mostly for entertainment purposes."

Link went back to his journey from there, venturing through Termina Field and cutting down any Chuchus that blobbed in his path. It was as he got close to the path leading to the swamp that our hero noticed Ganondorf was following just a few metres behind him. "Has he always been there?" Link whispered to Tatl.

"Yes, for the whole time actually," she whispered back.

"I can still hear you," Ganondorf grunted.

"It's rude to interrupt a conversation between two people," Link said before going back to whispering about Ganondorf with Tatl. "It's a good thing this isn't future Ganondorf or he'd have killed me by now!"

"'Future' Ganondorf? What are you talking about up there?"

"Nothing!" Link would have kept on talking to Tatl but he soon noticed that she wasn't listening and was staring at a tree with a very, very poor drawing on it. "Tatl?"

She floated over to the bad drawing. "I remember this," she said. "Skull Kid drew this soon after we met him, he said it was to document our everlasting friendship."

"Wait, he said what?"

"...Nothing. He-"

"Wait a moment." Ganondorf took a closer look at the drawing. "That looks horrible."

"He only has two fingers, shut up! He was also really happy and wanted to get it done as fast as possible. We were his only friends at the time, he had been fighting with his other friends and they weren't very happy with each other. We met him in that log where Ganondorf ambushed you. It was raining, windy, and surprisingly warm, but we still needed some shelter and went in there. He had been crying, and-"

"I'm sorry, could you explain why I should care?" Ganondorf interrupted.

"I'm reminiscing you bastard, shut up. Besides, it might help for you to know more about Skull Kid. For example... he's allergic to bee stings. It's not fatal or even major, but it's there." She sighed. "I remember the day we stole Majora's Mask. It was our first steal and Skull Kid's idea. He was angry at his friends and decided to vent it on the random people travelling in the woods. Me and Tael distracted that Mask Salesman, flying around in front of him while Skull Kid smashed a club over his head. I wish I could have done it but it was too big for me to carry."

With that, Ganondorf now knew of her violent tendencies.

Link glared at the scribbly Skull Kid and decided to slash the drawing, but before Tatl could get angry at him three rupees flew from the wood.

They never spoke of this again.

-1 pm of the First Day, Southern Path-

The thin path to the Southern Swamp was covered in Chuchus. Link and Ganondorf decided to just ignore them at this point as they weren't too much of a problem anyway. About halfway was a tall tree with many Keese bats guarding something shiny on top which Link spent over half an hour trying to get. Unfortunately the Keese were too powerful and Link was quickly enveloped, only surviving due to his quick use of the Great Fairy's Mask.

"Is that Tingle?" Tatl wondered aloud as she saw what was definitely Tingle suspended in mid air by a large red balloon.

"The people here are all weird," Ganondorf added.

Tingle managed to spot Link from his elevated location and dropped to the ground, running over to the group. "Might you be a fairy boy from the woods?" he excitedly asked, looking at Link in awe.

"Well I am a boy, I'm from the woods, and have a fairy, so you could say that I'm a fairy boy," Link answered.

"Marvellous, simply marvellous! I'm Tingle and I believe I'm just like you!" He pointed at his Kokiri outfit, one that looked very strange on a grown man, no matter how short he was. "Alas, I'm thirty five and still no fairy has come to me."

Without warning Ganondorf burst into laughter, bending over and clutching his stomach. "You... thirty five..." he laughed. "Wow! It's... It's so remarkable that you've kept up your... fairy hunt for so long."

"Indeed, Tingle is a very remarkable person!" Tingle did a spin, one that almost made Ganondorf burst out laughing again.

"I love Termina," he chuckled.

-2:30 pm of the First Day, Southern Swamp-

Link stuck a stick in the cloudy water. He pulled it out and watched the wet part dissolve in his hands. "Let's avoid going in there."

"I agree." Tatl flew up, taking a look at the poisonous swamp. "Somehow I know that Skull Kid did this too."

"How did he do all this crap without you noticing?" Ganondorf asked the fairy. "I mean, you've been gone for not even a day and he already beat up the Great Fairy, started pulling the moon down, and poisoned the swamp."

"It's been over a week," Link said.

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow. "It's been a few hours according to the fairy." Tatl punched Link. "Something isn't adding up here, mostly what you say, kid. Now tell me everything or I'm going to eviscerate you."

"Hey, a house!" Link quickly climbed the ladder to go into a raised building.

"Don't avoid the question!"

"What question?"

It was not a house like Link had thought, but a business where you can take a boat trip through the poisoned swamp to the Deku Palace in the distance. "Our Boat Deployment Officer isn't here right now," the bearded man behind the desk had explained. "She went off to the Woods of Mystery and never came back."

"Mysterious," Link commented, stroking his chin as though he had a beard. Which he doesn't.

"So we need the boat to get to the Palace. And to get the boat we need this boat person. To get this boat person we need to go to the Woods of Mystery. And to get to the Woods of Mystery we have to cross part of the lethal swamp," Ganondorf summed up. "This is going to be so fun."

-Outside-

Ganondorf was pushing a screaming Link toward the poisonous water. "Okay Mr. Hero, do your thing!"

"I don't wanna die!"

"Link, your Deku form lets you hop across water," Tatl reminded him. "Use it to hop between the lily pads!"

"Oh, right." Once Ganondorf released Link he took out his Deku Mask and put it on, much to Ganon's confusion. Suddenly he hunched over in agony, screaming as the mask attached itself to his face and warped him into a Deku Scrub through a flash of light. "I hoped I wouldn't have to be like this again," the shorter Link squeaked.

"Hold on!" Ganondorf exclaimed. "First off: What the hell?! Second: What the hell?!"

"This mask has the power to turn the wearer into a Deku Scrub," Tatl explained as Link hopped to the first lily pad. "We also have one that explodes and another that makes animals follow you."

Ganondorf shuddered as he imagined himself as a Deku Scrub. "Never wearing a mask again..."

Tatl decided to leave Ganondorf behind for now and flew after Link, finding him back in his Hylian form and passing through an arch into a walled passage. A random Deku Baba burst from the grass and lunged, picking Link up by the leg and slamming him against a wall. It clicked, moving in for a meal.

Link pulled out his Kokiri Sword and jabbed, pushing the Deku Baba back. It gave him a look before biting the blade, tearing it from Link's hand and throwing the sword to the other wall. The Deku Baba made one more lunge, a lunge that Link intercepted with his shield. He then smacked it with the large metal plate, knocking the plant unconscious.

"That was a tough one!" Link exclaimed while he retrieved his sword. Tatl said nothing.

The path led to a large opening with a large building elevated in the middle. There was a light pool of water around it.

Ganondorf walked up beside Link. "I remembered that I could fly and came over here," he said. "You go into the Woods of Mystery over there and look for that boat person while I go into this... 'Magic Hag's Potion Shop' and get some potions."

Ganondorf floated up to the shop as Link approached the entrance to the woods. Just before he went in...

"**YOU!**"

"Was that Ganondorf?" Tatl questioned, looking up at the shop.

"Probably."

The Woods of Mystery seemed very familiar to Link. "This seems very familiar to me," he said, pondering on why the Woods of Mystery seemed very familiar to Link. "They look like A MONKEY!"

The monkey that had been picking its ass looked at Link. The Hylian boy ran at the monkey, giggling wildly. It saw him running and quickly took off into the trees with Link rapidly pursuing, not stopping his giggling even when branches smacking against his face or giant spinning turtles ran over him.

The chase went on until the monkey encountered two other monkeys. It said something to them and the trio began to lead the oblivious Link to a specific destination. Tatl lazily followed the whole event.

Link's pursuit culminated in a clearing where the monkeys split up, leaving Link conflicted on which to follow. The original monkey was small and cuddly while that one on the left was very fuzzy and had a good shine in its eyes. The last one was kind of dirty, so it was out.

"Ohh! Owow-ow! Help me!"

Link didn't pay any attention to the injured fire witch on the ground, still thinking about his monkey problem.

Tatl punched him again. "Link, look!"

Koume looked up from the ground. "You, Link! What are you doing way out here in Termina?" she groaned.

"Oh, hi Koume! I'm just adventuring," Link casually answered, forgetting about the monkeys. "You know, the usual. Killing evils, rescuing people, all that awesome hero stuff."

"That's nice. Now help me up, I need to get back to Kotake and can't stand on my own." Link pulled Koume to her feet and hoisted an arm over his shoulder, barely holding up the surprisingly taller witch and beginning their hobble toward the exit. "I was just busy minding my own business, picking mushrooms when BAM, I got hit from behind. It was that annoying little ass, the Skull Kid. He had a mask on but I knew it was him, did he really think it would conceal his identity?"

"Actually, that mask is an ancient ritualistic hexing mask that was dangerous enough to warrant being sealed away due to it granting the wearer untold amounts of cursed power," Tatl told her. "He turned Link over there into a Deku for a few days."

Koume snorted, trying to hold in her laughter but horribly failing. "That... that must have been terrible," she cackled. "And can you speed up?"

"I'm working on it," Link grunted.

A giant turtle burst from the grass, the rim of its shell lined with spikes. The Snapper made a strange honking noise before tucking into its shell and spinning at Link. He quickly pushed Koume to the side and was hit full force by the turtle. It crushed him between its shell and a tree with enough force to crack the thick tree trunk.

An explosion sent the Snapper reeling back as Link's Bomb Mask smoked. He had somehow had enough time to put it on and detonate before the Snapper killed him. Koume merely summoned a ball of fire and fried the injured turtle. He staggered over to Koume and collapsed on the ground as well.

"That was a heroic move, sacrificing yourself like that," Tatl commented as she floated around Link's head.

"Yeah..." He had been hoping it would change course and take care of the weaker Koume first, letting him run off. But Tatl's version sounded better.

"I'll go get Ganondorf, watch out for turtles in the meantime." She flew off, leaving the crippled Link and Koume to fend for themselves.

_The GoW formula is that any beaten boss joins. Ganondorf was beaten in Ocarina of Time, so I put the past self that has no knowledge of the future events in the group! Took a while to think of a way to get him over to their side though, that was a pain._


	7. Deku Palace

_Published January 31, 2010_

**Deku Palace**

"Mom, what the hell are you doing here?!" Ganondorf demanded as he backed away from the half awake Kotake.

"Don't yell so loud, I'm tired," Kotake mumbled before jerking upright. "Ganondorf? Why are you here?"

"I asked you first. Right before leaving I talked to you and you were still in the desert, but now you're suddenly in a potion shop in a completely different country! Something doesn't add up and I need to find out what."

"It's probably a six dear, you were always bad at math."

Ganondorf pulled on his hair in frustration. "Ugh... Don't take this the wrong way mom but I want you to smash your face off of the table right now."

"Isn't there only one way to take that?"

Tatl flew into the shop. "Ganondorf, Link's hurt out in the woods with this Koume person and needs help," she hastily explained. "Come quick before the turtles get him!"

Ganondorf's face warped into one of extreme confusion. "I'm going to just go and not ask questions."

-Night of the First Day, Woods of Mystery-

"That annoying fairy _did _say Ganondorf, right?" Koume asked Link from their prone position.

"Yup," he confirmed.

"Oh good, I haven't seen him in so long. I wonder if he's taken over Hyrule yet."

"Nope."

"Oh well, I guess that this old hag will just work at a boat office for a little while longer. Then once he takes over Hyrule I get to be royalty again! Eh heh heh heh heh!"

"How old are you?"

She set his head on fire, resulting in the Hylian jumping to his feet and screaming as the flames singed his hat. "How long have you been able to stand up?"

"A while, the ground was just really comfy. Well, it was until you set me on fire. That hurt." She was about to shoot more fire at him when Ganondorf, Tatl, and Kotake arrived through a bush.

Ganondorf saw Koume gazing up at him. "Hi mother," he grunted.

"That's no way to greet one of your two sibling mothers after two years! Now help me up!"

Instead of assisting her like ordered, he narrowed his eyes as his suspicions rose. "Two years? I was talking to you just three months ago."

"Did I say two years? I meant three months. You know how often I get things like that mixed up, eh heh heh heh heh..."

"Look Koume, it's Ganondorf!" Kotake exclaimed.

"Yes Kotake, I see that. Now somebody needs to help me!" Kotake gave Koume a red potion, restoring her strength. She then three the empty bottle to Link. He found it shiny.

They all left the Woods of Mystery, revealing Koume to be in charge of the boat that they had needed. "I thought your dream was to make a potion shop," Link said. "How do boats fit in? Are you trying to take over the world?"

"Um... no. The shop doesn't have as much income as we wanted so I got a job here, but with the swamp killing everything that goes in it not many people want to go on the boat cruise," Koume revealed. "That's why prices skyrocketed last Thursday."

"Do relatives get half price?" Ganondorf hesitantly asked his mother. Koume smacked him.

"I didn't raise you to be a cheapskate! You'll pay, and you'll pay full price!"

"Plus tip," Kotake added. "Isn't that right, Koume?"

"...Yes."

A few monkeys ran up to Link. "Me been watching you," the middle monkey said.

"Tatl, do most monkeys talk in Termina?" Link whispered to the fairy.

"No..."

"Lately, this swamp, filled with poison water," the monkey continued. "Temple above waterfall strange, brother go to temple. But brother no able to find entrance. Temple for Deku only."

"I'm a Deku!" Link exclaimed, putting on the Deku Mask. "Now I can find the temple!"

"It no work like that. Brother captured by Deku. Now in palace. Help brother!"

"Okay. But first..." Link held up the empty bottle, which was still shining from the millimetre of light coming from what remained of the sun. "I can never thank you enough for this gift!" he exclaimed.

"You haven't even thanked them once," Tatl told him.

The tiny bit of light went through the bottle, turning into a concentrated beam of light. It just happened to go right into the potion shop and hit the many potions, boiling them all to the point of a massive explosion, obliterating the whole hut. Flaming debris, shards of glass, and rupees landed all over the clearing.

Link didn't even notice.

-Night of the First Day, Boat cruise-

"So why are you coming with us again?"

"You blew up my house," Kotake reminded him. "You would have seen it if you stopped staring at that bottle for a few seconds, isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes," Koume grumbled as she rowed the boat through the swamp. The paddle would have dissolved if it wasn't for magic and whatnot.

A Big Octo sat in their way, blocking a tunnel that went straight to the Deku Palace. Link stood up. "Do not fear, I dealt with one of these on my last journey. I shall handle it!"

"Sit down," Koume ordered. "Watch." She continued rowing and rammed the boat into its eye, the Big Octo yelping before retreating into the poison. "Happens every time." She flinched as a light shot her in the eyes. "Put that down or it goes into the swamp!"

Ganondorf, lying on his side with an arm hoisting his head up, grinned as he looked at the results displayed in the Pictograph Box. The lazy Gerudo king chuckeld to himself. "You're not picture material, mother."

Kotake floated over on her broomstick. "Oh my god you're hideous Koume!"

"What? No I'm not, I'm beautiful!" Tatl cringed, choosing to stay silent. "You're just jealous that I kept my natural nose after growing old and wrinkly, unlike you."

"Oh there's no way that thing is natural Koume, no way! I've seen dolphins with more natural noses than you."

"Spare me your insults Kotake, they're as ugly as your huge, bulging eyes."

"My eyes aren't as ugly as that hairdo of yours. It's so 27th century, get with the times!"

It was sad to watch for most, but highly entertaining to the dumb and sadistic.

"That was a good one!" Link exclaimed after Kotake's insult.

"You have the same hairstyle!" Koume snapped.

"She's got you there!"

"Mine is complemented by the blue, and when it's all ice magic it looks good. Unlike yours, which is all fire and going everywhere. Did you even think when you did that?"

"Ouch, that one was like a slap in the face!"

"The main problem with your argument is that fire doesn't suck."

"A vicious comeback!"

"Is anyone watching where we're going?" Tatl whispered to Ganondorf.

"I doubt it," Ganondorf responded as he subtly rose into the air and away from their doomed vessel.

-8 pm of the First Day, Deku Palace-

"That was horrible," Link muttered as he squeezed some poisoned water from his hat. "I could have died!"

The completely unharmed Ganondorf scoffed at this."You think it was bad for _you_? I paid so much for that trip and ended up flying half of the trip anyway!"

The castle before them had just two floors, but to the metre tall Deku Scrubs it was a massive, grand structure. The front entrance didn't even have a door. Link hopped across the floating bridges to but just before entering the palace two surprisingly tall Scrubs burst from the ground. "Halt! This is the royal palace of the Deku Kingdom. It is no place for outsiders!" it announced.

"Wait, there's an entire Kingdom of Deku Scrubs?" Ganondorf asked. "Holy shit, you guys must be weak."

"We are one of the most feared empires in the land!" the other guard argued. "None dare stand against the might of the Deku!"

"Hey mother, do you feel like setting them on fire?"

"Not today, Ganondorf."

"But-"

"No buts young man! They are dirty and cracked down the middle!" The argument stopped and everyone just stared at Koume. "Well it's true!"

Tatl turned back to the guards. "Can we please come in?"

"Only Deku may enter the palace," the first Scrub announced in an official tone. "That is final!"

"Okay!" Link put on his Deku Mask. "Ta-da!"

"I- Uh- That's not fair!" the guard cried. "Do the regulations cover shapeshifters?"

"No," the other Deku said as it looked through a handbook. "The closest thing is Gorons with flowers on their heads."

"He transformed right in front of us, that proves he isn't a Deku though."

"I am so a Deku!" Link argued. "I can shoot bubbles!"

"He has a point."

"Fine. But only you may enter. Also, only go straight to the Royal Chamber. Do not enter any other areas under any circumstances, is that clear?"

"As clear as my shiny bottle."

Ganondorf leaned against the wall, getting comfortable. "I'm going to sleep for a bit, don't bother me."

Kotake smacked the back of his head. "You didn't brush your teeth!" she snapped. "Do so right now!"

"It's just a nap, I-"

"Listen to your mother," Koume interrupted.

"Fuck it, I'm going for a walk."

-Inside the Deku Palace-

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, MONKEY!" the Deku King roared. "YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF ONE THOUSAND FLAMING SNAKES SODOMIZING YOU IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHERE MY DAUGHTER IS!"

"Sir, the one thousand flaming ass snakes don't come in for another week," a random Deku whispered to the king.

"WELL FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO STICK IN HIS ASS!"

"There _are_ other ways to torture someone you know. We have that pot of boiling water, or if you want to mutilate him we have knives-"

"NO! SODOMY IS THE MOST HUMILIATING OF THE BUNCH! FIND ME THE THOSE NEEDLE PLANTS!"

"Cacti?"

"YES! FIND THEM NOW OR I WILL HAVE YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF THE DEKU GOD!"

"Tatl, what's sodomy?"

"You'll find out when you're older."

Link cautiously made his way across the throne room, going around the fire and approaching a random Deku. "So what's going on?"

"Rumour has it that the monkey ate the princess," the Deku said. "Isn't it frightful?"

"Shut up Steve, _you_ started that rumour," another Deku yelled from near the monkey's cage.

The Deku Butler approached Link, giving him a small bow. "I'm sorry that you had to hear the king's rant," he said. "With the princess missing, he has been unable to keep his cool."

"No problem, I didn't get half of it anyway," Link said, waving the rant off.

The king seemed to still be screaming. "I WILL PULL OUT ALL OF YOUR HAIRS, ONE AT A TIME AND MAKE YOU EAT A STIR-FRY MADE OF THEM! THEN I'LL HAVE YOU SHIT THAT OUT AND EAT THAT!"

"I fear that the princess may be in some kind of trouble, just as the monkey claims. But in his current state, I can't get through to the king to convince him to send someone to look for her."

"Wait," Tatl interrupted. "So the king is fully focused on punishing the monkey and hasn't even sent anyone to look for the princess yet?"

"Our king is not very smart."

"I NEED SCISSORS! 61!"

Link and Tatl went to the cage, seeing the monkey tied to a pole inside of it. "He he, monkey!" Link giggled.

"Come to mock me as well, Deku Scrub?" the monkey defiantly asked. "I did not kidnap the princess, no matter how many times you say it it won't get her back! She'll be killed by a monster unless something is done!"

"And where do we find said monster?" Tatl asked the monkey.

"In the temple!"

"The temple is a shrine!" one of the Deku Scrubs behind Link argued. "There are no monsters there!"

Having learned enough information, the two left the Royal Chamber only to run into another monkey. "Was my brother alright?" it asked.

"You talk a lot more fluently than the last monkey," Tatl commented.

"Yes, he's a bit slow in the head. You saw the entrance to the cage, right?"

"No," Link answered.

"It was a big hole in the wall behind the monkey," Tatl said, punching him. "Look around next time!"

"We know a secret route to there," the monkey continued. "There's an entrance in the outer garden, but it's too high to reach normally. You need a bean from the bean seller who lives below the palace garden."

"How long have you been planning this out?" Tatl asked the monkey.

"A very long time. I have battle plans so we can storm the castle if you fail. I've even analyzed patrol routes and know how good the vision of every guard is. We have a flamethrower in case that fails too."

-10 pm, the Palace Gardens-

The Hylian Link poked his head around the corner, ducking back as a Deku Guard walked past him. "Stupid stealth missions."

"Who said that?!"

"It came from over there!"

"Charge!"

"Uh-oh."

Link was swarmed by the Scrubs, unable to see anything through the leaves. Suddenly he was thrown off of his feet and found himself at the castle's main entrance, the two Deku guards staring at him. He put the Deku Mask back on. "I told you not to go anywhere except the Royal Chamber!" the guard snapped.

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again..."

"Well, as long as you're sorry I suppose I can let you back in. Just listen to me this time!"

"Okay, thanks!" Link hobbled back into the palace, entering the garden again.

"You've let him back in eight times now," the other Deku said. "When are you finally going to stop him?"

"How about when you shut the hell up!"

Link tiptoed past the first Deku Scrub, waiting until the second had turned its back before running into the next area. From there he just did what he did in the Hyrule Castle sneaking mission: hum to himself while knocking out all the enemies from behind. The garden path eventually ended at a hole. "Have I had any bad experiences going down a hole?" Link asked the fairy.

"I don't know, you may have."

"Good enough." He jumped into the open pit.

Inside of the pit was a man sitting on a carpet, eating things out of a bag. "Ooooh, you're my first customer in a long time," he said, food flying out of his mouth. "I sell Magic Beans. If you plant them and water them they'll grow real fast, yes they will. Ten rupees per bean."

"Can I have a free sample?" Tatl asked him.

"Of course." She received a bean.

"Can my friend here have a free sample too?"

"I don't see why not." Link was given a bean.

"I have some friends who aren't here that would also like some free samples. Would you mind us giving them some?"

"Not at all." She was given four more free samples.

"Thanks!" The two quickly fled the underground cavern. When they emerged into the darkness they found all the Deku Scrubs lying on the ground with their necks snapped. A large man with a grey bodysuit and a bandana snuck out of the area. "Looks like we won't have any trouble leaving."

Link ran out of the garden, finding Koume and Kotake playing cards in front of the palace. "Go fish," Kotake said.

"Aren't we playing poker?" Kotake glared at her. "Kidding, kidding."

"I have the Magic Beans!" Link exclaimed, holding up one of the small green beans. "Now we can get int through the upper entrance."

"What are you talking about? You haven't told us anything since you first went in to see the monkey, isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes it is Kotake, yes it is."

"Oh, right. We're going to use the Magic Bean to fly to the garden's upper entrance and break into the monkey cage!" Link eagerly explained. "Where's Ganondorf?"

"He went out on a walk hours ago and never came back," Koume explained. "He's going to have a lot of explaining to do!"

-11:30 pm of the First Day, the Upper Entrance-

Link, Kotake, and Tatl looked at the path they had to follow to reach the monkey's cage, Koume having stayed behind to wait for Ganondorf. "So I have to jump between all of the moving platforms with my Deku hovering," Link summarized.

"The hovering ability that you aren't very good at," Tatl added.

"In the dark!" Kotake continued.

"Right." Deku Link burrowed into the first flower and flew toward the first platform. Suddenly, a Deku Nut flew through the air and exploded on Link, sending him crashing to the ground. He screamed, falling into an unattended part of the garden. "What just happened?"

A Mad Scrub laughed to itself as it hid in its flower again.

-2 am of the First Day, the Monkey Cage... technically it's the second day since it's after midnight, but the counter doesn't change until morning... whatever-

The Hylian Link fell to the floor, gasping for breath. "So... many nuts... There were nuts... everywhere..."

"Oh! How did you get in here?" the monkey quietly asked, excitement evident in his voice.

"I fell," Link groaned.

"Don't talk so loudly! If they see you in here they'll capture you too!"

"So this is the monkey we were sent to help, eh?" Kotake circled around the monkey on her broom.

"What? You were sent to help me?"

"Your brothers... I think," Tatl said. "One of them had me questioning whether-"

Link jumped, attempting to slash through the rope. The monkey pulled up its feet just in time to avoid having them cut off by his flailing sword. "Don't do that!" Kotake created a large blade of ice and slashed the pole in half midway up, causing the monkey to fall to the ground screaming. Luckily the Deku Scrubs all began cheering from something the king said, not noticing the loud slam. Link calmly cut the ropes. "You could have killed me!"

"_Could_ have, _could_."

"I'll just move on. Do you by any chance have something that can make a lot of noise, like a loud instrument?" Link pulled out his ocarina. "That tiny thing will never do, it's too quiet. We need something loud to rescue the princess!"

Link put on his Deku Mask and took out the pipes. "I- What- You have Deku pipe now, just like the princess. Those will work great! Who are you anyway?" Link wobbled and fell over under the weight of the pipes. This somehow attracted the attention of the Deku King.

"THE MONKEY IS ESCAPING! I WANT THE PROFESSIONAL MONKEY CATCHERS IN THERE, RIGHT NOW!"

"It'll take a long time to explain, let's move on!" Tatl quickly answered.

"Good idea. Listen to this: I was trying to find out about the poison water to I went to the Woodfall Temple with the princess since you need Deku pipe to get in. Unfortunately there was a monster there and it captured the princess. No one else will believe me, so it's up to us to help her!" Link and the monkey ran into the cage's exit where the Deku couldn't get them. "Here's the song the princess taught me!" He quickly hummed the Sonata of Awakening. Link managed to get this song right in a record four minutes!

"Let's go!" Everyone fled the cage, going through the upper garden while dodging the bubbles sent at them from the Deku Scrubs below. They ran along the elevated path until it ended at the spot where Link came in. "Follow me!" Link jumped down, rolling on impact to avoid damage... only to find a swarm of Deku Scrubs waiting. "Back up, back up!"

The Deku Scrubs ran, the crowd engulfing everyone. When they left Link, Kotake, Tatl, and the monkey were each tied to a different pole in the middle of the Royal Chamber.

"How'd this happen?" Tatl questioned. No one answered.

"I can't believe that one of my own would try to free the monkey!" the Deku King growled. "OPEN THE HATCH AND CALL THE DEKU GOD FOR ITS DIVINE PUNISHMENT!" A Scrub grabbed a really long stick with a hook on the end and reached for the ceiling, catching on a handle and pulling part of the roof off. It fell down and smashed the Deku King's throne to pieces. "I'm glad I wasn't on that. Now Deku God, PUNISH THIS... GUY!"

Two large pincers reached in from above and a large being dropped from the sky, landing on the ruins of the throne. "Dammit, there's splinters everywhere!"

"Oh, hi Gohma," Link greeted. He paused. "Wait a minute..."


	8. The One with Reintroductions

_During the weekdays I won't have much time to write, it'll mostly be a weekend thing. Mostly._

_Consider the first part of this chapter to be a little ball shaped gift._

_Published February 10, 2010_

**The One with Reintroductions**

Morpha snorted, waking up from his sleep to find himself no longer in the water that he prided himself in controlling, but being held up in some kind of net. "Is it another one of those eggs?" one of his unseen captors asked someone else.

"Nah, wrong colour. Still it could be worth something-"

"Release me at once!" Morpha snarled, wiggling a bit in the net. Someone dropped the net and he bounced onto the deck of a boat. "Throw me back into the water right now, or face my wrath!"

"It talks!"

"It? I am no it, I am Morpha, Lord of the Seas and soon to be your killer should you not obey my will!" Morpha viciously snarled, shaking back and forth in an attempt to roll to the edge. Green hands picked him up, their owner looking at him for a minute before shaking him. "AH! Stop that! You cannot even comprehend the power of those you are messing with! I order you to stop! Oooooh, I think I'm going to be sick…"

"What do we do with it?"

"I AM NOT AN IT!"

"Fine, we'll take her with us to see what the others think."

"I AM NOT A HER!"

"Yes, a talking ball. They'll think so highly of us when we bring _this_ back to them."

Morpha sighed. "Some days I wonder why I try so hard."

-Deku Palace Royal Chamber-

"Mighty God of the Deku, this-"

"Broke in, attracted a lot of attention, I can guess what happened," Gohma interrupted from the ruined throne. "I bet you don't even know what subtle means, Link."

"Do too!"

"No you don't." Gohma stepped out of the wood and approached the pole Link was tied to. She noticed Kotake tied up beside the Deku boy. "I don't really remember your name but I know that I hated you."

"The name is Kotake."

"I didn't ask for your name."

"DO NOT ANGER THE GOD OF THE DEKU!" the king shouted from across the large fire pit in the centre of the room, his fists raised into the air and head thrown back as he roared into the air.

Gohma ignored him. "So do ya mind explaining why you're a Deku and sneaking into the palace?"

"It is thanks to a powerful mask that lets me become this form at any time that I want!" Link exclaimed.

"Oh goodie, now you can be a wimpy little Deku Scrub at any time you want."

A Deku in the background thought about this for a moment. "Did our 'god' just insult us?"

Gohma slashed the rope that was holding Link against the pole. With nothing keeping him up he fell several feet and landed with just a bit of pain. "Now that I've saved your ass again, go do whatever it is you're planning to do and leave me be. I have a civilization to be worshipped by after all."

"Hang on a minute!" Link hobbled up to Gohma. "How'd you get here and why are they all calling you their god?"

"I went out adventuring over a year ago and ended up in Termina," Gohma said to Link. "From there the Deku Scrubs mistook me for their giant scorpion shaped god Allacalulu, and here I am."

"Did our 'god' just admit to being false?"

"DO NOT QUESTION ALLACALULU DE LA GOHMA!"

"Hold on!" Link shouted as Gohma began to crawl up the wall to the large hole in the roof. "That barely explained anything! Tell me a bit more."

The massive monster gave Link a sharp glare. "Do you really want me to go through all of the details?" He nodded. "Fine, here are _all_ of the details_._ On a fine, partially cloudy evening six hundred and twenty four days ago, I decided while walking through a grassy plane that instead of simply doing nothing in a peaceful, boring land that I should go out and travel the world in search of anything to keep me entertained. Twenty six hours and fifty one minutes later I set out to the east-southeast past many living, tall trees in hopes of finding this entertaining land that I described earlier.

"Two weeks afterwards I stumbled upon a traveller named Gerbil. He was a tall man, somewhat muscular with a bit of a belly on him. He thought that I was a monster, which I am if you go by the standard definition, and almost immediately ran away screaming. I easily chased Gerbil down and killed him."

"I think we-"

"NO!" Gohma snapped, cutting Tatl off. "He wants a story so I'm gonna give the asshole a story! Soon after devouring Gerbil I entered Termina, seeing Clock Town from a distance and deciding that it would be my destination. T'was a marvellous sight. I showed it to Gerbil's decapitated head since he likes that kind of thing. We really hit it off once he got over the whole 'waaaaah, waaaaaah, you ate me' bullshit. He was quite the whiner. After a small amount of time I disposed of the inanimate head that I had talked to for companionship due to the increasingly dreadful stench.

"In Clock Town the locals were _completely_ terrified of me," the arachnid proudly continued. "As you know I don't give a damn about what others think, but they really hurt me... physically that is. There was this one guy who set his arrows on fire. Ouch. After a brief struggle in which I came out the victor I decided that Clock Town was not for me and left the city walls, heading further south toward the swamp. It was not poisonous like it is now so I traversed the area with relative ease, the occasional Dragonfly and Big Octo proving to be no challenge. The Deku Palace stood out against the surrounding trees and murky water, so I went inside. They began to call me their god so I just decided to go with it and here we are. You are a prisoner who I could have executed should you continue to piss me off and I have tons of power which I could use to have you killed at any given moment. So leave me alone and go swim in some deadly goo or whatever it is you do."

The wall of the room exploded , rocks flying everywhere and taking out several Deku Scrubs. From the smoking hole came Ganondorf, brushing some dust off of himself. "Ganon, you came to save us!" Link exclaimed.

Ganondorf flicked a stone off of his shoulder. "From what?"

-Dawn of the Second Day, Outside the Deku Palace-

"To Woodfall!" The Hylian Link pointed into the distance, a huge smile covering his face. "So how do we get there?"

"Oh for crying out loud..." Gohma grabbed Link's head and twisted him to face a hole in the western cliff. "Go through there and just follow the flowers. You'll be there within an hour." She gave the five of them a light shove. "Now leave me alone and don't come back until you have the princess."

"All right. To Woodfall!" He jumped across the lily pads, screaming every time they sunk and his feet were burned by the swamp water. Ganondorf, Koume, and Kotake flew after him.

"So did anyone tell you about the group's last fairy?" Gohma asked the lingering Tatl.

"No, why?"

Gohma lightly chuckled. "No reason."

Tatl flew after the others, reaching a stone platform where Link was pouring their drinking water on his injured feet. "Link, am I just a replacement for your old fairy?"

"Well you are white," Kotake pointed out.

"And have a similar voice," Koume added.

"Same size too."

"Your hands are the same size."

"Don't forget the eyes. They're almost identical," Link threw in.

-A few minutes later-

Link looked down from the top of one of the many mushroom shaped plants filled the area. Their feet sank into the orange fungus with each step across it. "Don't fall," Ganondorf warned with a grin on his face.

"I'm not gonna fall," Link said as he put on his Deku Mask, screaming in agony as he became a Deku Scrub again.

"That giant Dragonfly is watching him," Ganon whispered to Tatl, pointing at the metre long insect perched on the rock wall beside them.

"They eat Dekus," she told him quietly as Link burrowed into a Deku flower and shot into the air. "Watch this, you'll like it."

As Link began to fly forwards the Dragonfly shot off the wall, its tail electrifying itself. It stabbed Link and he fell out of the air, crashing on top of a Big Octo below. The Big Octo swung to the side, crushing him against a stone. Link recovered and began to shoot bubbles at the looming beast.

"Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Combating the evils of electric bugs and shelled octopi."

Link was pulled from the perilous octopus' grip and brought back to the mushroom. "Ho-ho-ho-ho, this is an interesting sight. Gone from fighting evil kings to shooting bubbles at river creatures, have you?"

Link froze, his blood running cold and his feet not responding from fear. It was truly the beginning of the end. "No... No, I refuse! You don't exist, go away!"

Kaepora Gaebora, known by most as Kae Gae, was perched atop a random rock, staring at Link with disbelief. "Now you're just being melodramatic." The giant brown owl slapped the boy with a wing. "Stop your whining."

"The banker spoke the truth," Link cried. Kae Gae's incredibly large eyebrow twitched.

"That banker is still alive? I thought I killed that... Um... Anyway, I saw you a while ago getting looted by the Skull Kid and decided to subtly follow you around, like I'm specialized in doing."

"Who the hell is this stalking owl guy?" Ganondorf asked them.

Kae Gae looked at Ganondorf for a moment before turning back to Link. "You do who that is, right?"

"Yup."

"Just to clarify: That's GANONDORF. You know, the future King of Evil and betrayer of the Goddesses."

"The very same."

"The one that you put blood, sweat, tears, and feces into making sure that he couldn't accomplish his goals, which would result in the deaths of half of Hyrule."

"That's him."

"And you're travelling with him, willingly at that."

"That about sums it up."

Kae Gae slapped Link across the face, repeatedly. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU SO BRAIN-DEAD RETARDED THAT YOU DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO COMMON SENSE?! Does anyone else with a brain know of this?"

"Gohma, but she just laughed and told me to enjoy what little life I have left... It was kind of ominous."

"Gee, I wonder why?" Kae Gae rapidly shook his head, clearing his thoughts to get back to the task at hand. "I know that you are here to venture to the Woodfall Temple and purge the swamp of poison, and I have information to tell you."

"And here we go again." Link sat down, getting comfortable.

"Oh come on, my information _does_ help. The swamp has lost its guardian deity. It was destined to fade, and that destiny is not solely limited to this swamp..."

"Wait a moment," Tatl interrupted, flying between the owl and the Deku. "This has happened to other places too?"

"I'm going to guess all of the areas you need to visit," Ganondorf said. "Luck tends to work like that."

"Indeed, psychopathic asshole," Kae Gae agreed.

"Wow, you know me so well already."

"Moving on... Just because this tragedy was destined does not mean it cannot be reversed. So continue to Woodfall Temple and reawaken the guardian. But first, I will teach you something useful. Have you seen any of the stone statues that resemble me on your way here?"

"Nope!"

"Look harder next time, you've already passed two. I placed them in key points across the land, and if you activate them you will be able to travel instantly between the statues at any time with the Song of Soaring."

"Couldn't you have activated them for us?" Tatl irritably questioned, giving the owl a glare.

"Why that would have been _far_ too convenient," Kae gae answered, laughing like Tatl's question was that of a forty year old asking where babies came from. "Silly fairy. Now I have carved the song on a stone farther down this path, so learn it when you pass by." Kae Gae took flight and mercilessly slaughtered the Dragonfly, clearing Link's path of the obstacle. He flew from mushroom to mushroom, following the linear path.

"He's so efficient at killing things," Tatl said as Kae Gae slaughtered another Dragonfly. "Unlike some people."

"What?" Kotake said when Tatl glared at the two witches. "Koume, why is she glaring at us?"

"I do not know," Koume dully lied. "There is nothing that I can think of at the moment which would give her a reason to dislike you."

"Exactly! I should freeze her in ice and throw the block into Death Mountain!"

"Go ahead."

Tatl chose to not comment on them openly plotting her demise.

Kae Gae landed on top of a large stone monolith. Link turned back to his human form and looked at the six notes carved onto the bottom by what looked like a bird's talon. He took out his ocarina and after some trial and error managed to get the song right. "Good show Link," Kae Gae praised. "From your first playing of this song, which just happened, he became eternal friends, transcending time and place! Yes, you probably should have looked into the details before playing the song," he joyously added upon seeing Link's horrified face. "Ho-ho-ho-ho, enjoy your journey!" He spread his wings and took off, flying across the sky with his massive wings.

"I want my fire arrows."

-Woodfall-

The Woodfall was enclosed by high cliffs and aside from a few platforms completely covered in water. The liquid was deep purple and looked much thicker than the rest of the swamp, barely moving toward the waterfall it used to go into the rest of the region. A few wooden boards went across the top to walk on. "Yummy," Ganon said as he looked at the ooze.

"We need to get over there," Tatl said, pointing at a wooden platform on the other side of the area. "Gohma said so."

"Gohma also said to die in ooze if I remember correctly," Koume added.

"That's just the Gohma way," Link said, brushing it off. "He... she... it... she has quite a sense of humour." He looked around, meeting a Hiploop's gaze. "Hey, I've never seen that before."

"Don't make eye contact with them," Tatl told him.

"Why?" The Hiploop screeched into the air, charging across the board and tackling Link at full speed. It screeched again, picking him up in its pincers and throwing him against the wall. It rammed him several times and then kicked him in the nuts. Satisfied, it happily walked back to its board.


	9. Woodfall Temple

_This was originally the shortest chapter when I finished where I had planned to, but I said "Nah, too short!" 30 minutes later, bam, longest chapter so far!_

_Published February 13, 2010_

**Woodfall Temple**

Link stared at the owl statue. "So how do we activate it?"

"Stab it," Ganondorf answered. Link stabbed the stone and in a flash of light its wings were spread wide. "That worked?"

"It makes sense if you think about it," Kotake said as she floated around on her broom. "Isn't that right Koume?"

"Sure, why not."

During this discussion Tatl was observing the elevated platform that they stood on, looking at the Deku shaped symbol in the middle. "It looks like they do rituals here," she stated. "Link, play the Sonata of Awakening."

Link turned into his Deku form and stood on the symbol, taking out his pipes in the process. "Hey Tatl, what would you do if I completely forgot the song?"

"Hurt you beyond what I should be capable of. Why?" she innocently asked, tilting head with her face remaining completely blank.

"N-no reason! Heh heh, just me asking a random question for no real reason! Yup, that's all." He put his mouth up to the blowhole, glancing once more at Tatl before playing the Song of Healing.

Ganondorf screamed and fell to his knees, clawing mercilessly at his own ears. "WHY?! WHY DOES IT HURT?!"

Link snapped his stubby little fingers. "Now I remember!"

"Whoopdee fucking doo!"

Kotake gasped at Ganondorf's language. She flew down to him and without warning backhanded the Gerudo King across his face. She said nothing, simply returning to her previous spot near the owl statue.

"With that family squabble out of the way, play the song."

Link played the Sonata of Awakening, and almost immediately the whole Woodfall began to shake. With his tiny body and huge head Link fell over without any resistance. The water level began to rise and out of the middle came a massive wave of purple which spread in all directions, revealing the first traces of the rising temple. As the shaking began to die down the Woodfall Temple became fully visible in all of its mossy glory, now standing in the middle of the area. Some water dripped off of its tree covered top.

Ganondorf scoffed at this. "Yeah, 'cause that makes sense."

Link picked himself up, holding out his arms in an attempt to balance his disproportionate body. "For tiny plant things," Tatl began, "they sure are flashy." Link burrowed into the Deku flower and burst into the air, hovering toward the temple's entrance.

"Does he know that we can easily fly him there?" Ganondorf suddenly questioned.

"Oh don't be a spoilsport," Koume said. "Let the boy have his fun."

Tatl's face slipped into a frown. "I think he's lost control of the flowers."

Ganondorf nodded lightly. "Looks like it. He's wobbling all over the place."

"Can someone go help him before he dies?"

"But that's no fun."

-9 am of the Second Day, Woodfall Temple-

"Wow," Link gasped as he looked around the cavernous interior of the temple. "It looked so much smaller outside."

"This place smells like there's a bunch of tiny black balls down below us," Koume said as she looked off of the ledge, into the darkness.

Tatl looked down as well but was unable to make anything out. "And what's a black ball smell like?"

Koume tapped her long nose. "You'd know if you had a nose like this one," she proclaimed. "I can smell anything with this gift. Go ahead, name something."

"It's okay, I believe you."

A pink stray fairy floated out from behind one of the many twisted roots going from the floor to the ceiling. It lazily flew passed them. Link took off his Deku Mask and dumped his small collection of masks onto the floor, cringing as he saw the Great Fairy's Mask staring up from the top of the pile. With great reluctance he put the mask on, immediately grabbing the fairy's attention. It hovered closer to him.

"You're not a Great Fairy," the stray fairy said.

Kotake instantly grabbed it out of the air and stuffed it in a bag. "One down, fourteen to go!" Ganondorf opened a nearby treasure chest, revealing another fairy. Kotake took it as well. "Two down, thirteen to go!"

"Don't do that," Tatl ordered.

Everyone flew across the room and entered one that was almost as large, spanning two floors with numerous balconies across the top. It was filled with purple water and had four fanged lily pads floating in it. A large wooden flower sat in the middle.

"This place smells just like that swamp," Tatl hissed, pinching her nose closed. "Only it's more contained, no thanks to the enclosed room."

"I don't smell anything," Link said.

"You're a Hylian, kid," Ganondorf explained. "Hylians suck ass in all departments. Size, strength, senses, smarts, if it can start with 's' you're bad at it."

"Sterility?" Tatl brought up.

"I wouldn't be surprised."

They descended a ramp, the only way to go, getting attacked by a few Deku Baba on the way down. Despite Link's earlier struggles he was able to kill them all relatively easily, the last one releasing another Stray Fairy from its mouth. "Three down, twelve to go!"

"You wanna die?"

Unfortunately for them the door at the bottom was locked. "Maybe I could hop across the water and use those things as lily pads," Link suggested.

Tatl looked at the many sharp teeth sticking out of the plants. "They look carnivorous." It was too late for warning, Link had already hopped over to one. It put up no resistance and he could cross to the next one and then to the other side of the room with minimal difficulty. "Or not."

Ganondorf decided to jump onto one of the red plants. It instantly reacted, closing itself around him and locking itself shut. "THE HELL?!" He punched a hole in the side and tore it open, easily escaping. "Stupid plants, thinking they're better than they really are."

Link broke open a pot and found a fourth stray fairy. "Four down, eleven to go!" Kotake grabbed this one too.

"I swear, if you do that every time for every temple I'm going to kill you. It will be slow and _extremely _painful. You will suffer."

Link continued onwards without waiting for the others to catch up. He went through a small, water filled room using a Deku flower and afterwards found himself in a room with three Snappers – giant turtles. Before he could turn around the door he came through was covered with strange bars, locking it shut.

He backed up. "Okay, these things must have a weak point. But what..." One turtle charged him but Link quickly reverted to his Hylian form and blocked it with his shield, nearly shattering his arm in the process. "Think Link, think! ...Hey that rhymes! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! Wait, that rhymes too! I'm so good that I... can... shlood."

The turtle attacked again. He blocked it again. This time another turtle moved in to help. It crashed into the first turtle and flipped them both over. Link laughed. He then stabbed. They died. Sentence fragment.

The last turtle had no other turtles to run into, leaving it a one on one situation. As Link ran away from the raging turtle the others wondered where he had gone but figured that he'd show up sooner or later.

After a brief chase he was trapped in a corner, the beast slowly advancing on him. "Why did I have to run into a corner?" It snapped at him, but Link smacked it in the face with his shield. "When in doubt, blow things up!" He put on his Blast Mask and with his shield up, detonated it. The turtle's head was blown apart and Link was... not charred and dying? "That's weird. Wait a minute..."

Outside, Ganondorf had just found a key and a stray fairy at the same time. "Five down, ten to go!"

Link quickly ran up to them with his Bomb Mask still on. "Told ya he'd come back," Ganondorf said to Tatl. "And what does this teach us?"

"Barely anything."

"Hey, look what I can do!" Link said from beside them all. He held up his shield and detonated the mask. "See, I'm completely unharmed!"

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Koume, why would he-"

"I don't know, shut up Kotake!"

Tatl was blown against a wall, unconscious but also angry.

Regardless of their pain, Link was happy.

Once the pain was dealt back to Link he was dragged to the locked door they had earlier stumbled upon. Inside was more water with thin wooden bridges crossing over the top of it. Tatl saw an unlit torch beside a barred door. "This torch is still warm," she analyzed. Seeing a chance to be a pyromaniac, Koume set it on fire. The bars covering the door clicked and rose into the top of the doorframe, opening it. "Well that solves that. Let's see what's in there- Link, what are you doing?"

The Hero of Time was currently fighting against a Skulltula that had him pinned down. "I don't know how this happened but HELP!" he cried as it tried to tear his throat out again. Ganondorf rolled his eyes and picked the spider up by the head, crushing it. The bug brains splattered everywhere.

"Wimp."

Another stray fairy came out of the corpse. "Six down, nine to go!" Link exclaimed.

"That's the way to do it! Eh-he-he-he!"

With that out of the way it was time to venture forth into the unlocked room... which was filled with Dragonflies! One swung its electrical tail and Link blocked with his shield. His metal shield. You can guess how that worked out.

Kotake fired a beam of ice, killing the first Dragonfly. She continued this until just one was left. However, every time she fired a beam it just dodged it. "Why won't you get hit?"

It hissed a few times, some drool falling from its mouth.

"Really? Your whole family?"

It made some clicking noises and its neck twitched.

"You're right, that is a funny story!"

It jabbed Link again and screeched into the sky.

"I think I'm beginning to bond with this bug."

Link turned into his Deku form and shot it down with a bubble. The Dragonfly fell to the ground and slowly died.

"Bonds don't last anyway."

A treasure chest appeared with the defeat of the Dragonflies. Link hobbled over and pushed it open, jumping up and pulling himself inside. "Ta-da!" He turned to show them what he was holding, but the chest closed. "Someone open this thing!"

"It's not a thing, it's a chest," Ganondorf corrected. "A treasure chest to be more exact."

"But what if there's no treasure inside?" Koume asked.

"Then, my dear Koume, it is garbage and must be burnt accordingly. Feel free to burn it."

"All right!"

"Open it first, OPEN IT FIRST!" Tatl freed Link from his prison. He jumped out, gasping for air and wiping sweat off of his brow. "I thought I was going to die!"

"What's that blue thing?" Tatl asked, ignoring him.

"This is a compass!" Link exclaimed, holding the compass high into the air. "Now we know what direction things are in! But only in this temple."

"That sounds awful," Ganondorf growled. "Why would someone make something like that so guarded?"

"Ah, but you don't get the uses of this compass," Link said, holding it up to him. Ganondorf took it. "Look at it!"

"I'm looking."

"And...?"

"And what?"

"Keep looking..."

"All it's telling me is that I'm facing southeast."

"Exactly!" Link jumped up, taking the compass back. "Now you get it!"

"Tell me what you're talking about or I'm going to kill you."

-The previous room, upper level-

Koume burnt a large spider web that was in their way, allowing access to the top floor... which was as dark as Ganondorf's ass hair. "Be careful," Koume quietly warned. "I smell more balls."

Two yellow eyes appeared in the long dark hallway, watching them walk. And then as quickly as they came they were gone. Oh, they're back, never mind. It just blinked.

Another set of eyes came, and then another and another until an entire swarm of the creatures was hiding from our heroes, forty nine eyes looking at them.

"This is the perfect environment for Boes to live in," Tatl said.

"What's a Boe?" Link asked her.

"I was getting there. Boes are little black or white things. They may look like a ball of fluff with two bright yellow eyes but underneath the fur they have six legs, a tail, and pincers. It's kind of freaky to look at. They live in damp, dark places where they can blend in and swarm their prey, attacking in really big packs."

At the end of the hallway was an equally dark room that was faintly illuminated by a small torch in the middle. A locked door sat to the side.

"Ow!" Ganondorf swung his foot around, throwing the Boe that was gnawing on it off while also roundhouse kicking Tatl out of the air. The Boe bounced but was back up, all of the others joining it.

"Okay, don't panic! There's just a lot of them," Tatl announced as she shot a quick glare at Ganondorf. "Do your thing and you'll be fine."

All of the Black Boes attacked at once, scurrying at our heroes. Koume and Kotake took to the air but the creatures jumped up, tackling them off of their brooms with a surprising amount of force. Link backed up while swinging his sword wildly, the Boes staying a careful distance from him as they gradually surrounded him.

"Back to the hallway or they'll surround us," Ganondorf roared as he blasted a hole through the Boe ranks with a ball of dark magic. Link instantly turned and ran, smashing into a wall.

"Where's the hallway?!"

"Left!"

He turned and found himself in the narrow hall again. "Oh. Yay!"

Koume managed to throw the Boes off of herself, giving time to shoot a ray of flames, briefly lighting the room. It was full of black fluffs. "Kotake!"

"Yes Koume?"

"Let's do it!"

"Do what?"

"Our fusion thingy!"

"The Twinrova one?"

"No, the Jar Jar Binks one. Of course the Twinrova one!"

"Right! Where are you?"

"I'm where the fire came from!"

"Right! I'm kind of covered by them so I didn't see that."

"Never mind."

Ganondorf and Koume ran back to Link's position, leaving Kotake for now. Koume swung her arm, creating a wall of flames between them and the Boes. Link and Ganondorf jerked their heads at her, staring blankly. "We need a strategy," she said.

Ganondorf frowned. "How about you do _that_..." He gestured toward the wall of fire. "...out _there_." He pointed at the Boes.

She waved off the idea. "That would take up too much energy. Link's turn."

"Huh? Oh, um... Tatl, your turn!"

"Just run in and stab them all, they have the defences of a leper grasshopper!"

The fire died down enough for one of the Boes to jump over it and latch onto Link's face, clawing at his eyes. Ganondorf saved him by whipping around and punching the Boe with all of his strength, splattering it on the now comatose Link.

The Gerudo King charged into the Boes, stepping on a few with each step. He fired a blast of dark magic and then followed up by grabbing several Boes and crushing them one by one. By now at least half of them had been killed.

After accidentally pulling Kotake out of a pile of Boes she too began to kill more of them, the three Gerudo gradually reducing their numbers. Tatl had even taken a bunch out by stealing one of Link's Deku sticks and setting it ablaze, setting a random Boe on fire. It ran around and set even more on fire by contact.

When Link awoke the four of them were standing in the middle of a now well lit room, the torches around the perimeter active and Kotake grabbing a new stray fairy. "Seven down, eight to go!" Kotake cackled, holding up her half full bag and adding another fairy to it.

-A few rooms later-

The group arrived back in the wooden flower room, this time on the upper floor across from the original entrance point. They looked right and there was a stray fairy. It was just floating in the open. "These guys really can't hide that well," Tatl said as Kotake grabbed this one too. "Yes yes, eight down, seven to go."

Link began to wander again, soon seeing a huge switch before him. "To step or not to step. What do you think, Koume?"

"I think we should leave the temple and head back to the Deku Palace. We should then lay a trail of beans and lure the Deku King into the temple and through the path we just took, getting him to step on the switch."

"That sounds like a good-"

She pushed him, forcing him to activate the switch. Two ladders materialized before them, making an easy way to get from the lower level to the current one. "We have a good view of the flower shrine from up here," Tatl commented, hovering over to the mentioned shrine. She was suddenly attacked by many moths around the flame between them and the flower, forcing a retreat.

The only door they could go through from up there went back into the room where Ganondorf had found the key. However, there was a door hidden on the top floor which Link could enter. And enter he did, followed by Koume and Tatl. The door quickly closed before the other two Gerudo could get in, trapping them outside. "Whatever, let's go find some fairies."

Inside the room was the largest room without any water or pits so far. There were more roots bursting through the floor and ceiling, spreading further below. "This place looks like a battleground," Tatl warned. "Something's in here, I know it."

A large lizard dropped from the roof, wielding a wicked scimitar and protected by thin armour. It walked on two legs and stood a good fifty centimetres above Link. "Hey, it's a Dinofol!" Link nodded a few times. "I fought a good amount of these before. They weren't too hard if you just don't get stabbed. If they do that then you're in trouble."

"No, really?" Tatl mocked.

The Dinofol screeched at them, opening its mouth wide and breathing an intense jet of fire, its range covering almost half of the room.

Link stared, his eyes wide. He squeaked, "They couldn't do that before."

The lizard jogged at Link and took a predictable swing. Link blocked it with his shield and retaliated, but the surprisingly agile Dinofol quickly leaped over his head, landing behind Link. Before it could attack again Koume repeatedly rammed her broom into its head, mildly agitating it. As Link took the opportunity to get some distance between them it swatted her away, turning back to the armed child. "Tatl, your opinion?"

"You said you've fought them already! Why do you need my opinion on this?"

"It has fire..."

"Well just fight it like before and get back when it's going to shoot fire at you. Duh!"

It went at Link again, attacking with its weapon. Luckily for Link this was the area he excelled in and he could fend it off for now, despite his inability to land a hit. Koume tried to help but being a fire witch there wasn't much that could be done to a fire breathing reptile.

Link broke through its guard for an instant and dealt a deep slash to the Dinofol's abdomen. It shot a dirty look at him and then opened its mouth, unleashing a torrent of flames. Link held up his shield but was only able to protect his chest and head; he could feel his legs getting scorched. Perhaps...

"Look, it's a flammable dancing man!" The Dinofol quickly turned its back to Link, its spiked tail swinging around and slashing him across the face. "Oh... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Thanks to the Dinofol's extremely sensitive hearing its brain exploded from the noise created by Link's scream. Well, that would have been the preferred ending. Instead it was rather angry at Link's lie and blasted him with a point blank blast of fire. His cloths were now aflame, but luckily for him there was a puddle of water at the base of one of the roots in the room. Link ran over to it and lunged into the liquid, rolling around to put the fire out.

His rolling had the unfortunately side effect of him rolling into the root, setting it on fire as well. The flames spread rapidly, quickly scattering throughout the root system. Part of the roof weakened and broke off, falling on top of the Dinofol and crushing it instantly.

Link stood up, his clothing burnt but aside from that he was mostly unharmed. "Problem sovled!"

On the roof of the temple, the sacred Deku tree was completely engulfed in flames. Kae Gae watched this from a distance. The tree suddenly cracked and broke off, falling into the water. "They're not going to like that."


	10. Enemies vs Enemy

**Enemies vs. Enemy**

Link held his new Hero's Bow high above his head as he left the damaged room. "Behold!" Ganondorf and Kotake weren't there. "Oh come on! I got my arm up for nothing."

"Link, shoot that eye over there," Tatl said. "It's a switch, it should do something."

Link grumbled to himself as he armed the bow and pulled back an arrow, firing at the switch. It completely missed. "I haven't used it in almost a year, don't laugh at me!"

"I'm not laughing at that," Tatl said, a straight expression on her face. "I completely understand that it's normal that it would take you a minute to get back into using the bow. What I'm going to laugh at is that that was your only arrow." She burst into laughter. "Ha, you're screwed!"

After sending Koume to get the arrow over a dozen times Tatl got fed up with Link and shot the arrow herself, hitting the target dead centre. This activated a rising Deku flower that let Link cross the gap and enter the room opposite of the one they had just fought in. The instant that he was inside he was kicked off of his feet by a giant frog.

The Gekko held its stomach as it pointed and laughed at Link. "Dude, you just got kicked by a frog," Tatl told him. "Are you really going to let it make fun of you like that? It's a giant frog."

Link jumped up and slashed with his sword. The Gekko wasn't fast enough to dodge and took the hit. It screamed in pain and hopped away from him. "Well this guy isn't too tough."

The Gekko cupped its mouth and loudly called into the air. Almost instantly a Snapper burst from the ground, rearing up on its back legs and slamming down, cracking the stone floor. The Gekko hopped on its back and the duo charged at Link. He sidestepped and it crashed into the wall, stunned from the impact. Link took out his Bomb mask and detonated it just before the Snapper hit him, sending the duo flying in opposite directions. However, he didn't put up his shield and so he was in pain. "Ow... I'm stupid."

"Now isn't the time for life changing revelations," Tatl hastily told him, slapping Link across the face a few times. "It's on the roof and unless I'm mistaken it's preparing to throw some feces at you, so shoot it down!"

Link took out his bow and pointed his one arrow at the ceiling-Gekko. "If only these arrows were on fire..."

Koume set the arrowhead on fire.

"Thanks!" He released the arrow and it flew through the air, exploding right between the Gekko's eyes. It fell to the ground, defeated, and shrank into a normal frog.

"Ribbit."

The door on the other side of the room opened.

Tatl nodded slowly. "Ah, logic."

Inside the new room was a fancy blue and gold treasure chest. Within that was a key that was larger than Link's head and heavier than all of his equipment. "Ganondorf can carry this," he grunted.

"Hey, look!" Link and Tatl turned to see Koume riding on top of the Gekko's Snapper. "I've named him Snapper!"

-1 pm of the Second Day, Woodfall Temple Shrine Room-

"Ten down, five to go! Where'd the turtle come from?"

"His name is Snapper!"

Tatl told Kotake to ignore her. It was at this point that she noticed all the moths had burned to death in a fire and she could fly over to the wooden flower without being harassed. She saw an unlit torch in the middle. "The ashes are still fresh."

"EH HEHEHEHEHE!" Koume shot her hand forward and the torch, with Tatl still beside it, was bombarded by a rain of fire, setting the whole structure aflame. The fiery shrine began to spin and rose up to their floor.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Tatl screamed. "That could have killed me!"

"_Could _have. Also, the water is clean now. It must have been purified by the spinning wooden thingy. Still smells like shit though."

Meanwhile, Link had given Ganondorf the Big Key. "You can't carry this thing?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at Link's weakness.

"No, it's too heavy for my little arms. Before I only had to carry big things when I was an adult," Link told him. "Pretend I never said that."

"When these three days are up there's going to be a very big and extremely painful questioning session."

-1:31 pm of the Second Day, The Boss Door room-

"Okay, so we need to get over there," Link said as he pointed across the gauntlet of Deku flowers, fire, and Dragonflies. "Anyone want to fly me over there?"

"No."

"Nope."

"No. I'll be collecting fairies!"

"Does it look like I'm big enough?"

It was then that Kotake saw another fairy flying aimlessly around the room. She took off toward it, snatching it out of the air. "Eleven down, four to go!" From her new position she saw another and then grabbed it as well. "Twelve down, three to go!" At that instant a third was seen and also acquired. "Thirteen down, two to go!"

"Moving on," Tatl muttered, "find a way across the room."

Link used a Deku flower to go around the edge of the room, landing on a platform near the roof of the huge, water filled room. The boss door wasn't very far away, if only there was another flower between them... Oh, there was one; it was just surrounded by fire. He shot a switch to turn off the fire and then used the new flower to fly to the boss door. "That was needlessly complicated," Ganondorf analyzed.

"Kotake!" Koume saw Kotake flying around chasing the last fairy. It was much quicker than the others. "You've got to be joking..." She flew after the fairy as well, but it was too fast for both of them.

"Let's just move on without them," Ganondorf suggested. "It'll help in the long run."

-The Boss Room-

The door slammed shut behind Link, Tatl, and Ganondorf. The room that they now stood in was enormous, going so high up that the roof was shrouded in black. A yellow Deku flower was in the middle and many torches lit the perimeter of the room. Both the walls and the floor were covered with intricate designs. "How is this place possible in such a small temple?" Ganondorf questioned as he tried to see how tall the room was.

A booming laughter filled the air, echoing off of the walls. "Soooooo, having fun in the temple?" it asked mockingly.

"Not particularly," Link answered. "It smells bad."

There was a brief silence. "Dammit, I got nothing! Never mind the mental torture, you're obviously too smart for that." A twelve foot tall warrior dropped from the darkness, his body covered with blue and yellow designs and his face masked by... well, a mask. Ganondorf first took notice of the sword in his hand, the sword that was even larger than the warrior himself and then a shield that could cover his whole body in his other hand.

**Odolwa  
**_Masked Jungle Warrior  
_Likes: Unnaturally large insects  
Dislikes: The letter T  
Distinguishing Characteristic: Has five nipples

"Prepare for the wrath of the mighty Odolwa!" Odolwa attacked, throwing a blow which Link blocked with his shield. This had the unfortunate side effect of sending him flying onto his back, but before Odolwa could strike again Ganondorf came into the fight. He blasted a ball of dark magic at the warrior only to have it harmlessly burst against his massive shield. "You thought that _you_ could hurt _me?_ That's hilarious!"

The fight turned to Ganondorf, giving Link some time to recover. The hero rolled onto his back and cracked his elbow, flinching. "Ow..."

Tatl smacked him. "Get up you wimp! This is the first big battle and you're just sitting on your ass?!"

"I was just-"

"Did I ask for you to talk? No? Damn right! Now go do something!"

While this happened Ganondorf was battling the boss, dodging his sword strikes and countering with his own magical attacks. So far neither had landed a hit, but that changed when Ganondorf pulled out his sword and blocked Odolwa's stab, deflecting it to the ground and rushing through the air at the warrior's head. He was forced to abort when an arrow nearly went through his skull.

"Sorry!" Link yelled. "My bad!"

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" Ganondorf twisted around a slash but unfortunately for him Odolwa was aware of his no longer hidden weapon, making a new plan necessary. He dropped to the ground and slid through the warrior's legs, slashing at his back. Odolwa was faster however, and he sprung into the air, disappearing in the darkness.

"Where'd he go?" Tatl asked as the room went quiet. Link and Ganondorf looked up, waiting for him to fall again. A shape became visible and it crashed to the ground between them. It was a giant beetle, almost as large as Link. More beetles began to plummet into the room, filling it with over a dozen insects.

Odolwa followed, falling right behind Ganondorf and bashing the Gerudo King in the back with his shield before following up with a vicious slash. It tore through his armour and left a bloody gash on his back.

Link, meanwhile, found himself being surrounded by beetles. "Link," Tatl began, "if you die here I'm going to tell everyone I know that you were killed by beetles."

"Could you tell them that they were on fire? It makes it sound like I died in an awesome way."

"No. In fact, I'll say that they all had no legs and you still lost."

The first beetle ran forward, blindly charging at Link. He quickly sidestepped and watched as the beetle continued running until it crashed into the wall, the impact killing it. He and Tatl stared silently. Another two beetles, these ones actually capable of stopping, attacked Link next. He slashed at one and blocked the other with his shield, watching the one that wasn't blocked step back, avoiding getting skewered. The other beetle turned to bite his sword, yanking on it. Link dropped his shield and grabbed the blade with both hands, starting a battle of strengths with the insect. It was kind of sad.

Ganondorf was still fighting Odolwa while Link struggled with the bugs. They were engaged in a sword fight and despite Odolwa having an advantage in size he was holding out quite well. "Stop being good at this and let me kill you!" Ganondorf growled. "It'll make my job much easier!"

"Realizing that I'm too much for you?" Odolwa mocked, doing a random spin in between blocking Ganon's attacking and his own counter.

"That was weird. Don't do it again."

"Or what?" Odolwa deflected Ganondorf's attack and began to spin as fast as he could, getting faster and faster. The only problem with this was that he was holding his sword out during the spins. This was difficult to block, and Ganondorf was hit several times. When the warrior finally stopped spinning Ganondorf was covered in many small cuts. "How'd you like that?"

"You die now." Ganondorf blasted energy at him, an attack that Odolwa easily shielded.

"You're so pathetic!" He lowered his shield only to see Ganondorf hovering at face level, his sword drawn back and ready to strike. "Well I suppose that-" The dark king lashed out.

Let's move away from the intense climax and into something much more pitiful. Link had his foot between the beetle's eyes as he pulled on his imprisoned sword. All of the other beetles had lost interest by this point and were crowding around a random flower at the arena's edge. Link unexpectedly jerked forward and speared the beetle on the blade, the insect dying after a few moments. He wiped the flat of the sword on its shell, wincing as the sticky goo left a trail between the metal and the carapace. "That worked out," Tatl commented as she floated to his side.

"Yeah, slipping on my owl drool really worked out! Now let's go fight Odolwa with Ganondorf!"

Ganondorf was engaged in another sword fight when Link fired another arrow. The arrowhead sunk into the warrior's shoulder, blood splashing out of the light wound. Odolwa hissed and jumped up into the darkness. "I'll be back momentarily!" Odolwa announced. "In the meantime, bask in the tense atmosphere that I have created! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

"First things first: don't aim for the face," Ganondorf said as he looked into the air, waiting for Odolwa to fall. "I stabbed that mask and it chipped my sword."

Odolwa came down to them again with a bandage where the wound had been. "That was very close to being a fatal wound. You're quite the shooter!"

Tatl sighed, saying nothing.

"But now the battle is mine! BEHOLD!" From above came moths. Thousands and thousands of moths. And they swarmed the two, enveloping them as Odolwa maniacally laughed, waiting for their deaths. Ganondorf pushed his way out of the swarm, flicking on off of his shoulder. "What?! This is unbelievable! How are you doing this?!"

"It's a bunch of moths. It's pathetic."

Odolwa's shoulders drooped. "But... but... it was my big attack."

"There there," Tatl consoled, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "You did your best."

"No I didn't. _This_ is my best!" Odolwa threw up his arms and began to chant, bouncing up and down a bit. By this point Link had killed the moth cloud with his Bomb Mask and was watching. Suddenly a ring of fire burst from nowhere, immediately surrounding the two. "The moment you fly up, you're mine!"

Link shot an arrow through the blaze, though he quickly dodged it. The arrow flew by him, impaling one of the beetles that were near the flower. It scurried around in panic for a moment before hitting the plant and exploding.

"VINCENT! You bastard, he was my favourite!" Odolwa began to spin again, going through the fire and relentlessly slamming his blade against Link's shield.

_"I thought I was his favourite..."_

_"Nah, he's just confused. Everyone knows that Picasso's his fav. I'm Picasso by the way."_

_"Don't say 'fav'. Ever again."_

Ganondorf leaped over the flames, picking up one of the explosive plants and hurling it at the warrior. It crashed into his back and violently exploded, stunning him. Well, stunning and severely injuring. The lapse in concentration caused his fire to waver and fall, freeing Link. "Freedom!" He ran six feet to the left and began to hug a wall. "I always took advantage of solid, soft walls up until now, but no longer! From here on, I will show my appreciation to any walls that aren't made of fire!"

The warrior kicked him off of the wall, towering above the tiny kid. "Vengeance shall be mine, and at this point there is nothing you can do about it! Don't even try to resist death, for it won't work and it will just annoy me. No matter what you do, there is nothing you can do! I am going to kill you and you are going to die right no-"

"Shut up and kill him already!" Ganondorf yelled from across the room.

"I'm getting there, be more patient!" Tatl crashed into Odolwa's head repeatedly. "Stop that. Seriously, stop, that's annoying! Hey! This is making me slightly angry! I'm not kidding, you're being annoying! Why won't you stop being annoying?"

Link saw Odolwa stepping backwards, his foot placed right beside one of the explosive flowers that were against the wall. He narrowed his eyes, thoughts rolling through his head. Odolwa had been seriously hurt by the explosion. He was standing beside something that could explode. If he were to hit it with something it would detonate. So... if he hit the flower it would cause pain! But how would he hit it? That would require something hard, maybe sharp. Did he have anything sharp? He may, but if he didn't that would be bad. His sword was sharp, maybe that would work. He could always stab the bomb flower, hopefully hurting Odolwa in the process. But if that happened he would be right beside the explosion. That would hurt. Maybe-

"LINK!"

"Right!" He pulled out his bow and shot the bomb flower. The arrow stuck in the plant which released a red light for a moment before going off.

Odolwa screamed as his leg was blown off from the knee down. He didn't even try to stay up, falling onto his side. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! You dick, you blew my leg off!"

"You started it," Tatl lazily argued, shrugging.

"So what? You blew my leg off!"

"You slashed open my back," Ganondorf added.

"That was all in good fun, you just crippled me! I'm injured, hurt even! My leg is gone, it is no longer with me, it's doing the impossible and being in eighteen places at once! Gone, lost, departed, in its eternal resting places! I'll see that it's off of me everywhere I go because it'll be everywhere since you blew it up! It's dead, lifeless, inert! You're a murderer."

"We get it," Tatl quickly said, eager to interrupt his rant. "As productive as this is we should get going."

"But I'll bleed to death! You can't leave a poor, helpless jungle warrior lying in a moss covered room after crippling him. It's not nice."

"Okay, we'll just finish you off." Ganondorf began to approach him, hoisting his sword over his shoulder.

"Nah, I'm fine here. I've got a magazine." He pulled a small book out of nowhere and leaned against the wall, opening it. "I suppose you want me to release the Giant I had," the warrior said as he searched for an interesting article.

"The wha?"

"The Giant. One of the four guardian deities of Termina. You know, the only thing that justifies fighting me over, the one the mask made me to guard." He had found something appealing by now and had stopped flipping through the magazine. "Did you know that Termina was ranked number three on 'Best Places to Live'?"

"Wait, hold on a moment," Tatl said, flying over to the masked giant. "You were created by a mask..." Odolwa nodded. "...to guard a guardian..." Odolwa nodded. "...and placed in the south." Odolwa nodded. "And there's another guard in every other cardinal direction."

"I'll just save my neck the time and say that everything's a yes."

"So where's the Deku Princess?" Link asked him.

"What Deku Princess?"

"The one that was kidnapped by a monster and kept in the temple, a monster that we assumed was you," Tatl explained to him.

"Why would I kidnap a princess? Do I sound like someone who would waste time doing that? One second." His mask began to glow a bright white, exploding in a flash of light. The mask reformed in Link's hand along with a portal on the Deku flower in the middle. He looked up to see Odolwa finish putting on an identical mask. "I keep spares just in case. Now there's the Giant for ya. I'll go find that princess for you once I finish reading this, meet me outside in a bit."


	11. Deku Hospitality

_And now that those painful weeks of non-stop work are over, here's this!_

_Published March 14, 2010_

**Deku Hospitality**

Instead of simply going back to the temple's entrance like all of the other portals that Link had entered in the past, this one went to somewhere new. He found himself in a strange, infinitely large room atop a white pillar. The place was full of fog and bubbles larger than the Hylian, and coming from the sky were many endlessly tall waterfalls. "Tatl, is this the Great Bay that I heard so much about?"

"Not as far as I know." Tatl cautiously floated forward but was hit by a rising bubble, getting caught on top and being pushed higher and higher into the air.

"I don't like this place," Ganondorf growled. "Those bubbles smell like soap."

A loud groan echoed through Link's ears. He turned and saw something immense silhouetted behind one of the waterfalls. And by massive, I mean larger than the Clock Tower. After a few seconds it began to roar into the air in a melody, crying six notes over and over. "It sounds like a song," Link said to Tatl as she flew back down to him.

"Well then get out your thingy," she snapped. He pulled out his ocarina and waited for it to cry the song again. "Well? Play it!"

"I have no idea what to play."

She sighed. "It's something like doo doo doo doo doo doo."

"Shut up, you're tone deaf," Ganondorf ordered. "It's DOO duh da, duh DOO DA! Play it now." The giant cried the song again. "Stop that, we're working on it!"

"I really think it's more of a doo doo da doo doo da," Tatl argued. "And I'm not tone deaf!"

"Yes you are, shut up. Kid, play the song already! The air here is hurting my eyes. It's all soapy."

Link played it the best he could. "Happy?" Link learned the Oath to Order!

The giant began to cry something else, but this one wasn't a song. "Fairy, what's it doing?"

"It's saying something," Tatl explained. "Ca...ll... us... Call us."

Ganondorf listened to the giant's moaning for a moment. "Please explain to me how you managed to translate that."

"It's rather simple, I-" They were engulfed in a flash of light. Everything went black and the three suddenly found themselves at the Woodfall Temple's wooden shrine.

"I'm the dark wizard here, the one who uses magic," Ganondorf began, "the one from the tribe of all women who give birth to a man every hundred years, and the one who wanted to steal a mystical triangle that can grant any wish imaginable. And this place makes no sense to even me! Someone explain what just happened, right now!"

From the ceiling came Odolwa, who was somehow perfectly healed. "I found your princess," he said.

Tatl looked down at his legs. "Didn't we blow one of those off?"

"I got better. Now follow me." He began to walk off in a random direction.

As they walked, Tatl began to talk about what had just happened. "The four that Tael talked about, do you think he was talking about the spirit sealed in that mask?"

"I only saw one of those," Ganondorf stated.

"Yes, but there's a temple in every cardinal direction," Tatl continued. "If we assume that there's a monster in each one with a mask, then we can assume that there's three more!"

Odolwa stopped walk and faced them. "Or you could ask me," the jungle warrior suggested.

They stared at him. He was silent. "Well?"

"You didn't ask me yet." Ganondorf stabbed him in the foot. "GAH! What the hell?!" Ganondorf pulled his sword back for another stab. "Fine, fine, there's a monster in every temple with another one of Termina's guardians. There's Goht, Gyorg, and some other guy who I can't remember. Goht's awesome, you'll like-"

"I don't care," Tatl interrupted. "The important thing is that we have to go save the other three."

"You should care."

"No I shouldn't."

"Bitch."

"Five-nipples."

"That was uncalled for."

"We're here," Link said as he pointed at a vine wall which seemed to have the Deku Princess hidden behind it.

"You!" she yelled in a high pitch voice while pointing at Odolwa. "Why didn't you let me out?!"

"Because I don't care about you," the jungle warrior said. "These guys do though, so they'll let you out, right?"

Ganondorf shrugged. "Sure."

Link pulled out his sword and slashed at the top and bottom of the vines, pulling them aside. "Thank you."

"Okay, we've fulfilled our promise to that monkey," Tatl said.

"Monkey?" the Deku Princess repeated. "The monkey sent you to get me?"

"Yup," Link confirmed. "He's being dipped in boiling water by your dad as we speak. I wonder if he's still alive..."

The Deku Princess gasped. "We must get back to the castle immediately! I need to stop that fool!"

Link and Tatl nodded. "Yeah," the fairy agreed. "Let's go everyone!"

Ganondorf scowled. "I don't care much for what's going on right now. Do I have to go?"

"You could come or you can go look for your mothers."

"To the Deku Palace!"

-8: 30 pm of the Second Day, Deku Palace Throne Room-

Link, Tatl, Ganondorf, Odolwa, and the Deku Princess all burst through the wall, the debris flying everywhere and hitting several Deku Scrubs. "Stop this!" the princess yelled.

"Yeah, stop this now!" Odolwa repeated.

"Exactly! Stop this right now!" Link also repeated.

Ganondorf grinned. Tatl glared at him. "Indeed! Stop all this right now!" he roared.

The Deku King stared in shock. "Princess! You're safe!"

She ran up to him. "Yes father, and I've come to tell you to stop dipping that monkey this instant!" Link looked to see the monkey suspended by the ankles above a pot of water that could probably fit Gohma inside. Actually, she probably bathed in it.

"B-but didn't he kidnap you?"

"Yes, and we have to kill him before it's too late!"

"Huh?"

Suddenly the monkey burst into laughter, laughter so maniacal that the moon itself cringed. "Oh very good job princess, I didn't think that you would actually escape. You have my congratulations, but I'm afraid it's time for this charade to end." The monkey disappeared from his binds and was suddenly before the Deku royalty.

"Wait, I thought the monkey was a good guy," Tatl said.

"Oh I thought you would think that," the monkey sneered. "I sent you to the temple to get killed by the big guy over there so that you would not get in my way when I attempt to take over Termina. I had hidden the Deku Princess somewhere in the temple that no one would ever find so I thought that I didn't have to worry about you coming back." He laughed again. "But no matter, I can merely take over this region with violence."

"Wait, so why did you kidnap the Deku Princess?"

"Leverage against her father of course!"

"And why did you let yourself get caught and dunked into boiling water over and over?" Ganondorf lazily inquired.

The monkey laughed, apparently finding this amusing. "Who would ever suspect a poor, weak little monkey who was caught in seconds of trying to take over the world? No one I say, not a single one! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to amass an army. Cheerio!" The monkey simply vanished.

"He got away!" the Deku Princess yelled. "Guards, search the perimeter, he couldn't have gotten far. Kill on sight!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"No problem!"

"Sure."

All of the guards immediately rushed out of the royal chamber. Link turned to Ganondorf. "So the monkey was a magical mastermind trying to take over the world?"

"Of course."

Tatl sighed. "I'll never trust a talking animal again."

After the Deku Princess and King had calmed everyone in the palace down they turned to our group of misfit heroes. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that," the princess said. "Do you think that you could keep an eye out for that monkey on your journey?"

Tatl thought about how they were going to be heading back in time soon. "I have a feeling we'll know where he is."

As they talked, Gohma dropped from the ceiling. "Did I miss anything?"

"Yup," Ganondorf said. "Monkey was an evil mastermind who was going to take over the world. He got away."

"Oh. By the way, are these yours?" She pulled Koume and Kotake out of nowhere. "They came to me yelling something about fairies, and since I was trying to sleep I just beat the shit out of them and went back to sleep. I hope that's okay with you, Mr. Great King of Evil."

"Yes it is, but why did you just call me that?"

"No reason."

The Deku Princess approached Link. "Link, our butler has taken quite a liking to you."

Link blushed at this. "Aw, well, I'm just a likeable person."

"He's prepared a gift for you and has it in the shrine on the side of the palace. He wants you to go get it before you leave."

-9 pm of the Second Day, outside the Deku Palace-

"So," Gohma began, "there are four giant things that you have to save from the temples around Termina before an ancient mask causes the moon to crash down and exterminate all life within a large area in thirty-three hours? And you only have one?"

"That just about sums it up," Tatl said.

"Why does the Skull Kid you guys talked about want to do this?" Odolwa asked the fairy.

"I'm not sure, but as long as we stop it I don't care."

Gohma looked up at the moon, thinking for a moment. "Wouldn't the moon getting closer and closer completely fuck up the world's tidal system, killing millions of people?"

"Yup," Ganondorf confirmed.

"Then how come we haven't heard about any of this yet?"

"I can explain that!" Kotake exclaimed. "It's only been happening for two days! Isn't that right, Koume?"

"YES. YES IT IS!"

"I'm gonna go get my gift while you guys talk," Link said.

"Knock yourself out," Tatl said.

"Why would I do that?"

"It would amuse me."

-9:10 pm of the Second Day, Deku Shrine-

The butler gave Link a light bow. "Hello Link. I am truly thankful for what you have done. As a sign of our gratitude, we have prepared something that we think may assist you. I will lead you to it." He opened up his umbrella and rose into the air. "Please follow me, but don't fall too far behind. The tunnels can be dark and dangerous, so stay close to me."

"No problem."

-Minutes later-

"I HATE YOU!" Link roared as he slid under a closing stone door. So far in his pursuit of the Deku butler through this maze he had jumped across pillars over a pit, hopped across water, run up near vertical staircases, dodged rolling boulders (well, he dodged most of them), and nearly been set on fire. "Get back here so I can kill you!"

"Those are not nice things to say," the butler said as he curved around a corner. Link ran after him only to find the path splitting again. He managed to catch of glimpse of movement in the left passage, so he went that way... running into a Mad Scrub.

"Wrong way," the Scrub told him.

"Wow, really?!" Link randomly chose the middle passage, fortunately finding that it kept going. All of the wrong ways so far had been almost immediate dead ends. The butler slowed down a bit and let Link catch up. "Why are you making this so hard?"

"It is extremely hard to find ways to amuse myself with my profession. Now don't fall behind!" He sped up, flying through the corridors at high speeds.

"Why is my pain so funny to everyone?!"

-A few minutes later-

Link collapsed as the butler put his umbrella away. "Well done, Link."

"Where's my gift?"

"Ah yes." The butler pulled out a pig shaped mask. "This is the Mask of Scents. It's a treasured possession passed down in the Deku Royal Family. Just don't tell them that you have it."

"So... you had the gift with you all along, making this chase pointless."

"Yes. Here you go." Link put on the mask and cringed, gagging a few times before taking it off. "Yes, it smells horrible in here. No one has cleaned in many years."

"Duly noted."

"You know, you remind me of my son who left home long ago. He was special as well. It felt like I was racing my son there."

"So... you went unbelievably fast from nostagla?!"

"I think you mean nostalgia, but yes, I am sorry. I'm afraid I tried too hard to outrun you. As old as I am, I am still quite the speedy Deku. Please forgive my rudeness." He bowed to Link once more. "If you'd like I can lead you back to the entrance."

"I'd like that."

-10:30 pm of the Second Day, Deku Palace-

Link smiled as he walked toward the guest's sleeping quarters. "It's been so long since I slept!"

Odolwa ducked under a dip in the ceiling as he walked beside the kid. "When did you last sleep?"

"I think about a week ago."

"How are you still standing?! If I went a week without sleeping I- Wait, how the hell were you fighting me earlier without sleep?" Link responded with a shrug. He found the room which he was instructed to go to and opened the door with a huge smile on his face. It faded when he saw a bunch of wood blocks with lumps where the head would go. "Beautiful beds," Odolwa commented. "Look at the effort put into smoothening out the head rest. The craftsman deserves a round of applause."

Ganondorf poked his head in. "Guess who's here!"

"Ganondorf!"

"I meant with me."

"Tatl!"

"Guess again."

"Grandpa?"

"You don't get to guess anymore. It's Gohma."

Everyone's favourite arachnid (yes, even yours) smashed the door off of its hinges and walked into the room, her single yellow eye turning to Link. "Yo. So I've heard that you're on a new quest."

"Yup. I'm a hero again!"

"Of course you are."

"I have a question," Link said. "Are these beds what we have to sleep on?"

"No, of course not! Those uncomfortable pieces of wood are just being stored in here. There's actually some soft, bouncy beds being brought in here as we speak. In fact, I think they're just down the hall right now!" Link ran to the doorframe and looked out, glancing down the hall in both directions. "I'm just messing with ya. Of course you have to sleep on those bumpy pieces of crap. But enough of this, the reason I'm here is to tell you that I'm going with you."

"Why?" Odolwa questioned as he bounced on top of his wooden slab.

"It gets boring being a god and... Okay, the real reason is because my bath smells like dirty, wet monkey."

A pink stray fairy suddenly flew into the room and slipped underneath Odolwa's bed. Moments later Kotake graced them with her presence, frantically flying into the room on her broomstick. "Where's the fairy?" Odolwa pointed under his bed. She summoned a ball of ice and launched it at the wood, blowing it to pieces and sending both the warrior and the fairy soaring across the room. Their flight was stopped by the wall.

Kotake quickly grabbed the fairy by the legs and stuffed it in the sack. "Eh he he he! Thought you could get away, did you?"

Ganondorf raised his hand. "All in favour of dumping those at the fountain tomorrow?"

-9 am of the Third Day, Great Fairy's Fountain-

A shiver weaved its way through Link's body as he approached the glowing room before him. "Hey, Link," Gohma grunted. "Do the Termina Great Fairies look like the Hyrule ones?"

"Exactly like them."

"Oh lovely."

"They're not _that_ bad," Tatl argued. "You're just being overdramatic."

"What do these things look like?" Ganondorf suspiciously asked them.

"You'll see..."

Kotake released the stray fairies from her bag and all fifteen flew to what looked like four or so others. The many pink things combined together and in a flash of light a pink haired Great Fairy was before them. "I am the Great Fairy of Power!"

"What the fuck are you and why do you exist?" Ganondorf yelled, backing up slightly.

Link closed his eyes, imagining a happy place while Gohma muscled through the fear.

Kotake nudged Koume. "Look at that hideous nose!"

"It's so tiny," Koume whispered to her.

"I am the Great Fairy of Power, and I exist to watch these lands," the Great Fairy announced, not picking up the insults in Ganon's words. "Thank you for restoring my shattered body to normal."

"I wish it could have stayed in pieces," Gohma grunted.

"As thanks, I grant you prowess with this new sword technique: the super spin attack!" Link and Odolwa were engulfed in a flash of light.

"Yay! I now know something I already knew!" Odolwa cheered.

"Come visit me again whenever you're overcome by weariness."

As she disappeared the much larger group walked out of the fountain. Odolwa looked at Link and Gohma. "She was hot, eh?"

"WHAT?!" Link's eyes began to twitch and he screamed, running head first into a wall so hard that he was instantly knocked into the blissful sleep known as unconsciousness.

"ARE YOU MAD?!" Gohma just looked ready to kill him.

Odolwa observed the comatose Link, the same thought going both his and Ganondorf's minds. "I'm going to take Link back to her to get healed." Her face would be the first thing he saw upon awakening.


	12. Run like a Bunny

_Meant to put this up yesterday, oops._

_Published March 18, 2010_

**Run like a Bunny**

"This is my first time out of that swamp," Odolwa said as he looked around Termina field. The grass was blowing in a soft wind, the sun was shining brightly in the clear blue sky, and the music of nature filled their ears. "It's nothing special."

"What's over there?" Link pointed at a large wooden arch that stood just east of the path to the swamp. "Let's go!" No one was curious about it but because Link was somehow the leader of the group he got to control where they went.

-Milk Road-

"Might you be a fairy boy from the woods?" Tingle excitedly asked, looking at Link in awe.

"Well I am a boy, I'm from the woods, and have a fairy, so you could say that I'm a fairy boy," Link answered.

"Marvellous, simply marvellous! I'm Tingle and I believe I'm just like you!" He pointed at his Kokiri outfit, one that looked very strange on a grown man, no matter how short he was. "Alas, I'm thirty five and still no fairy has come to me."

Gohma snorted at this. "And how many of those years have you been trying?"

"Since I was a young lad Mr. Giant Spider Monster," Tingle answered. "My search has not yet yielded results but someday I just know I'll find a fairy!"

"Good luck with that," Ganondorf impatiently praised. "Let's go, this guy's only funny the first time."

"But would you like to buy a map of the area?" Tingle pulled a large scroll out of his back pocket and unrolled it. On the paper was a very detailed map of Milk Road and something called the Romani Ranch. "I'll give you a fairy boy discount: This map for just sixty rupees!"

"Sixty rupees?!" Gohma roared in indignation. "I could make the map myself for less than that!"

"You have a deal," Ganondorf said as he handed Tingle several red rupees. As he took the map and regarded Gohma's angered expression, he added, "It's not even my money."

"It was a pleasure doing business. Tingle, Tingle! Kooloo-Limpah!" He pulled out a large red balloon and blew it up, holding on as it somehow rose into the air.

"What a weird person," Odolwa commented.

"Yes," Ganondorf agreed. "Now let's never speak of him again."

After that incident they almost immediately came upon a muscular man wielding a pickaxe. He was sitting on a rock, wiping the sweat off of his forehead. Tatl looked at all the large pieces of rock around the area. "What happened here?"

"Some prankster thought it would be funny to block Milk Road with a huge boulder," the man explained. "I just finished breaking it to pieces."

"That sounds more like vandalism than a prank," Tatl said to him. "That's just my two cents though."

"What's a cent?"

"I don't know."

-Later, at the Romani Ranch-

The ground's shaking increased in intensity as the moon drew closer. It was less than a day from impact after all. "Not long left now," Ganondorf whispered in Link's ear. He chuckled ominously.

"This place is huge!" Odolwa said as he looked at the large field.

"Yes it is," Tatl said. "I'm not sure why we're here but we might as well wander around aimlessly."

"We're going to go wander around the barn," Ganondorf said. The king and his mothers then began to sneak toward the wooden building.

"I am going to..." Odolwa paused. "I don't know." He walked off.

Gohma looked over the remaining group. "How nostalgic. It's you, me, and a fairy," she said to Link.

"So what's it like to be a god?" Link asked as they walked toward the house in the middle of the field.

"Oh, nothing special. Idiots worship you, suck ups try to suck up to you and you end up taking advantage of them, and fanatics end up cutting off their own hand and presenting it to you as a gift."

"And they thought you'd like that?" Tatl asked.

"Yeah, I did tell them to do it after all. I still can't believe they actually listened. It really did something nice for my ego. Good times. So have you finally evolved beyond having wet paper for a brain?"

"I like to think of my brain as a wet pink thing instead of a wet white thing."

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

"Hey!" Tatl caught their attention. "Isn't that your horse?!" And sure enough, Epona was sitting inside a caged off stall, happily eating grass. She turned and saw Link and Gohma running at her, then went back to eating grass.

"Epona! So this is where you've been all this time!"

"Question," Gohma interjected. "Why's your horse locked up on this ranch?"

"Tatl?"

"I don't know. Skull Kid just got bitten by her, said 'Stupid horse, go away!' then snapped his fingers. She just disappeared. Where's the yelling ball thing?"

-Somewhere else-

Morpha was contently floating around in a large mass of water. "No worries, no idiots, no stupid land... I need to find something to do."

-Raaanch-

"Let's ask her," Link said, pointing as a red haired girl who was slouched over on a crate, staring into space with barely opened eyes. "Excuse me, how'd you get this horse?"

She turned to him. "You..."

"I'm Link."

"Link... green... Grasshoppers, mmmmm..."

"Oh, you like grasshoppers too? I like them, they're green, like me."

"Hi grasshopper... Green grasshopper... Green like grass."

"Yup, lots of things are green. That's why I can hide in lots of things and not get seen. That happened a lot in my forest."

"Forest... green leaves in forest... Grasshoppers eat leaves... Mmmmmm, grasshoppers."

"It's like watching a blind man talk with a parrot," Gohma commented. Tatl nodded.

"Hey!" In the distance Odolwa was calling to them. "I found something awesome, come quickly!" Gohma and Tatl easily pulled Link away from his brain dead conversation and ran over to Odolwa. When they reached him they found him holding a small, yellow chick in his hands. "Look, it's so cute!"

"That's it?" Gohma grunted. "That's boring. Link, go talk to that girl again. I'll watch in amusement."

"Where'd you find that?" Tatl asked the warrior as the other two left.

"Ganondorf just gave it to me and said to 'Keep it secret' and 'Keep it safe'. Then he ran back to the barn."

"We should probably return it."

"Aw, do we have to?"

"Yes."

It was easy to find out where the chick came from. After all, the house did have chickens and roosters sloppily painted on the side. "I don't think this is the proper environment for him to grow up in. I'm keeping him."

"Go inside."

Odolwa looked at small door and then at Tatl. "Really?"

"Crawl."

Odolwa crawled through the small door to find Grog, a youth with freakishly pale skin and a large, spiky Mohawk, sitting at the base of a tree with many more chicks running around the grass. "Is this yours?" Tatl asked him as Odolwa reluctantly held out the bird.

"Von Weinerschnitzl!" Odolwa put it down and it just wandered into a corner. "He disappeared around the time this green person flash froze me."

"Gee, I wonder who that was."

"It's good to have them all back together." Tatl looked over and saw Von Weinerschnitzl attacking another bird. "Hey, you guys are from town, right?"

"I am," Tatl answered.

"I heard from my gramps that the moon's gonna fall. With somethin' that big, it's sure to take this ranch down with it. Is it really coming down?"

Both of them looked up at the looming moon above them. "Yeah, it's going to be down in less than a day. It'll be a big explosion."

"Oh. Oh well, if it happens it happens. My only regret is that I won't get to see these guys in their prime as roosters."

"That's your _only_ regret?"

"That an' cuttin' down my apple tree the week before apple prices went through the roof. I coulda made thousands. And stealin' this weird rabbit thing from my dad." He put the Bunny Hood, a pair of rabbit ears, on his head. "It makes ya run real fast. If he'd had it that day then he wouldn't have been killed by that Cucco swarm. Ah well."

Tatl stroked her chin for a moment, staring at the small chicks. "I have an idea... LINK!"

The Hylian poked his head through the door. "Yeah?"

"Put on your Bremen Mask and dance around. Play your ocarina too."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

Link put the mask on, brought his ocarina to his lips, and began to march around. One by one the chicks lined up behind up, following his every step. After all ten got there the first chick exploded in a ball of smoke, turning into a full sized rooster. Link jumped, almost inhaling the ocarina. As soon as he stopped marching the rooster became a chick again and all the little yellow birds scattered. "What just happened?"

"Play!" Tatl punched Link. He quickly began to play again, taking several more minutes to round up the chicks again. One by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one they exploded into roosters until all ten were fully grown. They cawed into the air.

"Wow!" Grog exclaimed. "That made me so happy, it's just, seeing these guys with their crests and all lifts my spirit. I don't have any regrets no more. Here, have my dad's thingy."

Ganondorf nodded to himself from the entrance of the Cucco shack. "Nature at its finest." He chugged some stolen milk.

-Night of the Final Day, Milk Road-

Link finished his bottle of stolen milk and threw the glass to the ground. "Milk's even better when it's a gift!"

"No, you're just imagining things," Ganondorf told him. "Not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't you have, you know, tried to get to the next temple... since I get to kill you in just over twelve hours."

"Oh, no problem. I can just do this!" He pulled out his ocarina and played the Song of Time. Suddenly the area around them all distorted, tearing into a white void filled with clocks. And they were falling... And then it was over.

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Everyone that was not Link and Tatl weren't taking the sudden time travel lightly, though Ganondorf was the most vocal. He picked Link up by the collar and slammed him against the Clock tower. "Tell me what you just did and why the moon's so far away, NOW."

"We went back in time," Link choked out. "Now we don't have to worry about the moon falling!"

"Unlimited time," Tatl finished.

"That is fucking awesome," Gohma screamed, scaring many civilians. In fact, Gohma and Odolwa's presence alone was scaring many civilians. "Link, do you know all the kinds of incredible things we could do without any negative repercussions?! Watch!" She whipped around and grabbed a random man. He was thrown across town. "And then we can just go back, and no one cares!"

"We can't abuse time," Tatl warned her.

"And why not?" Odolwa argued. "If you were given a... Okay since I can't think of a good metaphor I'm going literal. If you were given a time machine and told that you could do anything and then go back to the start so that your actions had no negative effects, wouldn't you do it? Seriously, why _shouldn't_ we abuse time?"

Ganondorf began to think, though he didn't let go of Link as he did so. He thought for several minutes while Tatl argued with Gohma and Odolwa about the ethical dilemmas of time travel. "Kid," he finally said, "I said that at the end of the three days I'd get what I wanted. By the looks of things, those three days won't end for weeks, so I'm just going to take the ocarina now!" He lashed out in an attempt to grab the blue instrument from Link but found his arm in the vice grip of a giant pincer.

"You weren't planning to steal the instrument of ultimate power, were you?" Gohma asked innocently. "If you were, we'd have to viciously maul you here and now."

Ganondorf's eyes narrowed. "And how do you plan to do that?" he snarled, letting go of Link and gathering a ball of magic in the open hand.

A massive sword was at his throat, the owner standing behind him. "Surprise!"

"Stop fighting, children," Tatl snapped. "Ganondorf, you said you'd wait until the three days are over and the three days aren't over. In fact, they just started."

"Time travel wasn't part of our deal!"

"Well you should have factored that in."

"By that logic I should have also considered psychic penguins from the sun slowing time down!"

Link jumped to his feet. "So you know about the penguins too?! We can work together to stop their schemes!"

"Be quiet." Getting an ocarina that could not only give him access to the Sacred Realm but control time as well was too large of an opportunity to pass by. "I'll be waiting until these three days end," he told Link. "When that time comes, that instrument's mine."

"That was the deal!"

"Wonderful," Tatl sarcastically said. "Now let's restart this cycle. Gohma didn't exactly get us on the best terms with the town guard."

"Wait!" Odolwa walked to the yellow flower beside the Clock Tower.

"Hold it!" A business scrub flew from the sky and landed in the flower. "This is my private property, you can't go using it when I'm-"

The jungle warrior cocked back his fist and delivered a powerful punch to the scrub's face. "I hate these guys. _Now_ we can go."

_I just _had _to try to get the Mask of Scents before the Bunny Hood... That was hard to do._


	13. Mountain Smithies

_Wow, I've been playing Disgaea way too much. 80 hours in and still going. And yet, I'm going to have to go through another playthrough after this for all the optional stuff, my level's too low for most of them. Oh well, it'll be fun! And now for the next chapter, which is mostly a transitional chapter along with how I imagine Zubora and Gabora would act._

_Published April 5, 2010_

**Mountain Smithies**

"What did I do to deserve this?!" Link was trapped underneath the tongue of a Dodongo, inside its mouth. The only thing stopping it from closing down on him was the combined forces of Gohma and Odolwa who both held it open for him. He would have crawled out, but the tongue was pinning him and thanks to the saliva was difficult to grab.

"Let's not go there," Gohma grunted. "Can you cut that tongue at all?"

"I can't move!"

"Ganondorf, cut the tongue."

"No."

"Navi, cut the tongue."

"I'm Tatl!"

"I don't care. Just cut it!"

"Link, I thought you said this thing was great? She's an asshole."

"Yup, _and_ our best fighter."

Gohma nodded. "A magnificent combination."

Thanks to a physically impossible escape sequence, Link was free from the now deceased Dodongo's maw and Odolwa was drenched in saliva. "Yummy, this saliva tastes incredible."

Link stared up at the giant with loathing. "I'm glad someone's having fun..."

"So Link," Tatl said as she flew around his sticky head. "Have you learned to never jump off cliffs without looking?"

"Have I learned not to what?"

"You know, doing what you just did... which got you in that Dong's mouth?"

"Oh yeah, that. Good times."

"It's no use Tatl," Gohma told the wee fairy. "He'll never learn not to do something even if it ends with him in a dragon's mouth. And now that that's established, we can move on. Where's this Snowhead anyway?"

Tatl pointed at the high mountain peaks to the north. "It's that way, on top of Snowhead Mountain. It's the third highest mountain in Termina, the highest being Mountain Peak."

Odolwa snorted. "That's a horrible name."

"You're a horrible name," Tatl snapped back.

"Someone's defensive."

"My grandfather named that peak right before he died... while climbing it."

"Have mixed feelings on it?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?"

By this point in the conversation Ganondorf had grown impatient, his desire to move on overwhelming his amusement at the group's misfortunes. "As deep as your mountain problem may be, we need to keep going. We've been here for almost an hour."

The safest way to go through the mountains was a heavily travelled path which just so happened to lead straight to Snowhead. Unfortunately, it was covered in deep snow and thus was very difficult to move in. "Get off me." Link quickly climbed down from Ganondorf's shoulders.

"So why can't we just go to the beach next?" Odolwa groaned just before he tripped over a buried rock.

"Because Link ran this way off the bat, so we were closest," Tatl explained as she enjoyed the ease of flying. "I don't get the big deal about this, it's a pretty easy trip. Oh, right! You can't fly, can yaAHHHH!"

A blue Tektite jumped from a high ledge, falling onto her and crushing the fairy deep into the snow. "Oh, the irony," Odolwa sang.

After another few minutes of fighting through the conditions, the group was blocked by a wall of snowballs. "Why are there perfectly rolled snowballs in a wall?" Gohma growled. "Someone get rid of them."

Odolwa drew his sword and slashed at the balls. The blade cut part way through the snow before it became stuck. "I tried. Next!"

Link pulled out his Bomb Mask, placing it upon his face. "It looks like there's only one thing left to do."

"You do know that we have _regular_ bombs, right?" Gohma said as she held up a bomb bag.

"And fire," Koume added.

"Regular bombs are in the past; exploding masks are the future of bombs!"

"Yes, you're right. I can see the appeal of blowing your face up whenever something is in the way."

"Y-" The mask went off and Link dropped like a cannonball.

"Premature detonation?"

Odolwa commented, "I bet you're really familiar with _premature detonations_." Gohma smashed his face into the snow.

"I'll just... go and... find some bombs... in... this... bag... Where the hell are the bombs?" Gohma glared at Ganondorf.

"What reason could you possibly have for blaming this on me?"

"A hunch..."

"Hey!" Link drew in their attention. "My arrows are gone too! And my rupees!"

"I probably should have told you about this earlier."

Link froze. "That voice... My dazed mind is telling me that it's familiar!"

Kae Gae just decided to not talk to him for once. "There are certain objects which cannot travel through a hole in time. Objects with numeric value like arrows, rupees, bombs, sticks, nuts, papers, bottle contents, and whatnot will not follow you."

"Why do things like masks and bows follow us?" Tatl asked the great owl.

"I won't go into the specifics. Just know that those kinds of things won't matter when you're going back in time."

"Laaame," Tatl groaned.

"Yes it is. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to a warmer location." He spread his wings and took off, disappearing over the rocky hills.

"So the stalker has returned," Gohma growled as she watched the bird fly away.

"How does he know about the time travel?" Kotake questioned.

Gohma shrugged. "I don't know. You should have asked him."

Kotake turned to her sister. "Why didn't you ask him, Koume?"

-Mountain Village-

The snowfall was much heavier as they neared the peak. A torrent of snow rained down from the sky, obscuring their view of the surrounding areas. "Okay!" Odolwa screamed over the wind. "Who's still alive?!"

"You unfortunately!" Gohma roared. "The main question is if Tatl is still here!"

"I'm here!" Tatl yelled from her place on Link's shoulder. "I'm suffering like never before, but I'm here!"

"You're all a bunch of wimps," Ganondorf scoffed. "The only difference between this and a Gerudo sandstorm is that this is colder. But if you want to be soft then you can stop in the cabin up ahead."

"What cabin?!" Link screamed.

"The one twenty metres to the left!" Koume snapped. "And I heard that the youths had better senses than us old hags..."

"They do Koume, he's just a special case," Kotake told her sister.

"It looks like you do say smart things every so often," Koume agreed. "He is rather special."

"Could you two finish calling me special and help us find the cabin?" Link asked the distracted witches, desperate to escape from the harsh climate.

Gohma agreed with an, "As amusing as it is, I want to live."

The three Gerudo reluctantly led our freezing heroes to the warmth of the Mountain Smithy cabin. Link burst through the door, crawling out of the blizzard. "Yes!"

A hulking monster towered above him. "UGOGH! UGOR UGOH UGHOR?!" There's a slight chance that Link soiled himself. It isn't one hundred percent certain, but it may have happened.

"Gabora, shaddup!" A shorter man screamed as he lied on the couch. He wore a white hat, had a large goatee, and had a sleeveless top that for some reason also left his nipples uncovered. The large white being grunted behind his metal mask and stepped back, giving Link some room. "Just as I was having a nice dream... Oh, hi there! Welcome to the Mountain Smithy, where we take our time to make sure your weapons are nice and pointy! I'm Zubora, the owner. Pleased to meet you."

It was here that Gohma, Odolwa, and Tatl all entered the cabin. There wasn't enough room for the uncaring Gerudo. "It's cold," Tatl gasped. "Oh so cold."

Zubora looked into the white abyss behind them. "Another storm? Those are happening very frequently lately."

"UGO UGO! UGO!"

"Shaddup over there!" Gabora's neck twitched. "That huge fellow is my assistant. He's all brawn and about as smart as a Deku Stick."

"Can he understand English?" Gohma asked him.

"Yup."

Gabora cracked his knuckles before walking away from the group, approaching an ice covered forge. It was rather odd, being the only thing in the cabin that was inside a block of ice.

"Say, did you hear of my skills and come to get your sword sharpened?" He continued without waiting for an answer. "Unfortunately, a devastating accident is preventing us from doing business. This cold snap has completely frozen our hearth over!"

A loud crash filled the cabin and everyone looked over at Gabora. He was holding a bent chisel to the ice and, after seeing that the ice had beaten his tool, he threw it to the ground.

"Nothing we do can get through this ice, it's very strange. The way things are going no, I won't be doing business until spring."

"It is spring," Tatl commented.

"Eh?! Then what's with the blizzard?"

"That's just Goht being silly," Odolwa said. "Kind of like me poisoning the swamp. It's all in good fun."

"Aren't you ruining people's lives and causing untold natural damage?" Gohma asked him.

"All in good fun."

"UGO UGOGH UG UGO!" Gabora roared.

"What are you screaming about?" Zubora snapped. "Pipe down and work on that ice."

"I think he's angry about all of his tools being broken," Odolwa said, gazing upon the many broken tools that were scattered around the frozen hearth. "OI! Witch person!"

Koume and Kotake poked their heads in. "Yes?"

"Fire one." Kotake went back outside. "Melt that ice because I'm nice."

"You aren't nice!"

"Fine, then leave!" The witch shrugged and left.

"What we need is hot water," Zubora commented. Gabora roared but Zubora silenced him again. "He believes a rumour that there were hot springs around here, but I don't believe that crap."

"Why?" Link asked him.

"Because... They're mountains."

-Later-

The group, lacking several desert dwelling folks, was staying with Gabora and Zubora until the storm died down enough to navigate. They'd give it until the morning, and if it was still up then they would have to keep going. "Tonight, Gabora's making his special for you all!" Zubora exclaimed. "It's all he can do with his tiny brain."

The sound of Gabora snapping a metal spoon in two was heard.

"Doesn't that piss him off?" Tatl questioned.

"Nah, he's too stupid to understand anger."

"UGOGH UGO!"

"SHADDUP!"

"UGOGH!"

"They're interesting," Tatl offhandedly said.

Gohma slowly nodded. "The key word being psychotic."

Outside, the three Gerudo were lurking deep inside the declining snowstorm. They had earlier found a northern path, but it had been far too dangerous to traverse in this weather. Instead, Koume and Kotake were fighting each other over a lake of sub-zero water. "Fire is better!" Koume roared as she blasted a beam of flames at her sister.

"Fire's too hot. Ice is superior!" Kotake flew over the beam and hurled a ball of ice energy toward the occupied Koume. This pattern continued as Ganondorf grew bored of their constant screaming.

"Enough!" They stopped and stared at him. "Either fight quietly or one of you needs to kill the other."

"Oh she'll be dead after the next hit," Koume cackled.

"Eh he he he, you overestimate yourself, Koume," Kotake laughed. They went back to fighting, ignoring Ganondorf's outburst.

"I hate them both."

"What's happening?" Ganondorf turned to see a shivering Goron standing nearby. "We can hear screaming and explosions from the village."

"Two old people arguing," Ganondorf answered, though he was curious as to where these Termina Gorons were living.

"They're really loud," the Goron said. "If that's all I'm going back to the village, it's cold out here."

"Wimp." In reality he was going to trail this guy back to their village. Perhaps the future king of evil could find a use for them.

"Ice!"

"Fire!"

"ICE!"

"FIRE!"

"Ganondorf?"

"FIRE! Wait, what?"

"He's gone," Kotake said as she pointed at the spot Ganondorf had just stood in. "Wasn't he standing there earlier, Koume?"

"Yes he was Kotake. But now he's gone."

"That's what I thought. Should we find him, Koume?"

Koume contemplated the situation. "We should Kotake, we should. But I must first make you learn that fire is better than ice! It melts it!"

And so it began again.

-Inside-

"Let's go," Tatl snapped at the others after a rather heated 'debate' between Gabora and Zubora.

"But it's still snowing," Link argued. He was immediately silenced by a punch from the fairy.

"I can't stand these guys any longer," Tatl said to them. "They won't stop yelling and this guy's special soup tastes like burnt Chuchu."

"You can eat Chuchus?" Link imagined putting a Chuchu in a pot and stirring it with a spoon. He began to giggle uncontrollably for some reason. "I'm making one of those when we get back!"

"You do that. Now let's go," Gohma grunted. "I'm getting annoyed too, and that soup is making me need to shit, and I don't think you want to be here after I do it."

"Okay..." Odolwa began to walk toward the door. "It's time to go."

Link, Odolwa, and Tatl all left the cottage and saw that the blizzard was now just a light snowfall. Four minutes later a bloodcurdling scream echoed out of the house. This was followed by a satisfied Gohma joining them. "What did you do?" Tatl asked her.

"Some things are best left unanswered. Now where are the Three Stooges?"


	14. The Unseen Truth

_Well this has been a fun week. Now that I have the time to write, I have a lovely little headache. Some rest should get rid of that, but in the meantime here's a new chapter._

_Published April 24, 2010_

**The Unseen Truth**

Ganondorf impatiently waited for the Goron to get to his village. At the moment he had fallen down down a hill and was stuck on his back, flailing his arms and legs like a turtle. Eventually the cruellest man in Termina took pity on the Goron and decided to help him stand up.

-Mountain Village-

"So you were fighting and he just wandered off," Tatl summarized from Koume and Kotake's story.

"Yes," Kotake said. "It was quite rude of him. Isn't that right, Koume?"

"Yes it was Kotake, yes it was."

"Hello!" a voice yelled from their left. "Is anyone there?"

Link's face paled. "Please tell me that you heard that voice too."

Gohma ignored him and searched for the source of the voice. "Who's there?"

"Up here! Up here!" They looked up and saw a Goron with what looked like a frog on his head atop a cliff that had to be at least twenty metres high. While pondering on how such a heavy and stupid creature could get to such a location, the Goron said, "I am sorry to bother you from such a high place, but I am very hungry right now."

"It's good that you know your priorities," Tatl commented.

"Don't you want to find a way down?" Gohma asked the Goron as though it was the most obvious thing in the world... which it was.

"Ooooh... It is so cold, I don't think I'm going to make it," the Goron groaned. "I just want to eat one last thing before I die. Something tough, that's hard to chew."

"Your arm fits that criterion quite well," Gohma shot back.

The Goron thought about it. "I never thought about that." After biting his arm and finding out that doing that was more painful than tasty he quickly scrapped that idea. "Oh, I'll never forget that glorious taste."

"What did it taste like?" Odolwa asked.

"It was like biting a freshly mined slab of sulphur, like running your tongue along a mountain of marble. You'll never taste anything like it." A look of pure happiness appeared in the Goron's eyes as it said this.

"Unless you do those things, right?" That was Gohma.

"Sounds pretty scrumptious," Odolwa agreed. "Maybe I'll try some someday."

-Night of the First Day, path to the Goron Village-

A Blue Tektite burst from its den beneath the snow; its legs bent mid-leap, its exoskeleton gleaming in the dusk light, its violent intent clearly visible behind the glowing red eye between its forelegs. Odolwa cut it in half with a single swing. "That's the eighth one. Is there a spray for these guys?"

"If there was I'd have bought enough to wipe out the whole race," Gohma said.

"I want to set them on fire!" Koume cackled.

"I want to set them on ice!" Kotake also cackled.

"No no no," Koume quickly said. "You see, Kotake, fire has progressed through the English language enough to be considered a verb in certain sentence structures, whereas ice is yet to be considered widely important enough to be used in a slang term that makes it take the form of a verb in a sentence. Until that day comes, ice is still considered a noun and must be used as such to avoid being shunned by the grammatical dictators that run rampant throughout our society."

"So... What I should say is: 'I want to _cover_ them in ice,' right Koume?"

"Yes, that is completely correct. Who says that you can't teach an old dog new tricks?"

"We have a bit of an issue," Odolwa said, cutting their conversation short. "Link fell off of the bridge and into that pile of snow, and he isn't coming up."

Koume blasted the snow with fire, the resulting explosion of flames destroying the snow and revealing a surprising sight. Frozen within another impregnable block of ice was a very old Goron. He had long white hair, a large under bite, and a hunchback that would make Quasimodo feel like a regular member of society.

"Wow, he's one ancient Goron!" Tatl exclaimed. "I wonder how long he's been here for. Do you think he's as old as those two?" She was of course talking about Koume and Kotake, who were busy dissecting the grammar of young people.

"Can you believe that 'ain't' made it into the dictionary?" Kotake asked, clearly shocked at this.

"I didn't even think that was used so often," Koume replied. "D'oh is now considered a word, however."

"What does that even mean?"

Gohma slowly shook her head. "Nothing is as old as those two."

Link got off of the block of ice that he had fallen onto. "I want to talk to him!" the spinally injured Link said. He put the Bomb Mask on his face. "Bombs ahoy!" He detonated.

The block of ice was completely unharmed. "We all know that the ice is invincible," Gohma said as she pulled him away and removed the Bomb Mask. "Now let's-"

A huge cracking sounded from the frozen Goron. At first they were all excited, though some like Gohma refused to admit it, at the prospect of meeting the Goron. It was revealed when the block fell through the now damaged ground around it that they were on a frozen lake. "Let's not bring this up again," Tatl decided. Link, though saddened by this outcome, agreed that they should continue their search for Ganondorf.

-Moments later-

Link slashed at the white Wolfos, but it was able to block the steel blade with its thick forearms. Odolwa tried to hurt it with his much larger sword but it was agile enough to dodge his attack. "As usual, you guys need me." Gohma moved forward and swiftly grabbed the Wolfos, devouring it whole. This of course mentally scarred Odolwa, Tatl, Koume, and Kotake, though Link was already scarred by it and thus remained unchanged.

"You know I'll find your secret to doing that one day, right?"

"Of course you will."

Unfortunately for them, Tingle was nearby and managed to spot Link from his elevated location. He dropped to the ground, running through the snowstorm to the group. "Might you be a fairy boy from the woods?" he excitedly asked, looking at Link in awe.

"Well I am a boy, I'm from the woods, and have a fairy, so you could say that I'm a fairy boy," Link answered.

"Marvellous, simply marvellous! I'm Tingle and I believe I'm just like you!" He pointed at his Kokiri outfit, one that looked very strange on a grown man, no matter how short he was. "Alas, I'm thirty five and still no fairy has come to me."

Gohma reacted to this in a predictable fashion by bursting into laughter. "And to think I thought the world was out of interesting weirdoes."

-Goron Village Exterior-

Ganondorf watched the Goron walk to the edge of a cliff and curl into a ball. At this moment Ganondorf felt many emotions – among them being anger, disappointment, shock, uncontrollable sadness, and hints of murderous intent. All of them turned to intrigue with hints of murderous intent when the ball jumped into the air and pounded the ground before walking off of the cliff. Ganondorf quickly looked over the ledge to see the Goron enter a stone door which soon closed behind it.

"So... The entrance to the city opens when they pound right here." Ganondorf looked at the location for a moment before jumping on it. He quickly dropped off of the ledge and walked into an unmoving stone door. "Maybe I need to hit it a certain way."

This was where the others found him about an hour later, kneeling in the snow and punching the ground rapidly. "DIE... YOU... FUCKING... PIECE... OF... GROUND... WHY... WON'T... YOU... OPEN... WHEN... I... HIT... YOU... YOU... DAMN... GROUND..."

"Somehow I knew that he'd be the first to snap," Gohma commented.

Ganondorf stopped punching the ground and sprang to his feet in an attempt to regain his lost dignity. "There's a trigger to the Goron Village here," he explained. "I saw one pound and the door opened, so I was trying to activate it."

"Why did you want to go into the Goron Village?" Tatl asked.

"I would assume that the purpose of his visit would be quite nefarious," a voice said.

"Oh come on!" Link snapped, turning to face the owl perched above them. "Why?! Why do you always have to be here?"

"I've been here for quite a while actually," Kae Gae said. "I arrived around the part where Ganondorf began to bash his face off of the ground." He hopped over a ball of dark energy. "Meet me at the northern cliff and I will show you something that will completely reverse your opinion of me, Link." He took flight, flying north. As they were already quite close to the northern cliff they watched him land and began to clean himself.

"Couldn't hurt to see him," Tatl said.

On their short walk to Kae Gae Link noticed a Business Scrub. "Hey there, thanks for stopping by!" The Scrub said. "I'm doing business with a focus on Goron clientele! I'm sorry, but I can't do business on you if you're not a Goron."

"That's quite a racist business," Kotake scoffed.

"Actually, it isn't racist," Koume explained. "Racist implies that Gorons and Hylians are of the same race when DNA analysis will tell you that their evolutionary lines do not cross at all. They are not of the same race, or even the same species of humanoids. The correct term would be speciesist."

"Oh shut up, Koume."

The group approached Kae Gae, who appeared to be talking to himself. "Relax, you'll get your help soon. Quiet, here they come... Hello!"

"I have two questions," Tatl said to the owl. "Question one: Were you just talking to yourself?"

"No."

"Alright. Question two: How do you keep your memories despite the time travel we go through?"

Kae Gae feigned shock at her words. "Time travel? Whatever do you mean?"

"Don't play the 'I don't know anything' game," Gohma growled. "We're not stupid. We can tell that you know a lot more than you should."

Kae Gae chuckled. "All will be answered in good time. Link, you are slowly gaining the strength needed to change the fate of this land but as of now you are still not powerful enough. The enemy you face is far more powerful than anything you have fought so far, and still more difficult challenges lie before you. What happens now was fated to happen, but if you can prevent it-"

Ganondorf interrupted him. "More matter, less art."

"Watch over the Gorons around you," Kae Gae continued. "Their land has been doomed to be smothered in snow and ice forever – to become a land where no living thing can survive. The conditions of this environment are extreme and without courage and determination you will surely not make it passed this stage in your journey. It may not hurt to buy pants either. Combating the cold is easier when you have less flesh in the open. Link and others, do you believe that you can overcome the challenges ahead of you and save the land from annihilation?"

"Sure?"

"Yup."

"Yeah."

"Do I Koume?"

"Yes."

"Indeed."

"Yes. Now move on to something else."

"I see that all of you are determined to succeed, and even though your reasons may differ..." He glanced at Ganondorf. "...I have little doubt in your success. And before you ask, yes, I do have some doubt. If you truly want to change the fate of this mountain then I will take to the air, toward the shrine, and I want you to follow behind me."

Link looked at the shrine that was floating in the distance. "Why are they a bunch of floating icicles?"

"Do not be deceived by appearances!" Kae Gae continued. "Let your feelings guide you and you will see the true path!"

Kae Gae took flight, slowly making his way across the bottomless chasm. "My feelings... they tell me to... leave... this place," Ganondorf Shatnered.

"Follow me!" Kae Gae yelled.

"LEAP OF FAITH!" Link ran at the abyss and jumped, closing his eyes as he fell onto the invisible platform. Before he could celebrate this miracle he continued sliding and fell right off of the invisible block.

After being saved by the owl Link tried again, jumping into the air where it looked like the snow had stopped. Most of the time there was an invisible platform waiting for him, but every so often he jumped into the air and fell into the gorge.

"If you let your feelings guide you the true path shall appear!" Kae Gae declared.

"Why can't you just carry me?" Link stood on an invisible platform, unsure of where to go next. Kae Gae chuckled as though this was a stupid question.

"How will I test your courage and determination if I do everything for you? There will be times in the future where you will be unable to rely on the strengths of others. You must be prepared for this now so that you will not fail then."

"And jumping across invisible blocks will help how?" Tatl asked from Link's shoulder.

"Wait a minute! I think I get it now!" Link pulled out the Mask of Scents and placed it on his face. He sniffed the air. "Of course, it all makes sense now!" He turned to the left and jumped, landing on a block. He jumped to another on the right, and then two more that were straight forward, eventually reaching solid ground. "I did it!"

"Well done, Link," Kae Gae praised, his head held high. "But this time, I'd like you to come _this way_!"

Gohma turned Link around, letting him face the far away shrine and the owl perched on it. "Oh."

-After overcoming the invisible platforms-

"Well done, Link," Kae Gae praised, his head held high. "I have certainly been assured of your courage and determination. You have learned not to be deceived by appearances and to let your feelings guide you forward. Inside this shrine you will find something that will aid you in your quest."

Link entered and found a chest sitting in the middle of a small cavern. "This is a shrine?"

"It's a _Goron_ shrine," Tatl reminded him.

The Hylian boy walked to the golden rimmed chest, opening it with ease. "They don't keep their treasures very safe."

"It's a _Goron_ shrine."

Inside the chest was something very familiar to Link. "It's the Lens of Truth!" Link held it up to his eye, now able to see several invisible Skulltulas around the room. "Good times."

Link left the shrine and, now capable of viewing the invisible blocks, crossed the chasm to rejoin the rest of the group. "Is that the Lens of Truth?" Gohma asked him.

"Yup!"

"Why's a Sheikah artefact in Termina?" Ganondorf questioned. "If I remember correctly, the Lens of Truth was created by Sheikah mystics several hundred years ago, and they haven't replicated or given it to anyone else since then."

Once again, Kae Gae knew the answer. "Actually, the Terminan Gorons made something called the Eye of the Gorons before that. Some Sheikah came over, said 'That is awesome' and replicated it. Some Terminan Gorons saw theirs, said 'It looks prettier than ours' and made their Eye of the Gorons look like the Lens of Truth. To sum it all up, both sides copied each other until they had two identical items."

Link put the Lens to his eye and jumped in shock. "Whoa!"

"Do not be alarmed," an invisible Goron ghost that floated before him calmly said.

Link pointed behind the ghost. It turned around and quickly jumped at what was behind him.

Everyone saw what the big shocker was when a giant grey beast with severed hands and an abdomen that faded into the sky appeared from the darkness. Its single yellow eye looked over them all. "It's been a while."


	15. Darmani and the Gorons

_With nothing else to do on my sick day, I finished the next chapter. Ta-da!_

_Published May 3, 2010_

**Darmani and the Gorons**

"Heeeeeey, it's our friend from the south: Bongo Bongo! I'd hug you but I don't want the ugliness to rub off on me," Link exclaimed, giving the phantom shadow beast a polite nod.

"Grow up," Bongo Bongo snapped. "So what brings you all to these parts?"

"New evil thing is doing stuff. Have to go to four temples to win," Gohma summarized. "So why are _you_ here? The last thing that I heard was that you were in Hyrule doing some crap with Kingy."

Bongo Bongo's gaze fixed itself on the Gerudo King that stood in the back. "Is that Ganondorf with you? You know, _the_ Ganondorf; the one guy in the world who you should be calling uglier than me?"

"Nah, he's pretty nice," Link said. "And if I called him ugly I'd probably die."

"Yes you would," Ganondorf added. "Now someone tell me why all these hideous monsters I've never met are shocked by my presence! I could handle the secrecy to a certain extent, but now this is pissing me off!"

"Did you just call me ugly?" Gohma snarled, facing the Gerudo King with rage in her eye.

"You're in a different category," Ganondorf said to her. "You're a hideous monster that I _have_ met that was barely fazed by my presence."

Bongo Bongo crashed his fist down between the two, barely missing Koume. "Children, enough! For the record, I'm here on King Dodongo's request. You see..."

-A year ago in Hyrule-

King Dodongo watched helplessly as his Beamos Statues were repossessed. "My life is over," he announced. "I'm going to go fling myself into Death Mountain, okay?"

"That won't help your bar at all," Bongo Bongo, the shadow boss from the future, said.

The royal Dodongo shrugged at this statement. "It'll wake me up. After that I'm going to find a way out of this issue!" You see, business had declined over the last year until he was down to his last few rupees. Naturally King Dodongo made dozens of insane cutbacks to make more money and even tried to make his employees pay him to work there. Very few complied.

Now he was going out of business. "You could sell the tavern for more than it's worth and start up somewhere else," a loyal Dodongo employee said.

"I like, I like... Keep going."

"That was it. It's pretty basic plan."

"Oh. I think I have the perfect buyers in mind..." King Dodongo quickly scheduled a meeting with several wealthy Gibdos.

-Present time-

"They bought the tavern and he sort of fulfilled his own nightmare," Bongo Bongo explained. "I have to admit that he took it quite well. After selling his family business the two of us found some cheap real estate up here and moved in about five minutes ago."

Kae Gae clicked his beak to grab their attention. "Forgetting about something important?"

"Shhh, I want to hear the story!" Link said. "So then what happened?"

"I came out to find the local Gorons and ran into you. That's about it."

"Booooooriiiiiiing," Odolwa cried. "It needed more dragons."

Gohma sighed. "Do you even know what a Dodongo is?"

"Nope, but I wouldn't mind bombing some."

"Let's go see him!" Link exclaimed. "I haven't been drunk in ages!"

"Hold on a minute!" Kae Gae jumped off of his perch and landed on a sign beside the group. "You may have forgotten this, but did not you see a ghost just a moment ago when you looked through the Lens of Truth? Perhaps it would be in your best interests to speak to this ghost. You may talk to King Dodongo at any time, but unless you save this mountain now the inhabitants, including your friends, will be trapped in this eternal snowstorm forever."

"That was a bit redundant at the end," Odolwa pointed out. "Eternal and forever mean-"

No one was quite sure how it had happened, but Odolwa had been smashed into the wall across from the chasm and knocked unconscious.

"I'll tell King Dodongo you'll stop by later," Bongo Bongo said. "Just go on with your adventure and whatnot."

"See ya Bongo Bongo, just make sure that you don't make anyone keel over and die on your way!" Link sounded like he was trying to say a friendly goodbye, he really did.

"I'll keep it in mind." Bongo Bongo faded from their sight just before Link felt a blow to the ribs knock the wind out of him.

After recovering from this Link put the Lens of Truth to his eye and saw the Goron ghost right where it had been before. "So the Eye really can see the dead," the ghost said to itself. "If you truly care about the fate of this mountain then follow behind me." It turned and began to float away very quickly.

"Follow it!" Link put on his Bunny Hood and ran after the ghost, catching up within seconds. He soon found that with the hood he was faster and had to be the one to wait for the ghost. "Hurry up!"

"Link, what the hell are you yelling at?" Link let Tatl look through the Lens of Truth. "Oh. That explains it."

The ghost led Link out of the Goron Village and back to the Mountain Village that they had come from. It floated toward the lake that Koume and Kotake had fought over top of and then rose hundreds of feet into the air, disappearing over the cliff top. Luckily for Link, there were invisible ladders leading to that area.

"Better get climbing." Gohma pushed him forward before jumping over the water and digging her claws into the stone, quickly scaling it. Koume, Kotake, and Ganondorf all flew up leaving just Link, Tatl, and Odolwa behind.

"You all suck!" Odolwa screamed.

Link carefully hopped across the icy blocks floating in the ice cold water, careful not to slide off like he had less than an hour ago. Link and Odolwa soon crossed and with the Lens of Truth in hand Link began to climb the winding ladders, the jungle warrior following his path. The climb was going smoothly until...

"I think it's dead," Link said as he stopped ascending.

"Dead? What do you mean dead?"

Link shook the Lens of Truth and looked into it again, frowning. "It stopped working. I think I used up all the magic. Don't worry, this happened to me once before. We can just wait for it to recharge!"

Disbelief covered Odolwa's hidden face. "We're clinging to the side of a cliff, and for the record my upper body strength isn't all that great! I can't sit here waiting for it to recharge, I don't have long until my arms-"

"It's charged!" Link continued climbing.

Odolwa wordlessly followed.

At the top of the cliff the others waited for Link to come with the Lens of Truth. It was difficult to see a ghost without it. In the meantime Koume and Kotake engaged in small talk with a freezing Goron and his preserved brother.

"If only I had some water from the hot spring beneath the hero's grave," the shivering rock creature said. "Then I could melt the ice off of my brother."

"And then what?" Koume asked, curious of his plans.

"Then I won't be lonely when I die."

"These Gorons are very pessimistic, aren't they Koume?"

"Yes they are Kotake, yes they are."

Link pulled himself onto the flat ground, happy that that little incident was done. The ghost went into the cavernous graveyard, stopping in front of a monumental tombstone. "The soaring one said that the one who could see me would be arriving soon," the ghost said to Link. "It seems that turned out to be true."

"Quick question," Ganondorf said as Link talked to the ghost. "We know there's a ghost there, and that we can't see it without the Lens of Truth. Is there any reason why we can't _hear_ it without the Lens?"

"I am Darmani the Third. The blood of proud Goron heroes flows through me," the ghost announced. "It feels strange to talk like this, but when I was alive I was a renowned warrior and veteran. But alas, now I am dead."

"Ganondorf, is there any way to bring back the dead?" Link asked the magic wielding warrior.

"No."

"I was still fine and alive until I marched off to Snowhead by myself, hoping that I could drive off the demon which has covered out land in this never ending snowfall," Darmani continued, his posture drooping as he remembered the failure he had gone through. "It had been wrecking so much havoc that I had wanted to stop, I wanted the suffering of my people to end! But just as I reached Snowhead a blizzard blew me off of a cliff and now... Here I am, Darmani, failed hero of the Goron people."

"You're not a failed hero!" Link interrupted. "Just because you lost one fight doesn't mean that you failed. You just said that you were a renowned warrior, doesn't that give you any accomplishments?"

Darmani's head fell forward. "I know that I should feel that way, but for my life to end with my people in such a state... It's so infuriating! I can only watch as the Goron Village is slowly buried, turning into a tomb. I am dead, but I cannot rest like this."

"It must be hard to rest with no legs," Odolwa interjected. "I looked in the Lens for a second."

"Your companion is very juvenile," Darmani snarled, his sadness quickly becoming anger at Odolwa's attitude. "The world is falling apart around us and yet you find this situation humorous!"

"It's a coping mechanism."

"I heard that you can use magic," Darmani continued after settling with just glaring at Odolwa. "I had planned to ask if you could bring me back to life, but you just said that that could not be done."

"Life would be too convenient if we could do that," Ganondorf added. "I looked through the Lens too."

"Then could you do something else for me? Please, heal my sorrows."

"What's that mean?" Link asked him. Darmani shrugged. "Maybe... the Song of Healing will work!"

"Oh yeah, because he used the word heal that obviously means that the song with the work heal in it will work," Odolwa sarcastically commented. Link just took out his ocarina and played the Song of Healing for Darmani.

"Oooooh, what a soothing melody," Darmani whispered, feeling all of his sorrows disappearing. It was so calming; despite the problems he felt at peace. It was like all of the Gorons were cheering him on, telling him that he had done all that he could do and that it was finally time to move on.

Darmani the Third began to fade away, and in his place a mask appeared. The mask fell to the floor, its Goron face staring up at Link.

"I leave my undying feelings with you," Darmani's voice echoed. "Please, do what I could not. Save my people from the death that they do not deserve... For the Gorons..."

"Oh Darmani." Odolwa wiped an imaginary tear from his face. "I hardly knew ye..."

Tatl punched the jungle warrior. "Has anyone ever told you how insensitive you are?"

Link picked up the Goron Mask. With this he could become the mighty Goron hero Darmani. "Cool!" Link put it onto his face, and as usual his body was filled with excruciating pain as he completely changed.

Now a Goron, Link faced the others. "How do I look?"

They looked him over. "Well, Darmani was a hulking, intimidating Goron warrior," Odolwa began, "and you're pretty much a fat version with a green hat."

Kotake then remembered what the Goron outside had said about the hot spring below the grave. "The Goron outside said that there was a hot spring below the grave, right Koume?"

"I believe so, Kotake. Rocky, move the grave!"

Link complied, grabbing the sides of the tombstone and pulling it back with ease. "I wonder why they blocked off the hot spring with this gravestone," Tatl pondered to herself.

With a final pull a grate was revealed. Almost instantly, the graveyard was flooded with steaming water which physically hurt Ganondorf, Gohma, and Odolwa. The metal armour did not help Ganondorf's legs.

"Holy shit that's hot!" Ganondorf yelled just as he escaped from the searing water.

Link stood in the hot spring, unharmed, a fact that Tatl quickly noticed. "And yet you're the one that lives in the desert."

-Moments later-

Goron Link, spring water in a bottle, walked out of the burial cave and into the cold once more. "W-what?" The shivering Goron ran up to him, analyzing his appearance. "You're the great Darmani, aren't you?"

"Sure."

The Goron looked at Link, and then into the burial cave. "Whose grave was I making?"

"This is Death. Darmani isn't scheduled to die until next Tuesday. Please try again later." A yellow eye appeared for a moment before Bongo Bongo fully revealed himself.

Tatl jumped at his sudden appearance... jumped in mid-air. "Whoa, it's Commander Hideous!"

Bongo Bongo waved her away. "Are there by any chance hot springs in there?" the shadow beast asked them. "I've heard rumours."

"Yeah." Link pulled out the bottle of spring water.

"Let's see if it can melt the ice." Gohma grabbed the bottle and emptied its contents onto the frozen Goron, watching as the boiling water thawed the magical ice. Within moments it was a puddle around another shivering Goron.

"Huh? What's going on? AH!" He didn't react to Gohma and Bongo Bongo well.

"Brother!" The first Goron slowly made his way toward his apparently twin brother. "Are you all right? You were frozen for almost two hours! This one saved you-"

"D-Darmani?"

"Yes brother, Darmani is here too. I was just told that he wasn't supposed to die until Tuesday."

-Goron Village-

Bongo Bongo brought them to an interesting sight. King Dodongo was completely frozen in what appeared to be the middle of a step forward. "Was he flash-frozen?" Tatl asked.

Bongo Bongo shrugged. "I just came back and he was like this. Link, if you say anything about my looks right now I swear I will strangle you with your own spine."

"I-I was going to say that he got attacked..."

"No you weren't. Don't bullshit me." Bongo Bongo splashed some hot spring water on the ice and it began to melt almost instantly, becoming a puddle in seconds.

Now that he had been thawed King Dodongo stretched his aching limbs, cracking the joints. "How long was I frozen for?" he groaned.

"An hour or two," Bongo Bongo said as he gave Link his bottle back.

King Dodongo gave the group a quick look over, his eyes stopping on a specific individual. "You... I never thought I'd have to see your ugly mug again."

"Don't worry, the hate is mutual," Gohma growled.

Link removed the Goron Mask. "Kingy, nice to see you again!"

"Don't call me Kingy. Does that mask make you a Goron by any chance?"

Link nodded. "I also have one that makes me a Deku! It's pretty useless though."

"Interesting... How much does something like that cost?"

"We've gotten both of them for free!" Link exclaimed. "But the second time did need Darmani's life."

"But no money was involved?"

"I guess so."

"Stop being greedy," Gohma interrupted, ending their conversation. "We have things to do right now and this isn't bringing us any closer to Snowhead."

"I wouldn't go to Snowhead if I were you," Bongo Bongo quickly said. "There's a huge invisible Goron blowing anyone who comes away. If I didn't float I'd have fallen into that chasm and died, like that one Goron I saw."

"So we need to take out a giant invisible Goron to continue," Ganondorf summarized. "I say that we should go to that place where all the Gorons are hiding. You know, to ask questions and stuff like that."

"I agree with the murderous psychopath that I didn't notice until now," King Dodongo added. He had just set up shop in the area and needed to advertise.

The now larger group approached the door, seeing the still obvious signs of Ganondorf's earlier struggle. "Some of you should stay here," Tatl said. "We don't want to cause a panic."

"I'm going in," King Dodongo declared.

"Me too," Ganondorf said.

"I as well," Bongo Bongo added.

"And me!" Kotake chirped.

"I might as well," Gohma grunted.

"I want to see some of these Gorons," Odolwa also said.

They all looked at Koume. "I guess I'll stay here..."

"It's good to see that we know who to leave behind to avoid drawing attention."

Link put his Goron Mask back on, becoming Darmani once more. With a pound Link had opened the door in the Goron Village, letting the group enter. The first thing that they noticed was loud, incessant crying that echoed around the whole shrine. The Gorons inside were all covering their ears and many looked sleep deprived.

"Darmani? You're alive?" A nearby Goron approached him, appearing confused. "The Elder said you had died..."

"He was misinformed," Tatl stated.

"Oh. Welcome back!" A particularly loud cry made them wince. "So does that crying sound familiar to you? The Elder's son won't stop crying and it's driving everyone insane. You're good with kids... Can you please make him stop?"

The group began to ascend the slope which spiralled around the shrine's interior, and every time they ran into a Goron...

"Wha? Darmani? You're supposed to be dead!" It wasn't the Gerudo King, the two legged scorpion-spider, the dinosaur or the jungle warrior that made them talk. Nope, it was always Darmani.

King Dodongo slid up to a Goron. "Heeeeey, you look like someone who enjoys getting completely wasted!"

The Goron looked impressed. "Wow, it's like you've known me my whole life!"

"Then come on down to Dodongo's Tavern so you can give me money in exchange for the alcoholic beverages that you've grown to love so much. We also have soup!"

Another Goron rolled over to them. "Did I hear something about soup?"

"You like soup? Well we have tons! Tomato, chicken, you name it and we have it at Dodongo's Tavern. We also serve alcohol. Stop by in your free time and you'll love it!"

To the side stood Ganondorf and Gohma watching him do his thing. "Is he always like this?"

"Pretty much."

Link finally reached the top of the shrine, relieved that his Goron body's struggle against the gentle slope had ended. "Those sideburns... Aren't you Darmani?"

"Yeah," Link panted to the Goron.

"You're-"

Tatl interrupted him. "Supposed to be dead, we know. Everyone here has said it so far."

"Oh, sorry. It's just a big surprise. Where have you been this whole time?"

"I fell down a cliff and had to climb back up," Link lied, making up his story in his head. "Then I was attacked by... Tektites. Many, many Tektites. And they were... on fire."

"Wow! That's incredible! I don't have good news like you though. The Elder thought you were dead and went to Snowhead on his own. His son hasn't reacted to his absence well. Please go see him, quickly!"

Link and Tatl went through a dark passage, seeing what looked like a throne in the next room. Sitting on it was a small Goron, just larger than Link's head, who was crying its lungs out. "Daaaaddy!" he cried. The Goron took notice of Link, but didn't stop crying as he talked. "Darmi, where's my daddy? Where'd he go?"

On the wall was a nice, framed picture of the Elder's son and the extremely old Goron that they had drowned earlier. "I really hope that's not the Elder," Tatl muttered.

"Yup, that's him," a Goron said. "He's pretty much the only one who can calm his son down. Darmani, can you please find him? He couldn't have gone far..."

The two glanced at each other.

-Dawn of the First Day-

Everyone was looking for snowball containing the Elder. "So is anyone going to explain this time travel stuff?" King Dodongo asked the group.

"No," Gohma grunted. "Now stop asking."


	16. Good Deeds

_Published May 9, 2010_

**Good Deeds**

It took about ten minutes of scouring the valley to find the frozen Elder. Goron Link punched open the boulder and then defrosted the old man. Gohma, King Dodongo, and Bongo Bongo stood back for a bit so that they didn't give the old guy a heart attack and kill him.

"Huh? What's going on? Where am I? Who're you?" the Elder asked, looking around randomly.

"This guy _is_ the Elder, right?" Bongo Bongo whispered. "I think the frost got to his brain."

"What time is it?" The Elder leaned over to Link, narrowing his eyes. "You... You're... Um... Er..."

"Darmani," Link finished. "You know me!"

The Elder stared at him for a moment. "Darmani? Darmani..." He leaned back, flailing his arms. "Oh! You're Darmani! But you're-"

"Supposed to be dead, we know," Tatl interrupted. "Well he's obviously not, see?"

The Elder tilted his head. "But I _know_ you're dead."

"And yet here he is," Ganondorf snapped. "Yippee skippee."

"Oh! It's a pirate!" the Elder exclaimed, backing away from Ganondorf.

The Gerudo thief raised an eyebrow at this exclamation, pretty sure that he was not a pirate. "What?"

"You're a Gerudo pirate, aren't you?" The Elder took a defensive stance. "My booty is hidden and you'll never find it!"

"I'm leaving now." Ganondorf, followed by his mothers, walked toward the monsters of their group and started a much more sensible conversation.

The Elder's attention had been completely drawn away from Link by this point. "What am I doing here? What's going on? Oooohhhhh, Darmani! You're supposed to be dead!"

"Really?" Tatl sarcastically gasped, covering her mouth with her hands. "I never knew!"

"I'm not dead Mr. Goron Elder guy!" Link exclaimed, slapping his chest for no real reason.

"Am I hallucinating?" the Elder asked himself. "You can't be alive... Maybe this is also the doing of Snowhead's magic powers."

"Magic powers?" Ganondorf was back with them. "I'm interested now."

"Ooooohhhh, a pirate!"

Odolwa shoved Ganondorf away, not caring about how the much more powerful man was now viciously glaring at him. "He's a harmless pirate, don't worry about him."

The Elder observed him. "Have we met?"

"No. However, you have met Darmani, have you not?"

"Ooooohhhhh, Darmani! Humph, I've been made a fool of!" he randomly shouted. "I refuse to be fooled by this illusion – I will see past you!"

"I'm real though."

"No, I refuse to be fooled!" The Elder attempted to walk through Link, strutting face first into his chest. The Elder bounced backwards, falling onto his side. With his dangerously engorged back it would be difficult to stand back up on his own. Odolwa helped him get to his feet.

"We came to you for a reason," Tatl told to him. "And even if you don't think Darmani there is here, I'm here so I exist." She flew over to him. "Your son misses you and is crying so loudly that no one in your village can hear anyone else."

"My son?" The Elder seemed to go deep into thought.

"You know, really short," Odolwa explained, "seems ridiculously young for someone like you to have, has a white cowlick-"

"I know who my son is," the Elder snapped. "I'm just thinking... My son is crying because he misses me? When I set out, I didn't think that he would miss me so much. Don't worry my son, your father is coming back!"

The Elder began to attempt to walk back to the village, to return to his son. He stumbled forward, barely making progress. "I don't think you'll be getting there anytime soon," Tatl stated.

"Yes, you're right," the Elder stated. He faced Link, thinking for a moment before he spoke, reaching into his beard as he did so. "Darmani... I no longer care if you are a ghost or even an illusion. If you feel pity for my lonely son then please... quietly play him this song." The Elder pulled a small bongo out of his large beard.

Suddenly Bongo Bongo had appeared beside him, snatching the drum. "Interesting... Sturdy frame, strong material, solid echo chamber... This is a high quality bongo you have here. I approve of you playing this." He put it back in the Elder's hands before fading away once more.

Tatl's brow lowered. "Did you meet any normal people... things on your last journey? Any at all?"

"Phantom Ganon was pretty normal," Link responded.

"Back up a step." Ganondorf was once again beside Link. "Who's this 'Phantom Ganon' that you speak of?" A small bongo lightly bounced off his face. "I'm telling you for the last time: I am not a pirate!"

The Elder stuck his head forward, looking Ganondorf over. "Who're you?"

Tatl floated over to the Elder with his bongo. "You were talking about a song I believe."

"Yes, of course I was!" He took the bongo, placing it in front of him. "Darmani, it is the very same melody often played for you when you were young. It has an almost mystic ability, able to put almost any Goron who listens to it to sleep..."

"See?" Odolwa suddenly shouted, scaring everyone. "We can put the big invisible Goron to sleep with this! I knew everything would come full circle in the end. Let's hear the song, gramps!"

"Yes, yes, I'll just play it. Now how does it go again? Oh, yes." As Link took out his own drums the Elder played three notes before stopping. "That's not right. Um... Let me play it again." He played the same three notes once more and as he moved in to hit a fourth note he stopped.

"What's wrong?" Link asked him.

"It's just the cold getting to me. Um... Ah, yes, yes, like this!" Despite his enthusiasm he only got the same three notes again.

"It's like watching an older Link try to copy a song," Gohma commented. "Looks like we can see your future right now, 'Darmani'!"

"Really? What's it like?"

"Very entertaining but in a certain light somewhat depressing to the viewer. I don't think you'll have a problem with it."

"It's no good!" the Elder groaned in frustration. "All I can remember is the beginning!"

"No problem," Link said. "I can just make up the rest."

Tatl punched him in the side of the head, somehow not hurting her fist on his rock skull. "How about you don't because it will hurt our ears?"

Ganondorf scoffed at this. "You're tone deaf anyway, it won't matter."

"I'm not tone deaf!"

"You're already getting defensive."

While they argued, the Elder kept on talking to Link. "I can't remember the rest so I'll just teach you the beginning. It's not that I forgot, I definitely remember. It's just so cold and I can't play it very well."

Link gave him a pat on the back... hump. "Don't worry, I believe you."

"Thank you Darmani, you're so kind and strong. That's why you're rich."

King Dodongo began to stroke his chin, wishing he had a beard. "Lots of money, eh?"

Tatl's shoulders dropped. "Is money all that's on your mind?" she monotonously asked him.

"Actually," Gohma began, "I'm interested in this too."

"So am I," Ganondorf added. "As a desert thief I enjoy the concept of being rich. Perhaps I could buy a castle someday."

Kotake elbowed Koume harder than necessary. "Did you hear that Koume? He has money!"

Koume elbowed Kotake back, just as hard. "Yes I did Kotake. Yes I did."

The Elder played three notes on his drum and then the three notes again. "This is just the beginning, but it could be enough. I am counting on you to help my son."

-Goron Village-

"Darmani? You're alive!?"

"Wha? Darmani?! You're supposed to be dead!"

"Is that you Darmani? I had heard you died!"

They forgot the key factor of how going back in time resets absolutely everything. Link was forced to go through all of the Gorons reacting to how 'Darmani was alive' and whatnot. Being Link he didn't mind, but Tatl quickly grew annoyed.

"Are you-"

"Yes he is Darmani, no he is not dead and he obviously never was even if he was supposed to be now shut the hell up with the rest of your species before I kill each and every one of you!"

"Someone's cranky," Gohma commented.

The group, aside from Koume who waited outside, ascended to the chamber where the Elder's son cried. "Did anyone else comment on how the Elder was really old to have such a young kid?" Kotake asked offhandedly.

"I did," Gohma grunted.

"And me," King Dodongo said.

"Me too," Odolwa added.

"Even I did," Link said.

As they reached the Elder's son's chamber the crying reached its loudest. "Play it already!" Gohma snarled, her eardrums almost rupturing.

Link played the Lullaby Intro and almost immediately the crying began to die down. This was mostly due to the Elder's son speaking. "That's the song daddy always plays before I go to sleep. I'll sing the next part." He stood up, his back straight and his hands tucked behind him before singing an eight note song.

"That was sudden," Gohma said. "I thought there'd be a transitional phase between crying loud enough to wake the dead and teaching a song."

Ganondorf shrugged. "And I thought the moon was a sixth of the size of the planet, but reality always likes to fuck over our beliefs."

Link managed to guess what the remaining song was (seeing as he had to translate throat noises into drum notes) and learned the Goron Lullaby! Da-da-da-daaaaaaaaaa!

Immediately after hearing someone else play it, the Elder's son became drowsy. "It's like daddy's right beside me..." He feel off of the chair and crashed onto the cold, stone floor, fast asleep.

"Is he okay after that?" Bongo Bongo asked.

"He'll be fine when we go back again," Tatl said. "The important thing is that you now know the Goron Lullaby!"

"That's a horrible name," Ganondorf interrupted. "It should be called the Skull Cracker because they fall asleep instantly."

"I agree with Skull Cracker," King Dondongo said.

"All in favour of Skull Cracker?" Gohma asked.

"Aye!" everyone except Tatl yelled. The fairy scowled at this but said nothing. As they turned around everyone except Link, who seemed to freeze in place, saw that the Gorons behind them had also fallen asleep.

"That's convenient," Tatl said. "'Whaaaa, you're alive Darmani!' Play a quick song and bam, they're out of the picture." She noticed how Link seemed to have zoned out. "Hey Link, you okay?"

Link felt a strange feeling, one that he had never felt before. As he stared down the hallway he had the urge to curl into a ball and begin to roll, something he did without hesitation. "Link, what the hell are you doing?!" Tatl swiftly flew after him.

"Looks like he lost it second," Gohma said before the monsters of the group followed.

As Link rolled he began to be surrounded by fire-like energy, a glow that gradually got larger and larger. "AAAAGGGGHHHH!" Suddenly spikes shot out of Link's rolling body, speeding him up greatly and making him into a rolling ball of concentrated death. "OW OW OW OW OW!" Several Gorons managed to jump out of his path to avoid being skewered before Link rolled right off of a ramp. He flew, airborne until he crashed into what looked like an extremely expensive chandelier ornament.

Link and a huge chunk of meat fell to the floor. "Wow Darmani, that was incredible!" a nearby Goron exclaimed before turning to his friend to ask how incredible he thought it was. His friend was crushed underneath the meat. "OH! This is high quality rock sirloin! Wow Darmani, that was such a lucky hit!"

"I have an idea!" Link picked up the meat and slowly ran out of the shrine.

-Mountain Village-

Link threw the meat to the Goron who was stuck on top of the cliff. "This is the finest quality of rock sirloin! It's such a great treat that's I've had rocky dreams about it!" He ate it almost immediately, picking up the whole thing and jamming it down his throat in a rather disgusting display.

"Chew your food, that's gross," Gohma snapped.

"My strength has returned!" The Goron jumped off of the cliff, crashing into the icy ground below. The impact cracked the ice, but fortunately it didn't break. "Oh, I was wondering who it was. Hey there Darmani! How'd you know that I was up there and starving?"

"He had a hunch," Tatl said.

"Thanks Darms, you saved my life! I know it's late, but happy birthday!" The Goron gave Link the frog that was on his head, revealing it to be Don Gero's Mask!

"You got Don Gero's Mask!" Odolwa announced. "It looks just like Don Gero, conductor of the frog choir!"

Ganondorf stared at him for a moment. "What was that and do know how many things were wrong with that sentence?"

"I'm heading back to the village," the Goron said. "It's cold here. I hope that spring comes soon so I can hear the frog choir's performance."

"Does no one else have problems with a 'frog choir'?! Really?" Ganondorf received no answer.

"See you when you get back!" The Goron rolled off.

"How long was that guy up there to not hear that Darmani was dead?" Tatl questioned. She too received no answer.

"So does anyone know where Snowhead is?" Link asked.

"Yeah," Bongo Bongo immediately answered. He pointed to a thin path between two cliffs. "It's up that way."

-Path to Snowhead-

Ganondorf observed the path that they would need to take from here. "Interesting." Up ahead was a very thin, snow covered path with a stone wall to the left and a dark abyss to the right. There were two large gaps in the path that had wooden ramps on both sides of them.

"There's a sign over here," Odolwa said. "'Closed to the general public and those who cannot perform the Goron Jump.' Well Link, get jumping!"

Link curled into a ball and rolled forward, charging up... and getting hit by a rolling snowball. He tried again and soon had many spikes painfully burst from his body. He jumped over the gap and continued to roll. As he went he accidentally skimmed the wall and bounced, rolling at full speed off of the cliff and into the darkness.

"Shit," Odolwa swore. "We just lost the hero!"

"Hey guys," Link greeted as he ran over to them from the area's entrance. "That hurt, I'm not doing that again."

Odolwa looked at Link before jerking his head to the chasm and then back again repeatedly. "How- What did you... Someone explain!"

Link rolled over the gaps, Gohma climbed across the cliff wall, and all who could fly flew after them. "Looks like you and me got left behind," King Dodongo said to Odolwa. The jungle warrior chuckled before jumping into the air, covering at least a hundred metres with his leap. "You all suck!" the dragon screamed. "Well the joke's on you! Go ahead and save the world, I have all that I need in Darmani's bank account!" King Dodongo turned and stormed off.

-Snowhead-

The group had finally reached Snowhead, their second objective. Before them stood a massive tower of stone surrounded by another deep chasm, the only way across being a small, curving bridge of stone and ice. A roaring gust of wind hit them all, pushing them back slightly.

Link quickly became Hylian again so that he could activate the owl statue there. He then returned to Goron form and took out his Lens of Truth. "Yup, really big Goron," he reported before the Goron blew again, pushing them even farther back.

"We'll need to put him to sleep before we can cross that bridge," Gohma said. "We'll get blown off if we try."

Link pulled out his drums, cracking his knuckles as he did so. He played the Skull Cracker and then looked at the massive Goron that for some reason became visible once the song was done. It lurched forward several times, trying to resist the song but ended up giving in and curling into a ball. The ball rolled down the slope and then tipped off of the bridge, falling into the pit.

"This might just be the most lethal song I've ever heard," Tatl said, awed at how quickly it had taken down that giant. The mountain shook as the Goron hit the bottom of the pit.

"Should we see if he's okay?" Link asked them as he looked into the pit.

"He's fine," Tatl said, waving off Link's concerns. "Well, he know he will be when we go back in time again."


	17. Interfamily Issues

_As none of you probably know, my fifth anniversary on the site is coming up on this Saturday. I expect for that day to put out a lot of content and will put up a chapter about one of my favourite boss fights in the Zelda series - the Masked Mechanical Monster known as Goht! Here's the chapter of Snowhead Temple, featuring disagreements, battles, and failed puzzle solving. How is it any different from the rest of the story you may ask?_

_Please don't make me answer that..._

_Published May 18, 2010_

**Interfamily Issues**

-Night of the First Day, Snowhead-

"I know that I _should_ be helping him," Bongo Bongo said, "but I won't."

"The faster he dies, the better for me," Ganondorf admitted, shrugging lightly as he watched Link try to outrun the White Wolfos that was chasing him. Despite him wearing the Bunny Hood in an attempt to escape from a painful demise it was slowly catching up.

They currently stood on just outside of the Snowhead Temple. As Link had crossed the bridge a White Wolfos burst from the snow and he screamed and ran for it. The Wolfos intelligently chased after him, and now they were right here.

"You're all horrible, cruel people!" Gohma snapped. "That poor Wolfos just wants to eat but you're watching it suffer trying to get the food that it rightfully deserves!" She picked up a snowball and launched it at Link's head like a baseball. He dropped on impact, letting the Wolfos leap on top of his downed form. "Shame on all of you for not doing that earlier."

Link miraculously managed to survive this. Afterwards they walked up a ramp which looped around Snowhead Temple and entered through the front door. "This place doesn't have half the grandeur of _my_ temple," Odolwa scoffed, shaking his head at the small room they had come into.

A swarm of white Boes attacked, but they were barely even a challenge to the group of eight. Goron Link pushed a block out of the way, bringing them to a room with three doors. The door on the left was locked and the central door was covered in magic ice. "What way should we go?" Tatl sarcastically asked.

"Left!" Link approached the left door, drawing his Kokiri Sword. "This lock should be no problem for me, the master of unlocking!"

_Link obtained the title "Master of Unlocking"_

He stuck his sword in the lock and erratically jerked it back and forth, an expression conveying his conviction to the others. After a brutal snap that made several wince, Link happily tried to open the door. It stayed firm.

"Let's go the other way," he said, hastily sheathing his sword before anyone else could see it.

The next room contained a hole with lava bubbling at the bottom. A bridge of wooden planks was at their level although there was a gap in the middle. Several statues of ice were periodically blowing cold air across the bridge. "I'm scared," Link whimpered.

"This looks long enough for you to roll across," Tatl said. "Curl up, gain some speed, and jump the gap."

Goron Link nodded, curling into a ball and rolling at the small ramp just before the gap in the bridge. He rolled right over it and plummeted into the lava. "Hey, it doesn't hurt!" Link exclaimed, his rocky limbs being unhurt by the fluid. "Hey, look, a fairy!"

Kotake appeared from nowhere and snatched the stray fairy from its hiding spot, shoving it in her sack. "One down, fourteen to go!" She saw another hiding below a rock and gave it the same fate that she gave the last one. "Two down, thirteen to go!"

Tatl ground her teeth together, hissing out, "Don't start that again."

This time, Link sped up enough for spikes to burst from his body when he rolled. He easily cleared the gap and crashed into the wall, stopping his rampage. "I made it! What do you have to say _now_, Ganondorf?"

"I never had anything to say." He floated across the gap, narrowly avoiding a Freezard's breath.

Bongo Bongo stuck his eye through the next door. "You guys need to see this!"

Link peeked through the door. "Wow! It's huge!"

Odolwa jumped across the gap and pushed them aside. "What's so-" He stopped upon seeing the five story tall room that towered around them. On the levels above them there were more bridges that could be crossed by a Goron jump and the single floor below was rocky with pools of lava in certain spots. "Oh COME ON! Why didn't Woodfall have one of these?"

"It looks like the Gorons have more architectural ability than the Deku Scrubs," Tatl said as she gave him a small pat on the back. "You got the worst temple."

"No!" Odolwa immediately snapped. "My temple is much better! It had a giant wooden flower, magical elevator platforms, carnivorous plants, poisoned water, and black Boes in every dark corner!" Gohma saw something on the lower level and dropped down there. "What does this thing have? A pit of lava and a really big room? Just watch, you'll see!"

"Oh my god! They're everywhere!" Everyone looked down to see Gohma and a stray fairy surrounded by at least a dozen Red Bubbles, bouncing skulls covered in red fire.

Kotake dove into the swarm without hesitation. She swerved around the bouncing monsters and grabbed the stray fairy, pulling it from the chaos. "Three down, twelve to go!"

"Does she do that every time?" Bongo Bongo asked Tatl.

"Yes."

After this they ventured into the only room that was not blocked off by ice and found a key. With this key the locked door in the first room was unlocked, and the moment they stepped inside they were ambushed by two white Wolfos. A Goron punch to the spine defeated one and the other was crushed by Bongo Bongo's fist.

Link opened the treasure chest sitting in the open, pulling out a small compass. "I found it!" he exclaimed, showing the blue object to the group.

"Yay!" Ganondorf dully cheered. "Another compass! Now we know what direction we're facing."

"And the location of the eleven remaining treasures, as well as the boss door on the fourth floor," Link added with joyfulness.

Ganondorf took the compass from his hand, looking at it. The needle turned to face north. "I'm starting to think that you just plain enjoy fucking with my mind."

"It really does tell us that, honestly!" Link took the compass back. "There's one that way, another that way, and two that way! The rest are on the upper floors."

After two more rooms the group had progressed to the second floor of the main room, bringing their stray fairy count to six along the way. After the sixth capture Tatl convinced Kotake to go off on her own to search for the fairies, saying that the group was slowing her down. The icy witch agreed, claiming, "You all progress slower than King Dodongo's profit."

Link had gotten used to jumping across gaps as a Goron, and did so to reach a door. He was about to go through it but suddenly stopped and looked at the other door in the room. "I get the feeling I should go into that one."

"What's wrong with this way?" Ganondorf asked, looking through the door. He saw Kotake inside chasing a fairy through the air. "Okay, other door."

With one more Goron jump they were at the next door. Inside was a small square room with four black panels, one near each corner. "According to the compass there's a treasure chest in here," Link said, looking at the compass. Ganondorf peeked over his shoulder to see it pointing north.

One of the panels shined blue, and a wrinkly blue monster with a staff appeared on it. Tatl looked at it, squinting a bit. "Is that a Wizrobe?"

"Looks kind of like one," Ganondorf said.

"Smells like one too," Koume added.

The Wizrobe brought its staff above its head and began to dance, spinning rapidly. It stopped and swung its staff through the air, sending a ball that froze Link and Koume in a block of ice. Gohma shattered it for them as the Wizrobe disappeared into the panel.

The Wizrobe began to appear from the panel opposite the first one. Odolwa readied his sword and charged at it, but the creature disappeared into the panel as he came close. It appeared from a different one, sending its ice at Odolwa. Before it could disappear Link quickly pulled out his bow and fired an arrow at it. He missed.

"You definitely suck with that," Tatl said.

"He'll always miss if they aren't on fire," Gohma grunted as she looked around the room, waiting for the Wizrobe to reappear. "Everyone take a panel! If we cover them all it won't have time to attack us!"

Ganondorf stationed himself beside one panel, Odolwa went to another, Bongo Bongo went to the third and Gohma went to the fourth. Link and Koume stayed in the middle so they could use ranged attacks. The Wizrobe began to appear from Gohma's panel but quickly retreated back into it as she swung. An arrow came from the centre of the room, hitting Gohma in the eye and stunning her.

"Sorry!" Link yelled. The Wizrobe came from that panel again and froze Gohma.

"Mom, defrost her!" Ganondorf ordered.

"Don't talk to me in that tone. I raised you to disrespect everyone _except_ your mother and I, not to talk like that to me."

"This is not the time!" He dodged a blast of ice. "As much as I love being a man in his late twenties who is still scolded by his mother, we have a dangerous situation to deal with so that will have to wait."

"That's the problem with talking to you; it's never the right situation in your eyes. Whenever I try to get through to you, to help you solve your problems, you just push me aside and say that it's a life or death situation. Honestly, I just think that you don't like talking to me! Is that it? Then just say so!"

Ganondorf glanced at the battle that was taking place. Gohma had escaped from the ice and was helping Link, Odolwa and Bongo Bongo try to knock the Wizrobe off of a panel. Bongo Bongo had just torn one from the ground and when the Wizrobe came out of it it fell right off. Unfortunately they had angled this horribly and it fell right onto another panel. "We really should help them."

"Dodging the topic again I see!"

Ganondorf screamed out in frustration. He tore another panel from the ground and when the Wizrobe came out of it he smashed it against the wall, crushing the monster and killing it instantly. "There. It's dead. Now we can TALK. YOU WANT TO TALK? LET'S TALK!"

"Hold on a minute. I smell fire!"

A chest materialized in the middle of the room seconds after the Wizrobe's defeat. Inside were... fire arrows!

"Da-da da daaaaa! You got fire arrows!" Odolwa announced. "You can use them to shoot arrows that will burst into magical flames!"

The group re-entered the main room (Koume and Ganondorf were ignoring each other) where they once again encountered Kotake. "Eight down, seven to go!" she cackled.

"Well," Tatl groaned, "at least I missed one."

The fire arrows could apparently melt the magical ice as they went right through a block of it, the ice turning to a puddle in seconds. The stairs to the next floor led directly to a locked door. "There are probably places that we already went to that we can use the fire arrows to get to now," Bongo Bongo said.

"Really?" Ganondorf pretended to gasp. "I never would have guessed with all the iced off doorways we saw on the way up here!"

"I can see why you have so many enemies."

So they went to the first floor again. The first room they found was the one with the lava and Freezards, so Link decided to shoot them all with fire arrows so that he wouldn't have to put up with them ever again. He shot one between the eyes, another in the temple, and the third through the back. They all melted and a chest with a key appeared.

Link picked the key up, looking at it. "That was quick. Too quick..." He looked around suspiciously. "Something's not right, I can feel it."

"You fell into the lava and aren't in your Goron form," Gohma commented. "That feeling is your burning flesh."

After exploring the first floor a bit more and melting some things with the fire arrows they found even more stray fairies.

"Nine down, six to go!" Kotake said after the ninth one.

"Ten down, five to go!" Kotake said after the tenth one. It is also worth noting that Link was being attacked by flying pots as this one was obtained.

"Eleven down, four to go!" Bongo Bongo said as they found the eleventh one in a completely new room.

"Dammit, not another one," Tatl groaned.

Link loudly yawned. "It's the middle of the night and we've been running around for hours. Can we please take a sleeping break?"

"Okay. 'Night!" Tatl punched him in the temple, knocking him unconscious. When he woke up a half hour later Link felt strangely refreshed but couldn't remember why.

"I still haven't seen anything too impressive," Odolwa lazily commented as they approached another switch. "All I've seen are lava, a big room, and some ice." Link put on the Goron Mask and hopped onto the switch, preparing to pound it. "I think my temple wins."

Link pounded the switch. Almost immediately the temple began to shake, and the floor in the middle of the main room began to rise. It became a large pillar that went all the way from the ground to the top floor. Odolwa said nothing.

-On the third floor-

They unlocked the door and entered the next room. It was a foggy chamber with a floor that was covered in snow and had several mounds of snow moving around. Wait a minute...

One of the mounds burst from the floor, revealing its eyes and arms to the group. "Aru ada dittu va du da," the Eeno said to them.

Ganondorf nodded. "Yeah, we don't speak that language."

Tatl groaned, slapping her forehead in exasperation. "In the Eeno's dialect, the word 'language' means that you're going to kill their children and eat their siblings."

The enraged Eeno somehow made a snowball three times its size and threw it at Ganondorf. The Gerudo king punched through it, sending snow flying in all directions. "So you want to play it that way?" He held up both hands and created a ball of glowing black energy. The ball exploded as he threw it, becoming five swerving balls which all decimated the Eeno.

As this was happening, Kotake found a fairy. "Twelve down, three to go!"

Up the stairs in this room was a very different room. It was made purely of grey bricks and seemed to be charred in several places. "This room has a strange feeling to it," Tatl said. "Everyone, keep your guard up."

As if on cue two Dinofols emerged from around two corners. They both sauntered over to the group, their swords drawn.

"All the monsters we encounter are either really brave or blind," Ganondorf said as he glanced over their large group of monster warriors.

One of the Dinofols opened its mouth and blew a stream of fire at them while the other moved in to attack up close. Gohma swung at it but it jumped over her, attacking from behind. However, this was right in front of Bongo Bongo. He grabbed the Dinofol and threw it head first onto the stone floor, knocking it out cold.

The other Dinofol tried to fight them all on its own but it too was defeated, this time by Koume and Kotake. They set it on fire, froze it in ice, and then did both simultaneously. Kotake then kicked it in the head while Koume set it on fire again. The Dinofol tried to fight back but its fire attacks were stopped by Koume and when it tried to get in close Link came out of nowhere and stabbed at it. It soon passed out.

"Easy stuff," Ganondorf commented.

Both Dinofols coughed up stray fairies which Kotake grabbed. "Say it Bongo Bongo!"

"Okay... Fourteen down, just one more to go."

The group was able to cross the middle of the main room over the top of the pillar. "This is really high," Odolwa said, looking over the edge. "I bet that if one of us fell we'd splatter all over the ground."

"Unless you hit an edge," Bongo Bongo added. "Depending on who it is they may break in half."

"Good point. I'm looking at you in that case, Link."

The only unlocked door on that floor led to a large room that had six panels on the floor. "I'm having a strange sense of déjà vu," Gohma said. "I get the feeling that we were in a situation similar to this just a few hours ago. Link, do you also get this feeling?"

"Not really. My memory before my nap is all really fuzzy. Did we fight a giant smurf?"

A second Wizrobe appeared from a panel, looking over the group. It did a dance like the other one before fading from their vision. "The same mid-boss twice, how unimaginative," Odolwa scoffed, shaking his head.

Tatl flew over to his head. "You had a frog guarding your boss key. I don't think you should be bragging about mid-bosses."

"Okay everyone, we're going with the same plan," Gohma said. "Take a panel, all of you!"

All members of the group took a position beside one of the six panels, with only Koume and Kotake staying in the middle for long range support.

After numerous minutes of simply standing beside the Wizrobe's panels and not seeing it Ganondorf said, "It isn't coming up."

"You need to be more patient Ganondorf," Koume said. "You always were impatient. You are also lazy."

"No!" Gohma snarled. "Do not start this shit again in the middle of a battle!"

"I see no battle," Odolwa said, resting his sword on his shoulder. "It knows we're here and it's not going to come up if we just stand right where we can hit it."

"Well we have to do this. Remember how badly things went last time?" Gohma snapped, not expecting the Wizrobe to spring up before her. Before Gohma could attack it flew off of the panel, running through the air to another panel, and then another, and another, and another, and then all the way back to the first where it disappeared again.

"When I look back," Tatl said, "it does make sense that the Wizrobe can actually move."

The Wizrobe appeared before Link. He stabbed at it, but his blade went through the creature without spilling a drop of blood. More Wizrobes appeared from every other pad, each semitransparent, and proceeded to air-walk from panel to panel, filling the whole room with ghostly Wizrobes.

Bongo Bongo swung his hands through several of them before he managed to reach a baffling conclusion. "None of them are real. What's it doing?" From the swarm of creatures came a ball of icy energy that hit Link and froze him solid. Koume assisted him.

"One of them is," Gohma said. "Just start swinging!"

This plan did not work well... at all. No matter how often they attacked the swarm the true Wizrobe was able to avoid the hits and wound most of them with its magic. "Gohma your plan sucks!" Ganondorf roared. "I'll take care of all of them!" Ganondorf began to rise into the air, his body glowing yellow as he gathered his energy. He bellowed a war cry as the power gathered to his fists and he struck the ground, filling the room with an explosion of magical energy. It was not enough to kill anyone, but it sent all in the room flying into the walls and disrupted the Wizrobe's illusions for a moment. Their foe quickly recovered, recreating the apparitions and joining their swarm as the heroes recovered.

Gohma pulled herself to her feet. "Genius, absolutely genius! Why didn't I think of creating an explosion that indiscriminately hurt allies and enemies, creating a minor inconvenience to the Wizrobe? Nothing could go wrong! That has to be-"

"I get it," Ganondorf interrupted. "I have to admit that it really vented some stress. I feel _much_ better now."

"Guys," Tatl said, her eyes locked on one of the many Wizrobes. "I know which one the real one is."

Odolwa readied his sword. "Tell me which one it is. I'll gut it like a porcupine!"

"You don't get to talk anymore."

Kotake looked at the many Wizrobes while Link was frozen again. "How can you know which one is real when even my eyes can't find it? My eyes are the best, isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes! I remember when you could see a needle in a haystack with one eye closed and the other continuously waving in front of the other one," Koume said, remembering such a time. It was a jolly time full of laughter and thievery. They were the thieves of course.

"That story is from two hundred years ago," Ganondorf muttered to himself.

Tatl scowled. "I know because it has a huge ass bruise covering half of its face."

"Oh," Kotake said, looking in again. "Oooohhhhh, _now_ I see it! It's so obvious, I am so senile sometimes."

"You still can't see it."

"Be silent or I'll freeze you to your very soul!"

"As opposed to my just plain soul of course."

Link pulled out his bow and took aim, shooting a fire arrow right into the Wizrobe's chest. It exploded in a shower of flames, sending the monster sprawling onto the floor. "Wow, that was a good shot," Tatl praised as Gohma, Odolwa and Bongo Bongo ganged up on the downed Wizrobe.

"Of course! When it comes to fire arrows, I have perfect aim," Link bragged, twirling his bow and not telling them that he completely missed the Wizrobe that he had aimed for.

_Somehow this was my longest chapter so far and the second longest chapter I've ever written. It seems like the chapters where I worry about the length of them when writing turn into personal record breakers._


	18. Cold, Calculating Machinery

_Happy five years to me, happy five years to me! I want to send out a thanks to everyone who has ever read any of my stories, because if no one ever read these things then I probably wouldn't have been here for so long. After looking back at some of my... older stories that I don't want to mention I can see just how much things have improved over the years. I honestly never thought I'd still be writing now. Let's hope that many more years of happiness come!_

_Without further ado, here's the chapter on one of my favourite bosses simply because it's fun to ram a spiked ball into its ass: Goht!_

_Published May 22, 2010_

**Cold, Calculating Machinery**

"Now we need to get up there," Tatl said as they looked up from the middle of the central chamber. The last door was above them and seemed to have no visible path leading to it.

"This is going to sound like a crazy idea," Ganondorf began, "and I'm certain that you'll all think I'm nuts, but couldn't we just _fly_ there?"

"There's a flaw with that plan," Gohma grunted. "Link, the main protagonist, and I, the best fighter, won't be able to get there because _we can't fly_!"

Ganondorf waved off this comment. "We can take on the big bad meanie without you two for once. Just hand me the key and we'll go."

Link reluctantly gave Ganondorf the Big Key that they had found after beating the Wizrobe and those who could fly went off to battle whatever stood beyond that door (aside from Kotake, who decided to search for the last fairy). This left Link, Gohma and Odolwatrying to find a way up there while Tatl stayed with Link. "Did anyone else notice the blue segments of this pillar?" Odolwa questioned. "Maybe we can punch them out and create a lower path."

"That's a stupid idea," Tatl snapped. "We're going to punch the giant pillar of rock? Of course! Let's get right on that!"

"Okay!" Goron Link hopped down a level and cocked back his fist at one of the blue parts. He punched it will all of his strength and it went flying out, smashing into pieces against the wall.

"That just broke at least two laws of physics..."

-In the Boss Room-

Ganondorf, Koume, Kotake, and Bongo Bongo found a large mechanical bull featuring a human face and beard that was about King Dodongo's size waiting for them. Sadly it was frozen in ice, making the meeting anticlimactic. Moments later the rest of the group entered. "How the hell did you get here?" Ganondorf asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We punched the pillar!" Link exclaimed, a joyous smile spreading across his face.

"Oh right, how did we never think of that? Now that you're here, defrost this thing so we can kill it."

Link struck the ice with a fire arrow and it slowly began to melt, revealing their mighty foe.

**Goht  
**_Masked Mechanical Monster  
_Likes: Forrest Gump  
Dislikes: Robot stereotypes  
Distinguishing Characteristic: Runs on Windows 3.0

"You have made it far, farther than I had expected," Goht's rough, mechanical voice growled to the group before it. "I will not hold back at all. Prepare yourselves for- Odolwa? Why are you consorting with the enemies?"

"It's a long story... Actually, why am I with you guys?"

"You started following us and never left," Ganondorf explained. "You can leave if you want."

"Nah, I'm good," Odolwa said. "You know Goht, we don't need to kill each other in a fight. You could just surrender since you're really outnumbered and all that crap."

"Quality over quantity," Link proclaimed. "I've always wanted to say that!"

Odolwa glared at the Hylian through his mask. "Whose side do you want to be on?"

"Enough of your petty conversations," Goht interrupted. "Odolwa, you have betrayed our creator and I will make it my own duty to rid the world of you and all of these miserable worms!"

"If you had said 'insects' I would have been somewhat less offended," Gohma stated, cracking her knuckles. "Even frogs or fish would have been better. But worms? Come on, how cliché can you get?"

Goht did not dignify that with a response, charging at them at full speed. Odolwa and Link dove out of its path and watched the machine crash through the wall behind them, continuing to stampede down the tunnel.

"All it's doing is running away," Ganondorf scoffed, slightly relaxing as the noises of Goht's running grew fainter.

Bongo Bongo pulled back a fist and punched through the wall that was behind Goht's starting position. "I think the tunnel loops," he said as Goht's footsteps began to grow louder again. It soon emerged behind them, sprinting at breakneck speeds in their direction. Bongo Bongo tried to grab it but was thrown to the side on impact with it. Gohma and Koume dodged while Link tried to shoot Goht and Ganondorf attempted to strike it with dark energy. Neither succeeded.

"That's it!" Link put on his Goron Mask, curled up and rolled after Goht, erupting spikes after a few moments. He began to gradually catch up and Goht noticed this. It started to kick up rocked behind it, slowing down but at the same time slowing Link's pursuit. Not even he was sure how he could see when curled up and rolling so fast.

Goht passed the starting point again, notably missing everyone. It was Link who crashed at full speed into Odolwa's back, heavily injuring the jungle warrior. "Link you bastard, watch where you're rolling!" He kicked the Goron in the face.

Goht stopped just beyond them, turning around and facing the heroes. It gathered electricity in its horns and blasted a bolt, hitting Ganondorf in the centre of the chest. He staggered but recovered quickly thanks to magic and whatnot. Gohma was the next target with the lightning but it simply glanced off of her shoulder.

Link curled up and began to roll at Goht again. Seeing the threat it turned and ran, trying the same tactic again. Unfortunately for the boss Link had had a head start, letting him quickly catch up. He began to bash it in the back of the knees with his spikes, causing Goht to stagger and get hit with even more attacks. It shot lightning forward and somehow the electricity turned around and hit Link, knocking him onto his back and letting Goht run forward again.

"Surprise!"

Odolwa leaped from an alcove, shoulder checking Goht into the wall and stopping the rampage. Because metal on metal would probably break his sword he settled for just grabbing Goht's head and smashing it against the rock wall. Goht struggled, throwing Odolwa to the side but being caught off guard again when Gohma and Bongo Bongo began to attack.

Link soon caught up and, upon seeing his allies engaged in mortal combat, ran up to Goht to punch it in the kneecaps. When he threw the punch, Goht twisted and hit him in the back, deflecting his blow so that it hit Gohma in the eye, stunning her again. Goht used the opening to fart out a bomb that exploded with twice the power of Link's own bombs, blowing everyone away. It began to run again.

Gohma struck Link very, very hard. "STOP HITTING ME!" she roared, hitting him again.

"Hy-po-crite," Tatl sang, floating around Gohma's head. Gohma swatted her away.

"Okay, this isn't working," Bongo Bongo said to them all.

"It was working perfectly!" Gohma snapped. "We just have to catch it again and then have Link _not_ do anything."

"I agree with this plan," Odolwa piped in.

"I do not!" Koume roared, blasting the ground with fire for no real reason. "This is an ice temple, so the big baddie must be correlated with ice. We need to burn it with fire! Fire will solve almost every problem but no one thinks of using it until I bring it up. What is wrong with all of the young people from today? I swear, you have no common sense." By this time Goht had lapped around, hitting Koume head on and taking her out of the battle for a while.

They went silent for a moment. "All in favour of the previous plan?" Gohma asked.

"Aye!" everyone yelled, including Link.

Goht continued to run, noticing that the circular tunnel had become very quiet. It concluded that they were planning an attack and chose to be cautious while proceeding.

As Goht passed the alcove Link rolled after it, covered in spikes as he slowly caught up. Goht heard him coming and farted out another bomb, effectively stopping his pursuit. It quickly turned around and charged at him as he was down. "Abort!" Link yelled, running away from the pursuing beast. "Abort!" Goht bent down and flung Goron Link into the air with its horns. As he bounced off of the roof and come back down it swatted him into the wall.

"Wretched worm," Goht commented as it approached the injured protagonist. "I will grant you the gift of death."

"W-wait!" Link took off the Goron Mask and placed the Bomb Mask on his face. "Come any closer and I'll blow this thing up!"

"A foolish threat. I defecate explosives; do you really believe that I fear explosions?"

Tatl quickly flew in between the two. "You make it sound much classier than it really is," the fairy said. "But... this isn't just any bomb! It's... a big one that can level this whole temple if it goes off! You really don't want us to detonate it."

Goht didn't even need time to think of something to say. "You are currently the only ones attempting to stop the creator's plans. I do not believe that you would kill yourself and let the world go to ruin," it retorted.

"Well... Your face looks stupid!"

"Surprise!" Odolwa dropped from above, landing on Goht's back and grabbing onto the horns. "I can't believe this worked twice!"

As Goht tried to buck Odolwa off, it was quickly surrounded by Gohma, Bongo Bongo and Ganondorf. Unluckily, Goht began to run with Odolwa still on its back. He yelled at the machine, hitting it several times to no effect. Whenever the ceiling hung low Goht jumped, shattering the rock on Odolwa's face. "Stop hurting me!" Odolwa screamed, barely about to see through the intense agony. "It hurts so much when you do!"

Goht stopped immediately and the weakened Odolwa was sent flying off.

At this moment Kotake came in through the door. "I found it!" she announced. "It was behind a wall that wasn't really there!" Odolwa landed limply at her feet. "What in the Omnipotent Sand and Sun Goddess of the Gerudo Tribe's name is going on?"

Odolwa slowly raised his head from the ground, some drool falling from his mouth. "Three little maids from school are we, pert as a school girl well can be, filled to the brim with girlish glee..." He collapsed again.

Koume flew over to her sister, ignoring the almost dead jungle warrior. "Kotake, let's do it!"

"All right!"

"Koume and Kotake's Double Dynamite Attack!" They fused together to create the deadly Twinrova, a slightly larger witch who can use both fire and ice attacks. Goht analyzed the situation for a moment before charging at Twinrova without hesitation. Twinrova blasted a streak of fire at it before summoning a wall of ice in its path. Goht was engulfed in the flames and, unable to see through it, crashed head first into the ice. It broke, but Goht was stunned by the impact. As it was down Ganondorf began to attack its rear with dark energy while Gohma and Bongo Bongo used blunt impacts.

Another bomb blew them back, letting Goht run and get some ground between them. "Those bombs are pissing me off!" Gohma roared, smashing the ground in frustration. "Next time we get it I'm shoving your foot up its ass!"

"Wait!" Everyone stopped and turned to see King Dodongo standing heroically at the entrance. "I have come to assist you all in your time of need!"

"I think we've almost won," Tatl said. "It has a lot of smoke coming from its body and we've hit it a lot."

"It matters not! Move aside!" He pushed Twinrova out of the way. "I will end this right here and now! Enemy, come face me!"

"Out of the way you little brat; I just got in on the fight!" Twinrova snarled hitting King Dodongo. He didn't budge.

Goht walked from around the corner, staring Kingy down. "So another annoyance comes to challenge me. Very well, I shall comply with your request and end your life right now."

King Dodongo tilted his head back at the group. "Such a bundle of joy, eh?"

Goht began to charge at King Dodongo. The Dodongo grinned and curled into his own ball, rolling forward while slowly gaining speed.

"He's not going very fast," Gohma commented. "Bongo Bongo, give him a boost."

Bongo Bongo pushed King Dodongo as hard as he could, sending the ball at Goht at almost equal speeds. They were mere metres from collision and everyone watched intently for the outcome, to see who won. Just before impact King Dodongo uncurled and pounced into the air, falling with his limbs spread and bringing Goht to the ground with his superior mass. "I win!" Just to make sure he grabbed one of Goht's legs in his mouth, trapping the machine.

"Congrats, Kingy!" Gohma sarcastically exclaimed. "You've trapped the almost defeated mechanical bull."

He growled at her in response.

Odolwa skipped over and leaned over Goht's trapped body. "Do you surrender yet?"

"I have calculated that with the damage I have sustained there is no hope of escaping my current entrapment. Your side has won this battle Odolwa, but you will surely fail when you go against Gyorg."

"Don't care." Ganondorf tore the mask off of Goht's face, revealing that its face below was identical in all aspects. "Now how do I release that giant?"

"You've seized Goht's remains!" Odolwa exclaimed. "You have just freed the innocent spirit that this dark mask had kept imprisoned within the body of evil Goht!"

"Don't you mean _the_ evil Goht?" Tatl asked him.

Odolwa thought for a moment. "Yup. Looks like the script had a typo in it."

"What script?"

The mask began to glow and a flash of light stopped the conversation. Link, Tatl, Ganondorf, and Twinrova all found themselves in the giant's realm again, all the bubbles and endless waterfalls included. "Where'd everyone else go?" Link asked, looking around for the rest of his friends.

In the distance another giant was silhouetted in the clouds, hidden from view. It began to roar like the last one and Tatl translated it again. "Thank... you... It says thank you."

"I noticed," Twinrova scoffed. "So what exactly is that thing?"

It began to roar something else. "Guar... di... ans... They're guardians, protective gods who watch over the land I assume."

"The guardians of Termina sure are pathetic to be trapped by some imp with a mask," Ganondorf said, shaking his head. "Hey, guardians! How did that pipsqueak get you like this anyway?"

"Be... ware... the... mask... Beware the mask? I know that it's powerful, but if we take out the Skull Kid then things will be all right... Right?" The giant did not answer. In fact, the world began to fade, putting them in the Mountain Village with the rest of the group.

-Dawn of the Second Day, Mountain Village-

It appeared that all the snow and ice had been flash-melted. The grass was green, the flowers were healthy, and birds and insects were thriving despite it only being early-mid spring.

"Where were you guys?" Bongo Bongo asked seeing as King Dodongo was still restraining Goht, Odolwa was talking to Goht, and Gohma didn't care.

"The giant's realm," Link answered. "It turns out we need to beware the mask!"

"So," Odolwa said to the trapped machine, "do you know anything about the fourth member of our group of misfits? I don't know a thing about 'em."

"Negative," Goht said. "Gyorg and you are the only ones who I have been given information on, the last one remains undisclosed. It is my belief that they are a last resort to the creator."

"Probably." Odolwa left Goht and approached the rest of the group. "So I think Goht could be pretty useful to us," he said.

"There's a bit of a flaw with that idea," Tatl immediately responded. "It tried to kill us!"

Odolwa waved off this concern. "That's just programming. Now that we've freed the giant she doesn't really care what happens. We may even be able to get some words through that thick skull of hers!"

"Wait, her?" Ganondorf glanced at the machine. "But there's a really big beard..."

Odolwa chuckled lightheartedly. "You have no idea how often me and Gyorg made fun of that."

_Also, the last chapter got 3 or 4 reviews on the day it was released. I was surprised by how quickly it had happened._

_Now it's time to finish up my other update for today..._


	19. Paradox

_I love the Gilded Sword. I hate the Goron Racing. How are they so much stronger than Link?_

_Published May 28, 2010_

**Paradox**

King Dodongo threw open the doors to his new locale. "Come one, come all, and give me all of your money!"

Tatl blankly looked at the business they had just entered. "This is a Powder Keg shop." A Goron the size of Medigoron lay in front of them with a pile of explosives resting behind him. He sent a small wave in their direction.

"I'm working on expansion."

Goron Link walked into the shop and was instantly spotted by not-Medigorron. "Hello, you there!"

Link looked around, seeing Gohma and Koume at his sides. "Me you say?"

"Yes, you. Just by looking at you I can tell that you're the type of guy who appreciates the fine art of blowing things up."

"Well, I'm not one to brag..." Gohma snorted. "...but yeah, I'm pretty good at making things go boom and fly everywhere."

"Well how would you like the chance to use the Goron's special Powder Keg? All you would need to go is undergo a very minor test..."

Link nodded. "Okay! What do I do?"

-Minutes later-

"OUT OF THE WAY!" Link roundhouse kicked a Wolfos, which had previously been enjoying the scent of spring, off of the bridge and into the lake where it slowly drowned. He continued running without missing a beat, carrying the lit and very high powered explosive over his head. "Must... blow... up... boulder!"

He ascended a slope, seeing the Goron elder's son standing beside a large boulder with a bemused expression upon his face. "Oh, Darmi!" he exclaimed. "The Goron races should be starting soon, but someone blocked off the way there-"

"MOVE!" Link kicked him as well, despite not even being in the way, and threw the Powder Keg at the boulder where it almost immediately detonated. Link paused long enough to wipe the sweat from his forehead. "Whew, that was close!"

"Wow!" the elder's son exclaimed, distracted from the blow he had just been given by his 'hero'. "That was cool! Come on, if we don't hurry the race will start without us!"

Link perked up, ignoring his amused companions. "Race?"

-In the Goron Racetrack-

"And why exactly can't I join?" Goht questioned, staring down the Goron who bravely stood before her. He did look ready to soil himself, but that is beside the point. "I can run. Even if you don't approve of my entry, I _will_ run. And there will be blood."

"Okay, you can go in!" the Goron whimpered.

The race began. Five Gorons, as well as Link and Goht, all lined up at the start line and waited for the signal which signalled the start of them passing the start line. The signal signalled, and they were off. Link sped from the gate and rapidly gained ground, spikes erupting from his body and tearing through the rock below him. Somehow, the normal Gorons caught up with ease and one bashed Link, stunning him enough to make him retract his spikes and leaving the other Goron completely unharmed. "That didn't make-" Link was run over by another Goron and even though they were in the same state Link was thrown through the air, landing on his back. "Hey!" He got up and tried to roll again but another Goron knocked him down. "That's just-" Goht trampled Link as she dashed ahead.

Goht quickly caught up to the speedy Gorons, her charge crushing the one at the back into the ground and almost killing him. The other three tried to increase their speed but found that they were already going all out, leaving them simply waiting for the incoming monster. Goht struck the second one with her horns, sending it flying into a bomb flower and almost killing that one as well. The third bailed, swerving off of a bridge and into the pit below.

Link, back to full speed, hit the first Goron and went tumbling through the air, somehow taken out of his spiked form. "That doesn't make sense!"

"Goht sure can run," Tatl commented.

"Yup." Odolwa watched as another Goron was shot with a bolt of electricity. "They say that the road to victory is covered with the blood of your enemies after all."

"Who said that?"

"Ganondorf I believe."

Link somehow made his way to Goht's position. By now they were the only two left and were at the final stretch of the track. Goht snarled and curved at Link with the intent to leave him as mangled as the others. Link swerved underneath her, emerging on the other side. "I don't wanna die!" he cried.

Both went through the last gate, hitting the finish line at the same time. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have what seems to be a tie!" the announcer exclaimed, once again bringing to light the argument of the existence of female Gorons. "Our top scientists and race analyzers will now decide which of these two got first place, and who will get the gold dust!"

Tatl flew over to him. "They're in the same group, so it really doesn't matter and you can just-"

"NO! We must find out who the true winner is! Will it be the machinelike, efficient Goht with 700 horsepower? Or will it be that Goron guy you've all grown tired of hearing about: Darmani?"

"Hey!"

Tatl just grabbed the gold dust and the empty bottle it was contained in. Remember, that sentence made sense in the game's context! "Let's just go."

-Dodongo's Tavern/Powder Keg shop-

"Well done!" not-Medigoron exclaimed. "Here is your license and, as a prize for survival, a Powder Keg that's on the house!"

As Link accepted the rewards, Tatl asked, "How often do people fail if you've resorted to giving a prize simply for living?"

"All the time." He turned to Ganondorf. "Hello, you there!" Ganondorf grunted. "Yes, you. Just by looking at you I can tell that you're the type of guy who appreciates the fine art of blowing things up, particularly annoying fairy boys."

"Meh."

"All right!" Link exclaimed, hoisting the Powder Keg over his shoulder. "Now let's go to Zubora and Gabora with this gold dust!"

-Mountain Village-

"So why are you still sticking around?" Gohma asked Goht upon noticing her presence.

"All that I was required to do was guard the Snowhead giant, but now that I have failed I am obsolete. My presence will no longer be needed by the creator. I have deemed this group worthy of investigation and intend to see what Odolwa finds so interesting about you all."

"Either stop talking like that or I'm tearing your throat out."

King Dodongo jerked his head in their direction. "Cat fight!" The one eyed barbed scorpion and the bearded mechanical bull both stared at him.

Hylian Link went into the shop and showed Zubora the gold dust. "My my, that is very high quality gold dust right there!" he exclaimed, looking at the glittering dust. "Show me your sword." Link wordlessly handed him the Kokiri Sword. "I see, I see... It would take until tomorrow morning to turn this into a sword capable of being melded with gold dust, and then another day to make that one."

"I see the problem," Link said, crossing his arms and nodding wisely. "After all, by then we'll all be dead."

"What?"

"Do not fear, I have a solution!" Link played the Song of Time.

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"What the hell did you do that for?" Tatl hit Link over the head, ignoring the screaming pedestrians and panicking town guard.

"We need all three days to merge my sword with the gold dust," Link explained. "So I sent us back in time so I had the three days!"

"Good idea kid," Ganondorf said, scowling. "But why didn't you feel the need to warn us about your future plans?"

Odolwa turned to Goht. "You see-"

"The ocarina has the ability to twist the fourth dimension of the universe to a certain degree using that song, letting us jump back to a marked point in time at the user's leisure. I analyzed it during the jump."

"You're no fun..."

Link played the Song of Soaring and brought the large group to the cold, snowy Mountain Village. "That's not right..."

-Snowhead-

It seemed that they would need to defeat Goht again to let spring come to the mountains again. No one aside from Goht was sure how this worked and none intended to interpret her explanation.

This was not the largest concern in Ganondorf's thoughts. He thought back to the fight with the Wizrobe and the huge amount of dark energy he had unleashed in his rage fuelled attack. At the time he was in the midst of battle and did not think about it but that was far more energy than he had used to have in his body. Somehow he was getting more... power.

Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!

He glanced at Link as he used to Skull Cracker to open the way to the temple again. Maybe with this power, he could get what he wanted.

In the first room of the temple, a beam of light hit the floor and opened a strange white portal. Link ran into the light without even thinking and found himself in the boss room. Soon the others followed after Gohma got tired of their hesitation and shoved everyone except Bongo Bongo inside. As you know, Bongo Bongo is massive and impossible to push. He went in on his own.

"There you are," Odolwa said, looking at the block of ice that held another Goht.

"Two, two Gohts! Ah-ah-ah," Kotake cackled to herself.

King Dodongo's eyes widened. "Or maybe... there were two all along!"

Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!

"That's stupid," Tatl snapped. "You're stupid."

Link's eyes widened as well. "Or maybe there is still only one!"

"Negative," Goht said from behind him.

King Dodongo gasped, looking back and forth between the two Gohts. "What if there's an entire army of them and that masked thingy guy is planning to send them all out at once in this huge stampede that will kill us all? Only the large ones like me and Boingo will survive, only to start an underground resistance movement that will over time grow larger and larger until we lead an attack on the army of robo-bulls. They'll just trample everyone again and a lucky hit will take out Bongo Bongo leaving just me alive. I'll get away from the battle and corner masked thingy guy and we'll have a climactic-"

"Masked thingy guy, eh?" Tatl interrupted. "You certainly have a way with words.

"I don't know what his name is so either give me money or screw off."

"Enough!" Ganondorf roared, a spark of dark energy blasting off of his shoulder. "Defrost it and kill it so we can move on!"

Goht-two was thawed. "You have done well..." She stopped talking, seeing Goht standing in the group of monsters. "This does not compute at all!"

"There is a logical explanation," Goht said to Goht-two.

"As long as there is an explanation, I am fine with it."

Goht-two charged at them but was stopped by King Dodongo. "Wait! What if touching each other destroys the universe?" he yelled, clearing panicking.

"There is no basis behind such a theory," Goht-two said.

"The creation of a copy due to time travel results in two identical yet separate beings. Contact will have regular results," Goht explained. With that, they fought. As I'm sure you don't want to read a similar fight twice, they managed to defeat Goht-two after several minutes of fighting. The last blow, instead of subduing her, made Goht-two go berserk and crash head first into a wall. This weakened the wall and forced a pile of boulders to crush Goht-two, destroying the time clone.

-Mountain Village-

Link showed Zubora his gold dust and sword again. "Hmm... I can have it forged into a form capable of merging with the gold dust by sunrise. It will cost one hundred rupees in total."

"I don't have that on me. Can you do this as a favour for a fellow... humanoid?"

Zubora snapped his fingers and Gabora roared into the air, approaching the Hylian.

"I know someone who can get me those." Link stuck his head out of the door. "Hey, Kingy! Can I borrow a hundred rupees?"

"I'm broke now you asshole! All the rupees on me disappeared when you went back in time!" A tree smashed into Link's face, knocking him unconscious. When he woke up, he decided to go to _another_ person...

-West Clock Town-

The banker sniffed the air around Link and his companions. "I don't smell any rupees on any of you. Sorry, I don't do loans."

"I have an account here," Link said, much to Tatl's annoyance. "It's me, Link!"

The banker looked at Link's forehead. "Oh, Link! You currently have 225 rupees in your account."

"I'd like to make a withdrawal of one hundred rupees."

"Hold on a minute!" King Dodongo roared. "So whatever we have on us disappears, but if someone else is holding it then it's fine?" No one answered.

The banker's demeanour became pained when he thought about parting with his precious rupees. "I suppose I can part with some of the preciouses... I just finished up with these ones, take them." He passed Link five red rupees.

Tatl flinched. "Ew."

-Dawn of the Third Day, Mountain Village-

Odolwa dropped behind Link the moment he was out of the Mountain Smithy. "You've received the Gilded Sword! Newly forged, your sword is better than ever and will never break! Also, Zubora stole the 90% of the gold dust that remained, I watched him."

"Really?" Link struck a boulder with his much longer gold and blue sword.

"It'll break if you do stupid shit like that again," Ganondorf said, shaking his head. "Kids these days don't know about craftsmanship anymore."

"I agree!" Koume exclaimed. "Kid these days are so stupid."

"I also agree!" Kotake said. "They don't respect anything anymore."

Gohma chuckled at Ganondorf's pained expression. "Looks like hating kids is hereditary."

"Be silent. I am not like those senile old fools so do not compare me to them!"

"Ahem!" Koume bashed his shins with her broom, catching his attention. "One of these 'senile old fools' can hear you!"

"Hey," Kotake sadly said. "I can hear him too! I'm just too far gone to comprehend the fact that he's insulting me. Our brains aren't meant to last 380 years..."

"Not this again... Kotake, we're 400."

"You may be Koume, but I know for a fact that I'm 380."

"We're twins! We're the same age, Kotake!"

"And that age is 380!

"I think you're getting senile in your old age."

"If I were senile then you would be too!"

"You don't just hit a certain age and go senile, Kotake! It's a complicated procedure caused by a chemical-"

"You just love to hear your own voice, don't you Koume?"


	20. The First Time Through

_After not writing a single thing for two weeks I am back with a longer than average chapter to make up for it. Yaaaaaay!_

_Published June 13, 2010_

**The First Time Through**

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"Can we take a break?" Link groaned as the group of monsters sent the town into a panic. "I mean, I haven't slept in so long."

Tatl shrugged. "I suppose a short break couldn't hurt," she said. "Right Goht?"

"Despite travelling through time, sleep is required so that you do not overstress your brain. Too much stress could result in mental fatigue," Goht robotically reported.

"I love this guy."

While Link was happy that they could rest, several others were unsure of what to do now. "Hey Gohma, you're a Deku God, right?" King Dodongo asked his long-time friend.

"Yes..." Gohma hesitantly answered, suspicious of this sudden question.

"Can you tell some of them to come to my bar?" He shoved some pamphlets into the monster's 'hands'. "Just hand these around."

"I'll get right on that."

Most of the monsters of the group decided to spend their break outside of Clock Town and they agreed to meet at the south gate on the third night. Link learned about the presence of an inn and decided to get some sleep in a nice, comfy bed. Apparently, he already had a reservation there and got in free of charge. "I could get used to Termina!" Link exclaimed as he ascended the stairs.

"Aren't you a bit confused as to why you have a reservation already?" Tatl asked him.

"They've obviously heard of me and my heroic adventures. After all, who hasn't?"

"You mean those adventures that apparently happen in five years in an alternate timeline?"

"Yeah, those ones."

As they entered the room its glaring flaws became obvious. The paint was peeling off, the window was cracked, and for some reason an entire section of the wall was almost completely torn off. "I suppose you get what you pay for," Tatl muttered.

Link spent a few seconds processing this. "But we didn't pay anything."

"Indeed we did not, Link. You have succeeded in finding the punch line."

"Yay!"

Several hours later, Link decided that he was now fully revitalized and was ready to explore the town – real exploring this time, not just wandering around looking for new masks. When he entered the lobby he found the innkeeper Anju and the postman talking at the front desk.

"Ah! Um... um... What is this?" Anju exclaimed as he pulled out a letter.

"This is a letter!" the Postman screamed, shoving his arm forward and almost punching her in the face in the process. "It has been given to me to deliver to you, a delivery that I have now done!"

She cautiously took the letter. "W-where did you get this?"

"This delivered letter was obtained from postbox P02 in the South Sector at exactly 8:04 am."

"Who sent it?"

"A person."

"That's not what I meant! Who was this person?"

"They were a person with hands that are capable of writing this letter to you."

"I know that, I meant-"

"DO NOT STALL ME! IT WILL DISRUPT THE SCHEDULE!" The postman leaped into the air and roundhouse kicked her through a wall. "I MUST DELIVER!" He jogged out of the room.

"We need that guy on our side!" Link exclaimed as he looked at the hole in the wall.

"Have fun recruiting him."

Link left the Stock Pot Inn in pursuit of the postman. He almost immediately noticed him heading into the mayor's house, hopefully to deliver a letter. Inside the house Link followed him into the room with Madame Aroma and that Zora who Link couldn't remember. Link unfortunately bumped into the postman on his way out of the room. "Do not DISRUPT THE SCHEDULE!" Link wasn't sure what he did, but he knows that he woke up an hour later.

"Are you all right?" Madame Aroma asked him.

"I'm... not sure. Where am I?"

"Say, are you by any chance the expert person-finder I hired?" Madame Aroma asked, not concerning herself with the brain trauma that Link had just received.

Link didn't seem to care either. "Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at finding people."

Tatl rolled her eyes. "Yes, you're such a modest person."

"Yes, you have the look of a pro with you!" Madame Aroma exclaimed. "The person I want you to find is my son, Kafei. He disappeared about a month ago."

"You certainly rushed to get help," Tatl commented.

"At first I thought he was just playing hide and seek and got carried away again, but after two weeks I felt that something was wrong. I'm so worried that I can't ever get food down my throat. I think I've lost five pounds!"

"And we can tell that that's such a devastating blow to a person of your stature."

"I had a mask made to look like him," she continued, unaware of Tatl's commentary. "Use it to ask around."

Link received Kafei's Mask! "Wow, a mask!" Link exclaimed. "It... looks like a white slate with blue hair."

He then ran around town wearing it, trying to figure out the mask's hidden function. The Great Fairy's Mask drew in fairies, the Bomb mask blew up, the Bunny Hood made him run; who knew what this one could do? Link's favourite idea was that it could shoot lasers from the very large eye holes but that hadn't yet yielded results.

After a tiring day of running around trying to shoot random people with his hypothetical eye lasers Link returned to the inn for a break. Anju gasped as she saw him wearing Kafei's Mask. "You're looking for Kafei too?"

"I'm whating for who? Oh right, Coffee. Yeah, I'm looking for him."

-Elsewhere-

With a blast of energy Ganondorf obliterated the top half of a mountain, the debris being sprayed across the canyons below. "Make sure to clean up when you're done," Kotake reminded him.

The Gerudo King ignored her; he was too focused on the abilities he seemed to suddenly possess. "It's remarkable, simply remarkable! The power flowing through me is unlike anything I've ever felt! I don't know how I'm become so mighty, but I must put this newfound power to good use. Still, if all of the others come at me at once I don't doubt that they can defeat me. However, if I were to get the ocarina and travel through time, leaving the rest of them to die with this country, I will be unchallenged in might. Then, with the Triforce behind me, no one will be able to stop me from getting my washing machine!"

Koume flew over, circling his head. "And once your pants are clean, you will use that power to bring glory to the Gerudo tribe, right?"

"Yes, yes, all glory to the Gerudo tribe." Ganondorf paused. "Were you listening to all that?"

"Of course, there's no way I could not listen. You were monologuing really loudly."

-Night of the First Day, Stock Pot Inn Kitchen-

"I'm sorry to bother you so late at night," Anju apologized to the unhappy Link and an annoyed Tatl. She would be sleeping if she didn't know that Link couldn't handle this kind of thing on his own.

"No problem," Link grunted. "So tell us what you know of Kafei."

"Well, I received a letter from... him."

"You mean the postman? From what I saw that's not all you received."

"No, I mean, yes, I received it from the postman, but the letter is from Kafei. Strange, isn't it? Getting a letter from a missing person..."

"For all we know he went into hiding because of something really embarrassing," Link suggested.

Tatl smacked him. "Continue."

Anju sighed. "I've written a letter in response. Please put this in a postbox. When you've done that, when he gets the letter... You should be able to _meet_ him!"

"Why did you stress 'meet'?" Link asked her. "It wasn't very nec-" Tatl punched him in the side of the head.

"When you meet him, please tell him that Anju is waiting for him. After that, please tell me how he looked."

Tatl glared at Link. "If you just put on the mask and say 'like this' I will cut you up and feed you to King Dodongo." She turned to face Anju. "And you, was it _really_ necessary to have this meeting at _midnight_? You could have just as easily talked about this _before_ or _after_ we had to sleep. Now my sleep schedule is all messed up!"

"You weren't complaining about that when we didn't sleep for days," Link muttered. He just doesn't learn.

-In the Southern Swamp-

Deep in the poisoned swamp that the Dekus resided in was a very unhappy duo that consisted of Gohma and King Dodongo. The two trudged through the muck, their skin thick enough to protect them from the poison. "So tell me again why I had to be paired up with you of all people," Gohma growled as she stepped on an Octorok.

"It's because you love me that much," King Dodongo joyfully said. He then kicked a frog. "Well, there's that and how I want to spread some business to the Deku Shrubberies."

"Really?"

"Yup, really."

"So it has nothing to do with the bet you, Odolwa and Bongo Bongo made on how long it would take for me to try to murder you?"

"Not even a bit."

"Ah." They continued walking. "You do know that I could kill you and with this swamp the way it is no one would find the body for years."

He slowly nodded. "I do now."

"And after living here for so long I know all the places where I could lead you, places where no one would even hear you scream."

He nodded again. "I never even thought of that."

"Do you feel uncomfortable?"

"A little. Getting scared though."

"Good."

-The Second Day, East Clock Town-

Link and Tatl stood impatiently under the Stock Pot Inn's awning as rain bombarded the city. They stood in silence for an immeasurable amount of time. "So..." Link finally said. "It's raining."

There was a silence. "Yup," Tatl finally answered. "Looks like it'll be going for a while."

More silence. "Say," Link began, "how will we know when or where to meet Kafei?"

Neither said anything for several minutes. "This is stupid," Tatl finally decided. "We're spending our break being the middle man between Anju and Kafei."

"Everyone else is probably having so much fun."

Meanwhile, Odolwa and Goht were merrily prancing through a field of flowers, their faces covered in the biggest smiles known to man as Bongo Bongo played his bongo in the background. Unknown to them was the fact that the _flowers were covered with bees!_

Once the rain died down Link and Tatl wandered aimlessly around town. "Hey," Link said as they watched the postman give a kid wearing a yellow fox mask a letter in the laundry pool. "Doesn't that kid look a lot like the Kafei mask? The hair is identical."

Tatl looked over the blue haired kid. "Yeah, the resemblance is uncanny." She noticed Link's blank stare. "They look the same. Let's confront him." Link gave her another blank stare. "We're going to walk up to him and ask him if he's Kafei."

As they approached the two the kid seemed to grow uneasy at their presence. Suddenly, the postman jerked around to face them and screamed, "You are in my scheduled path!" He charged the duo, delivering a harsh roundhouse kick that Link quickly blocked with his shield.

**Postman  
**_Disgruntled Civil Servant  
_Likes: The Schedule  
Dislikes: Those who oppose the Schedule  
Distinguishing Characteristic: Batshit insane

Link fought valiantly as the postman attacked but was ultimately overwhelmed by the man's larger stature and his swift, unpredictable strikes. His attacks only became more powerful as he realized that he was seven seconds away from being behind schedule. The postman went nuts and attacked even more mercilessly; he almost broke the Hylian Shield in half with one of his blows.

"Holy shit," Tatl gasped as the man jogged away from the badly beaten Link. "That guy's unreal."

Once Link recovered he noticed that the boy was gone. As there was only one door in the area he chose to just walk right in.

After going up a flight of stairs they saw the mask wearing boy waiting for them. "Green hat, green clothes... Anju wrote about you in her letter."

"At hat is a piece of clothing," Link interrupted. Tatl predictably punched him.

"Yes it is. So it seems you are looking for Kafei."

"Yes," Tatl said. "And I get the feeling that you're Kafei."

"W-what? What makes you say that?" the boy stammered, clearly not expecting them to have guessed that.

"Well, you have an identical haircut and receive the letters that were addressed to Kafei so... you're obviously Kafei."

He sighed, removing his mask and revealing his face to them. "Yes, I am Kafei."

Link looked over him. "From all the talk, I expected you to be a lot older than you are. You know, like an adult or something."

Kafei looked down at himself in shame. "I was turned into this by a strange imp wearing a mask"

"Oh, that's just the Skull Kid," Link said, waving it off. "He's just a prankster who found a mask containing untold amounts of dark power, but we're dealing with it."

"So I'm going to assume that you don't want to face everyone like this and are trying to find a way to heal yourself," Tatl analyzed.

"No, I'm not hiding because I look this way," Kafei said, instantly shooting down her theory. "While I was going to the Great Fairy for help a precious mask – my wedding ceremony mask – was stolen by some prancing bald man."

Tatl shrugged, not seeing how this was such a big problem to her. "Well... You're just careless. You're like my sidekick."

"The Great Fairy wouldn't have done anything anyway," Link added. "She- Hey!"

"I just want to tell you that Anju had us running all over town trying to find you," Tatl said while glaring at the child. "Because of that I am drenched, my hair's gone curly and in case you didn't know it is _really_ hard to fly with wet wings." She shook, the water spraying across the room. "Rainstorms are nightmares for us fairies."

"You being _wet_ isn't very much compared to me being turned into a midget!" Kafei snapped. "I'm a kid who's supposed to be getting married in two days but has lost his ceremonial mask to a smiling bald man. You're a fairy whose hair is curly yet you're both too small and too covered in a blue glow for anyone to ever notice."

"I can see it and that's what matters."

Kafei saw that this was going no where and decided to get to the point. "What I wanted to say was that I promised Anju I would greet her with the wedding mask. I can't go back to her until I've found it."

"You could have contacted your friends and family first and said that you were okay and just looking for this mask. It would have saved us a lot of time and effort." This was said by Link, surprisingly.

"They would have tried to convince me to come back, I know it. The letter I just sent to Anju was to tell her to wait for me tomorrow, that I would come with the mask." He reached to the pendant that was around his neck and removed it, handing it to Link. "Give this pendant to Anju and please don't tell her anything."

"I won't," Link promised.

"I may," Tatl grumbled.

Kafei looked up at a small lens on the wall to their right. "Things that get stolen always end up at the Curiosity Shop. The owner is a good friend of mine who is letting me stay back here, letting me look at the customers that come in until I see the man who stole my mask. Go ahead, take a look."

Link peeked through the lens. He saw the owner of the Curiosity Shop scratching himself on the other side. "Charming."

"He'll be here, I know it," Kafei continued. "When he is, I'll be watching."

-Night of the Second Day, Stock Pot Inn-

Link limped into the Stock Pot Inn at dusk, narrowly avoiding another run-in with the departing postman. "Did you see him?" Anju anxiously asked him, leaning forward slightly.

"Yup," Link answered. He tossed her the pendant the Kafei gave him but she missed the catch. Oh well.

"This is Kafei's pendant," she exclaimed, staring at the pendant as she held it with both hands. After a short moral dilemma she sighed. "I'm going to wait for him. I believe that he will come."

Link returned to the Curiosity Shop's back room. "She's waiting for you, said something about believing and trust and all that stuff."

-Dawn of the Final Day-

"I feel like we should be doing something," Tatl said as she floated around their hotel room.

"Nah," Link said from within the confortable blankets of the bed. "This is fine to me."

After a few hours they decided to visit Kafei as it was the last day before the moon crashed into Clock Town and killed everyone. It was not Kafei they found in the back room but the owner of the Curiosity Shop. "Huh, you that green hat kid?"

"Yes I am," Link proclaimed, striking a pose. Tatl floated away, too embarrassed to be in his presence.

"I gotta say, I've known Kafei since he was real little – I mean genuinely little, not like he is now. But when he showed up looking like he does now, I didn't even know what I was seeing! But once I looked at that Keaton Mask he was carrying I knew it was him."

"Wasn't it a bit hard to believe?" Link asked him.

"Nah. In this wacko magic world of ours, there's probably weirder out there. Besides, I gave him that mask a long time ago when he was little for the first time. Didn't know he kept it in such good condition for so long though..." He paused. "I'm not sure why, but I wanna give this to you." The man pulled out a Keaton Mask, the yellow fox mask that Kafei was wearing, and gave it to Link.

"Wow, thanks!" Link exclaimed as he secretly hoped that this was the mask that shot lasers from its eyes.

"No problem, I got like twenty of 'em. Also, Kafei said he wanted you to take this to his mother." Link also received a letter.

"Speaking of Kafei, where is he?" Tatl asked the man.

"A customer came to my shop last night," the shop owner began. "The moment the little guy say him he just took off after the guy, runnin' as fast as his little legs can carry him. Kinda funny to watch actually. He's actually a regular of mine, a thief named Sakon. Never liked the guy to be honest. He gives off a bad vibe and always shows up with the strangest stuff. Still, it's good stuff and you can't be picky with a small business like this so I accept it all of course."

"Speaking of which, what kind of stuff do you sell here?" Link asked him as he tried to work his mask.

"The kind of stuff no one else will buy."

"Like food? No store buys food, they only sell it."

"Sure, why not."

-Night of the Final Day, Milk Bar-

"I have absolutely no idea why we're going in here," Tatl snapped at Link. "Seriously, why?"

"I can't find Kafei's mom so we're checking everywhere," Link explained to her. "Maybe she'll give me the mask that shoots laser beams from the eyes!"

"Dammit Link, that mask doesn't exist! It never will!"

Sure enough, Madame Aroma was sitting on one of the stools. "Oh, you're the one who was looking for Kafei," she droned, sipping a bottle of cold milk. "How'd that go?"

"I have a letter from him," Link said, handing her the letter.

Madame Aroma put her milk down and opened the letter, slowly reading it over. "So he was kidnapped by ninjas but is safe now? That's good. Here's your reward for making sure my son was okay." She turned back to the bartender and ordered a bottle of Chateau Romani, the rarest and most expensive milk there. The bottle was then given to Link.

"Milk? My reward is a bottle full of milk?"

"Yes it is."

"No mask that shoots laser beams?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't have that."

"Does the milk shoot laser beams?"

"I don't think so."

Link went to sulk in a corner while drinking his surprisingly tasty milk. "Link, we were supposed to meet the others almost an hour ago," Tatl told him.

"But I want a laser shooting mask..."

Tatl growled and punched him in the side of the head. "Stop sulking, get out of that corner, and go meet the others right now or I swear I'll shatter that bottle and jam the glass shards right into your pupils! GO!"

-South Gate-

"Someone took their sweet time," Gohma grunted as Link and Tatl finally arrived at the location.

"SO," Odolwa abruptly shouted, cutting Link off, "I see that you have Kafei's Mask, the mask that looks like Kafei; Keaton's Mask, the mask that can call small yellow foxes if you spin attack in those moving bushes while wearing it; and another bottle that has Chateau Romani in it."

Link pulled out all three of them at once. "Now that you mention it, I got a lot of free stuff!"

"Those things are just going to be useless space fillers," Ganondorf commented. "When will you ever use either of those masks?"

"Just wait until I get them to shoot lasers..."

_As a side note, I had to do most of this sequence twice because I missed the meeting time with Kafei. They really should have given a signal for when you can go into that door that at any other time of the day is locked._


	21. Split up

_With that I am out of school for the summer. I just had my last exam today and it sure was easy. Now it's time for some shameless self-promotion!_

_On my profile is a list of things that I really hate to see in stories, so if you plan on making on please check it out and take some of them into consideration because I'm sure that I'm not the only reader that hates a lot of these things. Now it's time for the chapter!_

_Published June 24, 2010_

**Split up**

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"So our next stop is either the Great Bay or Ikana," Gohma said, ignoring the usual pandemonium that their entrance caused. "Since I'm filthy right now I vote the Great Bay."

"To the Great Bay!" Link exclaimed, heroically pointing south.

-Milk Road-

"This isn't the right way," Tatl stated as they reached the road's entrance. "We'll be at the ranch if we keep going this way."

"Nonsense," Link said, waving off her claim. "I've travelled enough to have a sense of direction, right guys?"

Gohma and King Dodongo snorted loudly, holding back their laughter. "Whatever you say, captain," King Dodongo sarcastically said. "I think I'm gonna go to that beach part of the field for the hell of it. Have fun at the 'Great Bay'."

"I'm going with him," Gohma said. "Who else wants to go to the beach instead of the 'Great Bay'?" Everyone except Link and Tatl announced their desire to go to the proper location with the others.

Tatl sighed to herself as she watched everyone walk away to continue the adventure. "I hope they don't need any of the many, many items that we have accumulated so far."

Their trek to the Romani Ranch was stopped when they found an immense boulder blocking the road, not leaving even a tiny bit of space to squeeze by it. "It looks like an obstacle," Link said.

"Thank you Link, your observations are greatly appreciated. It looks like we can't go this way anymore, so let's meet up with the others back at-"

"You stand no chance rock as I AM BARINADE!"

The rock was shattered by a single strike, the soaring in all directions. The one who shattered it was a large... thing that walked on three tentacles despite how it held a large steel hammer in one of them. "What a pathetic naturally occurring force of nature! You thought that you could stand up against the mighty, fearless, unstoppable BARINADE? Your hopes misguided you!"

"Hey Barinade," Link greeted. He approached the monstrosity with Tatl cautiously following. "It's good to see a familiar face."

Tatl looked up at Barinade. "...Face?"

"It is always good when I am seen," Barinade exclaimed before randomly smashing a nearby rock apart with his Megaton Hammer. "Have I missed anything important?"

"Not really," Link told him. "We've only done two of four temples so this is where things begin to pick up."

"Good, very good. I would hate to know that you had to go through all of the torture to come without the assistance of the great BARINADE!"

Tatl winced. "Do you really have to scream your name at every possible opportunity?"

"Of course not," Barinade answered innocently. "But I, BARINADE, shall do so regardless of _need_. By the way, who are you? You are not Navi or Gate."

Link gestured toward both of them. "Barinade, meet Tatl. Tatl, meet Barinade."

"Hello."

"Nice to meet you."

"To the Great Bay!"

The man who had been hacking at the boulder with a large pickaxe watched them walk through the opening. "At least I get paid."

-Romani Ranch-

"This isn't the Great Bay," Link said, clearly shocked by this turn of events.

"I was curious why you announced your intentions of going to the Great Bay then went toward the ranch," Barinade interjected. "Now I see that you haven't changed much."

"While we're here, you should get your horse back," Tatl suggested with the intention of tying up that loose end.

Link agreed and he approached the spot where Epona had been kept last time. At the location was the same girl but unlike before she didn't seem to be drooling and brain dead. In fact, she was running around and shooting at targets using aim that only Link with a flaming arrow seemed to possess. "Howdy stranger, welcome to the Romani Ranch!" she said with a heavy yet very unconvincing western accent. "I've always wanted to do that," was added in a normal voice.

"Hi," Link said. "You know, I've always wondered why no one ever reacts badly toward the giant monsters that usually travel with me."

"I've seen bigger. Anyways, I'm Romani, named after this ranch. Who're you all?"

Barinade laughed into the air, a thunderclap sounding in the background. "I, pathetic mortal, am perfection. I am the incredible, merciless, unchallenged, sexy, powerful BARINADE!"

"I'm Link, the Hero of Time," Link said, completely unfazed.

Romani slowly stepped away from Barinade. "So you're a hero, are you?" she said to Link, obviously unconvinced but willing to play along. "Ya sure do have a lot of green on you. I'm gonna call you Bullfrog. You kind of have this jump to your walk, so Bullfrog it is!"

While they spoke Tatl flew over to one of the targets that had been struck by an arrow. "Why are there yellow dots painted on this?" she yelled over.

"I'm making it look as much like _them_ as I can," Romani said, her tone becoming deathly serious at that instant.

"Do you hate someone with yellow eyes?"

"No. It is because tonight _they_ are coming. _They_ come at night every year when the carnival approaches. _They_ ride down in a bright, shining ball. There are dozens of _them._ _They_ have these glowing yellow eyes..." She tried to imitate glowing eyes using her hands. "... and these thin, clawed arms." She stuck out her arms like a tyrannosaurus. "Then they come to the barn and steal all of the cows." Tatl slowly nodded, now convinced that this girl was nuts.

"You forget to stress 'they' that time," Barinade interrupted.

"Whatever. My sister won't believe me even though the cows get abducted every single year and they're pretty easy to see. But I know _they_'re there and will protect the cows this time! I've been practicing my aim for two years and can hit a specific leaf in a tree from a hundred metres away, but if you want to help then you're welcome to. Wanna try?"

"Of course," Link answered heroically, surprising Tatl. She didn't think he was _that_ stupid. "A hero must help all who need him and it helps that I love milk. Count me in."

"That's the spirit!" Romani cheered. "Team huddle!" She pulled him into a huddle as though she was trying to hide her strategy from _them_. "_They_'ll appear all over the place from a bunch of spawn points and will come for the barn. _They_'re slow, so just shoot them before _they_ get in. Don't forget that _they_'ll come from around back too. Last time _they_... just went around me. Now go practice. I'll let you ride Fingermuffinsaucerword." Romani released Epona from her outdoor stall and led the horse over to Link.

As Link and Romani trained, Tatl and Barinade stood off to the side making some small talk. "So what brings you to Termina?" Tatl asked.

"I owe a certain someone money," Barinade answered. "No one in Hyrule has even heard of Termina though. He'll never look here!"

"Yeah. Hyrule sounds like it kinda sucks."

After Link shot down a bunch of targets from Epona's back (taking around three minutes to do so) Romani called him over and taught him her horse calling song. Seeing as it was just Epona's Song and he already knew it he had at last retrieved his horse. "Meet me here at two tonight," Romani said to him. "That's when they'll strike!"

-Great Bay-

"What vile water," Barinade spat as he looked repulsively at the brown water before him. "Morpha would be disgusted right now." Epona dipped a hoof in the water only to pull it out a second later, shaking her head and naying disapprovingly.

Tatl gazed out at the water, quickly seeing something white floating in the distance. "There's something out there. Hold on, I'll check it out." She flew over the water and in spite of almost being eaten by a seagull the fairy returned with news. "It's an unconscious Zora."

"Probably swallowed some water and passed out," Barinade said. "No worries."

"He was covered in blood."

"I see. Link, go retrieve the body!" Barinade ordered, pointing his Goron made hammer into the water.

"But it's gross," Link complained. Regardless of how whiny he sounded it was a legitimate worry.

"BARINADE COMMANDS IT!" Barinade grabbed Link by the head and flung him into the bay. The screaming Hylian landed a large distance away from the unconscious Zora. "This is why I am a close range fighter. One of the best, however."

Link struggled through the murky water, his equipment making it almost impossible to stay afloat. He would have been talking to himself about how gross it was if he could keep his mouth above the water. The tattooed Zora weakly raised his head as he saw Link approach. "Please," he gasped, "get me to sh-!" Link grabbed the buoyant Zora and climbed onto him, pushing the dying man underwater. The Zora struggled and eventually threw Link off.

"What's going on out there?" Tatl asked, squinting to see Link and the Zora.

"Go and see for yourself."

Tatl did that, flying over to Link. "What-" Link reached up and grabbed Tatl by the legs, frantically trying to stay above the surface. "LET GO OF ME!" the fairy roared, struggling to kick him off.

Barinade put his hammer down and began to walk into the water. Things were all up to him.

-Several minutes later-

The anemone tossed Link, Tatl and the Zora to the shore just before climbing out of the murky bay himself. "Be glad that I exist. Now what the hell happened to you?"

The Zora rolled onto his back, groaning in pain as the sand filled his wounds. "I am Mikau of the Zora people... guitarist in the Zora band. I think this is it for me..."

"Don't be so negative," Tatl said. "We just need to get you some medical attention. Where are the rest of the Zoras?"

"Far out... in the sea," Mikau gasped.

"Ah. Yeah, this is probably it for you. Sorry."

"Will you... listen to my final message?"

"Of course," Link answered, leaning closer to the dying man.

Mikau struggled to his feet and pulled out a guitar made from a dead fish. "One! Two! Three! Oh, baby, baby, listen to me!" he loudly and energetically sang. "The carnival's beginning soon. We're the ones they're waiting to see."

Barinade quickly snatched the guitar from his hands. "Stop that. You're the guitarist for a reason."

Mikau fell to his knees; standing had taken a lot out of him. "Our singer laid her eggs... the Gerudo pirates stole them and she lost her voice from yelling about it a lot. Me and this big group of monsters I ran into... we went in to get them back... but they were caught in a trap and the pirates just beat me... and threw me into the bay."

"That must be the others!" Tatl exclaimed. She paused for a moment. "They were kidnapped by pirates. That's different."

-Gerudo Fortress-

"I'm hungry!" King Dodongo roared as he punched at the roof of their cage. "Open this thing up and feed me!"

A Gerudo opened a small slit on the roof so she could look at him. "We're not falling for that one again," she snapped. "You've been down there for thirty minutes. I know you're not hungry." The slit was slammed closed.

King Dodongo turned back to Gohma, Odolwa, Goht and Bongo Bongo. "It was worth a shot."

-Great Bay-

"Please rescue the eggs," Mikau begged. "Please get them back..." With that, he fell face first into the sand and stopped moving.

Link looked at the fallen Zora. "Do you guys think that playing the Song of Healing will make him into a mask too?"

"I'm surprised that worked the first time," Tatl commented disbelievingly. "I wouldn't push your luck for it happening twice."

He played the Song of Healing regardless of her opinion. Mikau, on the brink of death, began to feel himself slip into the darkness. It was strangely peaceful and he left the world with no worries at all. Of course Link would get them back, why wouldn't he? He would have been much more worried if he had known Link personally.

"Ta-da!" Link picked up the Zora's Mask from where Mikau's body had been before. "I told you it would work. He held it into the air in a sign of victory. Almost immediately after doing that a seagull swooped from the air and snatched it out of his hands. "Hey!"

Barinade watched Link shoot arrows at the seagull for a moment before looking down at the spot where the Zora had been, clearly confused. "Explain now!"

Tatl cleared her throat and then smiled at the monster. "A Skull Kid stole a mask of immeasurable power and is using it to pull the moon from orbit with the intent of killing us all. To stop him, we plan to awaken the four guardian deities from Termina's temples but because there is only three days to do it we use a magical ocarina to travel through time as well as masks that can either transform your body or gift it with superpowers when they are being worn."

Barinade stared at her blankly, unable to create a coherent answer. He finally said, "If something as crazy as this is possible, why were you so sceptical about what that girl from earlier said?"

_I sure do rely on coincidental encounters a lot, eh? Oh well, what works works._


	22. Rescue Mission

_It's those multi-chapter dungeon chapters that usually come out so quickly seeing as it's a lot more trouble to escape the dungeon and save than to just keep on writing._

_Published June 27, 2010_

**Rescue Mission**

Zora Link, who barely even resembled Mikau, swam through an underwater tunnel that would lead them to the Gerudo Pirate Fortress. They know because the tunnel was blocked by a plank of wood with a pirate emblem on it. Tatl flew beside him as fairies seemed to have the ability of breathing underwater in their arsenal. Barinade slowly trailed behind them.

He surfaced when the tunnel began to curve upwards and climbed onto the land where he removed the Zora Mask. "We're here."

Before them was a lake full of water and surrounded on all sides by walls. Opposite of them was the metal fortress that their friends (friends being a very loose term) were held captive in at that moment. Some eggs that Link would grab if he saw were there too. To the side was an opened gate which went directly into the ocean.

"I thought there would be more security," Tatl said as she and Barinade caught up to Link. "Also, you swim really fast like that so slow down!" She punched his head again.

"Sorry... Let's go!" Link put the mask back on, painfully transforming into a fish person once more. He walked into the water but paused as the liquid began to shift. "What's that?" He began to back up.

The middle of the lake exploded and a giant hand made purely of water rose from the middle, coming at Link almost immediately. He screamed and jumped behind Barinade as the limb crashed into the spot where he had just stood. "Hello again." As the water began to seep back into the lake a single tentacle formed near the edge, a familiar ball inside of it.

"Morpha!" Link joyously cried. "It's good to see you again. You sure scared me for a moment. What a way to say hello!"

The water began to shake, mimicking Morpha's anger. "What, is the situation no longer scary now that you know it is _me_ controlling the water? You don't seem to fully grasp the situation at hand. The pirates are paying me to keep intruders out and if I had kind memories of you three I would have probably made an exception. Barinade, you tied me to that horse and sent me into unfamiliar lands without my consent!"

Barinade chuckled to himself. "We all had a laugh in the pub about it that night."

"Link, you continuously treat me like an inferior creature!"

"To be fair you _are_ a very simple organism compared to humans."

"Fairy, you helped kidnap me!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh heh," Tatl nervously laughed as she slowly floated back to where they had come from. "That's the past though, isn't it?"

"It was several hours ago!" Morpha sank into the water and began to form something new. "But now I am in power here. With this much water at my disposal no one will ever push around this small little ball-"

"Heh, ball..."

"AND YOU WILL ALL FEEL WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!" The water rose and the resulting wave crashed down on them. Barinade reacted just before it hit, grabbing Link and jumping onto the cliff above them. The water erupted into dozens of tendrils, all of which hit the rock around him and broke off the part Barinade was latched onto.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade threw Link into the air and began to discharge electricity from his body. The electrical monster jumped through one of the tentacles giving Morpha a short electrocution. He then caught Link and landed on a different part of the wall.

Tatl coughed up a bunch of water from their starting position. "Thanks for taking me into consideration ya jackass."

Morpha sent all of the water up at the cliff, the force pushing Barinade off and sending him into the controlled lake. "How does it feel to be the ones being thrown around?" Morpha laughed from his position in the middle.

Tatl floated over to him, circling the ball. "Do you really expect them to answer?"

"Of course I do. Why would I ask otherwise?"

"Trust me when I say you're not getting an answer."

Barinade released Link and they split up. Link swam to where they had entered from and Barinade slowly swam toward Morpha. He was quickly grabbed by an underwater tentacle and was then thrown into a wall just as Link got out of the water. "I'll get back up!" Link yelled back, quickly jumping into the water to regroup. He had no Hookshit to get Morpha out of the water and with a body of water that large there was no chance of reaching him.

Morpha laughed to himself as he saw Link flee. "So he thinks that he is safe, does he?" Barinade suddenly sprang out of the water and grabbed Morpha, pulling him down. "Release me at once!"

"Your almighty attitude rightfully leaves once I, BARINADE, have you in my grasp!" A log that was wedged in the ground was pulled out by the water and then thrown at Barinade's head.

Link's thoughts were interrupted when something grabbed him by the ankle and began to pull him around the rock. He was pulled through water that was so murky that he couldn't even see though it and then through the lake's main gate, into Morpha's domain. "I recently learned that he has control of the ocean," Barinade commented from under the surface. "Things have taken a turn for the worst."

"Do you see my awesome power?" Morpha roared as he began to turn the lake into a whirlpool, dragging them in. "From the beginning you stood no chance. I have the world's water supply at my disposal and there is no way to stop it!"

Link struggled to the surface, resisting the whirlpool's pull. "I thought better of you, honestly," he gasped before being sucked down. Morpha quickly stopped the current and floated down to Link.

"Explain."

Link took a moment to compose himself. "This is really, really low quality water. It's cloudy, tastes like dirt and really has no redeeming qualities. I thought you had a good eye for water but if you're willing to use such bad water I've lost a lot of respect for you as a ball."

Morpha flinched at his claims, unsure of how to justify himself. "But... I... It's not _too_ bad."

"This water is awful," Link commented. "It hurts just to swim."

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade smashed Morpha with his hammer from behind, the hit sending him soaring through the air and landing on the rock ledge that they had come through.

He was dazed for a long time but after recovering from the intense blow to the head (aka his whole body) he realized what position he was in. Morpha was trapped on land, unable to use his powers anymore. "No! No, this can't be! I have more combat potential than the gods, I shouldn't be trapped like this! Return me to the water at once so I can kill you all!" Screaming did nothing so Morpha began to futilely try to roll into the water. He barely even budged.

"It sounds like someone needs a hug," Link exclaimed, swimming toward Morpha with a huge smile on his face.

"I need no hug you shape shifting mass of elephant shit! Get away from me!" Link hugged Morpha tightly making the ball feel even more demeaned than before. "Let go of me! C'mon, this is mortifying..."

Link put him down on the stone and patted the ball several times. "You wait here, we're going to rescue everyone from the pirates."

"No! I captured them in the first place!" Morpha cried as Link dove into the water. "LISTEN TO ME! Cease your actions at once! I am a god, why am I treated like this?"

Underwater, Barinade tore the grating from a large opening and the two swam into the fortress. They swam through the vent for a bit but soon Link saw something that caught his interest. "What's this?" he asked, walking (still underwater) over to a spiked ball that was chained to the ground and floated at waist height.

"It appears to be some sort of device," Barinade stated. "What its purpose is remains a mystery. Link, shoot it."

Link shot it with his Zora boomerangs and they harmlessly bounced off of the device, coming back to him. "It's pretty harmless. I want one!" Link grabbed the ball by a spike but the moment he touched it the ball viciously exploded.

"I, BARINADE, have discovered that it is an explosive."

They went through two mined rooms and arrived in a storage facility filled with many barrels. Link solved a timing puzzle and was rewarded with a piece of heart! "Yay!" Link exclaimed, holding the piece of heart high above his head. He lowered it, staring at the semitransparent object. "What does it do?"

After one more mined room (where Barinade asked why they would booby trap their ventilation system) they came upon a small round grate that was beside a switch. Link stood on the grate and shot the switch, finding himself rewarded by one of the most terrifying experiences of his life.

The boy screamed as the water blasted up from below him, slowly pushing him high into the air and nearly drowning him in the process. It pushed him up at least twenty metres, into the air and a spot where he was surrounded by mines. Link quickly bailed, jumping into the mines so that he could get away from the water pump. The water then died down.

"My turn!" Barinade stood on the grate and shot the switch with electricity, activating it. "Weeeeeeeeeee!"

They went through the next door and were finally in the inner fortress.

Barinade collapsed his skeleton so he could hide behind a few crates with Link. "If you were a pirate, where would you keep a group of giant monsters?" Link whispered to Barinade and Tatl.

"If I was a pirate I don't think I'd keep the monsters," Tatl said. "It seems like a safety hazard."

A loud crash caught everyone's attention. "FEED ME!" echoed King Dodongo's enraged cry.

"He's doing it again," one of the pirates sighed. "Someone go shut him up while I complain to Aveil again."

"Barinade," Tatl whispered, "do you think you can follow the one who's going to the others?"

"Of course I, BARINADE, can do that," Barinade quietly yelled. He readjusted his skeleton and began to sneak off.

"Where are we going?" Link eagerly asked her, looking up like a child who wanted chocolate.

"We're... looking for the eggs," she quickly answered. "So go wander around and don't get in Barinade's way."

"Okay." Link shot a passing Gerudo in the head with an arrow.

"That was a little cruel," Tatl commented.

"Come on, we gotta move or she'll get back up!"

"Wh- OH MY GOD, SHE'S GETTING UP! KILL IT, KILL IT!" Link quickly shot down the rising Gerudo as well as one that had come to investigate Tatl's screaming. He ran to the middle of the courtyard, followed by a very cautious fairy, and stabbed another one in the back as she slowly turned around to investigate the footsteps. By now the first two were up and patrolling like nothing had happened. Link began to scale the ladder that went to some kind of watchtower in the centre. At the top were a bridge (where he took out another Gerudo) and a door.

Meanwhile, Barinade learned very quickly that he wasn't very good at stalking people. The Gerudo he was following had heard him the moment they went indoors and he had to knock her out. Now he had no guide.

"I, BARINADE, must now find our compatriots on my own," he narrated.

"FREEZE!"

Barinade was surprised to see the Gerudo running at him, her spear raised.

"Bullshit! I bashed your skull in with a hammer!"

"We Gerudo are battle hardened warriors who can take punishment that make even the bravest men cry like little girls."

"That doesn't mean you should be able to take a forty pound hammer to the skull!" He knocked her out again.

As this happened Link and Tatl were staring at the wall that their current hallway led to. "There's no point to this room," Tatl stated blankly. "It's just a dead end."

"...And he never shuts up!" A voice drew their attention away from the pointless room to a small window that had been hidden from view. On the other side was type of throne room containing several guards, a nice couch where the throne would be, the leader of the pirates and... Ganondorf? "Do we even need these monsters?" the Gerudo from earlier was finishing her rant.

"Lord Ganondorf of the Hylian Gerudo has requested that we keep the monsters for a bit," the pirate leader told her. "I don't know why but just know that it's a diplomatic reason."

"I don't intend on keeping them here for long, Lady Aveil," Ganondorf said. "I just need them until their presence has lured a certain someone here."

Aveil nodded at this. "Yes, you desert Gerudo have a weird way of doing things. I guess that's why we broke off so many generations ago and became pirates here in Termina. Of course we haven't claimed as much territory as you have, having an entire desert country to yourself, but we're working on it."

Ganondorf blinked. "Y-yes. I knew that. Why did you just exposit so much?"

The door opened and another pirate entered, approaching the meeting. "I've been waiting for you," Aveil snapped, clearly knowing why this one was here. "Did you find the rest of the eggs?"

The Gerudo fidgeted under her gaze. "N-no. But that's because-"

"What?" Aveil interrupted, growing angry. "What are you trying to pull here? If people hear that the great pirates have lost their own loot we'll be the laughing stock of Termina!"

"But Aveil, the sea is strangely murky where we were attacked by the sea snakes. The eggs got hit overboard and we couldn't do anything-"

"Enough excuses! Now that the eggs are gone the Zoras are frantically searching for them. If we don't hurry, they'll get to them first!"

"Indeed," Ganondorf added, liking to think that he was part of the conversation.

"There are four eggs here now," Aveil continued. "Now go find those other three eggs before the sea snakes eat them!"

"Why did you announce the numbers?" Ganondorf asked her. He was of course ignored.

"Understood." The pirate began to walk away.

"Wait! The Zora eggs are the only clue we have about that dragon cloud floating over the bay. If what we were told is true, and we can get our hands on that treasure that's sleeping in the temple in there, then we can spend the rest of our lives living the good life! Now hurry and find them!"

Ganondorf turned to a guard. "Am I the only one who thinks that she just likes to hear her own voice?"

With the conversation over Kotake descended from above, dropping Morpha at their feet. "Do not just drop me!" Morpha snapped. "I will crush you all!"

"He's past the first wave," she cackled. "Isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes it is, Kotake."

Ganondorf stared down at Morpha, shaking his head in contempt. "Even with an ocean at your command you lost."

"I got hit from behind. It's not like I have eyes everywhere!"

"You had eyes to begin with?"

"So your enemy is in the fortress," Aveil said. "Tell us a bit about him."

"He's a kid dressed in green," Ganondorf explained to her. "He's about yay high and has a fairy with him at all times. He has a very important item, an ocarina, a family heirloom which I want back at any costs. It has little material worth but much personal worth to me."

"Son of a bitch," Tatl hissed, punching Link in anger. "Link, shoot that bee's nest!"

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

He complied, pulling out his bow and shooting a bee's nest that hung in the room. It split open and dozens of bees the size of your forearm began to attack the room's occupants. The Terminian Gerudo quickly ran from the room, blindly swinging their weapons at the bees to keep them away. Ganondorf reluctantly followed with Koume and Kotake tagging along. "Get back here, all of you!" Morpha roared from the floor. "They're just bees!"

"Now go down there get the egg." Link noticed that there was in fact a Zora egg in a tank in the room.

Barinade was growing irritated by the Gerudo pirate who kept trying to attack him. Every time he hit her with what should be all rights be a lethal blow she just got back up a few seconds later, not even a drop of blood spilled. "I know that I, the great BARINADE, am very compelling to hang around, but don't you have _anything_ better to do? Go raise the alarm, it will annoy me less."

Link casually greeted Morpha as he walked into the room. "Treasure!" he exclaimed, approaching the gold chest in the middle and throwing it open.

"Prepare to be disappointed," Morpha said, eagerly waiting for Link's reaction to the prize inside.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Link found his favourite weapon: the Hookshot, only this time it was gold instead of blue! "This is worse than Kae Gae."

"Why?" Tatl asked, confused about why having the spring loaded grappling hook was a bad thing.

"It has no range! If you want range you need the Longshot-" Link accidentally fired, watching the Hookshot extend out a surprisingly long distance. "Hey, this is a Longshot! Why's it called the Hookshot?"

He grappled onto a ledge above the tank that the egg was being kept inside. A random clam inside began to run into the tank over and over, making a very loud and annoying noise."Shut it up!" Morpha ordered. "That thing annoys me."

Link fired arrow after arrow into the tank but they all either missed or bounced off of the clam. "It isn't working! Why isn't it working?"

"You're pathetic. Throw me in there!" Link shot the Hookshot into Morpha, the blade at the end digging deep into his flesh before pulling him to Link. He was then dropped into the water.

Morpha ejected the clam from the tank, sending a tentacle out to smash it to pieces. He then grabbed Link in another tentacle and fired him into a steel wall. "You just stabbed me with a spring loaded hook!"

In another location, Ganondorf found himself confronted by Koume and Kotake. "Why did you lie about the ocarina?" Kotake asked.

Ganondorf grinned at the question. "An excellent question. You see, these Gerudo are dirty pirates who hold no loyalty to me, so if they knew that the ocarina was a mystical item that could control time and get the Triforce they wouldn't hesitate to take it for themselves."

"He's got a point," Kotake said to Koume as though she had asked the question.

"By telling them it is worth nothing, they are likely to stay trapped in their egg fantasies and not take it for themselves. I need that ocarina, and an army of pirates was just the thing that took out all obstacles in my path. Now Link is unprotected _and_ in the fortress. It's time for me to strike!"

Koume cackled loudly. "This is very similar to last time, only Link has no back up now."

"Last time? What do you mean last time?"

"Don't you know?" Kotake asked. "In an alternate timeline you became the king of evil, got defeated by everyone and sealed in the sacred realm."

Ganondorf paused, thinking about what Link and the others had said so far. "That actually explains a lot... Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"You never asked."

"Yes I did! Several times!"

In another location, Barinade had finally reached his limit of tolerance and just tore the pirate's legs off. "Now where are they?"

The floor below him shook violently, knocking him off balance. "GET OVER HERE!" King Dodongo roared, punching from below again.

Barinade saw a hatch that was large enough to look through and opened it, peeking into the pit they were kept in. "Well well, what do we have here?"

King Dodongo looked up at Barinade. "Rescue at last!"

"Not quite yet. Before I, BARINADE, liberate you I want you to call off that fifteen rupee debt that you go after so frantically."

King Dodongo turned away, growling, "I'd rather die."

"Then have fun in here everyone."

Gohma grabbed King Dodongo by the throat and pinned him against the wall, ignoring the size difference between them. "It's fifteen fucking rupees. Just call off the debt."

"Never."

Goht approached him, ready to bring logic into this. "King Dodongo, should you not forfeit your prize of a measly fifteen rupees, we will all die in here. You will be the first to go as I will personally brutalize you should this occur."

"I second that," Gohma growled, briefly applying more pressure to his throat.

The trapped dinosaur stared them down, not flinching at their threats. "Go ahead. Make my day."

Odolwa groaned loudly, catching their attention. "Stop being a whiny little bitch, I want out!"

"And I want money, so either neither of us gets anything or we both do."

Barinade watched over them, laughing manically. "Dance puppets, dance!"

_4000 words later, we have the Hookshot. Yaaaaaaay!_


	23. They're Here

_Because FanFiction won't let me edit any uploaded documents, I'm really hoping that this one doesn't get format-fucked in the transition. Here's a long chapter for everyone._

_Published July 19, 2010_

_**They**_**'re Here**

"I don't think you should take that out of water," Tatl suggested, watching Zora Link pick up the egg from within its tank. "It looks unhealthy enough as it is; taking it out of water might kill it."

"I'll just put it in a bottle." Link forced the egg into one of his three bottles, squeezing it through the inch and a half wide hole. "Ta-da!"

Morpha floated over to Link, observing his work. "Perfect."

-Meanwhile-

Ganondorf and his mothers found themselves confronted by several pirates that included Aveil. "We can confirm that your kid's made it into the fortress. Many of our soldiers found arrows sticking out of each other and they guessed that it was him."

That was good. "Thank you for alerting me. I'm going to go find him but if any of your soldiers find him first feel free to kill him."

"Be careful though. He has a lot of dumb luck on his side," Koume warned. "You'll be surprised how much that helps."

"Yes," Ganondorf added. "Trust me, watch out for the luck."

The pirates glanced at each other, thinking about how they were supposed to do that. "We will," one said.

-With Link-

Luckily, there were dozens of poles placed throughout the fortress that Link was able to latch onto with his hookshot. Tatl looked at the pirates who patrolled normally as Link zipped around above them. "They're so oblivious."

"That's a good thing," Morpha said from his position under Link's right arm. "If they saw you they'd attack, and if they attack you I'll get hurt, I know it."

Link entered a hallway that contained a single Gerudo guard. "Why was I put on hall duty?" she said to herself. "I was a good pirate raider. They're just jealous, that's why. Yeah-" Link shot her in the neck with an arrow and quickly ran into the next room.

"Halt!" a new voice yelled as the door behind him closed. A Gerudo pirate dropped from the darkness above, a common feature in Gerudo designed rooms. "It takes courage to come thieving in the Pirates' Fortress."

"Of course I'm courageous, I'm a hero!" Link proclaimed, completely ignoring how she was an obvious threat.

The pirate chuckled, drawing two scimitars that seemed far too large for conventional combat. "I'm going to love doing this to you!"

Link pulled out his shield and sword as the pirate attacked him, swinging both blades in a circular motion. Link deflected the attacks and jabbed through her guard, his light stab sending her sprawling backwards. "This isn't over yet!" With the flash of a Deku Nut, she was gone.

"That was strangely easy," Tatl said, surprise evident in her voice.

The next room contained another tank with another Zora egg. Link pulled himself above it and looked at the many occupants of the tank. Not only was there the egg but there was a very large skeletal fish swimming in the waters, staring up at him.

Tatl glared down at the fish, painful memories resurfacing as she looked at it. "I hate those things. It's a Desbreko and once it bites you it doesn't let go, trust me."

Link bent over the pool of water to get a better look at the Desbreko. The skeletal fish looked up at him and the two stared at each other for a moment. Without changing the expression on his face Link dove into the tank and began to grapple with the large fish, the two forces clashing underwater.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tatl screeched, watching him put the fish in a headlock and punch it.

Once their conflict was over, Link climbed out of the tank, the dead Desbreko floating behind him. "We looked into each other's eyes, and at that moment we knew that we were destined to fight to the death," Link explained. "I did what I had to."

"It's a fucking fish!"

Morpha was more supportive of this than Tatl was. "You did what you had to, Link," the ball said, sympathizing with him. "I remember a time when _I_ looked a fish in the eye and we had to fight to the death. Of course, we were in water so I won within milliseconds. Ha ha ha, I'm great."

-In the holding cells-

Barinade watched his captured comrades argue with King Dodongo, getting more and more disinterested as the conflict went on. His irritation reached its climax and he shot an electrical bolt through the hatch, the charge lighting up the cell and catching everyone's attention. "I, the great BARINADE, am growing annoyed of your petty conflicts. King Dodongo has thirty seconds to make his decision. After that, I leave."

"I've already decided and I want those fifteen rupees," the Dodongo King immediately told him, turning his back on their chance at freedom. "Take it or leave it."

"Do you even want out? I, Barinoh COME ON!"

The Gerudo pirate, somehow having regenerated her legs, ran at Barinade with her spear raised threateningly. "You have until the count of three to surrender!"

"You just don't know when to stay down, do you?"

In the pit, Odolwa decided what to do. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a red rupee. "King Dodongo, _I'll_ pay back Barinade's debt with this thing, okay? I really want out of this dank hellhole."

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade viciously attacked the pirate.

-Night of the First Day, back with Link-

"I swear that I heard something this time!" A Gerudo stuck her head around a large steel barrel, looking down the aisle of barrels for the source of the noise.

"You're hearing things again," her partner said seconds before an arrow pierced her skull, bringing the pirate down. Link scurried into the next aisle as she got back up, rapidly shaking her head. "Did something just happen to me?"

The first Gerudo glanced back at her during her search. "There's an arrow in your head. I _knew_ it! Someone's definite-" An arrow skimmed her calf, knocking the pirate out just as thoroughly.

Link snuck through the door, silently closing it behind him. "That was close."

"I heard someone!"

Link quickly fled.

"Halt!" A pirate dropped from the ceiling, also wielding two scimitars. "It takes courage to come thieving in the Pirates' Fortress."

"That's a funny thing to say," Link interrupted. "The last one said the same thing."

"Word for word," Morpha added. "What a coincidence."

"You've already fought one of us?" the pirate said, shocked by his success.

"Yup. I've been here all day, put most of my quiver in random pirates and stolen two eggs."

This wasn't the best thing to declare to a Gerudo Pirate. "I'm going to love doing this to you!" She ran her blades across each other, grinning at the metal-on-metal noise.

"That'll dull the blades," Morpha commented.

"Shut up!" The pirate lunged forward, slashing at Link. He quickly launched Morpha across the room and engaged the Gerudo, bringing out his sword and shield.

"Agh, damn you all!" Morpha shouted from the dark corner. "Someday, I'll get my revenge... Wait a minute. Link's stupid enough to take me with him even though I'm employed by the enemy, so he'd be stupid enough to bring me back into the water! I'll get to kick his ass again this time!"

Tatl lazily floated to the blue ball. "You know that you just announced all that, right?"

"So? I could write it all out and glue it in front of his eyes and he'll still fall for it."

"True. Just don't kill him when you do this; we kind of need the guy."

"I'll try, but I can't promise anything."

Link managed to bash the pirate in the face with his shield during the duel, pushing her back. "This isn't over yet!" The Gerudo threw a Deku Nut at her feet, disappearing in the flash.

"I wonder why they don't throw the nut and then stab you in the throat while you're stunned," Tatl pondered to herself just after the Gerudo had fled.

In the next room, Link stared down his opponent. The clam stared back, watching him from inside the tank. It seemed to mock him by sitting beside the Zora egg, unmoving. To solve this problem, Link put on the Bomb Mask and blew a hole in the side of the tank, pulling the clam and egg out. He bottled the egg and held it into the air victoriously.

"Where did you get that and how do I get one?" Morpha quickly asked him, awed by the destruction that the Bomb Mask could cause.

"I got it from an old lady," Link told him. "It makes things blow up!"

"Let me wear it for a moment." Link put the Bomb Mask on Morpha, finding that it fit much better on the ball than it did on Link's face. "Now how do-" The mask violently exploded, sending Link flying into the wall and leaving Morpha in mild amounts of pain. "Such a powerful explosion... I'm keeping this! It even made me move a bit. I could use the explosions to roll myself!"

"Yay," Link gasped from the wall.

After stopping for a brief recovery Link walked out into the courtyard, looking up and the sky and nodding. "It's time." He played the Song of Soaring, taking them away.

-Romani Ranch-

Link rode into the ranch atop his trusty steed. Morpha had been tied to Epona, agitating him, and Tatl flew after the speeding boy. "Are you seriously going back to fight _them_?" the fairy yelled, struggling to keep up with Epona's pace.

"Of course I am," Link replied. He stopped in front of the barn, dismounting Epona. "Why else would I be here?"

"We have more important things to deal with than protecting cows from imaginary claw invaders." She imitated the Tyrannosaurus Rex arms to get her point across.

"Why are we here?" Morpha screamed, extremely confused by their departure and desperate for answers.

"We're here to assist in the fight against glowing, clawed cow-nappers who come down every year to violate the cows," Link explained.

"What the fuck?"

"Link, don't use words that you don't know how to use," Tatl quickly interjected, hoping that it would calm Morpha.

The door to the house opened and Romani, armed with her bow, came out to meet them. "Good, you're right on time, Bullfrog," she said. "They'll be here any minute; make sure to shoot them before they get too close to the barn. If you run out of arrows there's a whole bunch in that crate over there so break it open." She pointed at a large wooden box off to the side.

"So are these monsters then?" Morpha asked from Epona's ass.

Romani shrugged. "Either that or aliens. I don't really question it, I just shoot 'em."

A bright flash lit up the ranch as a glowing ball of yellow light flew through the air. As it flew across the area many strange monsters appeared all over the place, fading into vision. _They_ had bright yellow eyes, large frills coming from their heads and the arms that the others had imitated so many times protruding from where their neck should be. Their bodies fell from their heads like cloth, having no legs and not reaching the ground. "What do ya know, they're real," Tatl lazily muttered.

Link panicked right away and began to rapidly shoot arrows at _them_. Because _they_ were very far away the arrows all missed and Link ended up emptying his quiver as the battle started.

"Might want to break the crate open Bullfrog."

As _they _slowly hovered toward the barn, Link blew open the crate using Morpha. This had the unfortunate side effect of shattering all of the arrows inside of it, leaving Link back where he started.

"Those were tonight's supply of arrows!" Romani yelled before quickly shooting an approaching enemy.

"We don't _really_ need them all, right?"

"They'll be here until five in the morning."

"We can try against next year, right?" Link snapped his fingers, realizing something. "Of course!" He ran to the tall grass behind the barn and hacked out a chunk. From the shredded remains he pulled ten arrows and loaded them into his quiver. "We have all that we need in the grass!"

With that issue out of the way they began to kill invaders one at a time. When one tried to sneak up behind the barn (something Link fortunately saw on his map) he made sure to check around back often as they seemed to come from every direction. Whenever one was shot down another one took its place, the supply never seeming to run out.

-Geurdo Fortress-

"We haven't seen or heard him in hours," one of the pirates reported to Aveil and Ganondorf. "We don't even have anyone showing up with random arrows sticking in them."

"He's probably sleeping somewhere outside of the fortress," Ganondorf said. "He's lazy like that. Put everyone on high alert. When he comes back, he'll be well rested and in top condition. You'll need all of your energy to deal with this kid."

-Romani Ranch-

Link, having run out of grass to restock with, threw random items at the alien that slowly floated toward him. "Help!" he screamed as his Hookshot went right through it. He couldn't stab it as its aura hurt him when he got too close.

"Busy," Romani said as she restrung her bow.

They had been fighting _them_ for at least two hours. Link was now using his Bunny Hood to move quickly but moving didn't help if he couldn't attack any of _them_. He threw Morpha at the alien, knocking it over, and sped over to Romani. "When do they give up?" he gasped out.

"I told you, we need to hold them off until sunrise."

"Aw man... I wish the others were here, they'd be so helpful right now."

-Gerudo Holding Cells-

"What the hell are you doing up there?" King Dodongo roared from their prison, unhappy at the lack of progress Barinade had made.

"I, the great BARINADE, am trying to find a way to open it so shut up or I'll flood the cell and drown you."

"I wholeheartedly welcome death," Gohma grunted as she feasted on the pirate Barinade had thrown down.

-Ranch-

Link shot _them_ with the shattered remains of an arrow. "Is the sun up yet?" he moaned, his arms sore.

"Since it's April 28th, the sun will be up at 5:15," Romani told him. "Judging by the amount of light coming over the horizon it's just about 5:02."

"Ugh, why does the sun have to move so slowly?"

"It's actually moving over two hundred kilometres every second."

"It's still too slow."

Link shot one of the Flatwoods monsters that had gotten too close to the barn. "I'm tired. Can I go yet?"

Tatl punched him upside the head. "You complain too much. Just shut up and kill these things before they get too close."

All of _them_ suddenly disappeared in wisps of smoke, clearing the ranch in seconds. "We did it, we won!" Romani cheered, throwing her bow into the air in joy.

Link looked at the sun, watching it slowly rise over the horizon. "Ah, sunlight. When has it ever failed us? Wait..." He stared intently at the sun. "Tatl, get over here, now!"

The fairy quickly flew over to him. "What's wrong?"

"The sun's speaking to me."

She was curious on where this would go. "Oh. So what's it saying?"

"What does 'purple dot, purple dot, green dot, purple blur' translate into?"

"'Only eat salmon on rainy Sundays' I believe."

"But I like having fruits every day."

Their thoughts were interrupted when Romani approached Link with her hands hidden behind her back. "I thought I'd give you a present for helping protect the cows."

"It was nothing," Link bashfully commented, "although I'm willing to take the present."

She showed him a bottle full of milk. "Here you go!"

Link took the bottle from her. "You know, this isn't the first time I've been given milk for a long and agonizing quest. And it's not the first time that I'll enjoy it!" He immediately pulled the cork out of it and began to chug the surprisingly large bottle of milk.

Morpha detonated the Bomb Mask, propelling him toward them. "Why is a bottle of milk considered a reward for fighting off aliens for almost three hours? Yes, they were most certainly aliens!" he quickly added. "Just think about it for a bit and you'll see that I'm right."

"Hey Bullfrog, can you come back sometime this evening?" Romani asked Link as he continued to drink the milk. "I think I can get you some of our best milk by then.

"I want milk!" Morpha yelled from their feet.

-Dawn of the Second Day, Pirate Fortress-

Thanks to his Hookshot, Link could just grapple his way back into the fortress and avoid the vent he had already used. The sun had risen high enough to show them how tired all of the Gerudo pirates looked. Some were supporting themselves with their spears or leaning on walls while others had given up and were sleeping in a corner. "Hello," Link greeted as he walked by a drowsy guard.

"Yo," the pirate grunted, not paying any attention.

Link pulled himself up to a bridge where a pirate instantly spotted him. "Freeze!" she yelled, running at him with her spear raised.

"Wait!" Link cried, holding out his hand. "I'm not here. I'm over there." The pirate turned and Link stabbed her, quickly running through a random door.

At this moment Ganondorf entered the main courtyard, stretching his arms and taking in a huge breath of polluted sea air. "It's good to be in charge."

Link continued through the corridors, finding himself in a room containing what looked like several mechanical pumps and machines. "That's as far as you go!" Aveil dropped from the roof, her scimitars already drawn. "I thought you'd come for the last egg. It looks like you did exactly what I expected."

"Wait! I'm not really here," Link told her, pointing into a corner. "I'm over there." She slashed at him, almost taking off his arm. "Hey!" He took out his sword and shield, preparing for battle.

-Holding cells-

Barinade had somehow successfully freed them all. "Rampage time!" King Dodongo roared. He tore down a nearby wall and ran through the hole, blasting fire everywhere.

-Back with Link-

Link shot a fire arrow at Aveil before ducking behind a machine. She blocked the magical fire and jumped over the machine to stab him. However, he was no longer there. "Okay kid, we're going to play hide and seek. I'll hide and you can seek, okay?"

"Okay!" Aveil stabbed over a pump, narrowly missing Link's leg. He brought up his sword and lightly slashed a wound across her forearm. "Hey, you guys usually leave after something like that..."

Aveil used the hurt arm to pick him up and throw him into a nearby machine. His head crashed into the machine but because there wasn't much more damage that could be done to it he was barely fazed. They clashed again, though thanks to her two swords Aveil was able to be much more vicious in her attacks.

"I feel it," Morpha said from the sidelines. "There's water in some of these pipes, I know it. Link, break open one of the pipes!"

"You have the Bomb Mask now," Tatl commented as she floated over to him. "Do it yourself."

"Oh, right." Morpha detonated, blowing open one of the nearby pipes. Out of the pipe came a blast of hot air which both seared Morpha's flesh and blasted him across the room. "Obviously not that one..."

Link ducked under a swing and quickly put some distance between him and his foe. He pulled out his bow as she pursued him and fired several arrows, but all were deflected. He was about to reengage in close combat when a blast of water hit Aveil off of her feet. "Behold my power!" Morpha roared, water whirling around him.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're still employed by me!" Aveil snapped, reminding him of that.

"Oh yeah. Oops, sorry. I got caught up in nostalgia."

"You're fired now!"

"Well in that case there's nothing stopping me from doing that again." Morpha struck her with a tendril, pushing her farther back.

"Wait! I'll reemploy you!" Aveil shouted as Morpha continued his watery assault.

"And start back at minimum wage? Forget it, I like this better."

"But you never left minimum wage!"

"Why were you paying me minimum wage?"

Morpha pulled more water out of the pipes, sending a wave at Aveil. She turned and ran through a metal door, quickly yelling, "This isn't over yet!" before slamming it shut.

In a vain attempt to continue his onslaught Morpha blasted the door with water, dampening it. "Coward."

-Outside-

Standing atop the watchtower was Ganondorf, and he was growing annoyed at the lack of progress. One kid with a glowing white fairy following him at all times couldn't be _this_ difficult to find in a heavily patrolled fortress.

Aveil appeared beside him, completely drenched and looking irritated. "I found the kid."

Ganondorf glanced over her, observing her current state. "And I'm guessing that you easily won."

"Definitely. Kicked his ass all over the place with ease; nothing bad happened at all."

"That's good. So what did you learn?"

"When _not_ to argue with elemental controlling beings."

"That's good. Where-"

The sound of tearing metal echoed around them like thunder, and within a few seconds King Dodongo, Gohma, Odolwa and Goht had charged through a wall and were devastating the pirates. Bongo Bongo's disembodied hands and Barinade followed soon afterwards to add to the annihilation of the pirate forces.

Ganondorf watched from above, his face void of emotion. "With that, this plan has horribly failed," he said to himself. "Aveil."

"What is it now? My people are being slaughtered so I don't want to have to put up with a witty comment!"

"Nothing witty, just a statement. You should know that if I can avoid a direction confrontation and do things the easy way, I will. What I'm about to do has no personal reasons behind it and you'll be fine when everything resets." He quickly picked her up and threw her across the watchtower's bridge and into a steel wall, sending the pirate leader into unconsciousness. Ganondorf dropped from the tower and landed in front of Odolwa and Goht. "It's good to see that you all made it out."

"That's a lie and you know it," Gohma snapped as she ate a pirate.

"True. As much as I love seeing you all enjoying yourselves by slaughtering my people, we need to get moving to the Great Bay Temple."

Link, Tatl and Morpha, now in possession of all four Zora eggs, wandered into the main courtyard to investigate the noise. "Hi guys!"

"Link," Tatl quickly whispered before he reached them, "don't bring up the 'Ganondorf betrayed us' to the others yet. I'm going to investigate a few things first."

Link went deep into thought. During this rare, life changing event he discovered many things: the meaning of life is Swiss cheese, the chicken obviously came first, a woodchuck can't chuck wood so the question is pointless, and even more. This was all put in the back of his mind for future reference and a small memory came to the hero's attention. "Ganondorf betrayed us!" he gasped. "Who'd have thought that an eight and a half foot thief king with aspirations of world domination would do something so mean? He's not a nice person, is he Tatl?"

Tatl was taking Link's stupidity much better than Navi did. She hadn't tried to kill herself and/or Link yet.

_Seriously, those pirates give up really quickly._


	24. Insanity at its Finest

_Published July 29, 2010_

**Insanity at its Finest**

The group gathered on the sandy shores of the Great Bay, staying a fair distance from the murky water. Link had just finished explaining why he thought gathering the Zora eggs would be beneficial to their cause.

"I seriously doubt that the Zora _babies_ will carry us out to the temple," Gohma told him.

Link shrugged, not completely convinced by her words. "If I can turn a fish person into a mask with a song then I don't see why this won't work."

"It's simple laws of mass. Something that small with so few muscles can't carry someone so big, eh heh heh," Koume cackled, delighted at how she got a line.

"If you want, we can swim there." Link gestured them toward the brown, polluted waves. It was quickly agreed upon to send Link out to swim to the temple and tell them how the trip was.

The hero became a Zora and swam out into the bay, feeling the water become slimier as he went farther out. Because of the increasing pollutants he soon lost all sight and began to panic, surfacing in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the temple. A thick fog covered the water, blocking out everything around him. Link dove again and swam where he thought the Great Bay Temple had been.

After a short time the water began to clear and Link could see land ahead of him. He stopped his speedy swimming and broke the surface, crawling onto the warm sand. "I love you, land." Link kissed the sand before he shifted his gaze up. The others were standing over him. "Oh, so Tatl will carry _you_ anywhere you want but when _I_ try to hitch a ride she punches me."

He was ignored. "Let's get a boat," Ganondorf suggested. "There's a hut with a whole bunch of them right there."

"We might as well try, though I think the monsters should stay outside today," Tatl suggested. "Everyone so far has been surprisingly accepting but let's not take chances."

-Inside-

"I've been catching fish in these seas for 30 years. When it comes to catching fish, I'm even better than the Zoras. Well, that's what I'd like to be saying," a half naked man told them.

Ganondorf took his random statements in stride. "Wonderful. Can we rent a boat?" As a thief king he would have just stolen it but Link and Tatl wanted to do things the 'proper' way.

"I wouldn't recommend sailing while the water's like this. The water's murky and when you get farther out there's a fog as white as milk. I always get lost and somehow end up on shore, even when I don't remember changing directions. As someone who makes his living off of fish, I'm not doing too well right now."

Link wasn't paying any attention to the conversation, instead opting to press his face against a bowl containing a large yellow seahorse, staring at it. "Tatl, it's talking to me."

This wasn't an odd occurrence anymore. "Oh really? What's it saying?"

"Please, take me back to the waters near Pinnacle Rock," the seahorse suddenly spoke in a light, squeaky voice.

"Why can everything speak English?"

"Are you interested in that fish?" the fisherman asked once he had noticed Link's position. "It's a seahorse; they're rare around these parts."

"How much?" Link asked, seemingly forgetting what they came for... again.

The fisherman crossed his arms over his triangular pecks. "I was thinking about selling it at the town carnival-"

"Trust me, you're better off selling it now," Tatl interrupted. "The carnival won't be very fun this year."

"All right, I'll give it to ya. All I want is a picture of those female pirates. Mine's blurry and not that great so I can't see the face, but if you can get me a better one I'll give the seahorse to you free of charge."

Ganondorf sighed. "Let me get this straight: you're currently low on money and unable to get any livelihood because of the current conditions, and those don't look like they'll be going away anytime soon. You happen to own an incredibly rare specimen that I doubt anyone else has, one that you could charge a large amount of money for, especially when you're dealing with someone as economically dense as Link. Instead of taking advantage of this poor, uneducated sap you ask him to get some beating material so that as long as you slowly die an agonizing death due to starvation, you'll still have some pictures for happy time. Am I correct?"

The man nodded enthusiastically. "Couldn't have said it any better myself."

With that established, Link ran out and acquired the picture for him without telling any of the others where he was going. He came back to them an hour later, unharmed, with a perfect picture. He squeezed the fish in a bottle with a Zora Egg and went outside to show off his prize.

"You've acquired a seahorse!" Odolwa announced. "Release it in the waters near Pinnacle Rock!"

"That was a pointless waste of time. What was required was a reliable form of transportation to the temple. You have a fish," Goht gruffly said.

"The fish might be able to lead us to the temple," Link suggested.

"Yes, of course!" Gohma gasped. "The wild animal will be perfect for leading us through the water that you won't be able to see it in. Why did none of us think of this before?"

"None of us have Link's genius," Odolwa added. "I'm ashamed of myself now."

Link suspiciously glanced at them, having suspicions about their suspicious talk. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that you are making fun of me."

"It's a good thing that you know better," Gohma said. "Enough jokes everyone, we need to get to that temple."

Ganondorf cleared his throat, catching everyone's attention. "I know that most of my ideas are _crazy_ and this is just like the rest of them, but why don't we just _fly_ over there?"

"You're mad!" Kotake screeched. "That's insanity and you know it! Think of the children!" Koume pushed her away from the group.

"Sounds like a plan," Gohma said. "Everyone who can fly should go over there now while the rest of us try to find another method of transportation." Ganondorf, Koume, Kotake and Bongo Bongo left the group, flying toward the Great Bay temple. "Any ideas?"

"I, BARINADE, have an idea," Barinade immediately shouted. "This marvellous idea is to get the Zoras to help us reach the temple. They will surely see the might of BARINADE and fall to their knees, giving in to our every demand. Getting those eggs and asking for a favour in return could also help."

"The seahorse could know where the eggs are." Link held up the bottle with his new pet inside of it. "See? Everything worked out."

Goht approached the now terrified seahorse and looked at it, taking in every minor detail. "The physical condition of the seahorse tells me that it has been in captivity for just under four days. As the eggs were lost only yesterday I do not believe that it will know of their location."

"Wait a minute!" Morpha shouted. "The pirates said that they lost the eggs where a bunch of sea snakes were. It might know where those things are, and then we can find the eggs. See, I _am_ useful!"

"In that case, it's a good thing that you got that, Link," King Dodongo praised.

"I was wrong about your decision. Forgive me, Link," Goht apologized.

"But I'm-"

"I AM BARINADE!"

If Morpha had a face he would glare at them. "I hate you all."

-Pinnacle Rock-

"Yo, Mikau!" A Zora swam over to Zora Link, Tatl, Barinade and Morpha. "Have you seen any gold coloured fish around here? They know this area pretty well and I was thinking of getting one to guide me to Pinnacle Rock."

"How coincidental, I have a golden seahorse to guide me," Link commented.

"Sweet, can I have it?"

"No!" Barinade screamed.

As they approached six spire shaped rocks they noticed two signs posted on the ocean floor. "That's an odd spot to put a sign," Tatl said.

Link descended to the bottom and let out the seahorse. "You have strange powers," the seahorse squeaked out. "I have a request for you. Please follow me." The seahorse began to swim forward, turning right after a few metres.

"The rocks are that way," Link said to it. He received no answer from the fish. Shrugging, he began to follow the seahorse but Barinade decided that just going straight would be much easier.

Soon after straying from the path he found himself engulfed in murk. "This darkness is but an annoying insect to the great BARINADE!" He continued forward through the water, eventually emerging back where he had started. "I... What the hell happened? Morpha, how did I get back here?"

"I dunno," Morpha said. "You just faded away then appeared back here after a bit. What's weird is that I can still see Link pretty far away." Barinade looked into the distance, seeing Link following the seahorse.

"Testing time!" Barinade grabbed Morpha and threw him forward, watching him disappear in the water.

Meanwhile, Link and Tatl had arrived at Pinnacle Rock. "There are many dangerous sea snakes in Pinnacle Rock. My friend is trapped there."

"And you want us with our combat prowess to get rid of all of the snakes and help them, correct?" Tatl quickly interrupted, knowing where the speech was going.

"Yes."

"Sounds easy enough," Link said. He moved into the main section of Pinnacle Rock, swimming into the massive pit before him. "So where are the snakes?" As he passed a hole in the rock wall a snake noticed him, sticking its head out and scaring the crap out of our young hero. It was easily larger than anything he had ever encountered. Link screamed and fled, swimming away from Pinnacle Rock only to arrive back there after a few seconds.

The seahorse muttered, "I think I've made a grave mistake."

-Near the Great Bay Temple-

Ganondorf, Koume, Kotake and Bongo Bongo stared at the whirling tornado of water that surrounded the temple. "How did we not see that from land?" Ganondorf wondered aloud.

Kotake shot out a spell which would turn the water to ice, but the spell was sucked into the current and quickly dissipated. "Curses!"

Ganondorf looked up, ignoring the water that sprayed down on them. "Let's try to go over it." They flew upwards, soon arriving at the spot where the water reached its peak. It appeared to be weaker around the middle, so Ganondorf dove down there.

He went down, feeling the winds pulling at him from all directions. Unfortunately, one particularly strong gust knocked him to the side, causing him to spiral around with the water. He was soon hurled out of the tornado, falling into the water below.

Bongo Bongo looked at the ripples below, watching the current pull Ganondorf back into the funnel. He was thrown around with the water for a few laps before being launched back into the water. The cycle began to repeat again. "I'm going to find another way in."

-Pinnacle Rock-

Link hung from the ledge of a sea snake's hole, waiting for the right moment. The sea snake saw his hands and stuck its head out to investigate what he was doing. Once it was out Link sprang upwards, activating his magical Zora shield and going right through its head. The sea snake went limp instantly, its corpse sliding from the hole and crashing on the ocean floor.

"One down, seven to go," Tatl announced. She instantly became horrified when she realized what she just did and began to charge head first into the stone wall.

Morpha floated down to him, ignoring the blood that was merging with the murk. "So what's our objective?"

"Kill all snakes," Tatl told him.

"Snakes? You mean like the one I saw stalking us back in the pirate fortress? You know, the guy with the bandana."

"No, sea snakes. And who's stalking us? How long's this been happening for?"

Morpha chuckled, the water beginning to swirl around him. "You'd better grab on to something." Link and Tatl latched onto the rock wall not a moment too soon. The current began to flow around them, sucking the water from all of the holes and with it came the sea snakes along with several other fish that were unlucky enough to be in the area. Everything that was pulled out was forced into the middle and then crushed into oblivion when two walls of compacted water closed together on them. "Problem solved."

"You killed my friend!" the seahorse cried from above. "He wanted to die in a net, snatched from the water and squished against other various sea creatures, not like this! Never like this... He was the only one who understood why I did what I did. He never got to see Santa!"

"Bored now." Morpha began to drift away.

Getting angry at Morpha's recklessness wouldn't change anything, especially Morpha, so Tatl decided to see if there were any traces of the Zora eggs down there in the hopes that they wouldn't need to do this whole thing again. She had a brief chuckle at the memory of her father once saying that you didn't get any do-overs in real life. Clearly, he had never had a magical flute capable of warping time and space.

Link and her eventually found an egg in perfect condition. "What are these shells made of?" Tatl asked in wonderment.

Link squeezed it into a bottle that had already contained another Zora egg. "Whatever it is, it's very convenient for what we have to carry it with. I should put bugs in here."

"Why would you _ever_ need bugs in a bottle?"

"Someone might want it," Link said, shrugging.

"Right."

-On the shore-

"I'm tired of waiting for them," Gohma said to King Dodongo, Odolwa and Goht. "If you need me, I'll be doing shit."

"I'm coming too!" Odolwa announced as he began to follow her. "It's boring here."

King Dodongo snorted as he watched them walk away. "Pretentious assholes, thinking they're too good for a rock-paper-scissors tournament. Looks like it's just you and me Gohty." He turned away only to see that he was alone on the beach. "What the..." Looking at the others again revealed that Goht was with them. "You guys suck," he said before jogging after them.

Moments after they left sight, Link's group emerged from the shallows and trudged onto shore. "Now what?" Tatl asked. "We've got all the eggs."

Link struck a pose, pointing into the distance. "To the Zoras!"

"Where is everyone?" Morpha questioned when he noticed the absence of Gohma's group.

Everyone stopped to look around, searching for them. "They appear to have wandered off. I, BARINADE, shall follow the tracks and meet up with you momentarily."

Link picked up Morpha and began to walk down the beach, searching for the Zoras. Suddenly, a Leever burst from the sand! "Is that a Chuchu?" Link asked.

"Nope, a Leever," Tatl answered. "I think they're related though. They're pretty much the same, but Leevers are much more annoying."

"Actually, I think I saw these in a desert-" The Leever charged forward, bashing into Link's kneecaps. "Stop that!" It backed off then charged again, managing to graze his skin. Link pulled out his sword and swung at the blob but it was too fast for him, swiftly evading the blow. The Leever spun on the spot, burying itself in the sand once again. "That was- hey!"

Another Leever had attacked him from behind, its hit knocking him off balance. He dropped Morpha and went after that enemy, leaving the ball in the sand.

The first Leever came back up, slowly approaching Morpha. "I will kill you should you come any closer!" It began to cuddle up to him, making a hissing noise as it did so.

"Aw, he's made a friend," Tatl said.

"It's eating me!"

"A friend, or something more?"

-Later at the Hall of Zoras-

"Oy, Mikau!" a random Zora said as soon as Link emerged from the watery entrance. "What's up with the rehearsal? I was told that it's about to start, but all the band members are still locked up in their rooms. And Lulu's just hanging out by that island in the back."

"Oh, um... They're all... eating. They're still having lunch."

"Lunch? It's almost 4:30 though."

"They're really slow."

As Link walked through the hall he was greeted by several other Zoras, all of whom brought up the rehearsal. Some asked why everyone was still in their rooms while a few wished him good luck in it. "It's better than everyone shouting 'you're not dead,'" Tatl whispered.

"Hey Mikau, what's with the ball?" a passerby asked, referencing what he held under his arm.

"I am no mere ball!" Morpha shouted, scaring the fish man. "I-" The Bomb Mask detonated, blowing Link over and sending Morpha into a nearby pool. "...really need to work on that."

"Mikau!" Link groaned as _another_ generic Zora pulled him to his feet. "Where have you been this whole time? Bandleader Evan has been waiting for you for a while now.

Both Zoras immediately left, leaving him with no idea of where to go. "I'm so confused!"

Luckily, Tatl saved him from a mental overload. "I think it's this Lulu person who lost the eggs. We should bring them to her."

Finding Lulu didn't take long; there was only one other way out of the area and she was just outside of it. They found her silently staring out at the sea in the direction of the Great Bay temple.

"Lulu?" She turned to him, opening her mouth but saying nothing. "We found all of the eggs." Link pulled out his four bottles, accidentally dropping two in his attempt to hold them all.

Lulu turned away, looking back out at the temple. "I don't think she can talk," Tatl said. "I remember a Zora in Clock Town saying that their singer had lost her voice and this might be her."

Link nodded, putting the bottles away. He slashed a nearby owl statue before looking out at the temple, finally noticing the vortex of water that surrounded it. "Do you think the others got inside?"

"Probably," Tatl answered.

He looked at it carefully, seeing a dot hovering over it. "Is that dot one of them?"

"It must be Bongo Bongo. He's the only one big enough to see from this far away," the fairy determined. Link began to wave at him. "He won't see you."

Apparently he did. The dot gradually became larger and larger as he came closer, soon being flanked by the small Koume and Kotake. The shadow beast and Gerudo witches arrived after a five minute travel, their appearance not even fazing Lulu. "We can't get in," Bongo Bongo said.

"The giant waterspout does look like a problem," Tatl agreed. "Where's Ganondorf?"

"He tried to go over it. He got sucked up, thrown out, sucked up again, thrown out again, you get it. We lost sight of him after a while so he's either dead or having a lot of fun."


	25. Odolwa takes Command

_Woohoo, I just got Tekken 6! Among that, Disgaea and Resident Evil I've got a lot of things that can keep me occupied. However, very little can keep me away from Majora's Mask._

_Published August 10, 2010_

**Odolwa takes Command**

"Hello visitors," the young beaver happily greeted the monsters. "Welcome to the Beaver Bros' Dam, the greatestly constructed wooden barricade in all of Termina. There are generations of histories in this wood. Make yourself at home. Guests are allowed to stay for as long as they likely. Should you ever need anything simply ask me or my older brother. If you get bored, you can race against us and if you win we'll give you a nice treasure we found the other day."

Gohma, King Dodongo, Odolwa and Goht looked down at the beaver which stood before them, eagerly bouncing up and down. "I want that treasure," King Dodongo growled. "You will give it to me or I will give you a purple nurple with my giant, fanged mouth."

-Zora Hall-

Link cautiously entered a random room, desperately hoping that this one was Evan's room. The occupants of the last four had all scared him by going into fanboy mode at what seemed like Mikau being interested in their petty personal lives.

"Mikau! Did you get the eggs back?" the strange Zora inside asked him. His head was extremely thin and jutted out like he had a snout making this one the oddest Zora Link had ever seen.

"All of 'em," Link answered. "Those pirates weren't much trouble. I could do it all over again if I had to! …Which I won't."

"Good good good! Bring them to the Marine Research Lab so they can be hatched."

Link chuckled nervously. "Could you remind me where that is? I forget these things sometimes, you know me. Silly old Mikau, heh heh heh."

Evan confusedly looked at Link, tilting his head ninety degrees to the left. "How could you forget the place you were born at? What happened to your great Zora sense of direction, Mikau?"

"I took a nasty hit to the head," Link quickly told him. "Can't remember my last name actually. It's a shame."

Evan sighed, shaking his head. "Don't worry about it. We'll just lobotomize you later. The research lab is just offshore from the north beach. Now bring the eggs there so Lulu can get her voice back!"

"Science at its finest," Tatl heroically proclaimed.

Almost immediately after Link and Tatl left the room Bongo Bongo materialized in front of them. "You sure are good at 'acting' like an idiot, Link."

"Yeah, well… _You're_ good at… being an… ugly!"

The phantom shadow beast began to slowly clap. "Bravo. You really told me off."

The group went outside and swam/flew back to the mainland. As they arrived at the beach the other part of their group dropped from the cliffs to their right. "Hey bitches, take a look at this!" King Dodongo held up an empty bottle! "We beat the crap out of some grammatically incorrect beavers and took it from them. Cool, eh?"

Everyone was unimpressed by his new acquisition, everyone except Link. "It's so shiny," he whispered as he stared at it in awe. "Can I have it?"

King Dodongo's face contorted into rage. "I- What- NO! Why would I give this to anyone?" Link gazed up at him, a grotesque pout on his Zora face. It was the kind of look that would make the hunchback of Notre Dame cringe in disgust, the look that would drive a monk to punching a bag of kittens. "I can't say 'no' to that face…" The dinosaur tossed Link the item, bringing his collection up to five bottles.

-The Marine Research Lab-

They made it to the lab with relative ease, the only issue being when Morpha's Leever friend came back. It was the general consensus to leave Morpha there while they dropped off the eggs. He swears could still be heard from within the research lab.

They were greeted by the anorexic old man who ran the lab. "You must be the Zora who's supposed to come with the eggs. And who are all of these unholy abominations?" he questioned.

Odolwa cheered out, "ODOOOLWA!"

"I am known to those that desire names as Goht."

"Gohma."

"Name's King Dodongo."

"I AM BARINADE!"

"She's Koume."

"And she's Kotake."

"I'm Bongo Bongo, nice to meet ya."

The old man nodded. "Welcome to the Marine Research Lab. Please put the eggs in the tank and then come back down here for the hatching. They need to all be in there before they'll hatch."

Link pulled himself on top of the tank and took out his first bottle. The sole egg in it easily slid out when he tilted it, falling into the water with a soft plop. However, due to the lack of bottles, the next three had two eggs in them. The second bottle's two eggs didn't want to come out when he tilted it, forcing him to smack the bottle as hard as he could until they were jostled out. The third bottle's two also came out easily, but the final challenge came in the form of the two eggs that occupied his fourth bottle. Link punched the bottle, he smashed it against the wall, he kicked it; nothing could dislodge the eggs. "I give up," he gasped, tossing it to the grate on top of the cage. It bounced once, and both eggs came out and fell into the cage. "That was intentional!"

"I have a question," Goht said as Link jumped off of the tank. "Why is he allowed to lead us? Both his intelligence and physical capabilities are far below our own. Almost any of us would prove to be a far superior leader."

"She's got a point!" Odolwa exclaimed. "From here on out, _I'm_ the leader!"

"Go for it," Gohma grunted. "Have fun."

The old man eagerly approached the tank. "Good, they're all together. Come closer everyone, it's going to start soon."

As if on cue, the eggshells began to expand and dissolve. The Zora babies, which looked like blue tadpoles, began to swim around inside the massive tank. Speaking of which…

"Why's the tank so big if they're so small?" Tatl asked him.

The old man laughed like this was a stupid question. "They'll be in here for the next eight years, until they reach full maturity. If it were any smaller they'd all die of course."

"Oh. Sucks for them I guess. What are they doing?"

The babies had formed a line in the water and posed like musical notes. "Look at that!" the old man exclaimed. "What in the world could this mean? Wait, I've got it! Don't you get it?"

"Affirmative," Goht said. "They-"

Odolwa jumped in front of her, looking intently at the tank. "Hold it! I'm the leader now." He leaned in, stroking his masked chin as though he had a goatee. Actually, he might… "From what I can tell, the Zoras have arranged themselves into the crest of one of the oldest families in Termina, the crest of the Meldinas. We must find their descendant and throw this person into the tank so they can rip them apart and feast on this person's insides, growing to full maturity within moments. The Zoras will then be able to stop the moon from coming down! It all makes perfect sense, right guys?"

He turned to the rest of them only to see Link playing his fishbone guitar, using the Zoras' positions like notes. His shoulders drooped as Link finished the song. "Oh. You learned the New Wave Bossa Nova. Yippee."

The old man seemed so excited by this point that they were surprised his fragile heart hadn't exploded. "If these Zoras were born to teach this song, then hurry, play it to whoever laid these eggs!"

"Was the song coded into their DNA or something?" Tatl wondered aloud. "What would have happened if someone that could play the song wasn't here?"

"No need to nitpick the details," the old man said.

-Zora Hall-

"Link, play the song in front of her," Odolwa ordered, pointing at the Zora in front of him.

"That's not her either," Tatl sighed as the frightened Zora ran away. "You're not very good at this, are you?"

"Shut up or I'll court marshal you!"

Tatl subtly led them to the area where Lulu was and, just as expected, Odolwa ordered Link to play the song in front of her. He did so, but what no one expected was for Lulu to start singing halfway through the song.

They continued for about thirty seconds. Once it ended, Link put his guitar away and opened his mouth to say something to Lulu but was immediately interrupted by an explosion of water behind them. Link screamed and dove behind Lulu as a turtle twice as big as King Dodongo rose from the water. Two trees were on its back meaning that this behemoth had been the small isle beside them the whole time.

"What the hell just happened?" Tatl yelled, floating away from the giant turtle.

The turtle yawned, stretching its neck. "I slept quite well," it announced in a deep, booming voice. "I just realized when I opened my eyes. The passing of days it quite quick, isn't it Lulu?"

Lulu looked just as confused as the rest of them.

"It's nothing to be surprised at Lulu. Although my eyes were closed, I still see everything that occurs in this ocean."

"Eh?"

"It seems Lulu's confused."

"We all are!" Tatl yelled. "Who are you? Why were you sleeping? Why did that song wake you up?"

"I would like to explain everything, but there is no time for idle conversation," the turtle said. He turned slightly to face Link. "Now then proud Zora warrior… The open seas of great Bay have need of your might."

"Hold it!" Odolwa jumped in front of the smaller Zora, bashing him aside with his shield. "I'm the one in charge of all this, you talk to me."

"In such dire times, it does not matter who is the leader. You must work together as equals should you wish to overcome the obstacles you face."

"Bullshit," the jungle warrior snapped, glaring at the turtle. "Every notable force in history has had a leader. That's why I'm here. I'm going to make us part of history! We'll go down in the books as the Odolwa Army, the small group that managed to save the world! I, being the leader, will be the most well known."

"You will not be able to fill the world when filled with greed and negative desires."

"Bullshit number two," Odolwa declared. "That guy over there's the greediest bastard you'll ever meet and they saved the world before." King Dodongo sent a small wave to the turtle.

The turtle sighed, shaking its head. "We don't have time for idle chatter. Climb upon my back and I will bring you to the Great Bay temple."

Odolwa, Link, Tatl, Goht, Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, Koume and Kotake plopped down on the turtle's back. "You okay down there?" Bongo Bongo asked.

The turtle was being pushed down by the water and was using a noticeable amount of force to stay afloat. "I've… had… much… worse…" it groaned. The turtle began to swim out, slowly progressing through the water.

Forty minutes later, they were almost at the temple. "How are we getting through that thing?" Bongo Bongo asked in reference to the water tornado that spun around the temple. "Last time we kinda failed and lost Ganondorf."

"I will go underneath the storm and through the underwater entrance. When I tell you to hold on, hold on," the turtle explained. "Hold on!"

Everyone quickly grabbed on to something although Link screamed for a few seconds before doing so. "I have no arms!" Morpha screamed. "Before I die know that I hate you all and that if I ever got the chance I would have found the slowest most painful way to kill each one of you and done it!"

They all held on for about ten seconds before realizing that nothing was happening. "That was a test," the turtle said. "You all passed."

Gohma punched the turtle's shell with enough force to put a crack in the exterior. "Don't do that!"

"One of you needs to grab me next time!" Morpha shouted. "Someone grab me!" Barinade picked him up.

"Hold on!"

They latched on again, but this time Bongo Bongo grabbed where Link was last time. Link wasn't able to find a spot to grab and began to panic. "I can't take it anymore!" He jumped into the bay.

The turtle chuckled. "That was just another test to see if you were truly ready." Gohma further broke the shell while Link was pulled back up.

"Hold on!" King Dodongo roared. Everyone except Link grabbed onto something. Link was accidentally hit into the water by Goht as she moved toward the palm tree. "This is fun."

Everyone was so busy looking at the temple in front of them that they didn't notice the boat to their rear. "Still on course," a pirate said from the small vessel's crow's nest. She was up there making sure they were still behind the turtle as their sight was obscured by the fog.

Aveil turned to the pirate that was steering the ship. "It's a good thing that we just let them collect all seven eggs and find a way to the temple. Now all we have to do is follow them and see how they get inside so we can go the same way. After that we'll kill them and take the treasure for ourselves!"

The pirate sighed. "Yes, it was an excellent plan ma'am."

"Uh, girls?" the pirate above them yelled. "The turtle dove. I think they're going under it."

"Can this dive?" Aveil asked the wheelwoman.

"No it can't."

"I think we're getting pulled in!"

Aveil didn't seem to hear the cries from above. "Well we need to find a way to get in too. Do we have diving equipment?"

"No we do not."

The ship suddenly began to pick up speed, heading right into the storm. "What's going on?"

"I kept telling you that we're getting sucked in!" the pirate who was above snapped as she climbed down to them. "We'll be capsized any second!"

"Oh."

-Inside the Great Bay Temple-

The turtle surfaced in a dark, metal room lit only by two torches. "We're here."

King Dodongo rolled off of the turtle, smashing his back on the edge of the metal floor as he fell. It turned out that the pool the turtle was in wasn't very big.

Odolwa was much more graceful in his disembarking. He prepared to jump off but ended up slipping on the shell and falling into the water. It was still more graceful than Kingy's fall. "Thank you for delivering us," Odolwa said to the reptile. "As for the rest of you, is everyone still here?"

"Kotake isn't," Koume said. "Not a big loss."

Right after she said this Kotake burst from the water beside the turtle. "I thought I had grabbed a tree but it was just my own broom."

Everyone began to regroup near one of the torches, using its heat to dry off. It was in the glow of the fire that Tatl noticed a brief reflection from the dark floor. "There's a puddle near the door. None of us have been over there yet."

"So someone was here," Odolwa loudly said. "This is an interesting revelation. Could it be that someone else has breached the storm outside? Perhaps it is another seeking to free the giants. However, it may be a foe that has entered the temple to impair our own quest. Keep on your guard; I think that the worst has yet to come."

Goht looked at the puddles. "Footprint scans show me that it was Gerudo King Ganondorf."

"…Or it was just Ganondorf."


	26. Temple of the Great Bay

_Busy weeks. Too tired to type. Explain later. Here chapter. Happy end._

_Published September 4, 2010_

**Temple of the Great Bay**

-Dawn of the Third Day, Great Bay Temple-

"What is this place?" Link cried as he gazed at the complex machinery around him. The room was littered with piles and valves too large for human use. High above was a large, rusty waterwheel the most likely caused the sound of gears turning that echoed through the chamber.

"This technological prowess is impressive," Goht commented.

"Indeed!" Odolwa said, his voice echoing through the chamber. "Come my companions, we must explore!"

Gohma, seeing a random switch that looked like it was begging to be turned, jumped across the water and cranked it. The waterspout that was currently powering the waterwheel shut off, stopping its motion. Almost immediately all the interior lights shut off, bathing the room in opaque darkness. "Turning it back."

When the lighting flickered back to life, Kotake was shoving two stray fairies in her bag. "Two down, thirteen to go! Eh he he!"

"Where the hell did they come from?" Tatl snapped.

"I found them."

The group used an elevator platform to ascend to the room's upper level. The steel platform creaked and groaned under their immense combined mass but managed to survive to its destination. Immediately after disembarking a Skulltula attacked them. Being a simple spider, it was swiftly devoured by Gohma. "That was horrifying," Odolwa said. "I loved it. Keep up the good work."

"And one day, I'll figure out how you eat things with no mouth," Link said. "Mark my words, I'll find out how."

"Your words are marked."

There was a small gap that needed to be jumped over. Many of the monsters could clear it with ease but Link would need to use a waterspout as a platform. "I don't understand how I can stand on water," he meekly said, scared at having to go on one of these again. Last time he had he almost died; it was only thanks to his quick wit and impressive reflexes that he had lived... well, that's how he remembered it.

"Only one way to find out." Tatl kicked him off the ledge and onto the waterspout.

-In the next room-

The gigantic room was full of water, spun like a whirlpool by two spokes. The water was clear enough to see the bottom, revealing that it was at least two hundred metres deep.

On an unrelated note, Kotake discovered a fairy in a nearby barrel.

King Dodongo backed into the hallway. "I think I'll sit this one out. I don't float."

"As will I," Goht said. "This water will be bad for my circuitry. I shall stay above for the time being."

Odolwa laughed. "As leader, I must go! I can hold my breath for a long time making me perfect for this journey. More perfect than those of you who can breathe perfectly in fact."

Morpha chuckled to himself. "Well, well, well, it looks like it's time for the neglected water god to shine."

"I, BARINADE, will be the one to lead us to victory!" Barinade leaped into the water, submerging in the vortex.

"If Barinade's there, we can't lose!" Link exclaimed before donning the Zora Mask and following. Tatl and Odolwa went with him, leaving Morpha behind.

"HEY! Return at once, I command it! Bring me with you or I will tear you all to pieces! Ignorant pricks." Goht nudged him, rolling the ball off of the walkway and into the water.

The five quickly found themselves sucked into the current. The water pulled everyone, even Morpha, down an underwater hallway without giving them a chance to struggle.

They came out in a small room and were instantly attacked by skeletal fish. They were easily dispatched. Odolwa rose to the surface for air while the others stood under the water. "That current's way too strong," Tatl said.

"I, BARINADE, noticed something!" Barinade declared. "There were several tunnels going opposite of the current meaning it may be possible to reverse it. We shall discover how and control the water!"

"Can Morpha just control it?" Link asked. "She's got-"

"I AM NOT A 'SHE'!" Morpha blasted Link across the room. "That room's current is too strong for me to control. I can slow it down quite a lot but unless I'm in it I won't be able to stop it. I was really dizzy when I was in there so don't count on that happening."

"That's inconvenient for us," Link said, shaking off his daze. "It's forcing us to go through this place normally without the very helpful abilities that you guys can give us."

"Oh shut up." Morpha blasted him again. "And don't say words with more than two syllables. It scares me when you do so."

They travelled down another hallway. Link swam blindly around a corner and was grabbed by a clammy, grey hand. The Dexihand had him by the ankle and began to relentlessly smash the Zora boy into the metal wall.

He was eventually freed and their underwater voyage continued. Up ahead, a fairy was discovered. Bubbles came from under Odolwa's mask and Link, Barinade and Morpha faintly heard, "Four... eleven to..."

"What did he say?" Tatl asked.

"I, BARINADE, believe you don't want to know."

The next room wasn't full of water and actually had some above ground areas. Across two lily pads was a large chest with golden trim. "That looks important!" Link jumped onto the first lily pad. It flipped upside-down and a Bio Deku Baba latched its wiry arms around him. "Help! It's making me uncomfortable!" Odolwa jabbed his sword through its bulbous head.

Inside the golden chest was a compass! "Oh, it is one of these somehow helpful devices," Barinade said. "How exactly does this compass work?"

"They always point north, don't they?" Odolwa added.

"Yes," Tatl answered. "But that doesn't explain how Link somehow knows where everything is."

"It's all about knowing how to use it. Triangulation my friend, triangulation."

"That doesn't explain anything!"

"Doesn't it?"

"No!"

"What I think he's saying," Morpha began, "is that he finds three spots and uses them to direct him to where the treasure is... I think. Am I right?"

"You are my friend," Link excitedly praised. "Now that you know the secret to locating chests, all you need is your own compass and we can become treasure buddies!"

Tatl irately sighed, running her hands through her hair. "Morpha, that doesn't even come close to explaining how he knows where _anything_ is. How does he know where the points are?"

"I triangulate the points."

"I don't think you even know what that word means."

Link brightly smiled. "Your thoughts are correct."

"Yay."

"You seem stressed."

"Nah, I'm completely fine. No problems, everything's quite dandy."

"Oh. I'm not quite sure what that means but as long as you're fine..."

"If I had the time I'd so take advantage of you more often."

Link used the compass to locate a chest with a key in the room. After this, Odolwa dubbed him the group's navigator. Once that was done and they learned that the only other door in the room was too high up to access they returned to the main room. During their absence Kotake had located another fairy in a jar at the bottom. "Five down, ten to go!"

The five went to the bottom level, entering the only other hallway that they could. Inside were many Octoroks and a few clams which continuously pestered our heroes. A thin, easily missed red pipe emerged from the water and went to a door high above them. They had almost missed, just as the name implies, it but Tatl had caught it in the corner of her eye.

"This is far too thin and slippery for me, BARINADE!" Barinade announced as he slid off of the pipe. Odolwa faced the same problem.

"I _must_ go!" Odolwa struggled to crawl up the pipe but his large stature combined with its slimy surface made him fall right off.

"It is up to me!" Morpha said. Link picked him up under his arm and ascended the pipe. Using the key from earlier he unlocked the door and entered the room.

"Yeah, you go and scout ahead," Odolwa said. "I'll catch up."

-Elsewhere-

Ganondorf had no idea where he was or how he had gotten there. After entering the temple he had gone forward, flying through the first area and around a very powerful waterfall that blocked his path. The waterfall drained into what seemed to be a large blender that was filled with ten storeys of water.

In the next room he was surprised to find several Gerudo Pirates! "Ganondorf!" Aveil growled, easily remembering how their last encounter had ended.

"Hi. How'd you get in here?"

"We were in that cyclone," one the pirates groaned, "for _so long_."

"The same way that I did then. So why exactly did you decide to sail directly into the tornado? Were you trying to kill yourself in the stupidest way possible?" Ganondorf chuckled, finding their situation amusing. "Whatever. How would you like to help me with something?"

Aveil snorted. "Oh yeah, I'll definitely help you. It worked out so well for me last time, didn't it? Wait, no it didn't!" She pulled out her scimitars and the other two pirates followed suit. "I think it's time for some well deserved revenge."

-Back with Link-

Link threw a bomb at Wart in an attempt to remove its shield of pink bubbles. What he didn't expect was for five bubbles to fall off of the giant floating eyeball and bounce at him. Link dropped Morpha and began to pop them one by one with his sword.

"I never should have come here," Morpha muttered, ignoring the enemies.

One of the bubbles hit Link in the back of the head, knocking him onto his stomach. Link rolled onto his back and dramatically plunged his gilded sword into the bubble's core, his blow making it quietly pop.

Wart opened its eye, watching his battle. It sent out four more bubbles before closing again, floating away. Link was ready for them this time. With a war cry he charged forward, sword hefted high above his head. He cut into the bubbles, dispatching them one by one.

Tatl watched Link go at it with the bubbles. "There's no word for how strange it is to watch an experienced warrior duke it out with giant pink bubbles."

Morpha intercut, "I like 'fucked up' personally."

"A good choice."

Link threw another bomb at Wart, this one detonating just as it opened its eye. Wart shuddered, its bubble armour completely falling off as it fell to the floor. Link screamed loudly and ran from the swarm of fifty giant bubbles. He fled into a corner and began to stab at them, gradually reducing their numbers.

Wart roared... somehow... and slid across the ground, impacting against a wall with enough force to shake the whole room. It turned and repeated with another random wall of the room. It then turned its gaze toward Link, charging straight at him. Link screamed, ducking behind his shield as the monster rampaged toward his corner, breaking bubbles as it went.

Wart crashed into the walls around the corner, stopping inches from Link's shield. The eye roared, trying as hard as it could to hurt the boy. This involved wiggling back and forth.

After several minutes of not dying Link peeked over his shield to see what was going on. Wart was within arm's reach, grinding against the walls in a feeble attempt to reach the hero. Link stared at it for a few seconds before reaching out and poking the eye.

The eyelid closed on his finger, trapping it. It jerked out of the corner, yanking Link out of his safe haven by the finger. It spun in a circle and opened its eye, throwing him spine first into a metal wall. He struggled to his feet, his back throbbing in pain. Wart roared in victory and prepared to charge the barely mobile hero.

The battle was suddenly interrupted when door burst open, spinning across the room, and Odolwa sauntered in. "I successfully shimmied up the pipe," he declared. "What's with the eye?"

"Kill it!" Link groaned, hunched over and grasping his back.

"'Kay." The jungle warrior impaled the enemy on his four metre long sword. "Easy peasy."

"I could have done that," Link pouted. Wart's body suddenly began to shake and flash red. It violently exploded in Odolwa's face, blasting him off of his feet. "Never mind, you did good."

A chest dropped from Wart's body. Link happily opened the chest, pulling out the ice arrows.

"You've found the ice arrows!" Odolwa groaned from the floor. "They... freeze things. Oh god, my back is killing me."

-In the previous room-

They entered the room to see Barinade holding an Octorok by its tentacles, swinging it around. Link, Odolwa and Morpha went down to talk to him but on the way Tatl noticed something about the central platform, a platform too high to reach through normal means. "There's a valve on that thing," she said to them. "We should probably see what it does before we do anything."

"I shall turn it," Odolwa proclaimed. He balanced on the ascending pipe and prepared to jump onto the pillar. However, he slipped and fell, smashing his back against the metal. "AH, SHITTING HELL MY BACK!"

"Anyone else?"

Link shot one of the many Octoroks with an ice arrow. It froze, somehow being encased in a solid cube of ice. Link used it as a stepping stone to jump onto the pillar and turn the valve. The sound of water flooding into a metal pipe resonated through the room and the red pipe began to transport water across the temple. "Now we follow the pipe!"

"Nah, we should leave it," Tatl sarcastically remarked.

"Oh. Whatever you say."

"Just follow the damn pipe."

Link blinked, confused by her apparently conflicting words. "Didn't you just say-" Tatl punched him in the temple and ordered him to follow the pipe.

They swam after the pipe with Barinade pulling the injured Odolwa along by a tentacle. It led back into the room with the skeletal fish and up into a door they hadn't been able to reach last time. Link used the ice arrows to create stepping stones.

Inside, Link was blindsided by a Blue Chuchu. "Hey!" He swatted it away.

The Chuchu was unfazed by this and instead bounced against Barinad'e tentacle. "Stop that." He swatted it across the room where it crashed into another valve. This one was also elevated, its slimy platform keeping it out of reach.

Tatl watched the Chuchu bounce into various members of the group. "That's odd, it doesn't have anything inside of it. It's really just a blob of water."

Link froze the Chuchu and used it to reach the valve.

"I don't think I'll ever understand how your mind works. 'I'll shoot the blob with a magical ice arrow and use it to reach the switch.'"

"My mind's like a clock," Link explained, trying as hard as he could to sound deep and meaningful. "It magically tells us what's correct."

Odolwa nodded at this. "Tatl, I believe you now have your answer."

"I think so too."

The red pipe went back to the main room, going out of the water. The group surfaced, rejoining their companions. "Did you guys do that?" Gohma asked, gesturing toward the geyser that had sprouted in the waterwheel room.

Link chuckled modestly. "Well, yeah. That was me." Odolwa took an aggressive stance. "He did a lot too."

The red pipe led to a massive switch. To reach it they jumped onto the new geyser and then to the platform. As Link wasn't strong enough to move such a large device Gohma turned it for him. A second spray of water came up on the waterwheel, countering the first and stopping it. The temple again lost all power, blanketing the room in darkness.

"I have an idea!" Link announced. "What if we turn off the other one, reversing the flow?"

"Oh, that's genius," Gohma remarked. "Now explain how we find it."

"We can't use our sight, so we'll have to resort to another sense," Link said. "Touch, taste, hearing and thinking. We'll think about where it is!" Gohma punched where she assumed Link was and was rewarded by a yelp and a splash.

"I can use echolocation!" Kotake cackled.

Two thin beams of light appeared in the room, coming directly from Goht's eyes. She scanned across the room, ignoring Link, until the other switch was spotted. "Objective located."

"Good job!" Odolwa praised. "It's just what we expected from our giant mechanical bull."

"I sense an insult incoming."

"You're a girl with a beard, he he."

"Immature cretin."

The large turbine had reversed its direction, letting them access new underwater passages. "By the way, I've got new arrows!" Link shot an ice arrow in a random direction. "Isn't it cool?"

Kotake scoffed turning her head away. "It's all right, but just ask me when you need _real_ magical ice. I have the best ice around, isn't that right Koume?"

"I don't know Kotake. If you ask me, those arrows seem pretty convenient."

A crash resounded through the large room. The sudden noise brought attention away from the direction of the water and to an unnoticed door that had been hidden behind a powerful waterfall this whole time. The water was falling with enough force to sweep anyone caught inside of it into the pool below. "Who wants to be an umbrella for a day?" the fairy asked, looking around for someone that she'd volunteer.

Link shot the waterfall with an ice arrow causing the drain to freeze over, allowing passage. No one asked how it worked.

The room was very large but most of the space was taken up by water, something Morpha was happy about. There were two raised platforms across the pool and a small area where they had entered the room. On one of the platforms was a swordfight between Ganondorf and two Gerudo pirates. A third had been dispatched already; the king of the desert didn't seem to be having much trouble.

"He needs help!" Link cried, pulling out his ice arrows.

The arrival of Link and several monsters (many had opted to stay in the larger antechamber) didn't go unnoticed. Ganondorf saw Link trying to help, his eyes widening in fear. "No! Don't do anything!"

Link released the arrow. "Huh?"

His accuracy with the ice arrows was not up to par with the fire arrows. The ice arrow came so close to impaling Ganondorf through the head that he could feel the cold magic in his hair. Ganondorf deflected one of Aveil's strikes and kicked her a few metres, giving him time to yell at Link. "Stop helping! You're going to fucking kill mAAAHHHHHH! I'LL KILL YOU!"

One of the ice arrows was now sticking out of his temple, the area around it being slowly encroached in ice.

"Sorry," Link murmured. "At least you're alive."

"Something that I'm impressed by," Tatl commented. "Now I want to test what you can survive."

Aveil moved in on the distracted Gerudo, using one scimitar to bat his black sword out of the way and the other to slash at his open throat. She was shocked when it lightly cut the skin and resulted in a small trickle of blood. "That's not right."

Ganondorf tore the arrow from his head, getting angrier every second. "I've had enough of all this _bullshit_!" He held up his fist, the Triforce symbol briefly flashing on the back. Yellow energy began to gather around his fist in an electrical form, illuminating the room. Ganondorf reared back his fist and then drove it into Aveil's face, launching her through the steel walls and far out of the temple.

The forgotten pirate walked off, whistling innocently.

Ganondorf watched the energy dissipate. He flexed his hand, commenting, "That really helped my stress levels."

Odolwa, Link and Tatl went over to talk to the king of evil, leaving the few monsters back near the entrance. Gohma subtly nudged Barinade. "Did you see that symbol on his fist?"

"I, BARINADE, see all that is! It is to be expected of one as magnificent as I!"

"Well did you see what I'm talking about?"

Barinade loudly laughed, drawing some attention from the others. "There is little that I do not know of."

"You weren't looking were you?"

"I was not."


	27. Swimming with the Fishy

_I'm trying to get this story done by December-January but busy levels have skyrocketed. I plan to find ways to fit this into my schedule. After all, if you enjoy something you should find a way to do it._

_In exchange for that lengthy break, here's a lengthy chapter!_

_Published October 3, 2010._

**Swimming with the Fishy**

-Night of the Final Day, Great Bay Temple-

Link turned another switch, activating a third pipeline. "Let us go!" Odolwa exclaimed. "Same people as last time, guys."

Ganondorf coughed loudly.

"He can come too."

Odolwa, Zora Link, Tatl, Barinade, Morpha and Ganondorf followed the new pipe through a tunnel, using the reversed current to guide them. Ganondorf was thrown around the small tunnel, crashing into walls as he spun through the metal hall. He let out a roar of fury that was muffled by the water.

The room that they arrived in was full of mines like the ones in the pirate fortress. "Hey guys, I have a great idea. Let's never do that again!"

"I, BARINADE, enjoyed it."

"Well you're also a tentacle freak with a hammer."

Barinade was taken aback by this claim. "You have the audacity to openly insult me, the great BARINADE? I commend your bravery but on the other hand I hate you." Barinade blindsided Ganondorf with the Megaton Hammer.

Ganondorf staggered backwards, clutching his face. "What the hell? Why would you hit someone in the face with a fucking hammer?"

Barinade observed Ganondorf, not distressed over his bloodthirsty rage. "Interesting. It appears that Gohma's observations were correct. Without me, we would not know this."

"Stop talking to yourself!" Ganondorf snapped.

Using Morpha's water controlling abilities they bypassed the puzzles in that room and claimed both of the fairies hidden there. "I'm glad Kotake isn't here," Tatl said.

The next room was even larger than the previous one and was full of giant seesaws. "We need to reach that switch up there," Odolwa analyzed. "The question is: how?"

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade quickly grabbed Odolwa by the neck and, before he could protest, hurled the jungle warrior at the elevated platform where the switch sat. He crashed head first into the valve.

"I'm surprised that you didn't get thrown, kid," Ganondorf commented. "These things usually happen to you."

"That's because Odolwa's the 'leader' of the group now," Tatl laughed. "He's now learning what the duties of the leader consist of: blinding pain."

"I think I understand why Link's so stupid now."

Odolwa staggered to his feet above them. "Ganondorf could have flown up here you douche!"

Ganondorf shrugged dismissively. "I wasn't planning to."

-Up with the others-

"I'm bored," King Dodongo abruptly announced. He was lying on his back and if it wasn't for his open eyes then the others would have thought that he was asleep. Only Kingy, Goht and Gohma remained as the two Gerudo witches had gone to frolic in the whirpools, looking for fairies.

"Then go and try to advertise to those Zoras back there," Gohma grunted. "We know you've been pleading to get customers."

"Nah," King Dodongo said, waving off the suggestion. "They'll just forget when we restart everything."

"Go do it anyway because I'm getting tired of hearing you constantly rant on how bored you are."

"Well excuse me for expressing myself."

"Express yourself creatively. Make a painting."

"Where would I make a painting in this place?"

"That's the point," Gohma sighed irritably. "I'm telling you to go screw around somewhere else so I don't have to hear your constant whining!"

"Cease your petty arguments," Goht interrupted, approaching the bickering duo. "If I continue to hear you two quarrelling like an old married couple I'll likely experience my first head ache. I will run you both into the ground, face first, and drag you until your heads are splattered over a kilometre of ground should that happen. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Loud and clear," King Dodongo answered, slightly scared by the robot's change in demeanour. The threat of course didn't faze him; Goht's threat wasn't in the same league as one of Princess Zelda's threats. Gohma sighed contentedly at this.

-Hyrule Castle-

Zelda felt an odd sense of accomplishment.

-Back underwater-

Barinade turned the third and final valve. A geyser beside them sprang to life, opening the way to the boss door. "We're almost done," Link declared. He crossed the gap (cautiously using the geyser) and approached the door.

Odolwa quickly jumped across the gap. "Yes, we are almost there!" he said in an even louder voice. "Now open the door and let us face the horror that waits!" Link nodded and took out his sword, jabbing it into the keyhole and sliding it around. "I- What are you doing?"

"Well we don't have the key so I'm trying to open it." A loud crack echoed through the chamber. Link cheered and tried to pull the lock off but it didn't budge. He glanced at his sword and quickly sheathed it, turning to the others.

"Link?" Tatl cautiously said.

"Yeah?"

"What happened to your sword?"

"What sword?" Link quickly retorted. "I don't have a sword, stop imagining things magical fairy person."

"All right... We need the key. So where do we get it?"

Link pulled the compass from his pocket, looking down at it. After a moment he took three steps to the right and then looked at it again. He stepped back twice and then looked at it a third time. "I've found it!"

They swam to the top of the temple and returned the water flow to normal at Link's request. He led them back to the room with the compass and created platforms on the water with the ice arrows. They crossed them and found a door that they seen in their last trip to that room but hadn't remembered to return to after getting the ice arrows. They smashed through the many icicles surrounding the door.

"This place confuses me," Ganondorf said as he shattered the ice that covered the door. The six proceeded into the next room.

Ganondorf was blindsided by a Gekko – dropkicked in the face when he least expected it. He swung his fist out to hit it away but it was already hopping across the room, laughing loudly.

Along with the Gekko the room was full of massive semitransparent blobs, almost like eyeless Chuchus. The Gekko picked up a blob and threw it at them from across the room. The blob hit Odolwa, knocking him onto his back and enveloping the leader. "Ew, it's sticky!"

The Gekko threw another blob at them. Ganondorf backhanded it out of the air and stormed toward the frog, an aura of dark energy pulsing around his body. It kicked another blob at him only for it to have the same result. The Gekko started to panic, fleeing from the Gerudo King. "Oh no you fucking don't! I'm getting sick..." He kicked a blob aside. "...and tired..." He began to gather the dark energy in his hand. "...of-"

Link shot a fire arrow at the Gekko, hitting it in the abdomen.

"I'll kill you."

The Gekko called into the air and all of the blobs immediately converged onto him, merging into an even larger blob.

"Wait a minute!" Link pulled out Don Gero's Mask, putting it on and looking at the Gekko. "We can talk this out!"

The Gekko tilted its head for a moment before the giant blob rushed forward, ensnaring Link. The Gekko began to slap him around before ejecting him from the ooze.

Odolwa charged the blob, his sword held high. He brought the giant blade down on the blob only for it to be pulled from his hand. The sword turned around and stabbed out of the blob, barely missing him. "That was _way_ too close," he backed out of range and the blob retreated to the ceiling.

"Get used to it Mr. Leader," Tatl commented.

Link shot the blob with an ice arrow, freezing it solid. It fell from above and crashing into the floor, shattering into smaller blobs once again. The Gekko was temporarily stunned by the impact.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade hit it in the head with his hammer, killing the frog in one hit. "Pathetic amphibian, thinking that it could stand up to the unstoppable force that is BARINADE!"

"Yes, yes, you're so mighty," Tatl sighed. "So where's that key?"

-Back in the boss room-

The whole group was gathered before the padlocked door. It had been difficult to get King Dodongo down there, _extremely_ difficult.

Link unlocked the door and pulled the golden chains off, watching it slide open. "And in we go!"

Bongo Bongo glanced at the quiet Odolwa. "I thought you were in charge."

He shrugged in response. "I've got a new outlook," he explained. "I figure that I can let Link deal with the near death incidents and then, when it's all over, stab him through the face and take credit for everything."

"That's a pretty dark plan," Bongo Bongo commented.

"I like it."

Ganondorf gave Odolwa a pat on the back as he passed him. "We'll talk later."

"I'm interested."

The boss room was small, too small for all of them to fit inside. A hole was in the middle with a bottom that was too far down to see. "Where's the enemy?" King Dodongo asked from the back. "Is he dead yet?"

"Looks like we gotta jump," Tatl said. "Who's first?"

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade tossed Morpha into the pit.

"FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Morpha screamed. "I hate you and everyone you know!" He disappeared from view.

Everyone stared down the hole, waiting. "You there?" Odolwa yelled.

"Of course I'm here!" Morpha screamed. "Now get down here so I can kill you all! You'll learn what happens when you mess with the epitome of power, oh yes, I'll enjoy peeling your skin from your bones..."

The ball's rants were tuned out as the group began to talk. "Judging by the volume of his voice the pit is thirty one metres deep, give or take a few millimetres. Echoes have been included in the calculation," Goht analyzed.

"All right, let's go!" Link hopped into the pit, falling into the darkness. A loud crack sounded up at them as well as many threats from Morpha.

"Link? You okay?" Tatl yelled down.

"My legs bend where they shouldn't when I walk, but I think it'll pass."

"Enough talk, it is time for BARINADE to take action!" The anemone jumped into the hole.

"Wait, I'm staaAAHHH-" His screams were abruptly silenced.

They began to filter down the hole, one by one. Eventually just Goht and King Dodongo remained at the top. Goht looked up at the giant and then at the pit "You may go first."

The dragon laughed to himself. "HERE I COME!" He slid down the hole, landing face first in the space that had been cleared for his landing. "That... wasn't..." Goht gracefully landed on his back, using his flesh as a cushion.

Once everyone was down they were able to take a look at their position. The group (barely) fit onto a large circular platform. Around it was dark, still water that their gaze couldn't penetrate. "Now what?" Gohma grunted, eying the water.

"Toss me in!" Morpha happily suggested, an ominous tone present in his voice.

"Yes, why wouldn't we throw you in water right after that very vivid evisceration threat toward us?"

A loud laughter suddenly filled the room, echoing through its emptiness. "Like lambs to the slaughter!" the deep voice roared.

"That you Gyorg?" Odolwa asked, looking for the source. "It's me, Odolwa!"

"Odolwa?" the voice, now known as Gyorg, repeated. The water began to rumble. "Odolwa? Who's the fucking wimpy fishy NOW?"

The platform shook violently, knocking everyone off of their feet. "Ha ha," Bongo Bongo laughed.

A large grey fish, easily as large as King Dodongo, leapt from the water and over their heads, staring at the downed heroes. Gyorg submerged on the other side of them, saying, "So many to choose from; I feel like a kid in a candy store!"

**Gyorg  
**_Gargantuan Masked Fish  
_Likes: Swimming with the fishies  
Dislikes: Land dwellers  
Distinguishing Characteristic: Can't see the colour orange

Odolwa was punched by Tatl the moment he stood up. "You really need to shut the fuck up!"

"It's not my fault I teased him relentlessly," Odolwa muttered, rubbing his head.

"THAT'S COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!"

Not everyone was in a bad mood from this revelation. "_Now_ can you throw me in?" Morpha giddily asked.

"Why are you asking?" Link asked. "You have the Bomb Mask to move, remember?"

Morpha paused. "Oh yeah..." He detonated the mask, flying into the water. He quickly swam to the surface and began to create a large whirlpool around himself. "Do you see this?" he roared as the whole pool began to spin. "This is the power-"

Gyorg swam at Morpha and nonchalantly swallowed him. The water fell still once more.

The group stared at Gyorg's dorsal fin as he submerged into the water. "So," Ganondorf began, "who wants to go next?"

Gyorg crashed into the platform again, unbalancing many of them. During this moment of weakness he jumped from his hiding place, flying straight at Odolwa. The target, unable to react quickly enough, was pulled into the water by his leg. Odolwa yelled out and tried to stab Gyorg but the fish was faster, dodging the blow and tearing at his arm.

"The water's getting mighty red," Ganondorf commented. "If I were a better person I'd probably suggest that we all help him."

Tatl rolled her eyes. "The day that I see a kind act from you is the day Link pronounces disestablishmentarianism."

Link seemed to perk up at this. "So if I say disentabliwhatever, Ganondorf will become a nice guy?"

"For a day," Ganondorf amusedly added.

Odolwa punched Gyorg in the nose, freeing him long enough to surface. "HEY! I NEED HELP!" Gyorg spun, slapping him back underwater with his tail.

"Disappearanicaniman," Link said.

"That was dreadful," Gohma commented. "I hope you choke on your tongue and die."

"How would I choke on my tongue?"

Gohma flexed her very sharp tail. "If you really want to know..."

Odolwa stuck his face out of the water again. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING? I'M DYING OVER HERE!" Gyorg latched onto his torn up knee and swam around the perimeter, grinding him across the wall and leaving a blood smear behind.

"Dinastonishmentia. I wasn't really listening the first time. Can you say it again?"

"Odolwa has lost nine litres of blood," Goht reported.

Tatl, ignoring Link, looked over at Odolwa. He was floating on his back, several muscles still twitching as Gyorg moved in. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"He will heal."

Gyorg threw Odolwa from the water, his body crashing into Goht. "And you!" He paused. "You suck!" Gyorg spun, splashing the group with a large wave of water.

Goht's eyes glowed red. "I do not approve of water getting between my parts."

"Sexy," Odolwa murmured from his barely conscious state. She stomped on his ribs, likely shattering one.

Electricity gathered between Goht's horns which she fired into the water, covering the pool with electrical currents. The surface shone white momentarily and soon died down, leaving the room silent. "The annoying fish has been terminated."

"SURPRISE!" Gyorg bounded out of the water, impaling Goht on his horn. He withdrew and turned, slapping half of the team with his tail while sliding back into the depths. "That's what you get for fucking with the pump systems! It took me weeks to get everything perfect and poison the bay. Do you know how hard it is to turn a valve when you're a fish?"

Goht fell over, gears and wires clearly visible through the gaping hole. "I don't understand. That much electricity coursing through the water and into his internal organs should have killed him."

"Well it didn't so get over the pain and do it again!" Tatl snapped.

"Analyzing outer casing. External damage extensive. Cooling unit obliterated. System reboot necessary. This unit will shift into standby mode while replacement part is acquired. Should you not receive your replacement part in six to eight weeks, send a letter to 1 Clock Tower Boulevard." Goht's eyes turned black.

"Well that's bad. Anyone else have any ideas?"

"We can solve it with flames," Koume cackled. "When you roast a fish it dies, yes?"

"You roast it when it's already dead, Koume" Kotake countered. "We should freeze it first with ice!"

"I don't like my food frozen, Kotake. It loses a lot of taste when you do so."

"That's untrue Koume and you know it. It adds a plethora of tastes when covered it ice but your tongue is too primitive to notice such greatness."

"Ice does not do that you fool! Your brain, which stupidly thinks that ice is far superior to fire, thinks that ice adds taste so you taste more. It's all in your head."

"Hey!" Gyorg roared from the water. "Fish are not to be eaten! We are a proud genus and one to be feared when angered!"

There was a brief pause before the downed Odolwa burst into laughter. He rolled around on the floor, grasping his ribs while he howled with hilarity. "My chest hurts," he managed to throw in.

Gyorg rammed the platform, shaking it with more force than before. "I will not stand for your mockery! Like a pit bull from hell, I will bring a pain that not even death will end!"

Tatl stomped on Odolwas ribs, abruptly cutting off his laughter. "Stop pissing him off or we're throwing you back in!"

Odolwa coughed, some blood dripping out from under his mask. "I'll shut up."

"BANZAI!" King Dodongo charged into the water, coincidentally falling on top of the gargantuan fish. He grabbed Gyorg in his claws and bit into his back, ripping at the flesh. Gyorg spun, tearing out of his grip, and jabbed at the dragon with his horn. It dug into his shoulder and was followed by Gyorg sliding it through his upper arm. King Dodongo ignored the wound and attempted to grab the fish with his other arm. Gyorg easily dodged him and swam away, putting some distance between them.

"Ha, afraid, aren't you?" King Dodongo roared after sticking his head out of the water. Gyorg prepared to charge.

Gohma sighed at his obliviousness toward Gyorg's intent. "You have to be the stupidest colossus I've ever met." She jumped into the water, shoulder checking Gyorg before he could impale King Dodongo. They both ganged up on Gyorg, forcing him against a wall and attacking.

Unfortunately, their manoeuvrability wasn't nearly as good as Gyorg's and he slipped around them. He stabbed Gohma, quickly spinning and slapping King Dodongo in the back of the head. King Dodongo attempted to hit him with his own tail but Gyorg dodged that as well.

Gohma saw everyone else standing on the platform, watching them. "What the hell are you guys doing? Get in here!"

They watched Gyorg ram Gohma, smashing her against the wall he had just been pinned on. "I can't wait to get in on that," Ganondorf sarcastically commented. He gathered a ball of energy in his palm. "Instead of jumping in like a retard and getting stabbed to death, I think I'll just do _this_!" He threw the ball, hitting Gyorg in the right eye.

Gyorg began to flail, roaring as his eye was burned by the energy. "COWARD!" he bellowed. "Throwing something like that at a poor fish..."

"You mean I hurt the master species?" Ganondorf gasped, feigning shock.

Gyorg glared at him through his unhurt eye. "Your death will be quick and painful."

"Don't you mean-"

Gyorg shot out of the water, catching Ganondorf by the torso and pulling him into the water. "Mother fuck-" He was cut off by a sudden submerging.

Link jumped to the edge of the platform. "Don't worry Ganondorf, I'll save you!"

Ganondorf's eyes widened and he began to frantically struggle against Gyorg's jaw. He began to blast at the fish with magic when Link pulled back an arrow, closing an eye and taking aim. He let the arrow loose.

"MOTHER FUCKER! What is with you bastards and the eye?" The arrow had hit Gyorg's right eye. Ganondorf escaped from his jaw in this moment of opportunity, flying out of the water.

Tatl nodded in approval, her eyebrows raised. "Wow. That was actually a good shot. So what were you aiming for?"

Link shrugged. "I dunno. I kind of just shot."

Gyorg rammed the platform again. As Link was standing at the edge, he fell in and ended up right in front of the beast. In a flash of intelligence Link quickly put the Zora's Mask on and took off, narrowly escaping being eaten by a single bite.

Gyorg pursued Link, easily outracing him. He tried to bite again but Link turned sharply, heading back to the platform. "Just like a game of cat and mouse!"

From behind him, Gohma rose on her tail and slammed down on his back. "Stop with the similes!" she snapped.

"Fucking- How the hell are you talking underwater?" They were at the bottom of the somewhat deep pool. Gohma shrugged and attacked again.

Link sprang from the water, intent on landing on the platform where he'd be safe. His timing was off however and he fell short, crashing face first into the metal with enough force to be propelled backwards. A loudly crack was heard throughout the chamber.

Gyorg finally hit Gohma unconscious and returned his focus to Link. Seeing him dazed and weak, the fish charged, his mouth wide open.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade screamed, blasting electricity into the air. Gyorg paused to stare at the apparently insane anemone long enough for Link to regain what little sense he had in the first place. He swam at the platform again and, once more, crashed into it.

"Just climb out!" Tatl yelled as she flew over to him.

Gyorg had a straightaway at Link. He charged like a shark, his mouth like a gapping black hole that was ready to envelop Link. Link screamed and, just as the fish started to close his mouth on him, threw up his electric blue Zora shield. Gyorg flashed blue and was launched back, crashing into the wall opposite them. He floated to the surface, still.

Link blinked, his body's desire to piss itself in fear leaving him. "That was easy."

"Morpha got eaten."

"It only took an arrow and some blue stuff."

"That's called electricity."

"Dibestablishmentarianism."

"Surprisingly close."

To everyone's surprise, Morpha emerged from underneath Gyorg. He silently floated over to them, merely saying, "Don't ask for details or I'll drown you."

With everyone accounted for they all gathered on the platform. Ganondorf glared up at Bongo Bongo. "Why weren't _you_ fighting? You're fucking enormous and have that weird unconnected hand thing going for you."

Bongo Bongo glanced at Gyorg for a moment. "No reason," he meekly responded. "You guys were doing perfectly fine without me."

"Oh bullshit." He turned to Barinade. "And what about you?"

"I, BARINADE, was looking for the perfect moment to dramatically leap into the fray and engage in glorious combat with the foe. Unfortunately I got bored waiting and started to draw on Odolwa's shield."

Odolwa turned his shield around. "Wow. That's a lot of detail for blood smears."

"I especially like the mandibles."

The platform rumbled, halting all conversations. "What?" Tatl said, curious about why everyone had gone quiet.

Ganondorf looked over to where Gyorg had been floating only to see empty space. "I think we have a problem."

The great fish dramatically emerged from the water, pulling himself onto the platform. A ferocious snarl covered his face and an arrow was still imbedded in the white of his right eye. Bongo Bongo noticeably backed away. "You're all dead!" Gyorg roared. "I'll fucking slaughter each and every one of you!"

"DONKEY KICK!" King Dodongo turned around and back-kicked Gyorg in the face, almost throwing him back into the water.

"BARINADE FOLLOW UP!" Barinade charged his hammer with electricity and swung it down on Gyorg's head.

"Uh... Super awesome Odolwa finisher!" Odolwa tried to stab Gyorg but, in his present state, the fish easily caught the blade in his mouth, tearing it from Odolwa's hands and throwing it into the water. "Screw this. Fire dance time!" Odolwa danced wildly, summoning a ring of fire around Gyorg.

"NO! Fire, my one weakness!" Gyorg tried to get away from the heat but found himself trapped. To everyone's surprise, he began to shrink. He screamed profanities at them until he stopped shrinking, ending up around the size of a large dog.

"How unusual," Gohma grunted, swatting the fire away and picked Gyorg up by the tail. He snapped at her but she held him far away enough so he couldn't get any bites. "So fire makes you shrink?"

Gyorg didn't respond, he just growled.

"I don't think he can talk anymore," Link said, watching from behind the scorpion-arachnid.

"I can talk perfectly well!"

"Hey! Be nice to the stupid kid." Gohma waved him through the air but was forced to let go when Gyorg managed to bite her claw. "I vote that we crush him."


	28. The Quest for Milk

_And I return once more to bring another chapter! Seeing as Ikana is my favourite part of the game you should expect it to last significantly longer than the previous locations. My goal was to have the story completed by new year but I'm not sure if I can meet that deadline right now. It definitely won't take as long as Ocarina of Time though, I can assure you that._

_Also, part two of the Demon's Souls October event starts today! Woo hoo!_

_Published October 19, 2010 _

**The Quest for Milk**

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you especially..."

Gyorg's raving screams were ignored as the group stood around Goht (with King Dodongo half-heartedly pinning the shrunken fish), assessing her injuries. "So what do we do about the gaping hole?" Tatl wondered aloud.

"We could just steal the parts from the current timeline's Goht," Link suggested. Everyone went quiet, staring at him with horrified expressions. "What?"

"You want us to kill something and tear out its organs?" Odolwa overdramatically questioned. "I am shocked."

"This is a new low for you," King Dodongo said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"Huh?"

"Even _I_ am not so cruel!" Ganondorf gasped, acting completely over-the-top and obviously being sarcastic.

"Wait, you've all got it wrong!" Link defended.

"Oh really?" Odolwa got right in his face. "Then what exactly were you inferring?"

"In... huh?"

"He doesn't know the word, game over," Gohma grunted. "Can we move on? I have a civilization to play false idol to and I want to get back to that as quickly as possible."

"Ah yes, we forgot that you were Great Cthulu," King Dodongo growled.

Gohma glared at the goliath. "For the record, it is Allacalulu and you're just jealous of my accomplishments."

"False god to shrubbery. I envy you so badly right now."

"ENOUGH TALK!" Gyorg roared. "I'm tired of listening to you argue and completely ignore me!"

"Well you don't exactly pose a threat anymore," Tatl hesitantly told him. "I mean, you're so small." Gyorg shot off of the ground, almost snatching her out of the air. "Hey! No need to get jumpy."

"Ba-dum CHA." Gyorg glared at Odolwa.

Link tore off the mask on Gyorg's face, leaving his completely identical face revealed. "You've seized Gyorg's remains!" Odolwa declared. "You have just freed the innocent spirit that this dark mask had kept imprisoned within the body of evil Gyorg!"

"Oh he wasn't so innocent."

A blue portal appeared on the platform. "See?" Tatl gestured toward the portal. "That means that we've won."

"NO! I've done so much! I wrecked the fucking ocean, that's more than any of you traitorous assholes did! You poisoned a swamp, she made it snowy and Twinmold brought some dead people back to life. It's the world's water supply, and _I_ ruined it, ME!"

Link scooped Gyorg into a bottle, corking it.

"IS FUCKIN TINNY IH HER!"

-Through the portal-

Once again, only Link, Tatl, Ganondorf, Koume and Kotake stood on the pedestal in the giant's realm. "Greetings once more," Ganondorf yelled as they arrived.

"Hey, can you tell us why only we come here?" Tatl asked the giant. It began to roar, and she translated. "Dark... beasts... can... not... enter... this... pure... room... Dark beasts cannot enter this pure room?"

"But they're not dark," Link said. "They're all so nice!"

"Yup. They're such a charming bunch... Now, big guys! We want you to lend us your power. Everything's going to hell out there and we need guardians like you guys to save the world! Surely you can stop this madness! Tael said to look for you after all! I mean, I know he's a bit behind mentally but he has his flashes of brilliance every so often... Okay, he's a complete idiot but this has all been right so far. I mean, you guys aren't harbingers of death after all, right?"

"Fairy," Ganondorf interrupted. "That's probably enough."

The giant continued roaring. "Help... our... friend... I get it. We have to help the last one before they do anything."

"What's so great about the last one?" Ganondorf asked. "Can't three of you do anything? Your arms are as wide as my old room. Can't you just punch out the Skull Kid?"

"Your room was larger than that," Koume said.

"I can't even stand up in it anymore!"

"We didn't think you'd be over eight feet tall when we gave you that room," Kotake argued. "Isn't that right, Koume?"

"Yes it is, Kotake."

-Zora Cape-

The five of them returned to the Great Bay, ending up where they had first met the turtle. Before them was the rest of the group, all tightly packed on the rocky edge.

"Now I can continue resting in peace," the turtle said. "I too must abide the laws of ancient times and again merely watch from my deep slumber."

"That kinda sucks," Odolwa said. "Aren't there any other giant turtles that you can hang out with?"

"I'm afraid not."

"There are really big sea snakes," Link added.

Tatl sighed at this. "Which we killed."

"Oh yeah..."

-Inside-

"Mikau, there you are," Evan said to Zora Link as he and Tatl entered the hall. "Lulu got her voice back, you did great."

"Aw, well... Yeah, I did."

"She wants to talk to you. Everyone's on the stage, I think we're going to have another rehearsal. You'll probably love getting to play again after so long."

"Oh, about that," Tatl quickly interjected. "He... hurt both of his hands so he probably won't be able to play."

Evan shrugged, unfazed. "You can just use your feet again, right Mikau?"

They hesitantly travelled to the stage, approaching Lulu and the rest of the band. "Mikau! You came back safely!" Lulu exclaimed.

"Of course! The good guy always finishes the job in perfect condition!"

"Yeah, because you're always at the top of your game," Tatl muttered to herself.

"That's good..." Lulu paused, seemingly lost in thought. "I was surprised when my voice turned that lonely island into a turtle. But that song you played for me... My mother used to sing it often. Those eggs were laid to remind me of that. That song was from when I was a very young child, so I had forgotten it."

"HURRY UP IN THERE!" Ganondorf screamed from outside. "The moon is ominously close!"

"Yeah, enough chit chat, get to the main course," Tatl said.

"Fucking fairies and their superiority complexes," Lulu murmured.

"Oh fuck you."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck _you_!"

"It's so great to see Lulu back to normal," another Zora said, wiping a tear out of his eye.

"I missed her blatant hate of other races too."

"WAIT!" Link suddenly screamed, his face filled with horror. "I forgot to go back for the awesome milk!"

From outside Morpha yelled, "Dammit! I knew I was forgetting something!"

"Seeing the group dynamics back is wonderful," Evan said, smiling. "This calls for an orgy!"

"Woo-hoo!" a Zora cheered. "I love orgies!"

"Yay!" Lulu joyfully exclaimed, forgetting about Tatl. "Let's go!" All of the Zoras began to march off for another room, talking about their love of orgies. Tatl pulled Link back.

"Tatl, what's an orgy?"

She gained a contemplative look for a moment. "It's group sex."

"Oh. What's that?"

"I don't think you'll _ever_ find out."

"I could ask them." He pointed at the ecstatic fish people.

"Yeah, I think it's time to go."

"But I want to go to the orgy," Link whined, barely putting up a fight against the fairy's grip.

"Outside. Now."

Tatl pulled the pouting Link back outside, joining everyone else. The ground shook for a moment though Ganondorf seemed to be the only one who was paying attention to it. "Did I hear-"

"No," Tatl said, cutting Odolwa off. "Now let's never speak of this again."

The shaking came back, stronger than ever before. "I think we have an issue," Ganondorf said, pointing to the east. Everyone looked only to see the moon surrounded by a wave of fire as it crashed into the ground. The giant chunk of rock created a violent explosion, obliterating the region and everything around it. They silently stared at the destruction in the distance.

"Song of Time?" Link asked aloud.

"Song of Time," Tatl confirmed.

Ganondorf loudly cleared his throat, gaining their attention. "I believe that I was to gain the ocarina after the three days had passed. From what I can tell by the rising sun and the apocalyptic explosion, three days have gone by." He held out his hand. "So pass it here."

"Disestablishmentarianism?"

"Nice try." Link quickly played the Song of Time, barely avoiding the shockwave of fire that the moon had sent out.

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"I hate you." Ganondorf kicked Link into a random stall, breaking both it and his bones.

"So shall we go to the east now?" Tatl asked the monsters, ignoring the standard panic that they caused by being there.

"Milk," Link groaned from the shattered stall. "Must... milk."

"I agree!" Morpha shouted. "We have the power to control the flow of time and must abuse it at every chance we get! The first step to abuse is to fulfil our every whim, so let us acquire milk. Morpha has spoken!"

"Exactly!" Gohma grabbed a random civilian and ate him in one bite. "Now will this have any consequences ever again? No, I didn't think so."

"How did you do that with no mouth?" Odolwa questioned. "Speaking of which, how do you speak?"

"Figure it out yourself."

Tatl decided that it was time to stop them from going nuts again. "I understand what you're saying, but it just wouldn't be right to- HEY! Big Greenie! Stop trying to rob Greenie Junior!" Ganondorf was holding Link by the ankle, searching his body for the ocarina.

The desert king scowled. "The three days went by. The instrument of ultimate power is mine now and you know it."

"Put the idiot down," Gohma growled, flexing her pincers at him. "And don't drop him on his head. We don't need him to become any worse." Ganondorf let go, dropping him head first into the wood.

"Diabekubawuba," Link slurred out, his intense agony overpowering his urge to speak.

From his limp body rolled a corked bottle. The cork popped off and Gyorg squeezed out, gasping for air. "You're... all... mad," he gasped, breathing in as much oxygen as he could.

King Dodongo stared down at Gyorg for a moment. "Aren't you a fish?" he asked.

Everyone looked at the dragon, left speechless by his question. "No, I'm a fucking giraffe. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?"

"Wait, no!" King Dodongo finally realized how intensely stupid his question sounded. "I was just wondering how you're breathing above water."

"Magic."

From there the group split up. Odolwa, Ganondorf, Koume, Kotake, Gohma, King Dodongo, and Bongo Bongo dragged Gyorg and Goht up to Snowhead to get her fixed while the rest of them went on their quest for milk.

"I, the great BARINADE, am curious of this milk that you speak of," Barinade announced as he followed Link down Milk Road. "I do not believe that I have ever had such a substance before.

"It's incredible," Link said. "You've never lived until you've had milk."

"Milk is the drink of the gods," Morpha continued. "That is why it is so fitting that I drink it. After all, who else has enough power to claim the title of God of All Water?"

"Really guys," Tatl sighed, "it's just milk."

"_Just_ milk?" Morpha gasped, offended by her audacity. "There is no such thing as _just_ milk! All milk is as incredible as myself."

"So all milk is a feeble blue ball that can't do anything without the help of a giant tentacled thing with a hammer?"

"I, BARINADE, WAS JUST MENTIONED!" Barinade roared.

"I am not feeble!" Morpha snapped, trying as hard as he could to ignore Barinade. This was difficult when said tentacle monster was carrying him.

"Of course you aren't, are you?" Tatl began to scratch him like a dog. "Who's a good ball? You're a good ball." Morpha detonated the Bomb Mask.

They continued down Milk Road though on the way they came across two men who looked like twins. One was wearing blue overalls and the other wore yellow. "Heya there," the brother in blue said. "Won'tcha buy some fresh milk?"

"I like milk." Link handed him a few rupees and filled one of his bottles with watery milk.

"Now this is just between you and me... That milk they produce down yonder at Romani Ranch is watered down a bit. It ain't worth drinkin'. We don't do that kinda thing down here. Ours is the real deal."

"But it tasted great before," Link gasped.

He shrugged. "I guess you've never tasted any real milk."

They continued down Milk Road, watching Barinade as he somehow downed the bottle. "Well?"

Barinade tossed the bottle back to Link. "It wasn't really that great. Kinda watery actually. BARINADE IS DISAPPOINTED!"

-Snowhead Temple-

Bongo Bongo was currently pulling apart the Goht from the current cycle, trying to find the parts they needed. Odolwa was sitting against a wall with Gyorg at his side. The fish was sitting upright on the ground, holding himself up with his fins. "I have a question," the fish said. "Why are you pulling me around?"

"It seems to just happen," Odolwa answered. "You get beaten, end up following everyone else around for a bit and eventually up being friends with everyone. Right guys?"

"I hate you all," Gohma grunted.

Ganondorf's brow furrowed as he delved into his memories. "I don't think I've experienced any form of happiness since this all started."

"I doubt that I'll end up going through that," Gyorg said. "Now kill me or I'll tear off your hand."

Odolwa laughed, scratching the fish just above his horn. "You're so silly." Gyorg jerked around, tearing Odolwa's hand off at the wrist. He smiled contently as the jungle warrior screamed and swore.

"I think I've got it done," Bongo Bongo said as he attached the last wire. Goht's eyes flickered back to life and she stood up.

"I feel odd. What happened?"

"The fishy stabbed you," Odolwa said, patting Gyorg on the head.

"Didn't I just bite that hand off?"

"You turned off and we had to get you a new cooling unit," Odolwa continued. "So we just tore one out of that you and now everything is fine. Isn't that right little fishy?" Gyorg sprung up and stabbed Odolwa just below the collarbone with his significantly long horn.

"Interesting," Goht said. As Odolwa suffering was just as common as Link suffering they could ignore it by now. "Are you sure that everything was placed properly?"

"Not sure," Bongo Bongo answered. "I was kinda winging it."

-Termina Field-

Having made the deal to help protect the cows, Link was killing time by looking around the field. He was sprinting across the ground on Epona's back, shooting at random Chuchus and pulling arrows from the grass when needed. He continued this until long after sundown.

"Link, I think you've unnecessarily ended enough life," Tatl yawned, getting tired of the senseless death. "Aren't you tired of that yet?"

"Nah, this is pretty fun," he said. "Hey, what's that?" An eeno from northern Termina field threw a snowball at him, knocking the boy off of his horse. Epona trotted off, either unaware or uncaring of her rider's absence. "No! Come back!" He ran after her.

"I, BARINADE, grow weary of this." Barinade wandered off with Morpha in tow. Tatl chose to follow Link in case he got eaten by a random Dodongo. She wasn't sure what she'd do if it happened but it would be nice to know.

Tatl rounded the corner of a wall, not spotting Link at all. "Link?" A faint tune reached her ears, raising the levels of confusion. "What the hell is that?" Tatl followed the song and eventually saw Link standing on top of one of the giant stone mushrooms beside a pale, dancing man with a beer belly wearing only a tight blue speedo. The song seemed to be originating from him.

She floated over to Link, looking at the dancing man. "Uh, hi."

"I am no longer part of the living," the man said. "My sadness to the moon... I haven't left my dance to the world... I am filled with regret."

The fairy blinked. She leaned closer to Link, whispering, "Who the hell is this guy and why are we still here?"

"He just appeared out of mid air," Link whispered in response. "He said some weird things and I don't know what to do."

"Translation: I am disappointed, oh moon. I have died!" the man said, simplifying his previous statement.

"I got that," Tatl said, slowly floating away.

"Oh, I planned to bring the world together and stir it into a giant melting pot with my dance!" he ruefully proclaimed, never stopping his dance. "If only I had taught my new dance to another before my end had come..."

Link snapped to attention. "Tatl! I have an idea!"

At this point Tatl was at least two metres away. "Oh really? What's that?"

"Whenever I play the Song of Healing near a ghost they become a mask. I could do that to this guy!"

She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "That happened once. And what would this mask do, let you dance?"

"A short dance can inspire those who inspiration has left away from the light," the man pointed out.

"I... Just play the song and get rid of him."

Link played the Song of Healing, watching him dance with interest afterwards. "Spread my dance across the world. Train its followers. Translation: I have taught it to you, now make it into a popular dance craze!"

"Will do!" Link said, giving him a two finger salute.

"I am counting on you. Translation: I am counting on you." He vanished in an explosion of blinding blue fire leaving only air and a mask in his place. Link hesitantly grabbed the mask, hoping that he wouldn't burst into flame.

"You got Kamaro's Mask! Use it to teach his dance to the world so his moves can become as popular as he had hoped they would be." Odolwa stepped out of the non-existing shadows of their area with the rest of them following behind him.

Link looked down at the mask. "So I can explode in blue fire too?"

Odolwa chortled loudly at this. "No, but you can dance! Dance!"

Tatl and Ganondorf began to slowly clap in tandem. "What a devastatingly awesome power," the Gerudo king stated emotionlessly.

Link began to stroke his chin, looking at the mask. "Dance, eh?" He went into West Clock Town and taught the Rosa Sisters how to dance. He received another heart piece as a prize. "I get the feeling that I must do something with these," he said as he looked at his two heart pieces. "But what?"

"Didn't you have something to do?" Gohma grunted, pulling him out of his thoughts. "You know, saving cows and helping farmers and whatnot?" Link stared at her, his face blank.

"Milk," Tatl added.

"Oh yeah... Oh crap!"

So he went and fought off _them_ again. With his army of monsters this was extremely easy to do as _they_ seemed hesitant to even go near the barn. "Hell yeah bitches, you know you that you don't want to mess with us!" King Dodongo roared as they disappeared. "Just remember that you can drown your sorrows at Dodongo's Tavern!"

"You did great grasshopper," Romani praised, shooting down the last one of _them_. "So did everyone else. I think everyone deserves some nice milk."

"Yay!" Link and Morpha cheered.

-Night of the Second Day, Romani Ranch-

"Special milk?" Link excitedly said, giving Romani a look of pure happiness.

"Ah. That. Well you see, it turns out my sister has to bring basically all of the special milk into town to sell at the Milk Bar," Romani explained, watching Link's good mood instantly deflate.

Ganondorf blinked. "Milk Bar? The only thing that should have Bar in the name is something that sells hard liquor."

"This is just between you and me," Romani continued, "but if you go with her you might be able to mooch some with some sweet talk."

Link didn't even hesitate, he just ran right up to Cremia's wagon. "Hiiii, can I go with you?"

-Milk Road-

"Has my sister said anything to you about 'ghosts'?" Cremia asked her passengers. "She's always training with her bow, saying that she plans to fight off ghosts."

"They're aliens!" Morpha snapped. He had insisted on coming with Link. "I'm not crazy!"

"All right, all right." Cremia didn't seem to want to continue that conversation. "Say, what are the townsfolk saying about that moon? It's so much bigger than before. It's getting ridiculous actually."

"There aren't many townsfolk left," Tatl explained. "Ninety percent of the population has evacuated and the chief of guards is trying to get everyone else out."

"So it's going to fall..."

"Yup!" Morpha confirmed. "And a fiery wave of destruction and carnage will follow." Cremia didn't respond to that.

Soon after the conversation ended, Milk Road was cut off by a giant steel fence. "What the..." Cremia looked to the right down the only open path, her annoyance evident. "Do you have a bow?"

"Yup!" Link plucked his bow.

"Well get it ready. You might need to shoot some annoying jag-offs in a minute."

_The water bosses always end up so fun to write but they are definitely hard to think of transportation methods for._


	29. The Gorman Brothers

_The acquiring of many items will be covered here. Next chapter, we head to Ikana!_

_Published October 27, 2010_

**The Gorman Brothers**

The wagon pulled into the Gorman Ranch using the only available path. "Oh great, ugly country," Cremia said as they passed a giant billboard with one of the Gorman brother's grinning mug on it. "I'm going to try to get us through here as quickly as I can. If any masked guys with pitchforks come up behind us I want you to make a pincushion out of them, okay?"

"I like the way you think," Tatl said, nodding approvingly at her plan.

Soon after they began to move the predicted happened and two men wearing dark brown hoods began to ride after the wagon. "So do I just shoot them?" Link asked, stringing an arrow.

"Yes! Please do it." One of the men howled and charged forward, his pitchfork raised high into the air. Link took aim and fired, the wooden stick digging into his shoulder. He howled again, this time in pain, and backed off.

The other one hesitantly tried to do the same, weaving in an attempt to make Link miss. This strategy failed to affect him and the Hylian shot him in the lower thigh, intentionally missing anywhere that would kill him.

"Aw man, I wish I could watch this," Cremia cheered as she heard the second one shriek in agony. "These guys have been doing this at least once every month. Most of the time I just throw fireworks at them."

It took a few minutes to circumvent the Gorman race track. During these two minutes the two assailants gained more and more penetration wounds and one was thrown from his horse when Cremia spooked it with a firework. That quickly ended the chase and let them continue down Milk Road relatively unfazed. "I think I might need to bring you along on every trip," Cremia gleefully commented.

They arrived in Clock Town just after sundown and steered the wagon up to the Milk Bar in the eastern section. Mr. Barten, the man who was basically doomed to be a bartender from birth, greeted them with surprise. "Oh, Cremia! I didn't expect a shipment until Sunday."

"Well, I did miss the last two shipments due to a giant boulder on Milk Road so I figured I'd bring one in early." She turned to Link. "Thanks for helping me with all of this, I loved it when you shot those two idiots. In fact, I think I have a little something for you."

She pulled a mask that looked a lot like a cow head from the wagon and tossed it to Link.

"You got Romani's Mask!" Odolwa dropped from the sky, scaring everyone present. "Wear it to show you're a member of the exclusive Milk Bar! Also, people will think you're an adult because they're stupid like that and you can get into some very adult places..." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively but his tribal mask made the gesture pointless.

Link used his new mask to get into the Milk Bar. Toto was here as well, looking at the stage with sadness in his eyes. However, his gaze was quickly drawn to Gorman who was drowning his sorrows with milk. "Try not to make eye contact," Tatl whispered to Link and Morpha.

"Ah ha, you're funny," Morpha snapped.

Unfortunately, Gorman easily noticed them. He chugged a glass of milk and turned on the bar stool, his eyes barely focused. "Hey, you!" he slurred, holding up the empty bottle. "It's... it's milk. Miiilk. Can you get tipsy from something like milk?"

"A-apparently," Tatl answered, bewildered on what to say.

"Bah, you're unhelpful..." Gorman turned around and slammed his face on the counter. "I'm just the despised second son! I can't handle horses like my older brother, I can't take care of horses like my younger brother... All I can do is tell freak shows where to dance!" He took another swing from his empty glass, swallowing copious amounts of air. "I left the ranch, went into show business and where am I now? I have a psycho with a music box who has an obsession with dogs as my best friend and two sets of eccentric twins as employees. Look at me!" He turned back to Link, pulling on his fluffy collar. "I look like a fruit! A kid once called me a gay ballerina and asked where my circus act was. Y'know what? I _am_ part of a circus act! I run the damn thing! I never shoulda gotten into show business. It's so cold..." He fell from his stool and started to hit himself with the glass.

"You shouldn't pay too much attention to him," the bartender said. "He's been here for hours and to be honest I started spiking his drinks in the hopes that he'd pass out. It turns out he has the alcohol tolerance of a Dodongo, and those things can drink a lot. Now how about a round of milk for the last moon viewing?"

They stared at him.

"Don't worry, I've put my spiking days behind me and am now legit. Want some Chateau Romani? It's very special milk."

"Yes," Link immediately said, suddenly sitting on a bar stool.

"All right. That'll be two hundred rupees."

Link, having started to drink a bottle of regular milk a second ago, spat it all over the man. "Two hundred rupees? I don't have that much on me! I guess I have to go to the bank."

"That's not necessary," Tatl hastily said, flying between them. "We can borrow some money from Kingy."

"I CHARGE EIGHT HUNDRED PERCENT INTEREST!" King Dodongo bellowed from the streets.

"Okay, let's get milk later."

As this happened, Morpha rolled over to Toto the Zora. "So, what's up?" the ball asked.

Toto seemed surprised that the ball wearing a skull and crossbones was talking to him but soon remembered what kind of crazy world this was and replied, "Oh, I'm just thinking about the show we were scheduled to do here." He looked at the stage with longing. "This place is said to be a great live venue, so it's a shame that it was cancelled."

"Really? I doubt you could fit more than twenty people in here but whatever."

"You'd be surprised. Actually, I'd like to do a sound check to see what it would have been like. Do you think you could help me?"

Back at the bar, Gorman had gotten back onto a stool and was ranting to the rack of bottles behind the bartender. "Some days, I wish I were inanimate like you guys. Ya don't have to worry about the bad parts of life, just whether or not you'll fall off the shelf and break. Even then, you don't feel it because you aren't really alive. You got it so easy and you don't even know it..."

"You think you got it hard? I just lost eighty percent of my body fluid!" a bottle snapped in reply. Gorman fell off of his stool in shock and Link screamed, turning to run but hitting a wall and knocking himself out.

Tatl floated out from behind the bottle, giggling to herself. "I'm such a bitch."

From the stage came Morpha's eager voice, attempting to sing a song. "LA LA-LA LA LA, LA LA LA! I AM A GOD OF DEATH AND STUFF. IF YOU GET IN MY WAY IT WILL BE ROUGH. SOMETIMES ON A REALLY GOOD DAY, I HURT LINK JUST SO I CAN SAY-"

Tatl kicked him off of the stage. "Don't do that again."

Gorman glanced at the stage from the floor. "What was that wretched, senseless racket?"

Toto looked at Tatl, Morpha and the unconscious Link. "Can you three help me with something?"

-A few minutes later-

Link stood under a spotlight with his ocarina out although he was confused on what he was to be playing. "What are these?" he asked, holding up the sheet he was given.

"They are notes," Toto answered. He was standing under the spotlight on the right with a guitar similar to Mikau's fishbone one.

"HOW DO I DO THIS?" Morpha roared from the back. He was resting on top of a drum set.

"Be creative," Tatl answered. She was just in front of him, opposite Toto with pipes lying in front of her. "What I'm wondering is how I make enough noise with these without passing out."

They began to play the song, completely uncoordinated. "What the hell is that noise?" Gorman slurred, covering his ears.

As Morpha was still not doing anything, Tatl quickly flew back there and punched him downwards, sending him into a bouncing spree on the drums. "I hate you!"

The song gradually shifted into what it was originally intended to be though it still sounded butchered beyond belief. Luckily, Gorman was drunk enough to not notice this any only hear what he thought it was. "Bravo!" Toto exclaimed upon finishing. "That was the best!"

"That sucked so badly," Tatl muttered.

Morpha was not in a fit state to comment on the song. "I'm dizzy and my head hurts..."

"We did great!" Even Link knew he was lying to himself.

Gorman seemed to have been touched by the song. "Tha-that melody... It brings back so many memories."

"Were these memories of your head getting bashed in by a shovel?" Tatl sullenly questioned.

"It was their old standby, 'Ballad of the Wind Fish'," Toto said to Gorman. "It's the song the previous generation of the Indigo-Go's made famous."

"And we have forever tarnished it, ending the glory," Tatl once again added.

Gorman and Toto seemed to be in their own worlds making them unable to hear Tatl's slander. "I entered show business because I heard this song at the Carnival of Tiem long ago. By doing performances, I thought I might be able to meet the singers of that song," Gorman reminisced. He stood up, staggering over to the stage and falling against it. With all of his strength he pulled himself into an upright position, looking at Link. "I'm sorry I booed you. Here, have this mask. It looks just like me, doesn't it?"

"Charming," Tatl muttered.

"You got the Circus Leader's Mask!" Odolwa announced from outside of the bar. "This mask..." He poked his head inside, seeing the mask. "...looks so sad it could put a tear in even a demon's eye! Although you're unlikely to encounter one that will cry when they see it, so it's basically dead weight and only useful to get the ultimate mask that none of you should know about yet."

"Not me, I never cry!" King Dodongo roared.

Ganondorf chuckled. "Oh really?"

They heard King Dodongo scream and begin crying extremely loudly, shaking the foundation of the building. "You're a horrible person!"

"Really? The king of a merciless civilization of thieves is a cruel bastard? Who'd have thought it?"

Gorman plopped down on his stool, getting another refill. "It's good to see the younger generation appreciating the classics, isn't it?" he said to the bartender.

"Sure is."

Gorman glared at the bottles. "You all could learn a thing or two about respect from them!"

-Dawn of the Final Day, Gorman Track-

Link and the others decided to investigate their mysterious assailants and returned to the Gorman Track. He rode in on Epona and soon saw the two. The younger brother in yellow had a cast around his head, leaving only his eyes and mouth visible and his arm in a sling. The other brother in blue didn't have as heavy bandaging but was nonetheless covered in small bandages which were likely from puncture wounds.

"Hello sirs," Link greeted. "If you don't mind, I would like to wonder if you witnessed or have any information on a certain even that occurred here last night."

"We don't know nothing about nothing," the older brother snapped, glaring at the quiver on his back. "Now what the hell you ridin'?"

"This is Epona, my trusted steed and friend."

"Oh. What's with the crowd?"

"Those are my good friends: Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, Koume, Kotake, Ganondorf, Odolwa, Goht and Gyorg."

"I don't remember _ever_ agreeing to being your friend," Gyorg snarled, ready to tear Link's head off.

"Well why're you righting that there mule?"

"Epona's a horse, not whatever that is."

The younger brother laughed, flinching violently afterwards. "You call that pathetic thing a horse? I reckon it can't even sprint!"

"Hey, Epona can too sprint! I bet that she can go faster than _your_ horses." Epona turned her head and stared at Link, wondering why he was so stupid.

"This guy's funny, ain't he?" The other Gorman brother looked over Epona. "Tell you what, why don't you give us ten rupees for the chance to race against us? If you win, we'll give you somethin' real great."

Link agreed and they got the race track ready. The younger brother seemed barely capable of racing but was confident nonetheless. "Just one lap around," the older brother said. "Nothin' more, nothin' less. Now we'll need a count down."

Tatl floated out in front of them. "Okay guys, let's have a clean race, remember that there are no losers, yadda yadda, three, two, one, go!"

The horses took off. The Gorman brothers' horses took the lead quickly, outpacing Link. "Come on Epona, I know you can take them!" Epona snorted loudly.

"YEE-HAA!"

Epona ran close to the inside of the track, eventually catching up to the brothers. She turned into the younger brother's path causing his horse to swerve, almost hitting a fence. I say almost because the horse stopped and, due to his poor grip, flung him from its back.

It was just Link and the older brother left in the race. Due to their stunt the brother had a clear advantage and when they passed the halfway point he had a ten foot lead. The track suddenly changed completely, now having many thin trees randomly planted forcing them to swerve. "Dag nabbit Urkel, why did I let you put these things here?" the brother shouted as a branch hit him in the face.

By the time they left the trees Epona had caught up and they were right beside each other. "You can do it Epona, I believe in you!" She was tempted to just stop and stand still for the rest of the race.

Three fences were on the right side of the track, all right beyond each other. "Okay girl, if we jump over the fences we'll get a speed boost and be able to win!" Link declared. Epona decided to go with it and jumped the fences, somehow passing the Gorman brother. She then went in front of him, cutting him off and preventing him from overtaking her. They crossed the finish line, winning.

The racers returned to the entrance of the ranch, the younger brother in great pain and the older brother going ballistic with anger. "I can't believe we lost!" he yelled, flailing his limbs around in some sort of fit.

"Hey, big bro, I wonder if we can give _that _to this guy," the younger brother said, bringing him out of his spasm.

"Well we gotta give him something. He's just a kid, what could he possibly do with it?" The older brother pulled out a brown, stitched hood.

Ganondorf stepped beside Link, placing a foot on his head. "I get the feeling that I'll be able to put this to good use." He took the hood, putting it on. It completely shadowed his face and gave his eyes a creepy white glow.

"You got the Garo's Mask!" Odolwa announced. "The wandering ninja spirits who appear at Ikana wore this."

"How do you know so much useless trivia about masks and items?" Bongo Bongo asked.

Odolwa shrugged lightly. "You get to know these kinds of things after wandering for a while."

"I thought you never left the swamp before," Tatl said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Ask me no questions and I shall tell you no lies."

"Or I can ask you questions and you tell me the truth because I can get Bongo Bongo to brutalize you if you don't." Bongo Bongo waved happily with one of his large, detached hands.

"Oh, um... uh, it's uh... Magic? Heh heh heh..." He laughed nervously, sweating as the giant yellow eye stared at him without emotion.

They left the ranch afterwards. Link was marvelling at the mask Ganondorf had stolen from him and Odolwa was still scared of Bongo Bongo's gaze. "Link," Gohma began, "didn't we go in there to question them about the guys who wore that mask who attacked you?"

King Dodongo suddenly stomped on the ground. "Hey, we did! I wanted to torture someone!" He walked back toward the ranch.

"Let's leave while he's gone," Gohma said.

Link had no idea what they were talking about. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm going to go spin attack those bushes while wearing the Keaton Mask." He did so, cutting down all of the bushes and taking the rupees that were hidden inside. A large yellow fox whose face matched the mask appeared from no where.

"Hee hee, hello child."

"Hi!" Link said, not in any way confused by what has happening.

"What the hell is that thing?" Gyorg asked. "Hey, fox, who the hell are you and what do you taste like?"

"I am a Keaton, and I taste like asbestos," the fox answered. "I have come to merely tell you that this mask will not fool one of my kind. After all, we Keatons can recognize our own by the sheen of our tails."

Link looked at his own ass. "So if I get a tail I can fool you?"

"Hee hee, of course not you little idiot. I like you and I think I'll put you to a test. Should you succeed, I will give you a great treasure. Should you fail, you will be obliterated in a shower of blood and fire. Do you accept?"

"Yes."

"Answer me this... What is the name of Clock Town's inn?"

Link went into deep thought. "I know it has 'inn' in the name. I think there's an 'o'-"

"Please think in your head."

Gohma loudly coughed multiple times, the coughs sounding suspiciously like "Stock Pot Inn".

"I know! Stock Pot Inn!"

"Correct. Answer me this... What colour of trunks does Tingle to mapmaker wear?"

"Red," Link answered without hesitation.

"Correct. Answer me this... How old is Tingle the mapmaker?"

Barinade turned and, upon noticing that Tingle was suspended from a balloon nearby, shot him down with electricity. "You! I, BARINADE, wish to know of your age!"

"No need," Link said, stopping his actions. "He's thirty five."

"Correct."

Tatl stared at him, greatly confused. "How-" A loud scream sounded from the Gorman racetrack, halting all conversation for a moment. "How the hell did you know that?" she asked despite how it was no longer the most pressing question she had.

"A good hero is very observant and knows every minor detail!"

"Answer me this... Is Tingle the mapmaker left handed or right handed?"

"Right handed."

"Correct."

"Hey, fox thing!" Ganondorf interrupted. "Why are so many of these questions about that middle aged Kokiri cosplayer?"

"He is a very enigmatic person with many, many things you can ask about," the fox answered. "It is time for the final question..." They looked at him eagerly. "What are the magic words that Tingle created?"

"Oh for fuck's sake!"

Link chuckled, apparently amused by the question. "He constantly says 'Tingle Tingle Kooloo-Limpah'."

"Correct! Good job child, you are allowed to keep your life today."

"Yay!"

"And now for your great reward."

"Yay!" The fox disappeared, leaving behind only a heart piece. Link picked it up, pulling out his other two heart pieces and holding them side by side. "Yay?"

King Dodongo returned to them, a satisfied smile covering his face. "So what happened, Kingy?" Gohma asked.

"Bite me."


	30. Ghosts and Skeletons

_I could have split this, but meh._

_Published November 13, 2010_

**Ghosts and Skeletons**

-Noon of the First Day, Eastern Termina Field-

"Hey kid, go pet that cute little mouse."

"Okay!" Link ran over to the Bombchu at Ganondorf's request, catching the explosive monster's attention. It grinned maniacally and ran to meet him.

Before them was the path to the east, the path to the former Kingdom of Ikana. All life seemed to be sucked from the air as they travelled down the trail. "These dry crags do not appeal to me," Morpha said, ignoring the explosion. "Make water exist!"

"No."

Ganondorf punted Morpha across the canyon. He bounced across the ground, screaming profanities wildly with each impact. Then, on one bounce, he hit something in mid air and was sent backwards. "There's something here! Look, it's right there! I'm not crazy, you're crazy, stop denying my godship and BOW DOWN TO MY ABSOLUTE WILL! ALL SHALL FALL BEFORE MY DIVINE WRATH! I AM THE INCARNATION-"

Gohma nudged the Gerudo King. "Would you?"

"Certainly." He kicked Morpha again, sending him behind a large boulder.

Link poked the air that Morpha had been deflected off of. The air grunted and swatted his hand away. Link felt offended and stabbed the air, coating his sword with blood. He stared confusedly at the blade, wondering if he had stabbed himself again.

Tatl reached into his pouch and stole the Lens of Truth. "Uh, there's a guy there," she stated, looking into the lens.

"Damn straight!" the soldier snapped, applying pressure onto his bleeding shoulder. "Why did that little retard stab me?"

"He's new to the whole thinking thing," Tatl explained.

"Who're you talking to?" Gohma asked. To everyone else, Tatl was looking into the Lens of Truth and talking to thin air.

"The fairy finally went insane," King Dodongo mournfully declared, shaking his head. "Oh well, she's not a big loss. Boingy Boingy, you can be our new fairy." Bongo Bongo's soulless stare turned to him, his gaze tearing the dragon's mind apart. "That's creepy."

As their conversation was completely derailed, Tatl continued to talk to the invisible soldier. "You're the first person to actually speak to me," the soldier said. "I've been here for many years, screaming at passersby and pelting them with stones but each and every one of them either keeps walking or starts screaming about ghosts and how Ikana is haunted and that shit."

"Years?" Tatl bewilderedly repeated. "What do you eat?"

"I've been eating Bombchus and sucking the moisture from the bottom of rocks. It's a deplorable lifestyle but it's kept me alive."

"That's nice. Quick question: why haven't you just walked back to town?"

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

Tatl sighed. "Not this again. Bongo Bongo..."

"Hm?" He looked away from King Dodongo, much to the dragon's eternal relief.

"Can you stare at that spot right there until I tell you to stop?"

"Sorry, I can't stare at anything unless I can see it. It makes me uncomfortable." Bongo Bongo floated away, deciding that there was nothing interesting going on at the moment.

The soldier coughed, bringing her attention back to him. "I have a request. Do you have some medicine that might make me feel a bit better? Your friend's SWORD PENETRATING MY SHOULDER really hurt."

"Yeah, yeah. Link, pass me a red potion."

The soldier drank it, letting out a satisfied exhale upon finishing it. "I feel a bit better." He rose to his feet, using his spear to steady himself "The potion wasn't very good."

Kotake froze his spear, forcing him to drop it. "That recipe was made by my great grandmother's pet monkey Bobo on a cold summer night. The temperature was almost at two smicklakens and her monkey decided to kill my great grandfather and drain his blood. Unfortunately he spilled a lot of sugar in the blood and we found out that it could heal people. Ever since then we Gerudo have used blood and sugar to make red potions for everyone since they heal people and it's a good way to get rid of all the bodies that pile up from when we kill people for amusement. It's a double edged sword, really. We get potions but there are so many corpses. Koume and I got into an argument about whether we should burn or freeze them to get rid of them. We couldn't decide so we went to ask Ganondorf but he had already gone on his conquest of Hyrule. He didn't come back for two days and didn't even call! On the plus side he was the king of evil since he got the Triforce and-"

"I, BARINADE, shall remove this one before too much of the alternate future is revealed!" Barinade hit Kotake with the Megaton Hammer, launching her behind the boulder where Morpha lay.

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow in partial interest. So they still didn't know that he knew. Then another thought popped into his mind. "Where did that soldier come from?"

The soldier blinked, looking at the plethora of monsters who all now noticed him. "Hey, I'm visible again! I guess all I needed was some human blood. I think I'll go have some more, okay?" He began to march to Clock Town, whistling merrily. A passing Bombchu decided that it would be much happier with him in pieces and charged the man.

Link noticed a mask on the ground where he had been sitting. "I think this was stuck on his butt," he said, looking at his new mask.

"You got the Stone Mask! Wear it to become as plain as stone." A Bombchu climbed up Odolwa's leg and detonated.

-Ikana Graveyard-

Oddly shaped gravestones jutted from the ground from all sorts of angles, none of them even remotely fresh. Foliage had engulfed several and seemed to be moving in on the rest. Aside from the occasional caw of a crow or the rustling of leaves in the wind the graveyard was silent.

Tatl flew over to one of the less obstructed gravestones. "The soul of a brave soldier of Ikana rests here," she read. "This stone is over sixty years old. The war between Ikana and the east ended over half a century ago."

"Neat." Gohma wandered into the next section of the graveyard, triggering a scream from the grave keeper.

It took almost an hour to convince Dampe that they were friendly monsters and he could come out from under his bed. "All the graves here belong to the family members of the King of Ikana Castle," Dampe explained as he walked through the graveyard, the group following at a snail's pace. "Even nowadays, the ghosts come out at night. It is a very frightening sight."

"So what are you still doing around here?" Ganondorf asked. "Why not just leave and become a fisherman or some shit like that?"

"FISH ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO YOU!" Gyorg sprang from the ground, latching his jaw around Ganondorf's face. The former king of evil ran around blindly, flailing his arms until he tripped over a gravestone and knocked himself out on a tree root. It was a sad sight. "And that's why you don't fuck with a fish!"

"Why do all of the aquatic guys have weird superiority complexes?" Gohma grunted.

"I, BARINADE, am just plain awesome."

"I _am_ superior you fool. With the entire ocean under my command I can conquer any foe!"

"Except BARINADE."

"You cheated."

"I'm getting sick of hearing you go on and on," Gyorg snarled, releasing himself from Ganondorf's unconscious face. "You can't hurt me, little ball. You attack with water, and water makes me grow to my full size again. So fuck you!"

"Moving on," Tatl loudly said, "why haven't you left?"

"I was born a grave keeper, I'll die a grave keeper," Dampe said, swinging his shovel to shoo away a Keese. "That and the path to town has a horrible Bombchu infestation. As you can tell I'm not the runner I used to be."

Without warning, a hand burst out from a grave. Dampe screamed and took off, running back to his house at a speed that Goht with the Bunny Hood couldn't mimic. The hand pushed away some soil and from the ground emerged a familiar face: Phantom Ganon.

"Link!" he exclaimed, spitting soil from his skeletal mouth. "I've been looking for you for two days!"

"Who's the undead Ganondorf?" Odolwa asked as Gohma pulled him from the ground.

"He's Phantom Ganon, one of our old allies," Gohma said. "There's a long, convoluted story behind it but I'm more curious about why you were buried. Why were you buried?"

Phantom Ganon blinked a few times, looking around the graveyard. "I... don't know. It's not important. What I'm here for is to tell you that we've been tracking Ganondorf for a long time and we've determined that he's in this region. Since you're his target, you should keep an eye out."

Right on cue, Ganondorf pulled himself up with the gravestone he had fallen over. "Damn fish... Someday I'm going to cook and eat you just for my own amusement."

"HA! I'd like to see you try."

Phantom looked between Ganondorf and the rest of the group. "You do know that Ganondorf's right there, right? You know, the usurper of Hyrule?"

"Yup," Link confirmed, nodding with a smile on his face. "He's on our side now."

"Doesn't he plan to cut off your legs and drag you back by the ears when this is over?" Tatl asked.

Ganondorf perked up, a grin crossing his face. "I never said anything about the ears but I think I will now. I like your way of thinking."

"I like my way of thinking too. It keeps me happy."

Ganondorf finally took in Phantom Ganon's appearance. He wore Ganondorf's armour and even had his hair; the only difference was that he had a horned skull for a face. Instead of using a sword he held a giant sceptre. Asking about it would only lead to more cover ups. It would be best to pretend that he didn't notice the similarities, no matter how stupid it made him look. "Indeed."

"It looks like the whole group is back together," King Dodongo bellowed, slapping the ghost on the back and, because of his strength, pushing his face back into the ground. "Everyone important has gathered."

Gohma rolled her eye. "There's still V-"

"_Everyone important_."

Phantom floated away from the dinosaur as soon as he got up. "Volvagia and I were together looking for you but split up. He'll find us eventually."

"Unless we kill you now," King Dodongo said with a smile on his face.

"Huh?"

"Nothing, ignore me."

Phantom was now a hesitant member of their group, so he followed them back up to Dampe's home to pull him out. "What's that?" Phantom asked, pointing his staff at the giant skeleton that sat inside the wall on one side of the building.

Tatl saw a plaque next to the behemoth. "Ye who awaken me, battle me. Then shall I extinguish the furious flame," she read.

They all looked up at a ring of fire around a chest on top of the wall. "I think we might be able to get it without a fight," Phantom said. "If we find some water and have Morpha bring it back here, we should be able to extinguish it and open-"

Link played the Sonata of Awakening. Skull Keeta burst through the wall and began to walk down a large trail to his rear, ignoring them.

"Or we could fight the giant monster."

Link put the Bunny Hood on and ran after Skull Keeta. "Hey, get back here! The words on the wall said you'd fight us!"

Skull Keeta looked over his shoulder, running his eyes across Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, Koume, Kotake, Ganondorf, Odolwa, Goht and Gyorg. He sped up his walk.

Link was mere metres from catching up when a wall of fire sprung up in front of him. The moment he touched the superheated gas he was thrown back. Two Stalchildren rose from the ground, advancing on him.

"Shouldn't we help?" Phantom asked, watching Link struggle against the skeletons.

"Nah," Odolwa answered. "He can handle it."

"Chances of success are low," Goht analyzed. "Link may be a proficient swordsman but his foe is a great degree larger than him."

Link had finally caught Skull Keeta and was hacking at his ankles. Skull Keeta jumped into the air and slammed down on the boy, crushing him into the dirt.

"He can handle it," Odolwa repeated. "Who wants to go grave robbing?"

Bongo Bongo poked Phantom Ganon. "Let's go help him out."

With their combined might, the three eventually bested Skull Keeta. "Wait! It is my loss! Cease this slaughter!" the giant cried. Bongo Bongo relented, stopping the punch he had been about to unleash on his face.

He walked back to his starting point, looking over the colourful ensemble. "I am Skull Keeta."

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade fired random bolts of electricity into the air.

Skull Keeta paused, only continuing after seeing Tatl shrug and gesture for him to do so. "I commanded the Ikana Army of Ikana Kingdom atop the hill."

"Command_ed_? What happened?" Link asked.

"He retired," Tatl answered. "Isn't it so obvious?"

"Since being shamed by a loss in a battle within my kingdom, I have waited here for one to come and awaken my soul," Skull Keeta continued. "Young swordsman who has awakened and deftly defeated me, I shall rely on your power to fulfill my request." He turned to the chest, the fire around it dying away. "I ask you to take my soul and convey my words to my men, who, even in death, remain loyal to me. Tell them the war has ended."

"Are they still going around killing passersby?" Ganondorf asked.

"Nay," he answered. Ganondorf's shoulders drooped in disappointment. "Like I, their souls have been bound to their bodies and they are fated to live forever, their minds eternally filled with memories of war. Please, let them move on. Only then shall I be able to drift quietly into sleep."

"Speaking of which, I have a question," Gohma grunted, looking at the area around them. "How did you end up here? Did your soldiers drag your giant body to the graveyard and build a wall on top of it, placing your soul in a chest? Because that's a hell of a lot of work for basically nothing."

"Also, if you say 'ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies' I'll make sure that you never die and suffer for eternity," Tatl added, glaring fiercely at him.

"I was long prepared for my death," Skull Keeta said, chuckling lightly. "Just know that all had been done long before I fell."

"That raises, like, ten more questions."

"So how did you die?" Link asked, sitting down and staring up at him like a curious child... which he was.

"Alas, I'd like not to relive my dishonourable downfall. Know that it was not long afterwards that the curse of Stone Tower ended my kingdom. My king still waits in the halls of his castle atop the golden throne, his loyal minions' souls still bound to serve him until defeat."

"Wow, he must be old," Link said, awed at the thought of someone living that long.

"He is as undead as I."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Hey, this is cool!" Link had just hookshoted to the chest and opened it, pulling out the Captain's Hat.

"You got the Captain's Hat! The ghosts of a hundred soldiers swear allegiance to this symbol of authority," Odolwa announced. "You've got an undead army ready to serve your every whim. Can I borrow that?"

Phantom Ganon confusedly asked, "Why did you just do that?"

The jungle warrior shrugged in response. "I have many reasons."

Evidently growing tired of this conversation, Skull Keeta turned to Bongo Bongo and brought an arm into a salute. "Captain, sir! May I take leave, sir?"

Bongo Bongo's eye met his own. They stared at each other, understanding the other perfectly. They made a connection that could not be described through words, so Bongo Bongo brought his disembodied hand up in a salute. "Yes, sir!" Skull Keeta fell apart, his bones disappearing into blue fire before hitting the ground.

At this point the sun had sunk below the horizon prompting the Stalchildren to come out and mess around. Link had put on the Captain's Hat and gone out with Phantom Ganon, Gohma, Odolwa and Ganondorf to talk to them. Tatl had naturally come.

"Oh hi Captain," a Stalchild said as it swung from a tree branch. "It's good to see you up and walking again."

"It's good to be back, private," Link said in a gruff, militaristic voice that didn't sound remotely like Keeta's baritone roar. "Keep up the good work."

"Yes, sir!" He continued to swing, yelling the occasional "Wee!"

Another Stalchild gave him a salute. "Captain, sir!"

Link responded with a surprisingly convincing salute. "Private."

"I see that you got that surgery I suggested, sir."

"Of course I did! Now get your belly aching frog faced self over to that private and swing in that tree!"

"Yes, sir!" The Stalchild climbed the tree with the other and began to swing with his cohort.

Tatl floated into Link's line of sight. "So where did you learn to be such an expert on this kind of thing?" she mockingly asked, knowing that he wouldn't catch the insulting undertones.

"The Deku Tree told us a lot of stories way back," Link explained. "That was the voice he always used when he did people like Keeta. I miss his stories."

"Yeah yeah, pity and all that crap," Gohma grunted, shoving him forward to make him keep on going around.

They soon found three Stalchildren pacing around a single gravestone, their bones loudly clacking together. "G'day you pansy boned slack ribs!" Link shouted, catching their attention. While his companions wondered what in the hell he had just said, the skeletons went into a salute.

"Captain, sir! Everyone give the captain your attention!" one said. "We haven't seen you in a long time, sir! The years have been kind to you."

"I was preoccupied 'til now," Link shouted. "That's all done and good now, private!"

"Yes, sir! As per your orders we've been guarding these graves closely."

"Guarding's for those two toed slimes!" Link snapped, spitting on the ground. "Open that thing up!"

-Inside the grave-

"I feel right at home," Ganondorf said as he opened a chest, revealing a purple rupee. He stuck it into his pocket, patting it. "I haven't been grave robbing since the Ceremony of Manliness on my eighteenth."

Gohma, Odolwa and Tatl looked at him curiously, leaving Link to fight off the dozens of bats plaguing them. "Ceremony of Manliness?" Tatl repeated.

"Sounds sexy," Odolwa commented.

Ganondorf laughed dryly. "Ha, no. That was the closest I've ever been to hell."

"I've had worse," Phantom said, interrupting what he knew was a very painful memory. "I was once almost sent to the Land of Eternal Happiness and Sunshine."

Ganondorf noticeably flinched at the mention of that horrible place. "You poor man-child," he said, giving the magical apparition a comforting pat on the shoulder.

Phantom was rather put-off by how Ganondorf was trying to comfort him. "It's not too bad now. I got to really hurt him later, and probably will again."

His lip twitched as Ganondorf understood what he was talking about. "...Good for you."

"HELP!" They hadn't noticed it, but somehow Link had gotten into a fight with an heavily armoured monster known as an Iron Knuckle. The axe wielding ogre roared out as it swung twice horizontally, easily knocking aside Link's shield with the first and tearing him open with the second.

Gohma rolled her eye and pulled out a random fairy, using it to revive the fallen hero. The fairy immediately burst into flame. "AAAHHH! SAVE ME!" Ganondorf flicked the flaming pest away.

With that out of the way, the fight with the Iron Knuckle continued. Link decided that shielding wouldn't help at all and started the throw bombs at it, damaging the armour. It didn't even flinch.

"I hate these things!" Link yelled as he pulled out his bow, firing a fire arrow at its face. The arrow went right into its eye hole, exploding into magical fire on impact. The Iron Knuckle continued to walk toward him unimpeded. "Even the goddesses would flinch from that!"

"Perhaps this being transcends the gods themselves," Tatl overdramatically announced.

"Not helping!" Link ducked under the axe and slashed upwards, hitting its lightly armoured wrist. He cleaved through it with one blow, removing one of its hands. The Iron Knuckle didn't acknowledge its loss of limb aside from shouldering its axe between swings. "WHY?"

Ganondorf rolled his eyes at the fight before him. "Pathetic." He held out his hand, a ball of pure darkness forming just above his palm. With a flick of his wrist he blasted it at the creature's forehead. The attack burst and the Knuckle paused, not moving for a moment. It recomposed itself and continued to stride toward Link.

"Good job," Odolwa said, patting him on the shoulder. "You sure showed him."

Ganondorf pulled out his black sword and flew at the Iron Knuckle. His aim was perfect and he drove the blade straight through the side of its head, almost burying it to the hilt. He kicked off, pulling back the sword. "And that's how- What the fuck?"

The Iron Knuckle, now registering Ganondorf as a threat, advanced on him.

"Challenging _me_ isn't the smartest move you could make."

As predicted, it didn't respond. As though holding it with two hands it swung its axe vertically toward him. Ganondorf attempted to deflect the much larger weapon but found that it effortlessly broke through his guard and sent his weapon spiralling through the air.

Link shot it in the back with another fire arrow. This time it lurched forward and all of its armour began to fall off, leaving it wide open. "Now it will actually flinch," he announced.

Odolwa scoffed at this. "Because that makes sense." It _did_ make sense apparently as Link charged in, stabbing and slashing at the weakened beast. After a minute it keeled over and died. Link danced.

The room that they were in began to rumble as soon as the body disappeared. The wall slid open, revealing a large stone plaque that was surrounded by a blue miasma. "Are you the one who freed my soul?" a voice asked.

"Of course," Link answered. "I'm very heroic and helpful to those in need."

A Poe faded into vision, holding the standard lantern in on hand and a conductor's baton in the other. "I am Flat. I am a composer who served the Ikana Royal Family."

"I'm Link, Hero of Time," Link exclaimed. "These are my companions: the Gerudo King Ganondorf, the Parasitic Armoured Arachnid Gohma, the Masked Jungle Warrior Odolwa, the Evil Spirit from Beyond Phantom Ganon and Tatl."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Flat hesitantly answered, unsure of what to say to the assembled group. He decided to bring his attention to the stone tablet instead of the monsters. "The songs connected to the Royal Family that remain here were composed by my brother and I."

"That's sweet," Tatl said. "You and your brother must have been very close."

Flat threw his hands into the air. "Oh Sharp, my dear brother... He sold his soul to the devil and was the one who locked me in here."

"Oh... He's a douche then."

Flat turned back to them, focusing his gaze on Link. "Do you fear the dead?"

"Of course not, a hero fears nothing!"

"Very well. You who do not fear the dead, learn well the song inscribed behind me."

"Okay."

Flat went silent for a moment. "And... if you ever meet my brother, I'd like you to inform him that the thousand years of raindrops summoned by my song are my tears." Link nodded, writing the message down on his hand. "The thunder that strikes the earth is my anger! And let the thousands of tears that rain upon him cause my anger to strike and fry the hell out of him! I've been stuck down here for decades and am beyond enraged!"

"Wait, could you go back a bit?" Link asked. "I missed the middle part."

"Just tell him that I say hi." Flat disappeared, the fog leaving with him.

Link approached the stone and read it. "Song of Storms? I know this already."

_With that, this story is now longer than GoW: Ocarina of Time and is the longest thing that I have ever written. And I still have another quarter to go! I told you guys that this would be long._


	31. The Dead Kingdom

_Yeah, I really doubt that this will be done by new year. Oh well._

_Published November 25, 2010_

**The Dead Kingdom**

-Dawn of the Second Day, Path to Ikana-

"Heh heh heh! What are you doing in a place like this?" A boney, cloaked figure sat atop a steep cliff blocking the path to Ikana. Underneath the dark robe was a single glowing red dot. "Ikana Hill beyond here is the place where spirits with troubles and lingering regrets wander, ceaselessly searching for a reason to exist. It is best to leave such places undisturbed. So tell me, why do you wish to go to such a place?"

"Because I feel like it," Gohma grunted. "I want to see the corpses. It's more of a goal in life than sitting on a cliff all day I bet."

Ignoring the insult, the cloaked figure said, "This is no place for one such as you, heh heh. You should return to town. It is almost time for the Carnival of Time, eh?"

"Okay, let's go," Gyorg snapped, flopping up to their eye height with his jumps. "Well, you tried and failed. Might as well count your blessings and go home."

"No, we have to go on!" Link exclaimed, pumping his fist into the air. "It's the only way to save Termina."

The figure chuckled amusedly. "If you must..."

"NO!" Gyorg roared. "We must not!"

"...then you must obtain the mask containing wandering spirits that can be found near the ranch. Without that mask it will be impossible to save these lost souls. Until then, I cannot let you pass here."

Ganondorf stuck the Garo Mask on his head.

The figure laughed again. "That's a nice mask you've got. I must say, the craftsmanship is excellent. It's a hood that isn't attached to anything but stays up, and the seams appear to be on the inside so that it doesn't look ragged. The glowing eyes are a very nice touch. I think-"

"We're on a timer," Tatl interrupted. "Can we go?"

"Of course you can. But first, you must know that that is the mask of the leader of the ninjas who once spied on the hilltop castle of Ikana. With it, you may be able to call out the lingering spirits that once listened to it."

Odolwa immediately blanched, though it was hard to see through his mask. "We might see g-ghosts? Take that thing off!" He tore the mask from Ganondorf's head, taking a significant amount of hair with it. The Gerudo King sent him up a rank on his to-kill list.

Tatl smacked the back of his head. "It's just like skeletons. You've fought a bunch of things like that before."

"Yeah, but these are ghosts!" Odolwa cried. Seeing as they were staring blankly, he continued. "Skeletons are a bunch of bones that you can just push over, but these things are ghosts! You know, all incorporeal and that stuff. You can't stab them. Hell, you can't even see them most of the time. They're ghosts!" Tatl smacked him again. "Hey, at least my fear's rational, unlike Boingy Boingy who's been avoiding Gyorg like he's the personification of the bubonic plague."

"I'm not afraid of fish," Bongo Bongo calmly stated, glancing at Gyorg.

Odolwa grabbed the dog sized boss by the tail and threw him at Bongo Bongo. The shadow beast frantically dodged, making sure that he never touched him. "Sure you aren't."

The cloaked man laughed loudly. "Very well. I see that you're determined to go on."

"And we'd go even if you said no," Gohma said from right beside him on the cliff.

"Heh heh. Good luck." The man faded away, his gaze never leaving them as he disappeared.

"Wait, _he_ was a ghost?" Odolwa shouted, pointing dramatically at the spot where the figure had been. Tatl grabbed Phantom's sceptre and smacked him upside the head.

-Ikana Canyon-

"I don't like this place," Odolwa muttered, his head jerking around nervously.

"Chances of Odolwa being hit again are one hundred percent," Goht said.

"Wha- OW!"

"My accuracy is unmatched."

"Quiet children," Ganondorf said from near the front of the group. "Though I'll admit that this place is pretty damn eerie. I can't see it, but I sense a thirst for blood all around us."

"Maybe you should put that mask on," Link suggested, looking up at the titan expectantly.

"Uh, why?"

Link didn't stop smiling. "It just makes sense."

"Of course, whatever you say kid." He plopped the Garo Mask onto his head.

Almost immediately, a cloaked figure dressed like his mask burst from the ground like a shadow. Odolwa screamed, turned and ran into a wall. "Master, you called!" The Garo quickly noticed something wrong and pulled out a thin, curved blade. "What are you? You are not my master!"

"I am now. Get on your knees and grovel."

The Garo pulled out another sword and charged at Ganondorf, its swords crossed as though it were attempting to decapitate him. He blanketed his hands in magic and grabbed the blades, pulling them from its grip and kicking it in the chest. The Garo fell to the ground.

"Regrettable... Although my rival, you were spectacular. I shall admit defeat and open my heart, revealing my wisdom. To cross the valley of Ikana, aim at the river beasts with the arrowhead that freezes."

"Bah, no arrow can compare to _real_ freezing," Kotake scoffed.

"So, to cross a river I shoot some monsters with ice arrows," Link repeated. "Sounds simple enough."

"Yes. It is a rudimentary concept that I'd hope you would be able to understand. To die without leaving a corpse... That is the way of us Garo." The Garo violently exploded, blowing Ganondorf off of his feet.

They continued their trek down the road to Ikana. Goht slowed her pace, falling to the back of the group where Odolwa was messing with Gyorg. "When I get hydrated, I am going to tear off your legs, shove them up your ass, tear off your ass, and make you eat it," Gyorg snapped.

"Gyorg," Goht said, stopping Odolwa from poking him again. "What can you tell us about the fourth guardian, Twinmold?"

The fish snorted, still trying to struggle out of Odolwa's grip. "Just because I've been hanging out with you dipshits for a small bit of time doesn't mean that _I_ will suddenly betray everything that we were made for and blab."

Odolwa leaned in closer. "Pleeeaaase?"

"Well, because _you_ asked... I'll tell you everything I know about Twinmold."

"Really?" Odolwa held Gyorg farther away from his face, his cautious side taking over. "No tricks?"

"I swear on the creator that I will tell you everything. Okay so... I know nothing. HA! You fuckers thought you were going to get something about the fourth guy but I don't know jack shit! HEY!"

Odolwa threw him forward, the fish arcing over the rest of the group and bouncing off of Link's head. "Hi Gyorg!" Link picked him up with both hands, holding him close. "So what's up?"

"My head hurts..."

"Yeah, that happens to me a lot too. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't remember where I am or what I'm doing. But after so long, you learn to shake it off and keep going."

"Why am I talking to you?"

Tatl floated down to the fish, sending him a patronizing smile. "If that's how you feel, I can make sure that one as great as you gets the company you deserve. Hey Link, toss him to Barinade."

Eventually, another cliff blocked their journey. At the cliff's base was a wide river that went into the mountains to their left, out of view, and down a chasm to the right.

"This must be the river that the Garo mentioned," Link analyzed. "What do I shoot?"

An Octorok popped out of the water, firing a stone from its mouth and hitting Link between the eyes. He staggered back and the beast submerged, getting out of sight.

Phantom looked up the cliff, taking in the environment. "If you shoot the Octorok with an ice arrow and hop across, you should be able to use your hookshit to latch onto those dead trees and get to the top."

Gohma cracked her bones. "I have a better idea."

Phantom Ganon glared at her, muttering, "Of course you do. That's because Phantom Ganon's plans are never quick and bloody enough."

Several seconds later, Link screamed as he was hurled up the cliff, landing face first on the dry stone. He staggered to his feet, nearly falling back down the cliff as he did so.

'Barren' was the only word that could describe Ikana. While the other three areas had water or wind to create some background noise the valley was silent; there was no wind, no water, nothing. Far in the distance, across a dried riverbed, was a huge stone gate blocking a castle that was built into the mountainside.

Eventually, everyone found their own ways to get to the top. "This place looks so boring," Ganondorf commented. As if to answer his words a bat flew over and bit his ear.

"Well, looks like Ganondorf's a vampire now," Koume unconcernedly said.

"I knew this day would come." Kotake pulled a wooden stake from nowhere. "Don't worry Ganondorf, it will only hurt for a few seconds. Isn't that right Koume?"

"Yes it is Kotake," Koume responded. "I know from experience. I became a vampire once, long ago. Luckily I got better and didn't have to die. You remember that, don't you Kotake?"

"As poignant as this conversation is," Ganondorf loudly interrupted, "let's go check that castle."

After a few minutes of walking they were at the doors. Tatl floated toward a sign, her eyes skimming across it. "Use what you will, this sealed gate shall never open," she read.

"I, BARINADE, challenge this bold proclamation!" Barinade threw Morpha at the stone door.

"AGH! DAMMIT, STOP DOING THAT!" the ball roared in indignation. "At the first sight of water I will kill you all!"

Gohma jumped onto the wall and began to scale it. "Someone come with me. I'm checking this place out."

Ganondorf turned to his mothers. "How would you two like to go into the old, haunted castle?"

"Okay."

"It'd be a pleasure." Koume and Kotake flew after Gohma.

-One hour later-

"This is taking a long time," King Dodongo said, clearly irritated by the lack of progress.

"Indeed," Volvagia hissed. "I suggest we leave and let them find us when they're done."

The other dragon nodded. "Yeah, that's a-" He paused, blinking several times. "When... DIE!" King Dodongo lunged at Volvagia, attempting to bite him in half. The snakelike dragon flew around him, smacking him in the face with his tail as he did so.

"You're still as pathetic as ever, Kingy."

"I WILL FACE-FUCK YOU WITH YOUR OWN TAIL!"

"My, how vulgar. Do you have some pent up anger issues? Hello Phantom, I see that you found them."

Phantom nodded, jerking his head at Ganondorf. "And they already found _him_." The Gerudo King sent the dragon a light wave.

"Ah. Is there a reason that they're travelling with him?" Volvagia asked as he avoided another attack from King Dodongo.

"Yeah, though it isn't a very good one."

"I-"

King Dodongo successfully grabbed his tail and pulled the dragon into his fist. This was followed up by swinging the dazed Volvagia head first into the stone gate.

"Is this a standard group dynamic?" Goht wondered as Volvagia broke out of his grasp and temporarily blinding his foe with a stream of fire.

"Basically," Phantom answered.

"Interesting. Would you like to engage in a violent duel?"

"I'll pass."

-Another hour later-

"I win again." Link pouted, sliding fifteen rupees past the tic-tac-toe board drawn in the dust and over to King Dodongo. Both dragons were hurt and tired, having slowly lost interest in each other after a half hour of fighting.

"You're so good at this," Link said, both awed and annoyed.

He shrugged. "I've had a lot of practice. For all I know, you'll win next game." Unbeknownst to him, Volvagia had just stolen his latest winnings.

"Really? Let's go again!"

"Okay. We shall wager twenty rupees this time." King Dodongo wiped away the remains of their previous game and motioned for Link to go first. He opened the game with an O in the centre.

Tatl sighed, flying to Bongo Bongo. "Poor Link," she groaned, though it was underlined with heavy sarcasm. "He doesn't stand a chance."

"It's pretty sad. Any sign of the others?"

"Nothing so far, though Ganondorf seems pretty happy about it."

Joyful cries of "They're gone!" and "Freedom at last!" echoed through the empty valley. "Hey, what's this? Oh son of a-"

A piercing scream reached their ears, freezing them in place. Just around a corner Ganondorf was glaring at a steadily approaching Gibdo, its magic only letting him glare at the beast and make a continuous "fffffff" noise.

After breaking out of the paralysis they managed to save him from being torn apart by the mummy. They soon found that a large amount of Gibdos were crowding around the only house in the land, either clawing at the walls or ominously patrolling the perimeter. "Briiiiiiing them," one groaned. "Those insiiiiiiide, our friiiiiiends, briiiiiiiing them!"

"Let's avoid that area for now," Link suggested. Ganondorf in particular wholeheartedly agreed.

They circumvented the house, but it seemed that the Gibdos weren't paying attention to them anyway. Certain members of their group were in obvious sight but they weren't bothered.

They scaled the elevating rocks as they approached the cliff. The dried riverbed from earlier seemed to lead into a crack in the mountainside, but Link's attention was caught by a sign next to a manmade door nearby. "Spirit House?" he read questioningly. "That sounds like so much fun!"

"You go do that," Odolwa said. "I'll stick with the enemies that I can stab to make them die."

Link, Ganondorf, Phantom and Tatl entered the small hut, quickly spotting the robed figure from earlier. "Hello child, heh heh," he greeted. "Ikana was built on this land, a land whose history is written in blood. How are you finding your journey through this cursed place so far?"

"There's a horrible Gibdo problem. I don't like it," Ganondorf said. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I am but a humble hermit who is well versed in the history of this land, heh heh heh."

"That's bullshit and you know it. We all saw the whole..." Ganondorf stretched his fingers from fists in a 'poof' motion.

The figure laughed to himself, turning to Link. "Tell me, is the one that you seek stronger than you are?"

"It's very likely," Tatl said. "He's kinda a pushover."

"Well, you may find strength here."

"Tell me more..."

-Two minutes later-

Link lunged at the Poe, slicing it in half with one strike. "This isn't that tough," he commented just before a second Poe appeared behind him, delivering a solid strike to the head with its lantern.

"Ouch," Phantom said as he and the others watched from the other side of a caged wall.

"If he dies in there can I be the first to loot his corpse?" Ganondorf asked the robed figure.

"I will stop the match should his life drop below three hearts," the figure said. "This place has enough souls. I don't think I'll be able to handle any more of them."

"Huh?"

"Knowing Link, you'd probably kill yourself," Tatl said as Link cleaved another Poe in half.

"Hold on, back up. What did he say about 'hearts'?"

"One minute to go!" The man shouted as the fourth and final Poe appeared, creating three illusions to mess with his mind.

"This looks familiar," Phantom dryly commented. "I wonder, where have I seen Poes that fight like this before?"

The real Poe turned at the sound of his voice, screeching in rage as it caught sight of him through the cage. "Oh, this one looks like it recognizes you," the figure said with amusement in his voice. Unfortunately for the Poe, Link was just barely smart enough to realize that the real Poe was the one reacting. He shot it with two fire arrows, defeating it.

He burst through the cage door. "That was fun! Can we go again? Can we can we can we?"

"Their souls have been healed," the figure said. "As a reward, here is the earthly possession which the ladies kept."

Link was expecting a giant rupee, or a giant weapon, or even some kind of fantastical item with a limited number of uses, but not another heart piece. He held it with his other three pieces of heart and they merged together, forming a giant heart container. He held it up to a light, staring at it. "What do I do with this?"

"You've done these spirits a great service," he said to Link, who by now was saddened that he couldn't go again. "I'll see you again, heh heh heh!" The robed figure faded away once more despite Ganondorf's attempts to grab his fading form.

"Dammit! Someday..."


	32. Happy Happy Fun Time

_I have been planning this for a _long _time. For the record, the name of this chapter is one of the phrases I use to describe anything that is not happy or fun in the slightest._

_Published December 4, 2010 _

**Happy Happy Fun Time**

They left the small building, reuniting with the rest of the present group. "Well done Link! Perhaps this dead kingdom has a hope after all."

Link froze, a trickle of blood sliding from his ear. "That voice... Please, not you again! Don't- AH!"

Kae Gae was perched on top of a withering tree, his head upside-down. "Oh don't look so shocked, you've seen me do this before."

"I, BARINADE, attempted to remove him from our sights, but he was too swift for even I. As such, I could not let any of the others try to fight such a dangerous foe."

Volvagia glared at the anemone, stretching the large electrical burn on his forehead. "What he means is that he shot us so we couldn't show that we were far more capable of getting rid of a simple bird."

"A _simple_ bird?" Gyorg roared in indignation. "Clearly you do not know how the caste system of the various species of the world. Fish are, of course, at the very top."

King Dodongo not-so-quietly said, "Gee, that was out of nowhere."

"SHUT UP FERRET FUCKER! As I was saying-"

"Why haven't we killed him yet?" Ganondorf asked, glaring at the annoyingly loud fish.

Odolwa picked him up like a cat, petting the fish. "He amuses me." Gyorg bit him.

Kae Gae loudly cleared his throat. "I have something very important to tell you. Are you willing to listen or will I have to dislocate your legs?"

Link drew his bow, pointing it at the owl. "I'll die before kneeling to you!"

His opponent raised an eyebrow at this strange choice of words. "I'd feel much more threatened if there was an arrow in there. Moving on, you cannot enter Stone Tower as you are now. The only living being who knows how to bypass its many traps is the King of Ikana."

"I thought he was dead," King Dodongo interrupted.

"Well it wouldn't have been as dramatic if he had said 'unliving'," Volvagia hissed.

"Do you want to die?"

"Quiet, children," Kae Gae snapped. "As I was saying, you must reach the King of Ikana to learn how to traverse Stone Tower."

"Well it's a bit hard to get into that castle. The walls are a bit big," Tatl said, ignoring how he looked like he wanted to eat her for interrupting.

"I know that. Luckily, the well atop the northern hill will lead under its impregnable walls. There is a ladder that was used as an emergency escape route back when the kingdom was at war."

"Okay, bye!" Link began to climb the hill.

"Wait!" Link froze mid-step. "The souls of the dead will not so easily let you into the castle they gave their lives for. For that, you need a mask that will let you talk with their mummified remains."

Tatl rolled her eyes, wishing that he had said this to begin with. "Let me guess, you know where to get one."

He smiled down at them. "I don't have a clue." He bent his head to the side, easily dodging Barinade's lightning attack. "You've shown enough resourcefulness thus far to make me believe that this will be but a small stepping stone."

"Well we've got a huge ass tower to climb, so a stepping stone isn't very helpful," Ganondorf snapped.

Kae Gae brought his wing up and mimicked a single tear falling from his eye.

Their solution was to summon up another Garo and beat it into submission. "R-regrettable... Although my rival, you were spectacular."

"Yeah, yeah. Get to the hint," Ganondorf grumbled.

"To revive the dried up river on Ikana hill, you must go to the spring water cave. Belief or disbelieve rests with you."

"Wait, that's it? You can't just stop giving instructions halfway through. What do I do when I get there?"

"To die without leaving a corpse..."

"Don't you dare explode on me!"

"...that is the way of us Garo." Boom.

-Spring Water Cave-

"I don't know about this," Odolwa stuttered, glancing around as though the walls were going to punch him. "That sign said there were ghost sightings. Maybe we shouldn't be here."

"The only people who could put that sign here are that cloaked guy and whoever's in that house," Tatl said, punching him as she did so. "We know that cloaked guy has a horrible sense of humour meaning he probably put that there to mess with us, so shut the fuck up and grow a pair!"

They soon reached the end of the tunnel. The room was small and had a small pool of water in the middle. "Well, nothing here, let's go."

Tatl punched the jungle warrior again. "What did I just say?"

"Something is here," Goht reported, staring upwards.

"What'd I tell you? Ghosts!"

"What'd I tell you? Shut up and just stab them!"

"You never said that last part." She punched him again.

A voice echoed through the chamber, saying, "What business have you with life flowing through you in Ikana, land where only the dead roam?"

Link stepped forward. "We're actually trying to reactivate this well," he said. "Do you know how?"

A Poe appeared high above them. Like the ghost in the grave, he too had a conductor's baton. "The dead do not need water. As only the dead should be here, water should not be here."

"That's a pretty bleak outlook," Tatl commented from beside Odolwa, intentionally bringing his gaze into the boss' direction. "I think you guys need a living person to help spice this place up. It's pretty empty and boring. We need balloons!"

"Tingle has balloons," Link told her.

"Never mind that. We need streamers."

"Quiet!" the Poe snapped. "This is no place for one as full of life as you." He laughed, raising his baton. "Or do you wish to join the dead? That is fine..."

"No th_anks_, we'll go." Odolwa's voice cracked midway through his sentence, stopping all conversation.

Ganondorf broke the silence. "Wooooooow."

"I think I'm beginning to like being here," Gyorg laughed.

"I grow tired of this useless talk. You may all sleep to the lulling melody of darkness that the great composer, Sharp, shall play. Come, join the ranks of the dead."

A horrid tune filled the chamber, piercing them to their souls. "I hate you guys!" Odolwa yelled as he fell to his knees, trying to cover his ears. "I say 'we shouldn't go in here' and you say 'come on, what could possibly go wrong?' Well now I say FUCK YOU ALL!"

Link pulled out the Ocarina of Time. "I know what to do!" He played the Song of Healing.

Sharp's tune halted as the spirit seemed to calm, his posture becoming lax. "What is this strange tune? It eases my heart. This melody has such serenity to it..."

"Yes! Once again, my thinking saves our lives."

"And yet, to one of the dead and darkness like myself, a song like that no longer holds meaning. You shall end your futile resistance and quickly join the ranks of the dead." His song returned, this time with even more intensity behind it. They felt heavy, and their eyelids grew heavy.

"Good job," Ganondorf, the least effected, growled. "Once again, your thinking dooms us all." He blasted Sharp with a ball of dark energy, sending the spirit sprawling back. His tune eased but did not halt.

Sharp, being a ghost, recovered quickly. "You dare to strike Sharp?" He waved his baton through the air to create a sharp noise that disoriented them, its strength enough to make even King Dodongo black out for a moment.

"It's times like these that I enjoy having no ears," Morpha said.

"How do you even hear?" Ganondorf hissed.

"How should I know?"

Tatl grabbed the ocarina from Link and played the Song of Storms. Sharp slowly stopped playing as raindrops poured from air, filling the cave with water. "W-what is this? This song..."

-Outside-

Kae Gae watched the river come to life, flowing through the dry rocks that hadn't experienced its touch in an unknown amount of years. This just happened to start a waterwheel on the side of the house, drawing a song from the horn on its roof. The song made the Gibdos pause, raise their hands in the air as though dancing, and disappear into the ground.

"Some days I wonder..."

-In the cave-

"Flat, my dear brother," Sharp whispered, barely paying attention to the water that came down on him. "Forgive your foolish brother who dreamt of the revival of the royal family..."

"He didn't seem very happy about the whole 'sealing him in a grave' thing," Tatl said.

Ganondorf blasted Sharp against the wall with another ball of dark energy. "And _I_ am not happy about almost getting killed! Did you really think I wouldn't try to kick your ass the moment your guard was down?"

Sharp let his baton fall into the water at their feet. "I have no intention to continue my previous actions."

"Good for you." Ganondorf began to charge up another ball of energy but found himself punched in the back of the head by a small fairy.

Sharp let his gaze travel across them. "Ye who do not fear the dead... and one who does fear the dead... With my brother's song, you have broken the curse that was placed upon me. It is all thanks to you."

"Y-yay!" Odolwa cheered in a pitiful attempt to regain his lost dignity. No one said anything.

Sharp continued, sparing Odolwa. "We dead should not be lingering here in this land. It was all a trick of the masked one who had upset things."

"You mean Skull Kid?" Tatl asked, crossing her arms. "How is he doing all of these things? I know that mask is strong, but strong enough to raise the dead, create a perpetual snowstorm and pollute an ocean?"

"HEY!" Gyorg shouted, struggling to get out of Goht's mouth and into the water below them. "_I_ polluted the ocean! And it was fucking hard to do! And who the flying fuck is Skull Kid?"

Tatl looked at him like he was an idiot. "He's the guy who did all this in the first place. You know, the masked imp thing."

"No, it was the creator that did this. It wasn't some masked imp."

"Your creator _was_ a masked imp."

"We'll talk about this later," Bongo Bono said. "Continue."

"Thank you my undead compatriot. If you truly do not fear the dead, go to the temple in this land and sever the root of the evil curse that torments us. To do that-"

"Find the king," Ganondorf finished his speech for him. "An owl told us already."

"Oh." They couldn't tell if Sharp was pleased or disappointed. "Then I shall move on. I have made my final request. Please save this dying kingdom." He faded away, leaving them in silence.

It was silent until Gyorg spoke up. "First things first. Odolwa..." The fish burst into a hysterical laughter that echoed around the cavern. "I... That was priceless!"

"Shut up!" With the ghost gone, Odolwa was returning to normal. "You can't even stand heat and just become a tiny fish!"

"At least I go out with dignity. Your voice cracked!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Fuck no, this is hilarious! I could die horribly right now and I'd still be in a good mood."

"Let's test that, shall we?"

"Bring it on, bitch!"

"Both of you shut up!" Tatl shouted, stopping their crazed screaming. "Gyorg, Odolwa, if Skull Kid didn't make you, who did?"

"Oh, that was Majora," Odolwa casually answered.

"That's the mask that Skull Kid is _wearing_!"

"I think we'd know if the thing that made us was a fucking mask," Gyorg said, rolling his eyes at her. "Majora was a... weird thing."

They left the cave, encountering Kae Gae almost immediately. "Good job. I knew that if I put my faith in you, you would find a way to reach the next step. The Gibdos fled once that house began to play that tune. There's probably something behind that but I'm currently unsure of what it is."

"Water!" Morpha and Gyorg cried out, struggling to get into the stream. Morpha was allowed while Gyorg was restrained by Goht.

"Yes, water indeed. Now... A girl living in that house has come out to inspect the river but if she sees you she'll run inside and lock the door. There is an item that will greatly assist your quest inside, so I assume that you know what to do."

Volvagia hissed, flicking his tongue across his lips. "We do."

After convincing Volvagia not to eat the small child Link, Ganondorf, Phantom and Tatl all circled around the house to sneak inside. The girl was but five metres away from the door, looking at the water opposite them. "We need to be very, very quiet," Link whispered.

The girl turned, her eyes locking onto the towering Gerudo twins. Before she could even scream Phantom summoned a ball of electricity and threw it at her, blasting her into the river where she floated away and down the waterfall.

"Oh COME ON!" Volvagia shouted from an elevated viewing point. "I wanted fucking to do that!"

"Sorry!" Phantom cried. "I didn't mean to do that! It was a reflex."

Tatl looked at the sizzling air where the girl had been. "Remind me never to sneak up on you."

-Inside the house-

For last two years she had been extremely content. Despite being contained in a small jar for the majority of it she had been well fed and, most importantly, protected from the brainless escapades of a certain skirt wearing forest boy. There was not any other thing that she could ask for.

Sure, the scientist that had kept her in good conditions had been mummified about a week ago and had since been incapable of coherent actions, but life was much better than what it could have been.

The door upstairs opened and two sets of footsteps entered, both larger than the scientist's daughter. "You two check downstairs, we'll cover up here," a voice said.

"Yeah, sure. C'mon kid."

The two footsteps began to descend the stairs and within seconds they were within view. She stared blankly, whispering, "No, it's not possible..."

Link blinked. "Navi?"

"No... No! No, I refuse! NO!"

"Navi, there you are! Let me get you out of there."

Navi began screaming, smashing face-first into the side of the jar. "NO! WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? WHATEVER IT WAS, PLEASE BE MERCIFUL AND LET ME DIE!"

Link unscrewed the jar, a huge smile covering his face. "It's been way too long since I saw you. Did you get that pizza?"

"LINK, YOU..." The previously content fairy closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She needed a way to get out of this. "Look, Ganondorf's behind you!"

"Yeah, I know." Ganondorf stepped into her view.

"AH! GANONDORF!"

"For fuck's sake, what's with all the screaming? It could wake the dead!" Tatl and Phantom floated down from the ground floor, both having different reactions to the new fairy. "Who's the ugly banshee?"

"Hello again Navi," Phantom kindly greeted, giving her a light nod.

The blue fairy paid no attention to her former companion or the king of evil, instead glaring at the white fairy. "And who the hell are you?"

"Tatl. I'm the common sense of this journey and the one who laughs at everyone when they fail. I'm guessing that you're old fairy who couldn't handle the pressure and ran off to hide in someone's basement for the last two years."

"Trust me, if you had the whole group around then you'd be on the edge of your sanity by the end," Navi snapped, glaring at her sarcastic foe.

"Oh, you mean the everyone who's outside waiting for us to finish up in here?" Tatl asked, raising an eyebrow. "I've had worse."

Navi paled, almost becoming as white as Tatl. "...Everyone's here?"

"Yup, we have everyone back!" Link exclaimed, jumping up and down in happiness. "We have a few more guys too! Well, except Goht since she's not a guy. There's Odolwa, Goht, Gyorg and Ganondorf!"

"...Ganondorf?" Navi glanced at the future king of evil.

Ganondorf was leaning in a corner, stroking his chin. "Would I look good with a beard?" he asked no one in particular.

"Not really," Phantom answered. "I'd stay with the clean chin if I were you... which I basically am."

"What was that last part?"

"Nothing, nothing."

Navi floated closer to Link's ear. "You _do_ know that-"

"He's Ganondorf, the guy who will eventually try to obtain the power of the goddesses, take over the world and turn it into a hellish wasteland beyond repair," Tatl finished, saying it quietly enough for only the two of them to hear. "Yeah, we've covered it almost a dozen times."

Their conversation was interrupted by a banging noise that originated from a closed cupboard. The five stared at it until it burst open, a mummified man moaning as he lunged at the nearest living being: Link. It took him to the ground, clawing at his head. Luckily he had managed to pull out his shield and was trying to push the monster off of himself.

"Aw crap! Someone pull him off, but try not to hurt him," Navi said.

"I have a better idea." Tatl punched the man in the head, stunning him long enough for Link to free himself. "Play the Song of Healing!"

Link put his shield away, pulling out his ocarina and playing the suggested song. The man began to flail his limbs wildly and, in a flash of light, was a normal person again. Sure, his hair bulged outward at the front and his lips were pure red, but he was mostly normal. A bandaged mask fell to the ground. "W-what? What's happening?"

Navi stared at the strange sight, noticing that they were treating it like a common event. "What have you guys been doing since I left?"

Link picked up the Gibdo Mask, storing it with his other masks.

"Oh, you got the Gibdo Mask," Navi hesitantly analyzed.

A loud crash from above signified that the door had been blasted off of its hinges and into a shelf of precariously positioned chinaware. Odolwa cleared all of the stairs in one leap, landing gracefully. "You got the Gibdo Mask! This mask was once the hideous face of Pamela's father. It looks so real that even a Gibdo would mistake you as one of its own if you weren't a retarded grasshopper."

"Pamela?" the scientist muttered to himself. "Where's Pamela? Where's my daughter?"

Everyone except Navi turned to face Phantom. "She went out," the ghost answered.

The scientist, apparently unable to stay focused on a single topic at the moment, looked at the assembled group in his basement. "I don't mean to be rude, but who are you all?"

"I'm Link, the Hero of Time!" Link exclaimed, pulling out his sword and striking a pose. "We have saved you from the curse that was placed on you by something!"

"Curse? What curse? Ooooh, are those fairies?"

"Well, I've been called something like that-"

"He means us, fairy boy," Tatl interrupted, trying to forget anything relating to Tingle. "And yes, we're fairies. See? Wings and all that crap."

"I think you should dissect them," Ganondorf suggested as he grinned at the thought.

"No, no, that's not necessary. I am the famed academic who researches fairies, ghosts and similar so-called supernatural phenomena. You won't meet another man who knows more about fairies than me in the entire Termina region."

"Oh really?" Tatl floated across the room, stroking her chin. "Do you know how fairies reproduce?"

"Oh yes. During mating season the female fairy will emit scented spores which, when absorbed through contact with a male fairy's epidermis, will draw in the male fairy without fail. The male will attempt to impress the female with various types of violent actions – if multiple males are drawn in they will kill one another – and if he succeeds the female will mate before killing and devouring the male fairy in the most bloody and cruel fashion possible, bathing in whatever blood remains. It is said that this is the reason why female fairies are such, ahem, 'violent bitches'. It is certainly the most fascinating mating ritual that I have ever seen. Most fairies will laugh maniacally as they kill the other."

Link, Ganondorf, Phantom and Odolwa were staring fearfully at the two female fairies. "Come on," Tatl sighed, rolling her eyes. "Can you really not imagine someone like me doing that?"


	33. Mazes and Mummies

_Looks like I couldn't end this thing by new year, still an entire temple to go through. This chapter wasn't hard to write but it took a long time due to life and my Chirstmas presents. Happy 2011 everybody, let's hope that it's a good year all around. I plan to finish this and the Space Pirate Confederation, start Twilight Princess and perhaps something else..._

_On another note, wow, I got a hell of a lot of reviews for the last chapter in a short amount of time. I guess people weren't expecting Navi. _

_Published January 1, 2011. The one year anniversary, yay. _

**Mazes and Mummies**

-Dawn of the Final Day, Ikana Canyon-

They left extremely quickly, leaving the scientist to find his daughter. Their next stop was the well where all the Gibdos were.

However, they ran into a familiar face on the way. Tingle managed to spot Link from his elevated balloon and dropped to the ground, running over to the group. "Might you be a fairy boy from the woods?" he excitedly asked, looking at Link in awe.

"Well I am a boy, I'm from the woods, and have a fairy, so you could say that I'm a fairy boy."

"Who's this reject?" Morpha asked, slowly rolling away from the man. "And get me off of this damn hill!"

"I is Tingle, and I think I am a fairy too!" Tingle exclaimed, throwing confetti into the air. "Tingle tingle kooloo limpah!"

Ganondorf snapped his fingers. King Dodongo lunged forward, grabbing Tingle between his teeth and devouring the small man. "That felt good to watch."

From there they proceeded toward the well. It was a long and very uphill trek. "Come on, don't make me work after eating," King Dodongo groaned as he slowly pulled himself up the crags. With one final breath he crashed to the ground, planting his face in the scattered dust. "Just go on without me, I'm done."

"We, which includes the great BARINADE, are here."

King Dodongo stood up, cracking his back. "Well that was easy."

They gathered around the well, a hole that looked to be around three metres in diameter. "I don't think we can all fit down there," Navi stated, looking at the well opening.

"Really?" Tatl dramatically gasped. "I never would have guessed!"

King Dodongo ran at the well, jumping into the air as best as he could. "VIOLENCE SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS!" He slammed on the hole, cracking the stone around it. His head was now wedged in the well. He struggled, trying to escape. "Crap! Help!" his muffled voice cried.

Volvagia slid over to him. "What's that? You want me to set you on fire?" He began to blast fire at the other dragon.

As Bongo Bongo pulled the dragon out the more sensible members of the group spoke about their options. "It looks like the big people can't come with us," Tatl said. "And if Kingy just showed us anything it's that we can't just break through like we do with more doorways. It's too deep and breaking too much will probably cause a cave in."

"Does that mean Ganondorf can't come either?" Link asked sadly, his shoulders drooping.

"I'm tall, not fat."

Navi floated closer to Link. "He wants to kill you and take over the world," she hissed. "Why are you bonding with him?"

"It's okay. Disestablishmentarianism," he proudly declared. She stared at him. "That means Ganondorf is a nice person!"

Immediately after he said this, Ganondorf kicked him down the now unblocked well. "Oh, did I just do that?" he nonchalantly questioned. "Oops."

Eventually, it was decided that King Dodongo, Odolwa and Goht would be left behind. Odolwa had just glanced at the WARNING: GHOST SIGHTINGS sign and walked off without another word. "Don't feel so bad Kingy," Volvagia hissed, being sure to stay out of King Dodongo's reach. "Just because you're useless doesn't mean we all are."

"NO ONE CALLS ME KINGY!" He lunged at his foe only to find that he had already ducked into the well. "Get back here you pansy!" Volvagia merely cackled up at him.

Odolwa, having realized that he was walking toward a wall, gave King Dodongo a pat on the shoulder. "You're not very good at this, are you?"

"YOU DIE INSTEAD!"

Down in the well, Link was pulling his face out of the mud. He tore his hookshot out of his thigh and waited for the others to arrive. "All right, let's go!" He ran into the darkness. The others heard a Gidbo's scream and "Ffffffffffffff..."

After saving Link, the Hylian took point wearing the Gibdo Mask. Volvagia's hair was bright enough to clearly illuminate the cave meaning they could see it slowly turn into a series of carved out passages. They soon found themselves in a rectangular room containing two barred off doors, each guarded by a single Gibdo. Link approached the one on the right. "Excuse me sir, but could we please proceed through here?"

"Leeeeave it!" the Gibdo roared, its limp head twitching violently.

Link glanced back at his party. "Kick its ass!" Ganondorf shouted.

He turned back to the mummy. "I don't get it."

"Leeeave me something delicious to chomp on. Something that sprouts when it's watered." The Gibdo paused. "Preferably five of them," it hastily added.

"You just want five magic beans, don't you? Here you go." Link pulled them from his pouch and placed them in the grey, decaying hand.

The Gibdo pulled them tightly to its chest. "Ah! Thisss! Thisss is what I want! I bear you no remorssse." It walked to the side and the barred lifted, letting them pass.

"It just wanted some beans," Link called to his friends. "Come on!"

They walked through the door, cautiously watching the Gibdo in case it made any sudden movements. Fortunately, it was completely engulfed in its beans. "Sssoon we will have a nice little garden, won't we?" it whispered to itself. "There will be sssunflowers and beansss and potatoesss, won't there? Yesss there will. It will be the bessst garden ever!"

Immediately after passing through the door an ice keese froze Link solid. After doing so it happily flew away.

There were two more Gibdos in this room; Link approached the one to their left. "Leeeeave it! Leave me something deliciously fresh!" It said nothing else, just staring at Link.

"I think he wants a fish," Link announced. He pulled out a bottle and dumped the fish it contained in the Gibdo's boney palm. It thanked him and wandered off to show the other Gibdo the fish it had.

"Do not give away a fish so easily!" Gyorg roared. "He did not prove himself worthy you fucktard! Who knows what he'll do with such a thing?"

Ganondorf shut up him with a kick. "When the hell did you get magic beans and a fish? More importantly, why the fuck do you have a fish?"

"There was one in the river," Link answered calmly. "I- AH!" A Wallmaster pulled him into the darkness above. They stared up for a moment before Volvagia bathed the area in flames. He did this until Link fell, the Wallmaster's seared corpse landing on top of him.

"That's what happens when you don't pay attention to the loud whooshing noise," Morpha chided.

"Don't pretend that you noticed it before it happened," Navi snapped.

Tatl gasped dramatically. "What's this? Someone defending Link?" She pretended to faint.

"He seems much better than two years ago," Navi said. "I'm just saying."

Ganondorf's gaze wandered to the boy in question. "And now he's eating a Deku Nut. This'll be good."

A bright flash filled the area. "AH!"

"That was glorious."

With that out of the way their trek through the catacombs was continued. "Leeeeave it! Leave me a ghost... a big one at that!" the next Gibdo screamed.

Link turned to the group. "He wants a Big Poe," he explained.

"And I'm guessing that you've got one up your ass, right?" Ganondorf commented. He snorted when Link stared at him, most likely confused. "Nevermind. Let's check the other one." He jerked his head at the room's second Gibdo.

"But this is the right way!"

No matter how much Ganondorf attempted to argue that they should seek an alternate path, Link wouldn't budge. Eventually he killed the other Gidbo, saying, "You want to go that way? Fine, now it's the ONLY way!"

"I think you have some issues you need to work out," Bongo Bongo commented.

"And you're an abominable shit stain that has yet to be wiped off the ass crack of society... and you're ugly." Bongo Bongo's yellow eye narrowed at the man. "Since you're a ghostly thing, any idea where to find a Poe?"

Link cleared his throat, catching their attention. "I know where to go."

They followed him out of the well, catching King Dodongo pinning Odolwa and preparing to decapitate him with his own sword when they exited. "It looks like you two are becoming good friends," Tatl disinterestedly said.

"Heh started ih!" King Dodongo growled, his teeth locked around the hilt.

"I didn't do one thing!" Odolwa cried, struggling to free himself from the dinosaur. "I just said he sucks and he started trying to kill me! Overreaction much?"

"Odolwa, stop taunting the angry dragon. Kingy, stop trying to kill the idiot. Link, tell us where you're leading us or I'm neutering you."

-Night of the Final Day, Ikana Graveyard-

"Captain, sir!" A Stalchild saluted Link who returned the salute. "Permission to speak freely?"

"Permission granted, private," Link replied in his gruff, militaristic voice.

"No offense meant sir but you look like a lanky kid wearing a skull on his head. Also, I'm a private second class."

"Do I look like I give a rat's inflamed pancreas about what your rank is? I want you to dig up that grave there without the sass, private!" Link pointed at a random grave.

"Uh, yes sir..."

-In the grave-

This grave was much more ornate than Flat's. The room was large and brightly coloured, Volvagia being the main reason that they could see. "Who's there?" a voice from a dark corner asked aloud.

Odolwa pulled out his sword, stabbing blindly into the darkness.

"AH! Don't kill me!"

Volvagia flew closer, revealing Dampe. He was cowering against the wall which had a plethora of stab marks in the stone. Odolwa sheathed his blade. "Sorry about that. I get jumpy sometimes."

"Oh, uh, yes, I see."

"What's that for?" Ganondorf asked, obviously talking about the shovel Dampe had in his hand. "Finding a few treasures?"

"Hm? Me? No, I'm... just... walking... my shovel. What's making that bright light?"

"Walking your shovel," Ganondorf repeated. "Have fun with that. I'm going to rob this place blind."

Dampe opened his mouth to comment but his gaze was quickly drawn to Volvagia and his glowing mane. "A dragon?"

"Yes, I am a mighty dragon," Volvagia hissed. "One who is very useful in the darkness."

"I call bullshit," King Dodongo snapped. "You're so thin and boney that you have trouble pushing air out through your nose."

"Shut-"

"SHIT!" They turned to see a Big Poe, easily larger than Ganondorf, lifting the Gerudo King into the air. He unsheathed his sword and swung around, slashing the ghost across the arm. It hissed, dropping him to the floor.

Odolwa screamed, throwing his arms up. "Protect me my friends!" He danced, summoning a swarm of moths. They hovered ineffectually around the Poe until it swung its lantern, lighting them ablaze. "NOOO! Tom! Julie! Kingsley! Martin! Prince! Princess! Price! And a bunch of other names I'm making up on the spot! You bastard! Ghost or not, you're going _down_!" Odolwa leapt at the Big Poe, stabbing at it. The Poe became incorporeal and he went right through, crashing into the oddly placed block structure behind it. He fell to the ground, defeated. "And that," he groaned, "is why I never try to overcome anything."

The Big Poe materialized beside him, mockingly smacking him with its lantern before fading away.

"Foolish fool, this is no such job for one like you. This is a fight that only the great BARINADE can conquer!" Barinade balanced himself on one tentacle and fired electric currents around the room with his other two. One random bolt smashed the Poe's lantern causing it to appear in anger. The Poe charged at Barinade only to be knocked out of the air by his hammer.

Link quickly ran to the downed Poe and scooped it into an empty bottle, corking it. "I got a Big Poe!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah," Odolwa croaked, giving Link a half-hearted thumbs-up. "Good job."

"I, BARINADE, had no trouble vanquishing that foe," Barinade said without even attempting to sound modest. "Unlike a jungle warrior whose name I will not say to save his dignity. That's what I'd say were I not a dick. You suck Odolwa!"

"Suckle my sweaty balls."

While they talked about how they could now proceed, Link noticed an object in the distance. He approached it, finding that it was a treasure chest. Inside of it was...

"Hey, an empty bottle," Navi said, floating over to him. "Now you-"

"You found an empty bottle!" Odolwa suddenly exclaimed from across the tomb. "Put things in it... I hurt all over."

The fairy ignored him. "Now you can hold more small objects and liquids. This would have been convenient for holding that Poe if you didn't already have an extra bottle."

"Well he already had a bottle, making your analysis POINTLESS," Odolwa shouted.

"Are you trying to make a competition out of announcing the purpose of meaningless items?"

"I'm doing what I'm paid to do, nothing more, nothing less."

"Don't bother asking, twinkle toes," Ganondorf commented to the fairy. "If we could get answers I'd have tortured them out of him ages ago."

"We should probably get to something productive," Bongo Bongo said, putting an end to the conversation. "We're on a timer but we always seem to have time to just stop and insult each other, don't we?"

"Ugly Bongo is right!" Link exclaimed. "We need to get back to our quest. The world is counting on us!"

"We have ten hours," Ganondorf said. "I think that's enough time to find our way into the castle and call it a cycle. We'll restart after that and get a fresh countdown to work through that place."

"But we need to find Gohma and the ogres," Link protested, not noticing Ganondorf chortle quietly at what he thought Koume and Kotake were. "We can't go back without them."

"I stand by what I said."

-Ikana-

They returned to the well, the same group as last time going down. Bongo Bongo punched out the ice keese and Ganondorf killed the Wallmaster, clearing the way to the third Gibdo. Link gave it the Big Poe.

"Yessss," the Gibdo groaned, hugging the ghost tightly. It seemed to be uncomfortable with the current position. "We'll be besssst friendssss, won't we? Of course we will. Who'ssss a good ghossst? You're a good ghossst! You may passss." It walked away, cuddling its reluctant friend.

"All he wanted was a friend," Link declared, nodding happily. "It looks like- Oh. He's eating it... Let's go."

-The next room-

The group stared blankly at the hallway before them. Three giant rolling spiked polls were periodically crossing the passage in an attempt to skewer anyone who might try to proceed. They were all together, making a three sided box. "Who the hell put _these _down here?" Tatl growled, irritated by the delays. It was getting too close to the third midnight.

"If we time ourselves just right, we can easily pass unharmed," Phantom declared. "Wait until none of them are on the ground and slip past."

Ganondorf held out his hand and, with a blast of magic, blew them off of their gears and into pieces.

"Or that."

The fourth Gibdo said, "Leeeeave it! Leave me something rich in calcium!"

"He wants milk," Link said to his friends, all of whom stood far away from the undead monstrosity. Link pulled out a bottle, uncorked it, and emptied the milk into the Gibdo's hand. Almost all of it slid between its meatless fingers.

"Yessss, I have alwayssss wondered how this tastessss..." It turned away, thankfully sparing them from seeing its face up close as it brought its hand up to it, walking away from the door.

The next room had no noticeable exits but also was not made of the same materials as the rest of the tunnels. Four torches sat in the room along with a giant block with a sun on it. With a sweeping breath Volvagia lit them all. A chest appeared in an alcove to the right. "That was easy," the dragon hissed.

Barinade threw the chest open, pulling from it the Mirror Shield. "I, BARINADE, shall put this to great use," he said, holding it up along with his Megaton Hammer.

"No way!" Navi argued. "You can't use that hammer, carry Morpha _and_ hold the shield. You only have three arms."

"I find the term 'arms' to be demeaning toward my obviously superior tentacles. Unlike your pathetic limbs that only bend once, mine can do much more." He curled up one of his tentacles before flexing it.

"Just give Link the shield."

Link took the Mirror Shield, tossing his old shield away. "Where's Odolwa?"

Several members looked at him as though he had asked why they call him stupid. "He stayed outside," Navi slowly answered, making sure that he caught all of the words.

"I know, but he hasn't burst in yet. He usually bursts in when we get something new."

"Personally, I'm glad," Ganondorf said. "He's been a whiny bitch since we came here and I'm getting tired of it. We just beat a fucking ghost without breaking a sweat and he's still afraid of them."

"To be fair, he did get thrown around like a ragdoll," Phantom said.

Gyorg chuckled lightly. "That was really funny."


	34. Ancient Castle for an Ancient King

_Whew, I'm glad that's over with. The last month has basically been full of assignments, exams and college applications. Now that the first two are done I can post this extra long chapter and hopefully get back to my regular writing patterns. With that out of the way, enjoy this chapter involving a battle I really like that should have been considered a boss!_

_Published January 26, 2011 _

**Ancient Castle for an Ancient King**

"Wow..."

The Ancient Castle of Ikana was as large as, if not larger than, Clock Town. Giant pillars holding still lit flames lined the courtyard to illuminate walls that looked as though they used to have colour on them. As it was they were faded but still held strong, keeping outsiders out. The stone gate took up almost all of the front wall, standing tall.

"Wow indeed," Tatl said, floating away from Link and rising above the group. "Anyone see any signs of the others?"

"Nope, let's go," Ganondorf immediately responded. "Play that nice little song so we can make like a tree and leave."

"I, BARINADE, judge that pun as terrible!"

"I agree with the loudmouth," Tatl added.

"We aren't leaving until we find at least Gohma," Navi stated, standing firm against the future king of evil. "I _need_ someone to talk to."

"Aw, we not enough for your highly developed brainpower?" Tatl asked, pretending to pout.

"Oh shut it."

"What an overwhelming comeback! I am floored by-" Navi drove her fist into the sarcastic fairy's chin. After recovering from the admittedly weak blow, Tatl said, "There may be hope for you yet."

"That's enough guys," Link said, easily pulling the two away from each other. "We can work this out like fine, disestablishmentarianized people."

"What the kid means is that that moon isn't getting any farther," Ganondorf interpreted. "We should find G-ma, cut our losses and leave. OY! GET OVER HERE YOU... FREAKY SPIDER... THING!"

His words echoed through the courtyard, yielding no immediate response. "It was worth a try."

A swoosh caught their attention. "Gohma?" Ganondorf weakly repeated, desperately hoping that it wasn't his parents.

His hopes were wasted.

"Well, looks like they finally found a way in, didn't they Koume?" Kotake asked, cackling to herself.

"Yes they did Kotake. They aren't as useless as we thought." Koume and Kotake floated down from the roof, circling the group on their brooms once before landing. "I was beginning to think that we'd have to give up and go back to you instead."

"Yes you were, isn't that right Koume?"

"I just said that Kotake."

"Witches!" Link happily exclaimed. "You're okay!"

"Of course we are," Kotake said, waving off his concern. "We've endured more problems than you could possibly imagine over the 3.8 centuries, many of which have driven us to madness, EEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEE!"

"We're four hundred, Kotake."

Ganondorf sighed. "Why are you two still alive?"

"You should know us by now Ganondorf," Koume said, cackling.

"We'll never die!" Kotake declared. "We've been alive long enough to be completely resilient to death."

Volvagia's eyes glanced over the two. "Is that so?" he hissed. "I'm impressed. I'd have thought that one would have killed the other by now."

Kotake snapped her fingers, suddenly remembering something. "That just jogged my memory! The spider's dead."

The courtyard went silent, everyone going still. The silence was broken when Koume rolled her eyes, sighing, "Stuck, not dead."

"No, I'm almost certain that he's dead."

"'He'?" Gyorg disbelievingly repeated. "Do any of you know _anything_ about each other or are you just a bunch of idiots who like to have others hear your voice?"

"The voice of BARINADE is that of a god!"

"Okay, that's enough," Navi said. "Though Barinade, you do have a nice baritone voice. Bring us to Gohma and we'll work something out from there."

They entered the castle, passing from a dimly lit hallway into what could have once been an extravagant foyer. From above hung one of Gohma's pincers, stuck between the edge of a hole in the roof and an enormous rock. Just below that were four ReDeads, three of their petrified faces staring at the group. The fourth had fallen and couldn't get up.

"Wait!" Link put on the Captain's Hat, holding his palm out at them. "You've all got some mighty large explainin' to do!"

The ReDeads glanced at each other. They returned their gaze to Link who took their silence as a sign to continue. "What happened to you guys? You used to be great. You used to be the best dancers in the whole world! Your dances had meaning back then. They made us laugh and cry. What happened to turn you from those dancers to these rotting things that scream at people? You can fix all that now, just-"

Ganondorf blasted the zombies to pieces.

"All right, now that that's over with how're you doing Gohma?" Tatl asked the pincer.

"I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place that is also made of rock, how do you think I am?" Gohma snapped, the rest of her body hidden from sight. "Get up here and get this thing off of me!"

"Will do!" Link ran through the only unlocked door. "Hey, this thing makes the floor come up. I wonder what happens if I do this... Okay, this is AHHH-" His scream was cut off.

The others cautiously followed into the room. There was a crystal trigger on both sides of the room and a giant slab that stretched across the room in between. "Kid, where are you?" Ganondorf asked the empty room.

"Probably crushed," Volvagia hissed. "We all knew him well and had all assumed he'd get himself killed someday the question was how. Seeing as I lost the pool let us move on."

Before the dragon could even move a scream of "WAIT!" made him flinch. "I, BARINADE, believe that he is still alive underneath that stone slab. I shall make it rise with pure might, BEHOLD!" He turned and smacked the crystal.

The stone slab rose by some unknown magic, pulling it to the roof. Link poked his head up from a Deku Flower that sprung up from beneath it, its elasticity preventing it from being permanently crushed. "Hi."

"What are you doing in there?" Navi asked.

The plate began to rumble. "Well- AH!" He ducked back into the flower as it crashed down, covering the hero once again. Barinade reactivated the switch and he emerged for a second time. "That happened so I jumped into the flower."

"That's great," Tatl commented. "Get over here."

And now for something completely different: a dragon and a fish becoming friends.

"So, you're a fish," Volvagia hissed, hovering over the dog sized Gyorg.

"No, I'm a robotic fucking chicken who shoots lasers from my eyes. Of course I'm a fish!"

"Your anger amuses me. Tell me why you think you're a credible threat."

"Don't order me around! Moisture makes me become immense, larger than even you! Once I get into that river I will be able to destroy you all!"

"Oh will you?" Volvagia picked the fish off of the floor by his tail, holding him tightly and avoiding his snaps. "Are you sure that you won't end up becoming part of the group like everyone else?"

"No! I'd be gone by now if everyone didn't keep pulling me around!" He managed to twist himself and sink his teeth into Volvagia's wrist. He immediately let go, his smoke smoking. "Son of a bitch, you're hot!"

"Thank you."

After proceeding further through the ruined palace, destroying enough walls to make an archaeologist cry, they found a spiralling staircase. "Just up here," Koume said. "Gohma's just ahead."

Up the staircase they went. After a few moments they emerged on the roof of the castle, the stars above them obscured by the ever-growing moon. Gohma was just to the side, a giant boulder on top of her claw. Ganondorf turned to his parents. "So if Gohma was on the roof, why didn't you just have us _fly_ up here?"

"It was a test of courage," Kotake announced.

"Fuck courage, I can shoot lightning out of my hands!"

Gohma interrupted their argument with a shout of, "Stop yapping and get this rock off of me!"

Bongo Bongo appeared beside her, cracking his knuckles. He grabbed the rock by its underside and pulled, trying with all of his might to move the boulder. It didn't budge. "Ganondorf, push the other side," he grunted.

Ganondorf put his palms against it and began to push the rock. The added leverage caused it to shift, but it stayed grounded.

"Feel free to contribute," Bongo Bongo added, glancing at the rest of them.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade blasted the rock with lightning. Upon collision the lightning exploded, a stray bolt hitting Bongo Bongo's eye. His grip faltered and the boulder fell back into place.

"Great, now I've lost circulation," Gohma grunted. "Anyone have a new plan?"

They pondered for a moment, each thinking of a different way to remove the rock. Some thought of physical force, others thought of sawing Gohma's arm off. One, however...

"Let's blow it up!" Link happily suggested.

A dozen bombs were placed around the boulder. "Wacka wacka!" Link shot them with a fire arrow, detonating the devices. The boulder was engulfed in flames for a moment but was otherwise unharmed.

"I think we need more," Ganondorf commented.

Linked turned his bomb bag upside-down, shaking it. "I'm out."

"Then we find more."

They were transported to Clock Town using the Song of Soaring. The moon blanketed the town, its underside glowing an eerie orange. "I suggest a Powder Keg," Tatl said.

To buy one of those they would need fifty rupees. "Let's just steal it," Ganondorf said. "It won't have any negative repercussions and you know it. We are not going back to that crazy money molester."

"We shouldn't do horrible things just because we can," Navi countered. "It would be an abuse of our power."

"Why are all of the fairies so moral?"

They approached the bank, finding the banker's position vacant. "Well, he's gone," Tatl quickly said. "Let's just rob the place."

The banker's head popped up from below his front desk. "Huh? What's going on? I can't believe anyone's still here!"

"Hi!" Link happily waved his hand in greeting. It should be noted that a tremor chose this moment to shake the city. "I have an account here and would like to withdraw fifty rupees."

"You want rupees?" the banker repeated. "But the world will end soon and the rupees are lonely. I'm comforting them for their last moments and oh boy is it one hell of a comforting!" He threw back his head and inhaled deeply. "Mmm, raspberry..."

"Give us the money or these monsters will murder you in cold blood," Tatl growled out.

"Okay, okay, no need to get hostile. Just give me a few minutes so I can-"

"NOW!"

"All right. I'll have to pay you in majestic red and charming blue rupees since I misplaced all of the purple ones. Haven't been able to sit straight for weeks."

"That's gross."

As the banker ducked back under his desk to hopefully get untainted rupees the others all turned to look up at the moon, having never seen it from this angle. A nearby clock rang once.

"If we throw Morpha up there, do you think he would stay?" Ganondorf randomly asked. The others all looked at the moon before their gaze fell to the small ball.

"I command you all to stop considering it at once!" he snapped indignantly. "I am not a bouncy ball that you can just toss around, I am a god!"

"BARINADE IS CURIOUS!" Barinade picked up Morpha only to have the Bomb Mask detonate in his tentacle.

"Foolish cretin, I am not one who will go down without a fight!"

"And now," Tatl sang as she floated past him, "you need to wait forty seconds for it to recharge."

Several minutes later the banker returned, looking at his rupees with regret. "I'm sorry but the people need you. Don't worry, we'll be reunited in the afterlife. Then you guys can go raspberry!"

He looked up, seeing the group all staring into the sky. "Any results?" Tatl asked.

"I think I hear something," Phantom responded.

A small dot began to fall from the sky. It grew larger, a scream of rage growing louder with its approach. "I WILL VIOLATE YOU WITH MY TENTA-" Morpha crashed into the ground, falling silent and likely unconscious immediately.

-Ikana Castle-

With that strange business out of the way they placed a single powder keg on the other side of the boulder, away from Gohma. "This seems like a really bad idea," Gohma nervously commented, trying to pull her claw as far away from the explosives as possible. It was one of the few times she was openly scared and rightfully so. It was half a tonne of gunpowder in a loose wooden barrel; the skull and crossbones didn't help.

"I think it's a great idea!" Link lit the fuse. "I'll be way over there." He ran, hiding behind a stone column twenty metres away with the others.

"Just in case this doesn't work out," Gohma began, watching the fuse get smaller and smaller, "you all need to call King Dodongo Kingy at every possible opportunity."

The Powder Keg detonated, enveloping the area in smoke. Everyone with eyes and hands shielding their face from the flying shrapnel, waiting for the smoke to clear. Eventually it did so, revealing both Gohma and the boulder to still be intact.

"This annoys me," coughed the arachnid. "I can't believe you're all being beaten by a fucking rock!"

A loud crack caught everyone's attention. From where the powder keg had been sprouted a spider web of cracks on the castle roof. They all stared as the cracks spread toward a not-so-happy spider boss. "Someone do something!" Gohma snapped.

Before anything _could_ be done the area caved in, the sudden change in support causing the boulder to roll off of Gohma and into the pit. She brought up her claw, shaking it to regain blood flow.

"And that concludes that," Link said, brushing the dust from his clothes.

"I should throttle you where you stand, but I won't."

Without warning, the roof caved in. "How unfortunate," Tatl commented absentmindedly as she, Navi, Volvagia, Bongo Bongo, Phantom and the witches watched their companions struggle out of the rubble.

Link pulled himself from the stones, taking a seat while the larger members tried to find Morpha. "Dig around my voice!" he shouted.

Out of sheer coincidence, a beam of light from above struck Link's shield, deflecting to the wall that depicted a massive sun. The block became a pillar of light, fading away in a brilliant flash. "This shield is awesome!"

The new hallway was surprisingly large, it would probably fit King Dodongo if he wasn't sitting outside of the well killing Odolwa. Unlike many of the other areas the walls weren't cracked and missing large sections of paint, it was as though someone was still caring for it.

"Are we almost at the king?" Link groaned. "My feet hurt and I'm hungry. I wonder if he has food..."

"He's undead," Tatl stated. "I doubt we'll be able to do this without encountering some hostility."

The hall ended abruptly, blocked by an ornate door. "The king will probably be through here," Navi said.

"WRONG!" Tatl punched her in the back of the head. "Through here will be another door, and through _there_ will be the king."

The punch had enough force to make Navi bounce off of the ground. "The fuck is wrong with you? The idea's stupid enough as it is, but why in the goddess' name did you drill your knuckles in my brain?"

Tatl casually brushed the non-existent dust from his fist. "Hm? Yeah, the idea's ridiculous. I just wanted to donkey punch a bitch."

"Violence is hilarious," Volvagia hissed.

Bongo Bongo pulled open the door, opening the way into the darkness beyond. Two windows let in thin streams of the moon's orange glow, reminding them just how close to the end of the three days they were. The room was massive yet empty, containing only a single throne at the other end. A silhouetted figure sat upon it, unmoving.

Link entered the room. "Excuse me? Mister King of Ikana?"

The figure said nothing.

The others filtered into the room, Bongo Bongo closing the door behind them. "I'm glad I'm used to this type of lighting since it's fucking dark in here," Ganondorf commented.

Without warning red curtains fell over the windows, blotting out the light that remained. "Oh insolent ones who have brought the unthinkable into a land as dark as Ikana..." the king said, his bone jaw clanking loudly in the silence. "My servants have fallen namelessly before the light that guides you. However..."

Two Stalfos came from the darkness, appearing at his sides. One was rather thin while the other was wide and short, but both were well armed.

"I knew we'd have to fight," Tatl muttered.

"The darkness in which my servants live in is, after all, fleeting. You shall soon see with your own eyes just what kind of fear _true_ darkness really is!" He rose to his feet, signalling for the two bodyguards to advance.

"Hold on, we aren't here to fight," Navi quickly said, flying between the two groups while remembering to stay close to the big allies. "We just want to talk."

"Fuck talk, I wanna fight!" Ganondorf swiftly drew his scarcely swung sword with skill, set for the soon to occur swordplay. "Every time we try to be diplomatic with the undead it fails so let's just kick their ass and _then_ talk."

Tatl gave Navi a patronizing pat on the shoulder as she opened her mouth. "Let the baby have his bottle."

The thin skeleton laughed to itself. "How cute." It shielded an overhead slash from Ganondorf.

Link too pulled out his blade. "I can help!" He ran at the shorter skeleton.

"Ha! You think you can beat the greatest swordsman in all of Ikana, kid?"

"What?" The thin skeleton's ribcage was sliced by Ganondorf's sword but it didn't seem to care. "You are _not_ the greatest swordsman in Ikana!"

"Of course I am!" The short skeleton blocked Link's slash and kicked him across the room, his attention now focused on his ally. "I'm the guy who singlehandedly killed ten Garo Masters all by myself! I'm the Hero of Hilbar Hill!"

"Wow, your ego's so intense that it's burning my non-existent nerve endings!" By now Ganondorf was no longer fighting the Stalfos, more interested in seeing how this would go. "Just because you make imaginary titles for yourself doesn't mean you're important."

"Bah, your jealousy is an arrow on your shield. My sword has never been taken from my hand and you know it!"

The thin skeleton slapped his loosely held sword from his hand. "Oh, look at that."

"Hey!" The short Stalfos swiped his sword from the ground. "You must think you're so witty."

"I do actually."

"ENOUGH!" They both froze, quickly facing their king. "Kill them **now**."

"Yes my lord!" the thin skeleton whimpered. They turned, going after Link and Ganondorf again. This time the thin skeleton was fighting Link while the short cocky one attacked Ganondorf in an obvious attempt to prove his superiority.

The duelling duos continued fighting, each side having a varying degree of success. "Shouldn't someone help them?" Navi asked the group.

"Oh they'll be fine," Koume said.

"Ganondorf has handled worse than them," Kotake added. "Like when he conquered the world and had to fight off everyone, isn't that right Koume?"

"Shut it, he's not supposed to know about that," Gohma grunted. Normally she'd hit the witch out of the air but her arm hurt.

"Oh he already knows," Kotake casually said, her eyes not leaving the battles. Koume face-palmed.

Meanwhile, Link was, surprisingly, keeping up with the Stalfos. "You're a tough brat, aren't you?" the skeleton hissed as it parried a slash.

"I think so," Link answered. "The others have called me an _insignificant_ or _hardly capable_ brat, but not a tough one. Thank you!"

"I- don't thank your opponent!"

"Okay. In that case, you suck."

"You're a dull one, aren't you?"

The skeleton bashed Link with its shield, knocking him off balance. Before it could follow up a crash caught everyone's attention, turning several heads. It was followed by a beam of moonlight that was now filtering into the room through one of the uncovered windows. Odolwa lay beneath the window, the red curtain that used to shield it now tangled around his body. He tore it to pieces, standing straight. He was panting, mumbling words like "mummies," "in the corner" and "almost missed it." He faced Link. "You got the Mirror Shield!" he enthusiastically shouted. It echoed around the room until dying down, leaving only an awkward silence.

Link snapped his fingers. "I have an idea!" He ran into the ray of light, using his Mirror Shield to reflect it at Ganondorf's foe. The skeleton screamed in both surprise and pain as the light burned right through it, bones disintegrating.

"Oh no," the thin skeleton muttered. "The greatest swordsman in Ikana is down. Whatever shall we do?" He blocked the beam of light with his shield when Link turned to face him. "Nice try brat, but I'm not nearly as stupid-"

Ganondorf's sword tore through him, scattering the bones across the floor. Link then destroyed the bones with his new beam of light.

"It seems like the cards are on the table," Link slyly stated, waving his beam of light around the room.

"I don't think you know what that means," Ganondorf said, sheathing his sword. "Actually, scratch that. I _know_ you don't know what that means." Link shined the beam in Ganondorf's eyes. "Stop that."

The king rose to his feet, drawing his own sword and shield. "Light... You can't get enough of it, can you? You use it even as a weapon in the hope of fighting true darkness. In the light, there is always darkness. But in the darkness, is there light? I will dim your light!"

Link shone the light toward the king only to discover that it wasn't even reaching him. "Guys? He's too far away."

"That just means he can't get us," Ganondorf said. "Just wait."

The king opened his mouth, sending out a purple mist which flew toward them at an alarming speed. The mist staggered Ganondorf and made Link flinch, stunning him for just a moment.

A moment was all that he needed. The king bounded across the room, swinging his blade into the light and knocking Link's shield from his grip. He followed up by kicking it across the room. Ganondorf pulled back his arm to attack only to find himself needing to block the king's powerful blows.

Odolwa limped over to the group. "So is that the King of Ikana?"

"The very same," Phantom answered.

"Did Ganondorf piss him off too?"

"Surprisingly no," Tatl said. "He was pissed off before we even got here. By the way, why are you here?"

"I was needed. I only wish I didn't have to go through that well. On the plus side, everything down there is now dead... again."

"Right. How are Goht and Kingy?"

Odolwa shrugged. "They're not too happy about standing around and waiting for the moon to crush them but I always say that they're too hard to please." He winced when the king grabbed Ganondorf's sword by the blade and beat his own hilt against the Gerudo's head. "That guy is good."

Ganondorf abandoned his sword, unleashing attacks of dark energy upon his foe. As it turned out the king's shield could block more than light; he shielded himself from the blasts and countered with his purple breath.

"DAMN YOU PURPLE! WE WERE ALLIES! _ALLIES_!"

The room became even brighter. The king fixed his gaze upon Link, seeing that he had burned away the second curtain with a fire arrow. "Once again, red saves us all," he happily stated, nodding as though approving his own comment. It was then that he noticed that the king was advancing on him, and he had no shield.

"You dare to further defile my castle with _more_ of your light?"

"Uh... I dare _you_ to stop attacking me." Link apparently thought this was a suitable counterpoint.

Unfortunately, the king didn't even pause. "I don't know if you believe yourself witty or you're just stupid, but it means nothing in a battle of arms."

While the king attacked Link, Ganondorf trudged over to the group and dropped down on his ass. "I'm going to take a breather." He seemed too tired to notice that many of the monsters were watching him. "I'm not someone to compliment others, in fact whenever I do it's usually there just to thinly veil some vulgar insult, but that bastard sure is good at hitting other guys with his sword."

Link rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding a decapitation attempt. He tried to hack off the king's legs but the Stalfos simply hopped over it. Link backed up, suddenly finding himself standing directly in one of the light streams. He took the time to think. It is now time to delve into Link's thoughts and see just how he reaches many of the conclusions a regular person would question. 'So light beats him. That means I need to use light, but he keeps getting between me and my shield. I need to use some other form of light... maybe a light object will work, but what do I have that's light? A feather's light, but I don't have any of those. Wait, my arrows have feathers! This means I need to shoot him with an arrow! But if I do the head will go in, not the feather. Maybe I should shoot it backwards so the feathers hit him first! Oh Link, how does your heroic mind think of these things so quickly?'

He pulled out his bow, stringing an arrow backwards. When he released it the arrow flew a few feet, spinning the whole time. It lightly hit the ground.

The king reached up and tore his own head from his shoulders. As he was just air and bones it wasn't that disgusting. His body became transparent and the head flew into the air, whirling around Link as the body approached. The king laughed as his body walked into the light, sword raised.

"That's not right..."

Tatl punched Navi's shoulder. "Hey, could you help me with something?"

"Will you stop punching me if I do?"

Tatl turned to Odolwa. "Hey, could you help me with something?"

Link ducked under the initial swing only to have his outstretched face bashed by its shield, knocking him outside of the light and likely providing more cranial damage. The head dove, latching its jaw around Link's head. The body approached the struggling boy, ready to deliver the final blow.

A ray of light was deflected at the king's head. It let go, screeching as it flew back to its body.

In the other beam of light Tatl gave Odolwa, who now had the Mirror Shield, a pat on the head. "Good jungle warrior from a swamp. The only problem is that he's not dissolving. I hope you can fix that."

The king's head flew back to his body, reattaching itself. "I'm getting tired of these interferences!"

"I AM INTERFERENCE!" Barinade's hammer _almost_ collided with the king's head – he kind of blocked it.

"There are far too many egos in this room. I will find joy in removing them!" The king spun around, attacking the tentacles mass.

"Foolish magical construct, I am BARINADE!" He blasted the king with lightning. Unfortunately, being nothing but bones, it didn't really affect him.

"ENOUGH!" The king began spinning, more purple gas spewing from his mouth than ever before.

The proceeding act of Link randomly shooting a fire arrow into the haze revealed a critical factor in their imminent victory: the gas was flammable. It violently ignited and expanded into an explosion. Barinade was sent flying into the wall in one piece but the king was not so lucky. His bones scattered across the room, the head landing square in the middle of a ray of moonlight. After a few moments it and all of the other bones dissolved.

"I, BARINADE, AM PAINED!"


	35. Into Stone Tower

_Basically another transitional chapter though there are some important parts in here... Okay, there is a really important part in here. Next time, we enter Stone Tower Temple!_

_Published January 12, 2011 _

**Into Stone Tower**

A blue apparition appeared before the group, its appearance matching that of the thin skeleton's head. It stared at Link, opening its mouth to begin speaking.

A blue, ghostly version of the short skeleton's head rammed it to the side. "Out of the way! You're blocking me!"

The first disembodied head, being incorporeal and thus unable to experience pain, quickly recovered. "B-blocking you?" the thin skeleton cried indignantly. "How the hell am I blocking you from anything?"

"You're always blocking me! If you weren't there, I could have won!"

"Oh don't be so conceited. Even if you had _somehow_ beaten the big man the monsters would have completely decimated you. Knowing how feeble you are, you wouldn't have even gotten that far though."

"WHAT?" the short head shouted, glaring fiercely at the thin head. "Just try saying that again, I _dare_ you."

The thin head was amused. "Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. Feeble. I can spell it if you'd prefer. F, E, E..."

"Shut up, you don't know anything! I'm the greatest swordsman in all of Ikana, the killer of a thousand Garo! Don't think that you can just insult my skills without consequence!"

"I also have some synonyms: Weak. Pathetic. Laughable. Frail. Want more?"

"DRAW YOUR WEAPON!"

The thin head stared at the short head. "You go first." He burst into laughter.

"ENOUGH!" The king's blue head floated down from above. "Haven't you fools begun to understand? Aren't petty little battles like this what destroyed our kingdom?" The two heads flew off to the side, being silent for their king. He floated down to them, harmlessly passing through a beam of light on his trip. "Believing in your friends and embracing that belief by forgiving failure... these types of feelings have vanished from our hearts."

"I take it you've calmed down then," Tatl said to the head.

"Yes. I apologize for my previous actions, they were not my own. I am Igos du Ikana, formerly the ruler of this land. When the doors of Stone Tower were open a curse was thrust upon my land."

"I assume that's the reason for the zombie pest problems," Gohma grunted.

Odolwa had a flash of inspiration. "Wait, so if we close Stone Tower the zombies and ghosts will disappear?"

"Yes." Odolwa pumped his fist through the air. "But I fear that even you will be incapable of doing so." Odolwa's shoulders slumped. "Even my army at its fullest was unable to conquer its walls."

"Didn't you say the door was open?" Morpha questioned. "Shouldn't you have been able to walk right in?"

"If only it were so simple... However, the light you carry is likely to aid you."

"If it all 'light and darkness' to you?" Ganondorf impatiently asked, sighing loudly. "What happened to just brute forcing your way in?"

"Power is not everything."

Ganondorf almost said "Is too" but managed to stop himself.

"The light that you carry was powerful enough to break our curse."

"Wasn't that just the apocalyptic moonlight?" Odolwa asked him.

"There are far too many egos in this room," Igos loudly said to himself. "Listen to me: light is the only thing that is capable of sealing Stone Tower and blocking off the darkness that flows from its mouth. As you know, my army was incapable of conquering it. That is why you will need an army of your own."

"More than all of us?" Link asked, shocked at the thought of there being a force greater than his assembled allies.

Morpha laughed loudly, exclaiming, "Fool, I alone am an army! I am Morpha, god of hydrogen monoxide and with any form of moisture on my side I can conquer what an army cannot!"

"You can ignore him," Tatl said dismissively. "He gets like that sometimes."

"And I shall. I will provide you with a soldier who has no heart, one who will not falter in the darkness you will face. Listen to this melody and remember it." He sang the Elegy of Emptiness.

Link pulled out his ocarina and played what he thought would match up to the hums. Nothing happened. "Can you translate that into notes?"

"I can!" the thin head piped in. "It goes right... left, right, down right up... right. In that rhythm. I was a musician before a royal bodyguard," he offhandedly explained to the group. "There was less of a chance of dying but having a freelance job back in those days didn't yield a good pay check."

"Thank you!" Link cheered. "No one's ever translated any songs for me before!"

"Since we aren't enemies anymore I'll accept the thanks. Hear that Skeletor? There are people out there who appreciate those six years of musical study."

"My name is not Skeletor!" the short head snapped. "I am Cranius!"

"Also," Igos du Ikana loudly continued, "I am going to escort you into Stone Tower. Cranius, Stoneson, I am leaving my castle in your hands until my return. May you keep it well during my prolonged absence."

"Yes my lord," the thin head said, bowing slightly. "I'll make sure that the Floormasters don't claw the paint off during your vacation."

It was at this point that Link finally played the Elegy of Emptiness with enough proficiency to activate its effects. "Cool," the Hylian said, awed at the almost exact Link replication that stood before him... well, kind of exact... it has the same clothes... "This song makes more of me!"

"Did you have to teach him that song?" Tatl dramatically sighed.

Navi looked over the hollow copy. "He's... rather eerily multiplying."

"You learned the Elegy of Emptiness! It's a mystical song that allows you to shed a shell shaped in your current image. You can leave one copy in each form, meaning up to four."

The king was curious of how Odolwa knew the details of his mystical song, but based on what he had seen from them all so far this would not be the weirdest he would witness. "Let us go to the heart of this curse."

"Okay." Link brought his ocarina to his mouth. "But first..." He played the Song of Time.

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

Upon the teleportation of Link, Tatl, Navi, Ganondorf, Odolwa, Goht, Gyorg, Igos du Ikana, Cranius, Stoneson, Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, Koume and Kotake the usual chaos ensued. People screamed, people ran, soldiers began to call for reinforcements, and so on.

King Dodongo staggered back, crashing into and almost breaking down the Clock Tower. "Whoa! Some warning before breaking the laws of reality would be nice!"

Ganondorf loudly cleared his throat, facing the three translucent blue heads. "The magical flute lets us travel through time. Now you know so don't bring it up."

"What? Travel through time?" Cranius repeated. Ganondorf blasted the head with a ball of magic.

"Since when could the ocarina do that?" Navi asked, surprised that the goddesses would allow Link of all people to obtain a mystical item with the ability to control time. "Why didn't that song do that last time? We always had to rely on a sword!"

"You see," Tatl said, "it's because shut the fuck up."

"Wait, a sword?" Odolwa repeated. "Is everything blessed with the power to warp time and space these days? Can nothing just be normal? I bet I'll someday learn my sword can shoot lasers and Gyorg can become a threat."

"I will fucking annihilate you."

Odolwa laughed loudly at this, throwing his head back in jolly chortles. This proved to leave him wide open to when the fish followed through on his words.

They dropped the two heads off at Ikana Castle, leaving with Igos for Stone Tower. "I'm kinda curious if they'll have to deal with another timeline's you guys," Tatl said. "I mean, Goht respawned, right?"

"I think they can handle it," Link said. "All they have to do is conquer themselves and they will succeed."

"I don't think you know how that figure of speech works but that's what makes you you."

It was on the trip to Stone Tower that the intelligent ones finally realized how unsubtle their party was. King Dodongo and Volvagia were loudly arguing; Koume and Kotake cackled with a reluctant Ganondorf; Odolwa, Goht and Gyorg were talking in the little group they had made; Bongo Bongo, Phantom and Gohma were in the sane corner of their crowd, discussing current matters and how to proceed; Barinade was randomly breaking into people's conversations to interject his thoughts; and Link was busy filling in Navi on what they had gone through with Tatl, Morpha and Igos watching.

He was currently explaining their trip through Woodfall Temple. "And then we blew off Odolwa's leg."

The fairy turned around, watching Odolwa walk perfectly. "Then why does he have two?"

"He got better. Okay, so after that we rescued the Deku Princess and brought her back to the castle. Then we found out that the monkey was behind it all along!"

"What monkey?"

"Oh, right. When we broke into the Deku Palace we found a monkey who told us to go into the temple."

"Maybe you should tell the story in chronological order," Tatl suggested. "You haven't even mentioned meeting Ganondorf."

"Oh, right. After leaving Clock Town for the first time we ran into Ganondorf. He threatened us, said he'd cut off my legs and all that stuff. But it's okay, we're friends now," Link quickly added, smiling obliviously.

In the back, Ganondorf was busy planning with his mothers... to an extent. "Can we stop planning in the middle of the open?" he hissed to them, seconds away from snapping and quieting their loudness with force.

"Don't be so paranoid," Kotake said. "They're all busy talking about what to have for dinner, isn't that right Koume?"

It didn't take much longer for them to reach the entrance to Stone Tower. The stone archway was designed to mimic a snarling face, the tongue serving as a ramp to its interior. "Like I said: the door is wide open," Morpha said.

"Thank you for your keen analysis," Tatl stated. She turned to Igos du Ikana. "Do we just walk in or is there some secret voodoo ritual we need to partake in?"

"No, the way is open for all passengers," the head said. "It is inside that you will see the challenges."

They walked inside. After a few seconds they stood at the starting point, a stone ledge jutting out into the tower. Below them lay a vast abyss with even more platforms descending into the darkness. Above was the same only this time blue replaced the black, the moon taking its place within the void. The middle of the tower was almost completely empty. The ledges were all separated by a large distance making conventional travel apparently impossible although Link managed to spot several convenient Hookshot targets. Many boulders fell from a series of holes scattered across the walls, dropping into oblivion.

"What in King Dodongo's gapping asshole is wrong with this place?" Ganondorf loudly questioned, his voice cracking midway through. "What retard said 'yeah, I like the idea of a tower but it needs to be impossible to traverse and full of falling rocks'?"

Gohma stopped his rant before it got out of hand. "Stop whining. This looks like the easiest temple so far to be honest. We fly or climb to the top, beat the big bad and then we're basically done."

"Temple?" Igos repeated. "No, the Temple of Stone Tower lies near where its mouth meets the sky. The terrible trials have not even begun."

Link stepped forward, turning to face the group. "Nothing will happen if we just stand here. Let's go up there, beat the last guy and heroically end this journey!"

"I'm all for ending this." Ganondorf flew into the air, looking down at them. "All flyers: fly. All climbs: climb. Everyone else: have fun."

-Half an hour later-

Link dove to the side, avoiding a falling boulder. "Having problems, kid?" Ganondorf laughed from high above.

"Yeah, kinda. Could you fly me up there?"

"I _could_, but how would I find any humour if I solved all your problems? What are you doing with that?"

The Hookshot sunk into his armour, pulling Link up to the Gerudo King. "Hi. Can we go up now?" Ganondorf uppercut him, sending him flying back down to a lower level.

Link was having a lot of trouble trying to get up Stone Tower but the one who struggled the most was Goht. "The physics of this place are physically hurting my motherboard," she said as she carefully crossed a bridge of floating blocks.

"You might as well jump," Gyorg piped in from Odolwa's shoulder. As much as he hated the guy he couldn't deny that the warrior was a good perch. "There's no point in moving on."

"I have not been programmed to respond to sarcasm with laughter. Even if I were you are too insufferable to find amusing."

"Do you really think your insults can hurt me?" Gyorg cackled, slapping Odolwa's shoulder in amusement. "My own mother could tell me I was an accident every day and I'd still be wondering what to eat for lunch."

Odolwa began to tickle the fish's chin like a cat. "That's because you already knew you were an accident," he cooed. He either doesn't learn or enjoys what he does far too much.

-An hour later-

Eventually, everyone was on one of the highest floors, standing opposite the entrance to the standard mouth-shaped temple entrance. "This is the limit of my knowledge," Igos announced. "Once you enter that temple I cannot do more than offer advice."

"I, BARINADE, just heard a ReDead!" Barinade began to look around frantically, searching for the hidden foe.

"I, MORPHA, don't hear anything," Morpha mocked.

"I, ODOLWA, only hear boulders."

"Do not mock the great BARINADE! None of your names have the ring that mine does. My name is godly and has a nice rhythm to it. I know there is a ReDead here and I intend to find it!" The anemone looked over the edge, trying to trace the source of his noise.

"How do you see _anything_?" All Gyorg could see was a shapeless mass hoisted by three tentacles, one of which was holding a hammer. In fact, he wasn't even sure how it could lean over a ledge without toppling over.

"The universe is a mysterious thing," Tatl said. "So, Blue-Kingy, how do we get over there?"

"You must press the switches in a certain order," Igos said. He floated to the square switches that sat around the owl statue. "Though seeing as most of you are capable of flight I suggest doing so as it will save you time."

"Too late," Ganondorf yelled from the other side of the chasm. Volvagia, Koume, Kotake, Phantom and Bongo Bongo were alongside him. "Enjoy the crossing!"


	36. The Almost Revenge

_I'm glad that I managed to cover I think every character at some point in this chapter. Certain ones have been given the short end of the stick lately._

_Published March 5, 2011 _

**The Almost Revenge**

"So the strategy guide says to press this one first," Navi said, gesturing toward one of the three switches before them.

"Strategy guide?" Gyorg repeated. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's a magical book that tells us how to proceed," Navi said, showing off a Majora's Mask strategy booklet. "It tells us how not to die."

A bolt of lightning blasted it from her hand, incinerating the guide instantly. "Your petty reliance on godly artefacts amuses me," Barinade laughed. "For I am the great BARINADE! I shall solve this puzzle with the speed of a lynx!"

Gohma sighed, unimpressed. "You're going to try to solve a puzzle? I'll get comfy, we're going to be here for a while."

"Do not mock the intellect of the great BARINADE! I shall have us all cross this place in a matter of seconds!"

"WEEEEEEE!" They turned to see Link riding on one of the switch activated blocks. He had activated the closest one and then jumped on it, transporting him to the other side. "Let's do it again! Someone press the button!"

Ganondorf amusedly picked the boy up by his collar, holding him high so the others could see his brainless grin. "See this? _This_ thought faster than you did! Enjoy knowing that for the rest of your lives."

-Stone Tower Temple-

They could tell at first glance that this temple was going to be annoying. Bombchus, dragonflies, sun switches, doors on the roof; it was screaming anger. "Is that supposed to be there?" Link asked, pointing at a door that sprung from the top of a wall.

"I've never been this far into Stone Tower," Igos du Ikana said, scanning the room. "I feel some kind of enchantment shrouding this temple. I wonder what its purpose is..."

"Purpose shlurpose, let's get going!" Morpha detonated the Bomb Mask sending him flying at a nearby door.

The next room was a step up in mind-fuckery. Numerous switches sat on both the floor and the ceiling for no apparent reason. Barinade reached up and pressed one with no results. "This location is beyond the understanding of BARINADE! A truly magnificent temple would be the insides of a fish."

"Done it," Gohma grunted.

"It must be done again!"

Phantom Ganon floated away from the rest of the group, going around a bend in the hall to see a large metal gate blocking their path. "It looks like we need to activate all of the switches to- You know what? I don't think any of you will try the logical solution here. Let's just use King Dodongo as a battering ram like I know you want to."

King Dodongo, who was having an intellectual discussion with Goht, looked over. "Huh?"

Seconds later, his face was smashed against the barred gate. "You call that a swing? My mother could throw me against things harder than that, and she's dead!" Bongo Bongo, Gohma and Ganondorf all glared at him. The latter blasted him with magic, sending him flying through the solid steel and crashing into the wall. "That... That's a bit better."

There were only two passages to take from the next room, one of which was locked. Despite the fact that all previous lock picking events proved futile Link was determined to try regardless of his failure. "I haven't tried with my Gilded Sword yet," he explained as he stuck the golden blade into the lock. He fiddled with it a bit, smiling loudly when he heard a click. "Success!"

Link pulled on the lock eagerly but it held strong against him. "No! I need to do it, just once!" He pulled harder, placing his foot on the door for leverage and pulling with all his might.

Behind him, Volvagia poked Gyorg to get his attention. "Does he know we can simply incinerate the lock?" he hissed.

"Trust me, you can't," King Dodongo interrupted. "If _I_ couldn't, there's no way you can. You're kind of a bitch like that."

"Stop talking, your breath is like a thousand burning puppies," Volvagia hissed. "Move out of the way Link. I'm going to destroy it right here and now!" Without waiting for him to obey his commands the dragon wacked the kid to the side, blasting the lock with a stream of white flames. When it died down he slithered to the lock, reaching out for it with his crooked claw. "Watch the fruits of my efforts."

The great serpent lightly tugged on the red hot lock. It didn't budge. "It is definitely a strong metal. Still, nothing a little brute force can't handle."

"While he's doing that, who wants to find the key?" Tatl asked. "Knowing how these places are designed to be navigated, let's check that other door."

Sure enough, they found a key... surrounded by Armos statues standing in a pool of lava. Tatl stared at it, asking aloud, "Who the hell decided that this was a good idea?"

They miraculously rescued the key, using it to unlock the door to Volvagia's ire. "I almost had it," he hissed.

"Of course you did," King Dodondo said patronizingly, scratching the back of his head like a dog. A tail swatted his claw away.

The next room was filled to the brim with water. Inside the water were chained mines like they had in the Gerudo Fortress, only these ones were much more tightly packed. It would be impossible for a larger member to navigate the maze. "So who thinks they can squeeze through those?" Tatl asked the group.

"I, BARINADE, have no skeletal system and thus can."

"Maybe they aren't even active," Phantom said. "Who knows how long they've been underwater for? They might have died a long time ago."

Slowly, a smile spread across Ganondorf's face. "There's only one way to find out." He casually kicked Link into the water, watching the mass detonations with content. "That answers that question."

Link floated, belly up, to the surface. "Suck it up!" the Gerudo King shouted.

"Here's the plan," Tatl said as Bongo Bongo fished out Link. "We'll send Morpha, the great Barinade, twiddle-wings and Link on a scouting mission. After all, if this is just a dead end with a key then we don't want to all go."

"Why am I always the 'do it now' guy?" the one eyed monster asked himself. "I can get maybe once or twice, but every single time?"

"I think they're taking advantage of your helpful nature," Koume said, flying to the giant monstrosity. "Kids these days are so rude to the nicest ones."

"I agree, Koume," Kotake added. "You may be a hideous abomination of nature but you're nice inside, and that's what counts!"

"Unless of course you're ugliness is a sin on nature itself, in which case you should have developed the powers of invisibility anyway so that isn't much of a problem, Kotake."

"That's right, Koume. Luckily you aren't like that Volvagia. That Bongo Bongo though, I'm glad he can go invisible." Bongo Bongo stared at the witches with his single, unblinking eye. "That's a look that'll scar your soul."

After some preparation, namely slapping Link conscious, the four chosen were sent through the underwater tunnel. They found themselves in an enormous room that followed the trend of being full of water. "Look, a switch!" Zora Link pressed the switch, spawning a treasure chest on the roof. They stared up at it.

-Back with the others-

"Come on, you know you can trust me," Gyorg said, smiling brightly at the rest of the group. This only succeeded in showing off his gargantuan fangs.

"You don't get to go in water anymore and that's final," Ganondorf snapped. "I remember what happened last time with no fondness."

"I was just playing around," Gyorg said, waving the comment off. "It was all light-hearted fun, now put me in the god damn water and I'll butcher you all!"

Odolwa bent over, petting the fish. "Where you went wrong was saying 'and' instead of 'or'. Oh well, better luck next time!"

"Better luck at what?"

Everyone jerked around, startled to see Link, Navi, Barinade and Morpha standing behind them. "How the hell did you get back there?" Ganondorf questioned.

"I kept going forward until I was backwards," Link responded.

"I'll just answer my own question by saying you found a way around. Follow the idiot people. Just make sure to follow the three second rule: stay three seconds behind him so you have time to stop and laugh if he gets hurt without being hurt yourself."

"We need a key," Morpha interrupted. "As strong as my power over hydrogen monoxide is, I cannot form water in the correct shape to open such locks. They are truly our greatest adversary."

Gyorg jabbed at him with his horn, saying, "We need to clear something up right now. I know you like water and if you could I don't doubt that you'd marry the ocean, but it's _di_hydrogen monoxide. The two means you need to add a prefix."

"The first prefix is optional!" Morpha snapped.

"Bull shit it is. I don't think that you can change the names of chemical compounds just because you feel like it."

"Who's the god of the seas here? Me? Yes, good job. That means I know all and you're just a fish out of water, flapping around pathetically and vainly attempting to sound threatening."

Gyorg swiped the wall with his horn leaving a two inch deep gash with no effort at all. "Did you see that? That will be how I give you a new orifice unless you shut the fuck up and drop the ego when I'm here. You annoy me."

"Oh no, the fishy's going to bite me. Whatever shall I do?"

"That's it, new fuckhole time!" Gyorg lunged forward, driving his horn at Morpha. The orb laughed jovially, detonating the Bomb Mask when he got close. Morpha's laughter immediately ceased when the explosion blasted Gyorg over the ledge and into the water beyond. Everyone stared for a moment.

Gyorg, at full size again, burst from the small pool. "I'm back, and you're all fucked! EVERYONE DIES!"

"How long has he been able to do that?" Volvagia hissed, frightened by the emergence of the gargantuan fish.

Tatl cracked her knuckles. "Looks like we've gotta do this the old fashion way. RUN AWAY!" She turned heel, yes, in mid air, and ran through the door. Everyone else quickly followed.

They followed Link through the previous rooms and back to the entrance. From there he took them through the other door. "May I question as to _why_ such a hostile and powerful force was accompanying us?" Igos asked them as they passed a mirror and an empty chest that Link had cleared.

"His suffering amused me," Odolwa explained, speaking as though it was an obvious answer. "I didn't think there'd be any water in this barren wasteland. This is all your fault! Why is there water here?"

"You have my earnest apologies," Igos said, bowing his head slightly. "I am sorry that the most abundance thing on the planet exists within my borders." Odolwa had no response.

"He doesn't seem to be following us," Navi said, looking over her shoulder just to make sure the fish wasn't there slasher villain style. When he wasn't, she added, "As long as we don't go back to the water we can leave him there and never return."

"One problem with that," Ganondorf said as Link led them into an enormous room which just happened to be full of water, the only safe path being a thin stone bridge across. "We have that in the way."

Tatl smacked the Gerudo King. "Don't be stupid. He isn't in _that_ water."

"I, BARINADE, shall crush your hopes. There's a connecting passage which he will most likely use to come into here."

"That thing was tiny," Morpha argued. "He's stuck back there."

The left wall exploded, the debris soaring across the room. A particularly large chunk of rock crashed into Odolwa's head, temporarily felling the warrior. Gyorg sped through the hole at a titanic pace, the water splitting with biblical speed. His mouth opened wide, ready to consume them all.

"One moment." Ganondorf grabbed the rock of Odolwa's bane and threw it down Gyorg's throat. He veered to the right, hacking and coughing loudly, until he crashed into the wall. "We should go."

They ran across the causeway toward the locked door at the other side. Ganondorf swiftly held out his hand to Link. "Key, quickly!" he snapped, not trusting luck to stop the kid from fumbling with it.

"I don't have one," Link hastily answered. "I thought you would!"

"How in the ninth level of hell would we get one? We stayed in the same place the whole time!"

"Oh yeah..." Link pulled out a compass, staring at the needle as it spun. "Aw man, it's in the last room, the one Gyorg was in."

"How... I don't care. Someone open this god damn door!" Bongo Bongo's hands were suddenly between them. "What are you-"

Everyone was shoved flat against the walls just as Gyorg jumped between them. The force tore through the wall like tissue paper, permitting access to the next room. Somehow, the locked door still stood.

Gyorg now sat in the middle of the thin hallway, daring them to come forward. "Only one way to go, and I'm right here!"

"This is just too easy," Ganondorf amusedly commented, grinning. "Roast him Odolwa."

"Negative." Goht walked up to him, showing Odolwa unconscious on her back. "A strike to the head incapacitated him. I predict that he will be out for at least two hours."

"No problem. Volvagia, roast him."

Volvagia slid past them all, letting loose a stream of fire from his maw. Gyorg stuck his horn forward, parting the flame and sending it around him.

"That's so typical of you," King Dodongo laughed, shoving him aside. "Watch and learn, bitch!" He inhaled deeply and then shot a ball of flames at Gyorg. His target spun on the spot, tail smacking it right back at him. The fire exploded in King Dodongo's face, hitting him through the air.

"I don't even know how fire works anymore," Tatl sighed. "Sounds like we need an expert in here. Bongo Bongo, you're up."

Bongo Bongo crunched his hands into fists and charged forward, eye set on his mark. He rammed Gyorg with enough force to send him crashing through the next wall and into the room beyond. What he didn't expect was for the floor to drop off, sending Gyorg into the lava pit below.

"NOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" Gyorg screamed as he flopped out of the lava, back to transportable size. "Fuck all of you, especially you!" Bongo Bongo picked him up by the tail, throwing him through the hole in the wall and at their feet. "That should have been so much more glorious."

"You gave Odolwa a concussion," Tatl said to him. "Let's give you a cookie and call it a day."

"You'll be second."

Seeing as Gyorg had just cleared two rooms ("So much lost," Igos whispered, mourning what of the ancient temple was irreparably destroyed) for them they figured that a lot of time had been saved. They were wrong.

"Please help!" Deku Link cried, begging for help. He was stuck on a random metal beam, his only escape being the searing lava below. His flower had run out of energy and he fell, conveniently landing in semi-safety.

"I'll go," Gohma grunted. She climbed the wall to the ceiling, crossing it in Link's direction.

Link waited, eagerly watching his approaching saviour. Then he heard a squeak of joy followed by a constant hissing. A Bombchu was running at him across the wall from the opposite direction. He fearfully remembered his last encounter with such a creature. "AH!" Link began to spit bubbles at it, hoping to slow its charge. "Get here quicker!"

Gohma paused. "Say please."

"Please!"

"Aw shit, I forgot that you're the type who _will_ say please." Gohma jumped forward, kicking the Bombchu off of the wall. It fell, exploding in the lava. "How about we actually help you so we can make faster progress?"

With some effort they passed the lava corridor, liberating another two fairies as they did so. "How many are we at?" Tatl droned as she watched Kotake shove one into her brown bag.

"I don't know," Kotake said as she looked into the bag. "We never turned in the Great Bay fairies and they're mingling together. Hey, you two, cut that out! We won't have any horseplay in my sack!"

"And that ends that conversation." Ganondorf opened the door into the next room.

The room was large and square, the only defining feature being a circular hole taking up most of the roof. "Send forward your greatest warrior," a voice boomed from above.

Ganondorf and Odolwa stared at each other, a single thought running through both of their minds. "I think a fight for supremacy is long overdue," Odolwa announced, drawing his sword.

Ganondorf snickered, eying the warrior. "Do you really think you'll stand up against the King of Thieves? I'm fucking Ganondorf, the eventual ruler of the world!" He dramatically pulled out his own blade, crossing it with Odolwa's own.

"Strong words, little man," Odolwa gruffly growled. "I remember something like this happening once before and I think I decimated you."

"Stop acting tough five-nipples. Even the kid can beat you. I'm pretty damn confident that-"

Gohma grabbed them by the heads and slammed their skulls together, immediately downing both. She stepped forward, saying, "I think that solves that."

A ring of fire rose behind Gohma, blocking her off from the others. A blue robed figure dropped from the hole: the Garo Master. He pulled out two flaming swords from his clothes, somehow not catching fire. "Let us begin."

As Gohma and the Garo Master fought Link tried to understand the concept of fire. "So... it's a gas."

"Yup," Tatl answered.

"Like air."

"That's correct," Navi told him.

"But if I touch it I'll get hurt and go flying backwards."

"Affirmative," Goht confirmed. "This is caused by an imbalanced reaction between-"

Gohma slammed the Garo Master against the fiery wall just in front of them, holding him there despite the forces trying to push them away. "Don't spill the secret," she grunted. The Garo Master sliced at her wrist forcing the arachnid to drop him. He then disappeared from sight.

Their enemy appeared behind Gohma. "Behind you!" Link shouted. The spider-scorpion turned but he was already gone.

"Above you!" Gohma rolled to the side, avoiding the Garo Master's drop. She swung around with her tail only to find that he was no longer there.

"In front of you!"

Gohma punched the Garo Master in the face. "That wasn't very smart of you, was it?"

The Garo Master immediately retaliated, lunging at Gohma with enough force to knock her back several metres. This just happened to be enough to hit the wall of fire. The explosive reaction sent Gohma flying back at the Garo Master, crashing on top of him and crushing the ninja ghost between the one tonne scorpion and the stone floor. She sat like that for a second, letting him suffer before rolling off.

The flames died down. "Well done," the Garo Master coughed, struggling to stand. He eventually did so, supporting himself with his sword. "Though I died long ago I had yet to be bested in combat. You are strong."

"Yeah, I know."

He looked at Igos du Ikana's floating head. "You are the king of Ikana Castle, are you not?"

"Aye. I am Igos du Ikana. You are the leader of the Garo forces," he stated.

"Yes. Though I invaded your land and killed your people I hold no ill will toward you. I am just glad that someone managed to escape from the plague of this tower."

"We of Ikana are stronger than a curse."

"I call bullshit," Gyorg piped in. "I remember having sword boy over here kick your cursed ass." Igos glared at the fish.

The Garo Master chuckled lightly. "Trying to put up a tough facade on your enemies I see. That's to be expected. You Ikanans were always the macho type. I trust you remember when you covered the lands with posters of Captain Keeta sweaty, covered in blood and flexing to boost morale. Your casualties were up by three hundred percent that day, correct?"

Igos was indignant, his boney gaze almost snarling. "Don't try to take the high horse, Garo. I distinctly remember a battle where we had intercepted a shipment of robes and replaced them with identical but slightly longer versions. Your men were tripping over themselves for three battles straight before you found the problem."

"So proud of that single victory?" the Garo Master harshly questioned, his tone growing spiteful. "I'm recalling a fight-"

"As wonderful as it is that neither of you have been affected by Alzheimer's after all these years," Tatl loudly announced, "we're on a bit of a timer and should get going."

"Of course." The Garo Master held out his hand, summoning up a gold rimmed chest. "Inside this you will find an arrow that can pierce darkness and in turn break the curse of this land. Cast its light upon the red gem that rests outside this very temple so you may climb into the depths of the earth. With that, it is time for me to go."

"Will we ever see you again?" Link dramatically asked, apparently very emotional over this moment despite his lack of interaction with the Garo.

"I doubt of it. But now, I shall die without leaving a corpse." He pulled out a bomb, its fuse almost completely gone. "For that is the way of us Garo."

-Moments later-

They all continued out of the room, singed and annoyed. Odolwa and Ganondorf lay unconscious on Goht's back, the former muttering something about Link's new light arrows. "He did not need a bomb that strong," Tatl snapped. "My hair's all charred now."

Without warning the statue at the end of the thin hall they stood in came to life, opening its single Gohma-styled eye. It began to robotically walk forward.

"What is this new beast?" Volvagia hissed, watching it with curiosity.

"An Eygore," Navi quickly said, cutting off Tatl just as she opened her mouth. "Its only weakness it its eye. Hit the eye just before it attacks to hurt it."

"That sounds easy," Link said. "We could do that to Gohma after all and this guy doesn't look as strong as Gohma."

"Damn straight."

Tatl floated over to the boss in question. "Speaking of which, how _did_ you beat Gohma? I mean, she's proven on several occasions that she could probably break you like a Deku stick. You fought her right off the bat too."

"Let's not talk about it," Gohma grunted, not looking the fairy in the eye. "It was a dark day."

"Probably fell on her back and started flailing around like a turtle," Morpha commented cynically, laughing at the mental image. Gohma's eyelid twitched. "Wait, was that actually what happened?"

"I swear, if you-"

Morpha, King Dodongo, Barinade, Volvagia, Koume, Kotake, Tatl and Gyorg all broke into laughter, several of them falling to the floor in hysterics. Even Navi and Igos let out a chuckle. Morpha was the first to regain his voice, shouting in mockery, "Help, help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" This only spurred more laughter.

Gohma growled, her claws digging into the stone floor. "This is coming from the boss even Link was laughing at! Yeah, that's right, you see that idiot over there who once picked his nose with his own sword? _He_ thought you were a joke."

Link nervously glanced at the approaching Eyegore. "Idiot who picked his nose is saying that it's getting closer."

"Don't try to change the focus Queen Turtle," Morpha amusedly said through his laughs. "I think it's time for you to take a laugh for the team."

The Eyegore fired a powerful laser from its eye, covering them all with a new coat of burnt flesh. "Will someone kill that already?" Gohma snapped, glaring at the monster. It blinked in response.


	37. Up, Down, Left and Right

_This was supposed to come out days ago but this site wouldn't let me edit any of my stories, kept coming up with an error. Fun._

_Not much left now, just a bit more in Ikana, four more masks, a few side quests, the confrontation, endgame... Okay, there's still a bit left._

_Published March 31, 2011 _

**Up is Down, Down is Up, Right and Left are Still Right and Left Respectively**

With just a flash of light and some magical feathers the group was once again staring at the giant face serving as the temple's entrance.

"What'd I miss?" Odolwa groaned as he came back to the conscious world.

"You missed me threaten to drop Morpha down this tower if he ever opens his mouth again," Gohma said, one of her pincers tapping rhythmically against Morpha's surface.

"Well played," Morpha said. "I concede the point to you."

"By the way, my recent loss of brain cells reminded me that I completely forgot!" Odolwa turned to Bongo Bongo, providing him a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Congratulations on overcoming your fear of fish and kicking Gyorg's tiny ass. I know it must have been hard for you but we're all proud."

Bongo Bongo narrowed his eye. "I am not afraid of fish."

"Of course you aren't. Whatever you say." He winked although the mask on his face made this a pointless gesture. By now they were afraid to even ask him to remove it, knowing that whatever was underneath would be an enormous disappointment.

"I'm serious. I'm not afraid, I'm allergic." He held up his knuckles showing off a fine swelling.

"Oh. Well that sucks. Does this mean I can have power over you if I wag him at you?"

"You do and I crush your skull."

"Duly noted."

"Hey guys, I found it!" Link caught their attention by pointing at a large red gem that glistened brightly in the torchlight, decorating the wall. To the unknowing passerby it would seem to be simply aesthetic, but the enlightened mind knew what had to be done. Link took aim with his new light arrows and let loose. "AH!"

The light arrow's blowback was evidently too powerful for Link's small, unprepared arms. It shot off in a random direction, deflecting off a wall and hitting Ganondorf in the back where it exploded in a shower of radiance, bringing the evil king to his knees. "You fucker!" he roared.

"Sorry," Link meekly murmured.

He braced himself and shot another enchanted arrow. It soared through the air, missing the gem and wedging itself in a passing Fire Keese that had been minding its own business. This Keese was the breadwinner of its family of forty, hunting to feed its many brothers and sisters. In Termina, most creatures were much larger than a Keese making hunting a dangerous occupation for one so small. Regardless of the hazard, this bat was determined to do what it could to keep its kin alive.

And now it's dead. Moving on...

For the first time in Link's life, the third time was the charm. The arrow seemed to disappear on contact with the gem's core, producing a mesmerizing shine. A wave of power erupted from the device and the world began to distort, the tower seeming to shake under their feet. Vertigo hit them all, staggering even the most powerful members of their group of misfits. When the sensation died down all their blood rushed to their heads and they started falling upwards.

Phantom Ganon, Bongo Bongo and the fairies managed to catch themselves, but not everyone else was as lucky. Koume and Kotake both tried to take flight but crashed into each other, falling to a platform above them and landing harshly. "What a surprise, you got us hurt again," Koume snapped as she lay prone against the stone.

"Don't be so conceited. _You_ ran into _me_ and you know it, you just can't ever take the blame for anything!"

"Don't try to turn this around on me! You never wear your glasses and it makes you such a hazard when flying. The reason I always let you go first is so you don't crash into me!"

"I don't need those mangy things. I can see perfectly well!"

"You're almost four hundred years old Kotake. I'm surprised that you aren't already blind seeing as we live in a desert with sand flying all over the place."

Meanwhile, Link was hanging on a ledge from his hookshot with previously unknown grip strength. Odolwa was clinging onto his leg and Gyorg was latched into Odolwa's other hand. "Buddy," Odolwa grunted out, ignoring the blood running down his other wrist, "whatever you do, do _not_ look down... er, up."

His idle curiosity took over, driving Link disobey. The moon stared up at him from its place within the sky. "AH!"

"What'd I tell you? Could you pull us up now? My shoulders are splitting."

Gohma grabbed the chain of the hookshot and pulled it up, saving them from the never ending fall. Gyorg released Odolwa's hand, shouting, "New plan: NEVER mess with mystical fucking devices EVER AGAIN!"

Odolwa began to stroke his chin in thought. "Mystical fucking devices, eh? Well Goht, I think... Goht? Yoo-hoo, you there Goht?"

"Don't see her," Ganondorf said after a quick glance around the area. "Looks like we lost one during the flip. How terrible."

Odolwa skidded to the edge of the platform, dropping to his knees. "NOOOOO! Not Goht! She was so young, take me instead, let bygones be bygones, I loved her, alas poor Yorick, yadda yadda, and I'm out of clichés. Best not wallow in our grief everyone, let's go."

"You are an imbecile." Goht stood above them, hidden in the mouth of the temple.

-Night of the First Day, Stone Tower Temple-

From the first steps into the inverted temple, everyone could tell things would be different. They were now on a series of thin bridges which had looked like decoration when the structure was right side up. Caged off to the side was an enormous stone construct, hovering at least a metre off the ground and standing head to base three times that. "That's a Death Armos," Tatl said. "You'd best just stay clear of them."

"I got a fairy!" Kotake exclaimed from a nearby treasure chest.

"I swear, you better not say that every single- WHAT DID I _JUST_ SAY?"

Odolwa stuck Phantom Ganon's sceptre through the cage and poked the Death Armos. "Not so mighty now, are you?"

"If you lose that I will annihilate you," Phantom whispered into his ear, his voice in complete blank.

"Oh relax, I-" The Death Armos latched onto the staff, almost pulling it from Odolwa's grip. He quickly held it with both hands, using all of his strength to keep it in his possession. "Don't worry, I won't-"

He was once again interrupted when the Death Armos let go. Odolwa shot backwards, landing painfully on his tailbone.

Tatl leaned over to Navi. "That guy was our team leader for a few days."

The only available door led to the second room Gyorg had attacked them in, the one that was filled with water. "It's gone!" Morpha cried. "All that magnificent water is gone!"

True to his observations, the room was now empty of water... and upside-down. Above them were four platforms; one had a switch, another a chest surrounded by flames, a third a locked door and the last was a walkway containing a Hiploop bug and a door. "Someone needs to stand on the switch to turn off the flames," Phantom said. "The chest will likely have a key to open the locked door. Well, that or we can try picking the lock again, though I'm not sure if your egos can handle it."

Ganondorf stepped forward, dramatically turning to face them all. "I think we should do what he says," he shouted. "Give the guy a break. He comes up with all these great plans but we shit all over them with some ridiculous strategy. Let's do it for once!"

Bongo Bongo floated up, putting one hand on the switch and sending his other to open the chest. He reached inside and pulled out a fairy.

"Oh, what a surprise, the plan sucked ass," Ganondorf nonchalantly reported. "Looks like Phantom here isn't allowed to say anything ever again. Too bad."

Tatl narrowed her eyes at the Gerudo. "You knew that, didn't you?"

"It's possible that I sensed a life form identical to one of those fairy things in there."

The Hiploop was easily dispatched by Goht and they continued through the passage, searching for a key. On the way down the stone corridor Link stepped on a switch, triggering a treasure chest on the previous walkway. Odolwa backtracked to it, discovering a key. "That was easy."

"We'll go through that door in a minute," Link said. "I want to see what's at the end of this."

He walked further, stopping at the ledge at the end. "All I see is sky." A hand grabbed him from below, pulling him over the edge. The many monsters of the group could see it flailing him around for a few seconds before it harshly threw him back at them. "Let's not go that way."

-Through the unlocked door-

Ganondorf let out a sigh, scratching his head as he looked at the ceiling. "Now I'm not physicist... but I can safely say that what we are looking at is not possible, magic be damned. There is not a single thing holding that up there, and I feel no spells in the area. So can anyone else explain what the hell we are seeing?"

"I think it is a glorious sight," Volvagia hissed, catching one of the drops on his tongue. "It's clean."

"You and Kingy might be able to do that, but I don't think the rest of us are that lucky," Gohma said. "So someone fix it or I'm just gonna sit here for the rest of the temple."

A pool of lava sat on the roof, dripping almost constantly and preventing anyone from crossing without harm.

"You're all a bunch of pansies," King Dodongo scoffed. "I had my entire office in a pool of lava for a while! I moved to rock because my desk and papers kept catching fire. In retrospect I should have seen it coming but who gives a damn? I was standing in _lava_, no one dared to correct me on anything!"

"And we can see what an outstanding life form you have become," Volvagia hissed, rolling his eyes.

A light arrow blasted between them, striking a gem identical to the one outside. The room flipped, throwing everyone to the ceiling/floor.

"It worked!" Link exclaimed from atop King Dodongo's limp form. It goes without saying that he was beaten severely for not alerting his cohorts.

The lava pool just happened to have some platforms that they could cross from this side. They did so and Link flipped the room again, sending them back to the inverted floor. "This is going to make me sick," King Dodongo groaned.

"It's fine up here," Ganondorf said as he sat cross legged in the air.

"I, BARINADE, do not get ill from such insignificant issues like you inferior creatures!" Barinade dropped from the roof, landing on top of King Dodongo.

"AH! Stop doing that..."

"I am displeased by the whining which I have been subjected to over this recent period of time," Barinade continued. "We must continue on our valiant quest so that I may reacquaint myself with Goronian Ale within the week. It has been far too long since I have gotten drunk and NONE OF YOU WILL KEEP BARINADE FROM HIS GOAL FOR ANY LONGER!"

"Gorons sure do know how to make their liquor," Ganondorf agreed, nodding contently.

After two rooms and numerous temple flipping they came upon the chamber where they had obtained their first key, the one with the Armos statues and lava. Once again, lava was latched onto the ceiling and dripping periodically but the inversion wasn't the only change – a large amount of WIzzrobe pads were scattered across the floor.

Ganondorf counted down. "Three... two... one..."

On cue, the Wizzrobe rose from a faraway pad and began to dance. "What is this creature?" Volvagia hissed, observing their enemy was discontent. "It looks like something grabbed its chin and forehead and pulled in opposite directions."

"A Wizzrobe, a fire manipulator," Igos du Ikana announced, his floating head making his presence known. "I had one as a servant in my castle, though from what you've told me you did not encounter it."

"I thought they shot ice," Link stated, scratching his head.

"I know for a fact that they shoot ice," Tatl said, crossing her arms defiantly. "We encountered not one but _two_ in Snowhead."

"Just because those who live on top of a _mountain_ study magic pertaining to _ice_ does not mean that the ones living in a hot, dry wasteland will have the same field of expertise," Igos retorted.

"Well we don't really see that many monsters of varying types..."

"Who has a fire shooting Wizzrobe in employment?" He received no answer. "Indeed."

An inferno exploded around them. "Will someone kill that thing?" Ganondorf snapped.

"I, BARINADE, have not had a crowning moment of awesome as of late. You may leave the death of this abomination to me!"

He walked forward, the Megaton Hammer obtained from the last story's Fire Temple held high above his... head. The Wizzrobe rose from a panel in the distance, shooting fire at him.

"I AM BARINADE!" With a mighty roar he struck the ball of fire. It exploded in his face, burning the anemone. "That was anticlimactic."

"Quit embarrassing the water bosses!" Morpha yelled from the sidelines.

Gyorg's yells weren't as encouraging. "Oh, look at that, you got hurt. It would be a _shame_ if you died, putting your team one man down for the next fight. That might have the _unfortunate_ side effect of killing them all and letting the creator win."

Barinade scoffed loudly. "Your mockery does nothing! Behold my enormous power!"

The Wizzrobe showed itself again, twirling its staff. Barinade quickly blasted it to bits with lightning. "Oh electricity, how I love thee and the pain you cause. It makes me feel all tingly inside... and smell bacon."

"I think that's the electrical currents frying your brain," Navi muttered.

"SILENCE!"

With the WIzzrobe thoroughly defeated the assembly of freak shows continued, following a staircase back to the main floor. From there they immediately turned, finding a hallway full of Blue Bubbles. Link immediately changed from the front of the group to the back. "I don't like these guys. They touch me and then my sword gets all sticky and I can't take it out anymore."

Navi openly facepalmed at this while the others either snickered or broke into hysterical laughter. "Either rephrase that immediately or don't talk anymore."

"I find your lack of knowledge amusing," Goht stated, being the only one aside from Navi who wasn't laughing. "Were I equipped with some sort of laughing mechanism I would do so, but when Gyorg stabbed me it was broken and the incompetent twit known as Odolwa didn't see fit to replace it."

Odolwa grasped his chest dramatically. "Your words stab my heart."

"I wish her words were swords," Gyorg snapped.

"I think someone needs to be set on fire."

The Bubbles were dispatched with ease, allowing them to proceed into the next room. "Well, mini-boss time," Gohma said upon seeing the room's design. "Who gets to fight today?"

The room went dark. Hundreds of Keese descended from above, circling in the centre, getting gradually closer to each other until they formed an opaque cocoon. Without warning they burst outward, revealing a floating, cloaked figure with enormous yellow eyes and claws that could tear your face in half. It summoned a massive scythe from mid air, the blade alone being as large as Odolwa's sword. Gomess struck the ground, leaving a clear cut where his weapon hit.

Tatl clapped her hands together, smiling brightly. "So, who wants to fight?"

"I shall kill this one," Goht said, stepping forward to meet it.

Apparently satisfied by the challenger, Gomess set his swarm of bats after Goht. She began to run, trying to gain speed, but found that the hundreds of bats were successfully slowing her down. To remedy this problem she began to blast them with electricity and swing her horns around while running.

Gomess met her, using his scythe to lock horns. The two struggled until Gomess broke away, striking and leaving a vicious cut down her back.

"Several wires have been severed," Goht reported. "Due to lack of electrical current, driver D is now out of operation. I do not know what exactly it did but it was likely useful."

"Kill that thing already!" Odolwa yelled from the sidelines.

"Either that driver was my tolerance or you are just very annoying."

Goht dodged Gomess' next attack and rammed her horns against it, only for the bats to take the blow instead. "This will be as irritating as Odolwa."

"Hey! I am so much more irritating than that guy and you know it! Want me to prove it?"

"That is unnecessary."

Gomess spun his scythe, pushing Goht back. "It would be appreciated if someone got rid of all these bats."

"I got it!" Link shot a fire arrow at the bat engulfed figure. It exploded, killing a large amount of bats on Gomess' front. This allowed Goht to get an actual hit on the monster's body, striking its glowing core with a bolt of lightning. Gomess hissed, spreading the remaining bats to cover its weak point.

"We just need to do that a lot," Tatl said, shrugging nonchalantly. "Fire solves all problems."

Link strung back another fire arrow and let it loose, the blazing wood streaking through the air. Gomess deflected it easily this time, its eyes narrowing at him. It silently glided at him, weapon raised high.

Goht trudged over to a corner, plopping on the stone. "It is your turn. I am going to step down momentarily."

A single bead of sweat swerved down Link's face as Gomess closed in, his curtain of bats ominously surrounding the shadow. It should be obvious that Link screamed and hurled his sword in Gomess' general direction. The thin blade slipped between the many bats and impaled the glowing crystal, shattering it. Gomess fell face first onto the ground, dissolving into dust with its minions.

Ganondorf cracked his digits, grinning slyly. "It looks like-"

"BOOM, one hit KO!" Odolwa shouted, pumping his fist into the air. Thanks to the Gerudo King's glare and fist he ended up face first on the ground.

-Several rooms later-

Link poked his head around the corner, scanning the mazelike hallways within view. All that awaited his gaze was a barren corridor of dust and stone. "I don't see anything," he reported before floating statue came into view. "Wait, there's one of those Death Armies."

"Death Armos," Tatl corrected. "Do not fuck with these guys or they will bend you over where you stand and fuck you with their murder-dick."

"That was beautiful," Ganondorf grunted, rolling his eyes. "You, Phantom test their strength."

"Déjà vu," Phantom muttered before approaching the Death Armos, his weapon at the ready. The Death Armos easily spotted him and brought up its weapon, its sword easily dwarfing Phantom's sceptre. "I'm beginning to think this was a bad-"

The Death Armos smashed him into the wall. He quickly attempted to parry its next attack, succeeding but almost losing his weapon due to the sheer power behind the attack. The Death Armos attacked again but he moved, flying down the hall at top speed. It didn't cease its assault, swiftly chasing after him despite its enormous proportions. The two disappeared around a corner.

"Allow me to reiterate myself: It is _named_ DEATH. These things will kill you if you don't kill them, and they are lifeless beings to begin with."

Ganondorf laughed, ignoring both Tatl and the lack of their doppelganger comrade. "To hell with that, I'm the King of Evil! No one's ever killed these assholes because no one's ever had the kind of power I have. Watch and learn. DEATH ARMOS, COME AND FACE ME!"

Absolutely nothing happened. "They're statues you twit," Gohma said. "They don't have ears."

"Then we _find_ one."

"Tell me," Gyorg called out to Volvagia as they followed the Gerudo, "do they always go around looking to die?"

"It happens. At this point I just watch and taste the suffering as they get hurt. It satisfies me."

"Knowing this, I should think my job would be easier. But after watching some of the bullshit they manage to weasel out of, I doubt my chances of success."

At this moment a Death Armos rounded the corner, floating soundlessly. It didn't hesitate upon seeing the size of its opponents, it attacked immediately.

Ganondorf held out his palm, gathering dark energy as it came. "Bye bye." He blasted the magical construct into a wall. The Death Armos quickly recovered from the attack, rushing him before he could strike again. He dodged the initial stab and began to attack it viciously.

"Go Ganondorf! You can do it!" Link cheered enthusiastically. He cringed when the Death Armos shook off Ganondorf's attacks and punched the man in the jaw with its shield. "On second thought, we should help."

"NO! I will do this!" Ganondorf grabbed the statue's head and, with unprecedented force, drove it into the stone wall with his bare hand. The Death Armos began to spin, throwing him off and allowing it to recover, still unharmed.

"Ganny-boy, you should know that the cocky 'I'll do it alone' attitude always gets the anti-hero killed," Odolwa said, wagging his finger at the combat locked Gerudo. Ganondorf would have glared at him if that didn't require taking his eyes off of the Death Armos. He settled with flipping him off.

A flash of light sped past him and hit the red marking on the Death Armos' chest. For some reason this made the Death Armos flip upside-down. It tried to ram Ganondorf but, due to its sharp head, it became stuck in the floor when he dodged. The mighty foe began to struggle pathetically, wiggling back and forth in its prison. Ganondorf stared at it, his shoulders drooping at the thought of this thing almost overpowering him.

"Now I get it!" Navi exclaimed, snapping her fingers. "That marking on its chest looked just like the gem outside, so obviously shooting it with a light arrow would invert it as well."

"How the fuckity fuck is that obvious?" Gyorg shouted. "So are you saying that if I draw a light switch in my mouth you'll press it in the hope that I'll turn into a light bulb?"


	38. A Battle of Epic Proportions

_Well that was a longer gap between chapters than I'm comfortable with. I was so distracted by basically everything that I wrote this in about eight sessions. On the plus side, I've developed quite the team in Pokemon White and even caught the badass known as Thundurus. He's all "Yeah, my lower body's a cloud. So what?"_

_Okay, I'm getting off topic. Here's a Twinmold battle._

_Published April 25, 2011 _

**A Battle of Epic Proportions**

Tatl frowned. "So how did we kill this thing last time?"

The Eyegore slowly approached the group. With each step the causeway shook and cracked under its enormous weight.

"We didn't. We hit it over and ran," Navi told her. "In fact, I think this is the same one. It doesn't look very happy."

"An excellent idea!" King Dodongo proclaimed, stepping forward eagerly. "Let's push over this pushover!"

An awkward silence followed his comment. Gohma dug her pincer into his shoulder, relishing in the crack of bones. "Your speaking privileges are hereby revoked. Hideous Harold, take care of it again."

A single yellow eye glared at her, malice and violent urges overflowing from its depths. "You know what? I don't think I will. You can solve this one on your own."

"But Bongo Bongo, your powers of ugly are the only thing that can save us!" Link declared, desperation written all over his expression.

But Bongo Bongo wasn't budging. "I stand by what I said. Argue any further and I'll make your skin into my new drum."

"Let the little bitch whine for a bit." Ganondorf waved off his complaints uncaringly. "We can take care of something that doesn't even have any depth perception on our own."

An idea wormed its way into Bongo Bongo's head; if he had lips he would smirk. Alas, that was a far off dream. "Whatever you say, Ganny-dorf."

"Don't call me that."

Ganondorf deflected the Eyegore's laser beam and charged it, his fist ready. The Eyegore tried to physically attack him but he was too fast, dodging its punch and countering with his own magically fuelled one. He hit the monster square in the centre of mass, staggering it. However, the attack left little lasting damage.

"Giant glowing eye!" Tatl shouted, waving her arms desperately. "Bull's eye! Obvious target! Fuck-me-here point!" To demonstrate she punched Gohma right in the eye. The mighty arachnid dropped in an undignified heap, her eye rolling and tail twitching.

"Fine, fine."

As the Eyegore's eye glowed red, Ganondorf blasted it. The Eyegore reeled back, flailing its limbs wildly and closing its eye in pain. The moment it opened its lids he hit it again. Evidently this was all it could take as the behemoth fell to the ground, exploding violently. The King of the Gerudo did not take kindly to having his foe detonate in his face.

It was Link who noticed the treasure chest that spawned upon the Eyegore's defeat. He investigated its contents, finding strangely shaped mask inside. "Hey, look at th-"

"You found the Giant's Mask!" Odolwa shouted with joy. "Within this mask lies the might of a giant, but can you use its power anywhere? Nope!"

Link placed the mask upon his face. Nothing happened. "Aw…"

"Where _can_ we use it?" Ganondorf questioned. He snatched the mask from Link's body and began to inspect it closely.

Odolwa shrugged. "Not anywhere."

His interest waning, Ganondorf tossed the mask back to Link. "Whatever. Just hold onto it until we figure something out, okay kid?"

They ventured onward. What greeted them was an ornate door, the lock holding it shut decorated with golden horns. Link slipped the boss key they had taken from Gomess into this last barrier, opening the final room of the final templw. With that, they were back in the room where they had fought the Garo Master. The hole was on the ground now, as expected, but inside was a slowly descending whirlpool of sand. Below the sand was the blue of the sky, giving it a semitransparent appearance. "Do we go down there?"

Tatl glared at Ganondorf before he had done anything. "No testing with Link!"

"You know me too well. You'll suffer like the rest."

"What was that last part?"

"You'll suffer like the rest," Ganondorf answered as casually as if he was being asked about his favourite colour.

"That's enough of that," Navi said, flying between the two. "You can kill each other _after _we finish this."

A fishy chuckle drew attention to Gyorg. "I think it would be less painful if you all just killed each other now. You don't stand a chance against Twinmold."

"Aw, the fishy thinks he's threatening."

Gyorg latched onto Odolwa's ankle, sinking his teeth into the tasty flesh. He screamed out, hopping around on his free leg and waving the other wildly. During his struggle he hopped a bit too close to the hole and, after a tragic stumble, fell inside. To everyone else's surprise, he disappeared as he went through the sand veil, not appearing on the other side.

"That's different," Gohma grunted, glancing down the hole. "Hey Odolwa, you okay?"

"HOLY FUCKING GOD I'M GOING TO DIE!" Odolwa's scream rang up from the hole, echoing around the small room.

"Let's go!" Link hopped into the hole, disappearing just like his comrade.

-Somewhere-

Link found himself standing atop a stone slab, stationed in the middle of an enormous desert. Odolwa was at his side, staring at the desert with obvious horror. In contrast, Gyorg grinned viciously. "You are all going to die."

The others appeared around him, all caught off guard by the environmental change. "I think I like it here," Ganondorf commented, nodding happily.

The ground exploded in the distance.

**Twinmold  
**_Giant Masked Insect  
_Likes: Silence  
Dislikes: Classical music  
Distinguishing Characteristic: Cannot blink all eyes at once

The blue, segmented worm was every variation of the word 'enormous' that existed. It was as wide around as the Clock Tower and seemed to be a hundred times longer. Three gigantic eyes laid on its face in a triangular pattern, resting just above two colossal mandibles that King Dodongo could comfortably lie on. The party was silent aside from a pitiful squeak that fought its way from Ganondorf.

Gyorg was literally jumping in joy. "Just wait! It gets so much better."

To add to the overwhelming horror, a red worm rose up from the opposite side of the desert, joining its kinsman in the air. It was identical in size and might.

"We are Twinmold," two deep voices blasted simultaneously. "We exist to guard what cannot be obtained. If you wish to get what cannot be taken, you must strike us down."

"I'm going to be completely honest," King Dodongo muttered, unable to take his eyes away from the monstrosity of biblical proportions. "If I had drunk _anything_ in the last few weeks, I'd have just pissed it all over you guys. I just settled with farting."

Gohma scoffed, smacking him harshly. "Fart jokes, real classy."

"HEY!" Gyorg began to flop wildly in a strange attempt to catch Twinmold's attention. "Twinmold! Can you get to killing all these guys so we can get out of here?"

"All opposition will be crushed." The worms descended, burrowing back under the sand.

"HEY! I'm on your side you fuck-holes! I'm motherfucking Gyorg, you know me! Come on!"

Odolwa leaned over, giving the fish a comforting pat. "There there, if it's any consolation you get to die with us! Yaaaaay!" As could be predicted, Gyorg bit him.

"Enough dicking around!" Tatl snapped. She floated to the front, placing her hands on her hips dramatically. "We need to bring these Moldorm clones down fast or they're going to murder us like a bunch of prostitutes in Whitechapel."

Navi blinked a few times. "That was really dark."

"Hey, if I'm gonna die then I'm gonna say whatever I've always wanted to say. Personally, I've wanted to go into dark humour for a while. Did anybody die recently who I can make fun of?"

Navi shoved her aside, taking the fairy's place at the front of the group. "What we need to do is kill those two worms before they crush us. I didn't see any forms of ranged attacking on them so we can assume that all they can do is hit us, though I take it that you understand that something that big could probably crush you-"

"Like a baby under a rolling Goron," Tatl piped in.

"...Close enough. What I'm saying-"

The sandstorm was intensified when the blue worm rose, flinging tonnes of sand into the air. It twisted in mid air and set a course directly at them. "DODGE!" Link shouted. He took off into the desert, running as quickly as physically possible.

"Stay together!" Navi shouted, watching him disappear into the storm. "Shit."

Everyone ran to the side, desperately sprinting to escape from Twinmold's bull rush... everyone except one.

"Foolish cretins, you all run in fear while I, BARINADE, stay and fight like a true warrior!" Barinade stood firm, his hammer held high as the triad of eyes rapidly closed in. "Do not hold back else you will fall without a struggle!"

The worm collided with him, and for a moment no one could tell what had happened. A large amount of sand and stone were blasted into the air, and Twinmold's size almost obscured Barinade completely. The result of the clash was soon evident. Barinade was latched onto Twinmold's head, just above his right eye, and was striking the worm repeatedly in its optical organ.

"Aha! You did not anticipate such a brilliant strategy, and that is your folly!"

"Shut up and keep hitting it!" Tatl shrieked, shelving her desire to beat him with his own hammer.

"A powerful dialect is required to claim supremacy over your foe. Do not be jealous that the great BARINADE has mastered this concept!"

Meanwhile, Link found himself to be lost in the endless wasteland. He could hear the others screaming about something in the distance, but was too disoriented to track them. "Hello? Guys?"

"I am here."

He jumped at the sound of Goht's voice. The mechanical bull calmly approached him, easily ignoring the constant batting of the sand. "I came to the conclusion that you would need more supervision than them due to your knack for encountering the greater danger."

"Oh, thanks!"

"I have also brought Gyorg."

"Asshole."

"Oh, thanks! Why?"

"I feel it is necessary to put him in danger. I believe it will be beneficial in the end."

Goht suddenly stabbed through Link's tunic with her horn and threw him onto her back, placing him next to Gyorg. She took off, narrowly avoiding the red worm's rise. Twinmold immediately turned after them, sliding through the air at much greater speeds than Goht's charge.

"Twinmold!" Gyorg shouted desperately, fear filling his voice as the worm closed in. "I am on your side! Do I need to spell it out for you? I really hope not because I don't know any letters in this fucking language."

"I could teach you if you want," Link happily offered, smiling brightly. "I'm really good at spelling. I can spell disestablishmentarianism!"

"I- SHUT UP! Twinmold, buddy, can you please save me from these fucktards _without_ killing me in the process?"

"We will destroy all opposition," Twinmold responded dully. It snapped at Goht, almost catching her leg. "Those who associate with the enemy are the enemy."

"It's not like this is a willing thing! They kidnapped me and treat me like some sort of pet. Aside from the many, many times where I hurt Odolwa, this is torture!"

Back with the others, Barinade had moved from the right eye to the top one. "None can stop BARINADE!"

As he laid his bug bites upon it, the others launched as many attacks as they could at the worm. Ganondorf shot dark magic at it, Phantom fired a barrage of lightning, King Dodongo shot fire, Volvagia shot fire, Koume shot fire, Gohma punched whatever came close to her, and Kotake shot ice. Tatl was the cheerleader.

"Yay, go team! Woo hoo!" She wasn't very enthusiastic about it.

Navi noticed that Bongo Bongo was just watching them "Shouldn't you be helping?"

"None of them are hurting it," he stated. True to his worm, the worm had yet to even flinch. It had just circled around, letting them attack with no resistance. "I think it's just seeing what we can do right now. Personally, I'm watching for a weak point."

Twinmold had evidently had enough of their pitiful attacks. It dropped straight down, diving into the dunes. "I AM BARINADE!" Barinade was once again lost in an explosion of dust.

"I have reached a conclusion," Bongo Bongo announced. "It is weak to fire."

Navi was honestly intrigued as to how he reached this result. "Why do you say that?"

"There's a blue one and a red one. Knowing how things work in this world, the blue one should be weak to fire and the red one weak to ice. We just need to find its weak point and hit it there."

The shadow beast's shoulders drooped as he watched King Dodongo and Volvagia get into another argument about something menial. "If only we had Link here. He's the only fire guy with a competent shot. Those two are strong, but they aren't very effective."

Navi pulled Link's bow out of nowhere. "I swiped this from him earlier if you want to use it."

-Elsewhere-

"Link, shoot it in the eyes!" Goht commanded. The red worm had clipped her leg and taken off a few wires just a moment ago, visibly slowing her.

"No problem!" He reached into his pouch. "I'll just take out my handy dandy bow and... shoot it... come on... where is it?"

Twinmold struck again, this time successfully pinching her leg between the tips of its pincers. Ghot lurched, falling flat into the sand and ejecting her passengers.

Link and Gyorg landed in a heap, rolling from top speed to zero in a matter of seconds. "I... hate all of you," Gyorg wheezed, coughing up a mouthful of sand.

Twinmold pulled back into the air, taking Goht with him. It rose until it was but a silhouette in the sandstorm, a small shape dangling from between its pincers.

"There goes our ride," Gyorg muttered.

Link frantically looked over his equipment, gazing in for anything that could be of value. Almost on top was the recently acquired Giant's Mask, the mask whose use had not been discovered. "Maybe this will make me grow."

"Oh yes, because that worked so well last time."

Link ignored him and placed the mask upon his face once again. The effect was instantaneous. He began to grow, becoming larger and larger with every second. After a few moments he was humongous, easily the same size as one of the two worms.

"Holy shit! I am so glad that that didn't happen in the temple."

Link staggered, his every step causing tremors. Several sand dunes collapsed under the force. "Whoa, this is cool!" His voice was much, much louder now. Combined with the fact that he was yelling, Gyorg almost had an eardrum pop.

Twinmold immediately took notice to the new threat. He dropped Goht, letting her hundreds of metres into the sand, and went for the new target. Link drew his sword, preparing himself for its assault.

Suddenly, the blue worm came out from underneath him and crashing into Link's back. He staggered forward, covering a football field with every step, only to have the red worm catch him by the throat, digging its mandibles into his flesh. He struggled for a moment before deciding to just hit it in the face with his sword. This appeared to be the correct decision.

The worm cried out, releasing him immediately. Link swung yet again at one of its segments but his blade bounced harmlessly off of its exoskeleton.

"Are you stupid or something?" Gyorg shouted from below. "Hit it in the head again!"

-Elsewhere-

"I hear something," Ganondorf stated, looking off into the distance.

Everyone went silent, listening. "All I hear is wind," Kotake said. "I think he's crazy, isn't he Koume?"

"He certainly is, Kotake. I always told you we had a crazy son, but you never listened."

"I hear something," Tatl practically shouted. "Let's go Helen Keller on this conversation and find it."

It didn't take long to find Link battling the worms. "Is that who I think it is?" Navi asked, pointing at the massive figure doing battle with Twinmold.

"Yup." Gyorg hopped onto Odolwa's head, perching himself on the edge of the warrior's mask. "He put on that Giant's Mask and now he's big."

"Oh. Why the hell is it working now?"

The red worm soared at Link, lunging with its pincers wide. The hero held up his enormous shield and struck blindly at the incoming head. It weaved around his blade and stabbed the mandibles into his shoulder, twisting and tearing. The second worm came from his other side but he pushed it back, focusing on the insect latched onto his sword shoulder.

"Well this is definitely a familiar situation, isn't it Koume?" Kotake asked her sister.

"Indeed it is, Kotake. Fighting two enemies, one blue and one red, right before the big baddie. And like before, the odds are completely against them, eh heh heh!"

"You two!" Bongo Bongo suddenly shouted, pointing both hands at them. "Time to be useful for once! Attack the red one with ice and the blue one with fire, chop-chop!"

The witches cackled. "Looks like we get to kick some ass, eh Koume?"

"Yes we do, Kotake. We-"

Bongo Bongo brought his hand down between them, collapsing the dune below. "Just do it!"

"Kotake and Koume's Double Dynamite Attack!" The witches flew together, forming the fire and ice witch Twinrova. "Fear the power of fire _and_ ice! Or is it ice _and_ fire? Which one should go first? Maybe I should do it alphabetically..." Bongo Bongo wrapped his hand around her skull and hurled the witch into the fray. Someone had to take initiative after all.

Twinrova flew up to the colossal red worm, cackling maniacally. "Why don't you taste some ICE?" She flicked her ice staff, blasting its face with her cold magic.

Twinmold hissed, releasing Link. It blinked rapidly, trying to shift the ice from its eyes. "It tastes like frozen water. I am shocked." With a mighty roar of rage it swung its head in a wide arc, barely missing Twinrova.

"No need to become so violent! I'm the only one who can be violent in these parts!" She began to bombard its body with ice, though it seemed that this only served to aggravate the beast. It twisted and roared, throwing its massive body at her again.

The mirror shield stopped it midway through its charge, giving it a fine concussion. "Yay! I did something!" Link exclaimed. He would have struck a pose or something of the like, but his left arm was bleeding profusely.

The blue worm burst from below Twinrova, head butting her from beneath. As might be guessed, being rammed by a million tonne armoured worm hurt quite a lot. She was sent sprawling to the side as the worm rose, flying into the sky.

Meanwhile, the red worm had had enough of Link. It came at him from his left, circumventing his sloppy slash and making a beeline for the giant mask on his face. "Your breath smells like hurting," Link said milliseconds before the great beast collided with the chin of the mask. It flipped off of Link's face, spiralling and shrinking as it approached the ground. Link quickly followed, reverting to his Muppet sized form.

"And that resolves that."

Link landed on his feet in front of the others, still bleeding large amounts of blood. "Hi."

"Someone find that mask!" Tatl shouted, flying into the sandstorm. Everyone followed suit, shooting off in different directions. This left Link and Gyorg, standing awkwardly together.

Gyorg scoffed at their obvious desperation. "They aren't very observant, are they?" He flopped into the storm, following King Dodongo's footsteps.

"Do you truly think Twinmold will let you find that mask again?" As Twinrova battled the blue worm, the red descended on them, passing just metres over Link's head. "There you are."

"Seeking out the most dangerous first, eh?" came Gohma's confident voice.

"Do not flatter yourself, one eye."

"At least my face is perfectly balanced. What's with the triangle?"

Gyorg returned to Link's side, spitting the Giant's Mask at his feet. "Put it on and kick those treacherous worm asses!"

Link picked it up with his good arm, clearly hesitating. He held it close to his face but soon lowered it, sighing. "I don't think I'll be able to do much better than before. Especially with, you know, the bleeding."

"Okay, then put it on me and let me do my thing!"

Link placed the mask on the ground, allowing Gyorg to leap face first into it. The effect was instant. His size exploded, growing well past his maximum size and passing through Deku Tree territory. He eye was equal in size to one of Twinmold's own by the end, putting him close to par. "OH YEAH!" he boomed, his voice spreading the sandstorm.

"What was that?" the blue worm asked aloud, pausing in delivering a finishing blow to the now downed Twinrova. Suddenly, Gyorg shot off of the ground and sunk his terrible fangs into it, latching onto the worm's face. It swung its head blindly, taking off in a random direction. It smashed its face into the sand but this failed in shaking off the determined being.

"'At all ya ot, itch?" Being unable to move his jaw, Gyorg's words were a bit mangled.

The blue worm sped up, hitting the ground with more and more force. However, this had the side effect of making its imminent collision with its counterpart all the more painful for both of them.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" the red worm screamed out, feeling its partner crash into its side with enough force to bring it out of the air. Gyorg was almost crushed between them. He fell to the ground, swearing loudly and frequently. "The hell are you doing? I know I'm strong but I'm not invincible and that hurt! Look where you're going you fucking twat!"

"Ugh... sorry," the blue worm muttered, still dazed from the hit. "Our compatriot Gyorg was biting into my eyes so I had a bit of trouble seeing where I was going."

"Well next time, why don't you give a shout of 'hey reddy bro, feel like helping me out so I don't do something stupid and break up this _we are one_ act we're putting on because you've always wanted to do this' why don'tcha?"

"I said sorry already," the blue worm repeated. Agitation was slipping into its voice and it had apparently shaken off the impact pain. "Nothing else can be done except continue to beat the ever living shit out of this group."

"Yes yes, of course Captain Logic. Grow a personality why don'tcha?"

"I am not going to have this conversation _again_!"

As they bickered, Bongo Bongo slipped the Giant's Mask off of Gyorg and placed it on his own cranium. He grew like the others, the sandstorm veiling his new height.

"Oh you are definitely going to have this conversation again. We don't need to worry about these wimps, so let's talk, shall we?"

"All right, let's. I shall start. You are an impulsive wreck and I need to be here so you don't gallivant like a child-"

Two gargantuan hands reached from the sand, wrapping their deadened fingers around the two worms' skulls. They were yanked back to the masked Bongo Bongo, flailing their tails violently. "Hello there. I am Bongo Bongo, and I can crush your brains into mush if I so please. Will you go peacefully or am I going to have to kill you both?"

"We surrender," the blue worm said without hesitation.

"HEY!" Bongo Bongo turned his attention to the speck that was Ganondorf. "What makes you think they won't turn and crush us the second you let them go? We can't stay big forever, but they can!"

"An excellent point, Ganny-dorf." Bongo Bongo released the blue worm. "Remove your mask or I kill your friend."

"Brother," the red Twinmold quickly corrected. "And don't make us laugh! We're goddamn Twinmold! Do you really think we'll give in to these petty thr- Ow OW _OW_! Take off your goddamn mask you goddamn Twinmold!"

With a grand sigh, the other worm shook the mask free from its head. It fell to the ground and an enormous flash of white erupted from it, engulfing all of them. The last giant had been freed.

"Yay!" Link piped in. He would have clapped, but, well, he could barely move his left arm. There was a lot of blood. "Could someone please patch this up? It hurts…"


	39. Insanity Spreads

_I had trouble writing this one. Then I started actually playing the game again. My writing problems ended. I was happy._

_Published June 1, 2011_

**Insanity Spreads**

-Dawn of the Second Day-

Bubbles filled the misty sky, signalling the humanoids' return to the Giant's Realm. The fourth giant stood in the distance, veiling by the clouds just like its companions. Link, Ganondorf, Twinrova, Tatl and Navi rested on the enormous pedestal that descended into the mist below. "Well, we've helped everyone," Tatl shouted, knowing that her words would reach it. "That's all we can do. Now it's your turn."

Navi was understandably freaking out. "WHOA! Where are we? I mean, I've appeared on pedestals after beating bosses before but where the hell is this place?"

"Land of the giants," Tatl snapped. "Now shut it, I'm trying to translate this giant talk. "Ha... ha. 'Ha ha', that's what he's saying. Wait, what the fuck do you mean by 'ha ha'?"

The giant's silhouette began to rumble jovially, emitting a booming laugh.

Ganondorf began to gather dark energy in his palm. "I swear, if these ass faced bastards have been playing us all along-"

A bolt of lightning blasted from the heavens, smiting Ganondorf. He stood still, comically charred and smoking. The giant began to speak again. "Oh. He says he's kidding," Tatl reported. "He appears to be very sensitive about his lack of an ass and asks you to never comment on it again."

Ganondorf fell like a plank in the wind.

"I'll tell him you agree to the terms." The giant began to roar again, leaving Tatl to translate. "Ca... ll... us. 'Call us' is what they're saying."

"What does that mean?" Link asked.

The giant groaned and began to roar again.

"Go... to... the... Clock... Tower... and... call... us... when... the... time... is... right."

"When will that be?"

The giant was silent. In a flash of light, they were back in Ikana Canyon.

-Ikana Canyon, several minutes earlier-

With Twinmold's surrender, the various abominations were all sent to Stone Tower's exterior, to Ikana Canyon by the burst of energy. In any other circumstance they would stand around and taunt the newly defeated antagonist. This standard procedure was broken by the fact that the Twinmold worms towered above them, their tails disappearing over the horizon and their six eyes staring down at them.

Odolwa awkwardly broke the silence, saying, "So... Now that you've failed, you don't need to continue this, right?"

"I will destroy you," the red worm hissed.

"All that was your own damn fault!" Gyorg shouted, flopping wildly like a splashing Magikarp. "You could've welcomed me as your ally but you had to go for the 'kill everything' method so FUCK YOU!"

"Taunt the colossal worm, what a brilliant idea," the same worm remarked, scoffing at Gyorg's horrid sense of self-preservation. "I could splatter you across the whole country right now if I wanted to."

"I bet you wouldn't say the same thing if I were at my real size!" Gyorg snapped. He continued to flop harmlessly as though he was making some sort of point.

The red worm laughed, stimulating several earthquakes and landslides. However, it was the blue worm who spoke next. "Calm down, the both of you. Brother, I know you enjoy using your size to overcompensate but now isn't the time for this. Gyorg, I know you're getting quite heated and got the short end of the stick, but shut up before you get reduced to a smear mark."

"HEY!" Gyorg and the red worm shouted, glaring at the blue brother.

"I like that one," King Dodongo commented.

The blue worm sighed, the canyon walls rumbling as he did so. "To be honest, I was growing tired of sitting in that desert, guarding the giant for a master I didn't even know. This is a welcomed change. Brother, we should take advantage of this situation and set out on our own."

"Oh yes," the red worm responded, rolling his eyes. "Because we all know how much there is for two colossal worms to do in the worm."

"_Flying_ colossal worms."

"That's a good point. We should travel to the moon or something like that."

Gohma spoke up, shouting, "I don't think you'll even need to fly to reach that."

Both worms blinked. They raised their eyes to the sky. "What are you HOLY SHIT! WHY IS THAT THERE?" the duo simultaneously screamed. The moon's terrifying eyes gazed down at the world as it drew closer and closer. "That is NOT supposed to be that close!"

"That is nothing!" Gyorg yelled. "Ignore it and all will be well!"

"That would be your former master's doing. He is going to pull down the moon and kill who knows how many," Phantom explained to the worms. "So unless you want to be crushed as well I suggest you help us take him down."

Before they could respond, Goht spoke. "The population of Clock Town is two thousand three hundred and four. Within the blast radius of the point of the moon's collision is another six thousand eight hundred humans, Deku, Gorons and Zoras. This will bring the casualty total to nine thousand one hundred and four individuals, not including sentient races such as keese and bombchu whose numbers change too rapidly to take into the equation."

"That's nice." Phantom turned his attention back to the worms. "So will you help us?"

Without warning Link, Navi, Tatl, Ganondorf and Twinrova were at their side. "He didn't answer our question," Link said, pouting slightly.

Tatl gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "Don't worry, you'll experience the feeling of annoyance someday too."

"We will help," the blue worm said loudly, bringing attention back to their presence... not like anyone could forget that they were there. "Though I am certain we could escape this disaster if we desired, I do not want our former master to attempt to catch up to us. I fear that even we would fall against him alone."

"Fantastic," Gohma grunted. "Now that you've had your personal revelation it's time to actually do something methinks."

"I have a great idea!" Twinrova shouted, holding up her overflowing bag of struggling fairies.

"Oh boy."

The fairy fountain of this land was not hard to find; it was right beside Stone Tower. As usual, the inside contained a small selection of stray fairies who had not been scattered with their companions. "I'm not sure if I have all of them, so let's find out!" Twinrova spilled the bag into the air, releasing both the Great Bay fairies and the Stone Tower fairies. The cloud of wings soared over to the other fairies and began to join together, forming something none of them had ever hoped to see.

A two headed Great Fairy, possessing three arms and only one leg, burst forth from the mass. "I AM A FAIRIES!" the horrible spectacle shouted in two distorted voice. "I'MA THE GREAT FAIRY OF PRECIOUS METALS AND I CAN DOES A LOT OF THINGS FOR ANY OF YOU PERSONS."

"What have you done?" Gyorg hissed to the ice witch.

"I've created life," Twinrova breathed, her words coming out as quiet as a whisper. "I'm god, eh heh heh!"

"I, BARINADE, can be the only god here!" Barinade held the Megaton Hammer high, posing dramatically. "You must not believe you are one who is above the mighty Barinade for that is blasphemy! You wish to be blasphemous against the Church of Barinade? Then you shall suffer the consequences!"

The room was completely silent after his small tirade. "Barinade, what did you just say?" Link asked the arrogant anemone.

Gohma followed up with a, "Seconded. What the fuck did any of that mean?"

"My circuit board is sizzling just trying to comprehend it," Goht reported. "Initiating contingency script. Opening to lower intelligence and cool circuitry."

"It means I AM BARINADE!" With a mighty roar he hurled his hammer at the Great Fairy of Precious Metals. It spun across the fountain on a direct course for the monster's face. The fairy held up a hand, catching the hammer as it came close. She twirled, increasing its momentum and releasing it right back at Barinade. His own hammer struck his body, forcefully ejecting him from the cave with maximum amounts of pain. Everyone stared in horror at the Great Fairy.

"YOU WANT WEAPONS AND I GIVE YOU THINGS OF WEAPON YES YES. CATCH!" It formed what was admittedly a very nice looking sword in mid air and hurled it at the party. Fate would determine who it hit.

The sword flew past everyone and out the door where it sunk into the red Twinmold's side. "I feel something."

"That is your heart telling you that you are a waste of life," the blue Twinmold stated. "It is a very wise organ."

"Ha ha."

Back inside, the rest of the group was unsure of what to say now. Tatl, being the most vocal of the assembled beings, started with, "Uh, thank you Great Fairy-"

"NO PROBLEM TOOTSIE ROLL," the monster interrupted. It began to spin on its one leg. "I'MA DANCE DANCE DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY. COME BACK TOMORROW NIGHT PEOPLES SO WE CAN CAN'T DO FUNS AND EAT CAKE. WEEEEE!" With a final cry that disproved the sanctity of life, the fairy disappeared.

This led the group into an awkward silence. No one was willing to be the one to pick up from that carriage crash, resulting in them all standing around silently.

Fortunately, Twinmold was not opposed to doing so. "What are you guys doing in there? I don't hear anything, are you done?" the red worm shouted in. Some loose rocks fell from the ceiling.

"W-we're done," Navi responded.

The moment they left the terrible fountain Gohma smacked Twinrova upside the head. "You don't get to suggest _anything_ anymore."

"Why, what happened?" the red Twinmold questioned. He apparently did not notice the sword in his exoskeleton yet.

Gohma ignored him. "So what now?"

Link began to jump excitedly, waving his hand through the air. "I know I know I know!"

The arachnid sighed. "What do you have in mind?"

-Southern Swamp-

"Explain to me where exactly we are going," the red Twinmold growled from above the trees. "I see no point in coming to this reeking bog."

King Dodongo opened his mouth to answer but coincidentally stepped in a hole immediately afterwards, resulting in the dragon taking a mouth full of poisonous swamp water. Lacking a mouth, Bongo Bongo answered in his stead. "Link probably wants to go on some obscure side quest that he should have no knowledge of but he is somehow going to lead us into anyway."

The great worm's face scrunched up in confusion. "Side quest? The hell are you talking about? We should be going to the tower right now so we can kill that asshole!"

Navi cut his rant off before it started. "As much as I hate this place right now, we need to tie up all loose ends while we still can."

"Fuck loose ends! Why is this little brat the one leading us?"

"That, my friend, is a question we do not want to answer," Odolwa told the giant, patting one of his segments.

"It's because Odolwa tried to lead us, failed horribly and now we just let the kid do it because everyone else fails," Morpha summarized, not even attempting to spare the jungle warrior's dignity. This earned a chuckle from the group at his expense.

"Why am I not surprised at the oaf's ineptitude?" Volvagia hissed. He flew around to Odolwa's head and gave him a condescending pat. "Don't worry, you'll no long be a pox on the world pretty soon."

"Hey, be nice to the guy!" Morpha shouted up at the thin dragon. "He can't help being the way he is."

Through their subgroup came Gohma, her legs sending swamp water in all directions as she trudged through it. "Will you all grow up and stop taunting Odolwa?"

"Thank you!"

"He got enough abuse from his parents and everyone else he knows, all of whom hate him."

"Everyone can now shut up!"

As that section continued their mockery, Ganondorf noticed something, or rather, the lack of something. "Mom? Mother?"

He quietly trudged away from the group as to not alert the others of his absence. By ignoring the voices of his companions he located the shrill, cackling duo that was his parents. But something was wrong. There was an echo in their laughter, one that should not have been present in the grimy marsh. It unnerved him.

The desert king stumbled upon the potion shop belonging to his parents, and his worst nightmare was instantly a reality. From that moment on he was a broken man, a shattered soul living in a healthy body that did not want to host him. The once proud and powerful man felt weaker than ever before, as though he was just an ant to be disposed of once his purpose was served.

Kotake turned to him. "Hello there Ganondorf, eh heh heh!"

Koume cackled alongside her. "Come over here, join your parents."

The other Koume nodded fervently. "I agree, I greatly agree. We have a lot of catching up to do, all of us."

The other Kotake cackled as well. "Why so sullen son? You look like you just died inside."

Ganondorf was a hardened man. He had lived in a harsh climate his whole life; as the destined king of his people he had to live up to almost unreal expectations or his race would be swallowed by the dunes of history, forgotten by the world. Everything hinged upon his personal power. He was pushed to his limits constantly, reminded that fate had chosen him to be the one to ascend to greatness and gift the tribe with the world they rightfully deserved. Any weaker man would have broken, but he was strong. He pushed on through thick and thin, never once showing weakness. He had never shed a tear in his whole life until that day, the day where he saw two moms and two mothers cackling and talking to him as though nothing was wrong. On that day, a single tear fell from his left eye. Not that he'd ever tell.

-House of Skulltula-

"Yes Mr. Spider Man, we will assist you in your plight!" Link exclaimed to the half-human half-Skulltula hanging in front of him.

"Thank you so much," the spider man said in a nasally, high pitched voice. "I've been like this for so long. Make sure to kill each and every golden skulltula in there. There are around thirty and they're all very well hidden."

"You can count on us!" Link opened the ornate door, running inside with his sword drawn.

A collective sigh travelled around the remainder of the group. "So easily distracted," Gyorg muttered. "While he's doing that, who's up for getting drunk?"

The majority of the party quickly agreed to his idea, leaving the house within seconds. "What's going on?" the red Twinmold asked; all he saw was most of them leaving.

"Getting drunk," Gohma grunted. "You can't come 'cause you're enormous."

"Fair enough," the blue worm said. "We shall help Link complete whatever insane quest he has embarked upon."

Inside the house, Link was wading through a pool of filthy, knee deep water. His sword was being randomly stabbed into the liquid every few seconds. "Oh spiders, where are you?"

"The spiders will _not_ answer you," Tatl grumbled. As useful as helping people was, they were almost done their quest and for that she saw little reason to wander aimlessly, searching for whatever he was doing this for.

"If they're nice spiders they will. Hey, spiders, don't you want to be nice spiders? Tell me where you are and I'll give you a trea- OW! Something bit me!" He stabbed the water, this time being rewarded with the resistance provided by the flesh of the living. A pop signified the death of a golden skulltula. "One down, twenty nine-"

Tatl's fist sent him sprawling into the water.

Morpha laughed at his misfortune.

After several hours of scouring the house for the small spiders, they were down to the last few. Most of the rooms had been cleared ("How does dropping bugs next to a hole in the wall make a spider come out?" Tatl asked aloud, knowing that she would never receive a satisfactory answer) but the final few arachnids continued to elude them. "I can hear them," Link growled, his eyes darting in every direction. "They're taunting me just by existing. I can hear every one of their itty bitty legs, scratching against the walls and _laughing_ at my failure..."

Tatl blinked. "They're spiders."

"The angry bitch is right," Navi said. "Calm down and think rationally. Where haven't we checked?"

"Everywhere!" Link gasped. "They're everywhere. We're surrounded by them, we're gonna die!"

Both fairies hit him simultaneously. "Calm down or the next hit will leave your teeth in the floor!" Tatl snapped. "We're in a backwater house looking for spiders. So stop freaking out."

Link doubled over, taking in several large gulps of air. "You're right. Sorry. I guess I lost it for a few minutes there. I just don't like this place. It's so large, dark and full of spiders... Spiders that are mocking me! DIE SPIDERS!" Before they could stop him Link ran at a nearby jar, crashing into it head first. Surprisingly, the impact caused a golden skulltula to fire from its top and onto the floor behind Link.

Tatl scanned the room, seeing four more pots lined across the perimeter. "You should do that again."

After ten head pounding minutes, the last golden skulltula was dead. Link, Morpha and the fairies returned to the spider man, the Hylian boy staggering like a drunken elephant. A man with the Mask of Truth on his face ran over to Link and excitedly shouted, "Thank you so much! I'm saved! I thought I was going to die like that."

"I want to die," Link moaned, his forehead red and throbbing.

The man gave him a slap on the back that likely only caused him more pain. "Don't worry young man. Everything's fine now. A long time ago, a man told me I could be rich if I came here and gave me this mask. He said the instructions were inscribed somewhere in here, but..." Link's hearing faded and the next few minutes were just a constant buzzing noise to him. "...Here, take it! It's yours!" The man removed the Mask of Truth, placing it in Link's hands.

A shadow descended from the corner, its large size easily dwarfing those present in the room. "You got the Mask of Truth!" Odolwa exclaimed. "This mask allows you to understand the whispers of Gossip Stones and the thoughts of animals!"

Odolwa snatched the white mask from his hands. "Read the thoughts of animals I say? Heh heh..."

-Night of the Second Day, Milk Bar-

"How exactly is this supposed to get us drunk?" Gyorg tipped his mug of milk, glancing at the milky milk within. "It's fucking milk. I don't get plastered off of fucking milk, I get plastered off of fucking alcohol!"

The terrified bartender shakily poured a large amount of alcohol into his glass and onto the counter.

"Thank you. See? This guy knows what to do!"

Bongo Bongo swirled his barrel, glancing down at the small fish. "I'm surprised you know the words 'thank you'."

Gyorg was about to retort but another question took priority, pushing the imminent insult war lower on his mental list. "Why do you even have that? You can't drink!"

From the door above crept in Odolwa, the Mask of Truth perched on his own mask. Gyorg was oblivious to his presence as he quietly stepped down the steps, approaching him from behind. Goht, Barinade and Phantom Ganon all watched with interest as he brought his hand above the fish before swinging it down, latching his palm onto his skull.

"The fuck?"

However, his thoughts painted a different picture.

"_Oh god, someone's touching me. Ew ew ew the germs are getting all over me stop touching me get your filthy fucking hand off of my head wait a moment this is Odolwa's hand what the fuck is he doing let the fuck go you idiot!_"

"Let the fuck go you idiot!"

He released the smaller being, giggling childishly. "Don't worry, I washed my hand before I touched you. Don't worry your silly, germaphobic brain over it."

"What are you talking about? I'm not a germaphobe. Go eat a dick."

However, Odolwa had already moved his attention on to someone else. "What are you doing?" King Dodongo wondered. Odolwa placed his palm on the dragon's forehead.

"_Money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money..._"

"Guess I should have expected that one." He moved to Volvagia.

"_What is this fool doing? Perhaps he's reading my mind in some fashion with that mask of his. In that case, you are a bumbling prick who does not deserve life. Die now and do the world a favour before you screw something up._"

"Someone's in a grumpy mood today." He turned to Gohma.

"Touch my head and I'm going to break your arm."

He simply laughed at the threat she was very likely to carry out. "Silly Gohma. You're silly." He placed his hand on her forehead.

"Idiot."

"_Snap._"

And snap went his arm.

With that out of the way, Link questioned, "Has anyone seen Ganondorf or Twinmold?"

-Far out to sea-

The two colossal worms flew above the ocean, travelling to parts unknown. "Answer me! Where the hell are we going?" the red worm shouted. His brother's actions made absolutely no sense to him.

"We are going to help Link in his quest."

"HOW?"

"I'm not sure about that yet."

The red Twinmold stopped flying forward, glaring spitefully at his brother. "I have no earthly clue why we decided to randomly fly out to sea, but I am going back now because, unlike you, I still have some semblance of sanity!"

-Southern Swamp-

He was not the type of person to question life. To the Gerudo King, life was something he would simply exploit until it had run dry, to make into his personal bitch that he would do whatever he wanted with because it couldn't say no. But now, in the Southern Swamp of all places, he wondered why he was still alive.

"You look stunned, doesn't he Koume?"

"Yes he does Koume, yes he does. What do you think Kotake?"

"I agree, but there's a bit of sadness I can't quite put my finger on. How about you Kotake?"

Ganondorf could _feel_ his hair greying in his scalp. His hatred for existence in general was increasing with every millisecond he spent in the company of the duo of parenting duos. Every step he took, every metre covered with those four in tow, sent him deeper into the circus of insanity. He was on the tightrope at this point, wavering above the elephant on a unicycle.

"Ganondorf, are you okay?"

"Ganondorf, are you okay?"

"Ganondorf, are you okay?"

"Ganondorf, are you okay?"

He twitched.


	40. Heroic Heroes

_With my final assignment of high school done and only two easy exams left, finishing this story is pretty high on my free time priority list. So I went straight to writing this chapter. We're getting to the home stretch people._

_Published June 19, 2011 _

**Heroic Heroes**

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

In retrospect, they should have expected some sort of negative reaction when they arrived in the middle of Clock Town with the Twinmold worms in tow. Terror spread across the town immediately. People screamed, people ran, and the town guards were too scared and unprepared to stop it. Mass hysteria spread across the town within seconds.

"This was a complete success," Gohma grunted. "Where are you going?"

Through the chaos, Ganondorf walked forward as though caught in a trance. He was silent, his eyes absent of purpose and meaning. Gohma's words did not appear to reach his mind; he kept walking, soon leaving the walls of Clock Town.

"What is wrong with him?" Igos du Ikana asked as he watched the Gerudo King leave their sights.

"That was the face of a broken man." King Dodongo shook his head, sighing lightly. "He's either going to break down and cry or kill thousands within the next few days. I think either option will be hilarious."

Tatl scowled, seeing that he was right. "We can't let that happen."

"We'll try to cheer him up," Kotake announced, cackling as she and Kotake pursued their son. The others briefly wondered if this was the best decision that could be made pertaining to the concept of keeping Ganondorf sane, but they shrugged it off.

Gohma quickly glanced over the almost deserted town. "What now?"

"We have to do everything that we can in all the areas!" Link pumped his fist into the air, waiting eagerly for their cries of support.

"That sounds like a lot," King Dodongo groaned, setting his path for the Milk Bar. "I'll be drinking milk."

"We're going to the north at some point. Why don't you just come to your bar with us?" Phantom Ganon argued. "You'll be able to make money." King Dodongo paused.

-Mountain Village-

Link, Tatl, Navi, Gohma, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha, Odolwa, Goht and Gyorg trudged miserably through the whiteout. Igos, Bongo Bongo and Twinmold had no problems navigating it. They _could_ have ridden one of the worms but the two were very indignant to the idea. "Fuck you in the rusty dickhole," was the red worm's response to Link's suggestion.

It only took them most of the day to determine that they had absolutely nothing to resolve over there. "That was a complete and total waste of time," Tatl grumbled. So they left.

-Great Bay Coast-

Barinade dramatically pointed at a doorway in the side of the cliff. "BARINADE has discovered something none of you imperceptive fools noticed before! A door!"

"Thanks eyeless," Gohma grunted. After a shore trek across the sandy coastline the smaller members of the group had unknowingly made their way into the Oceanside Spider House. Almost no natural lighting made it past the entryway, bathing them in the shadows of the earth. Volvagia was forced to the front, his mane letting off a sufficient glow.

"See anything up ahead candleman?" Morpha asked the dragon.

Volvagia's tongue flicked across his lips. "I see a tasty snack should you call me that again."

"Remember to add the salt," Tatl droned. She was far too used to their banter to expect any threat to be carried out.

"I've been in the sea recently, I'm already salty," Morpha retorted. "I take care of myself and stay prepped for _anything_, unlike some people."

"You have no eyes so we can't see who you're glaring at."

"Dammit! One day, I WILL get an eye and you'll all see what I am truly capable of!"

"We all already see. You're the one who's behind on the subject."

"I will admit that I set myself up for that one. The verbal war goes to you, fairy, but the war of might shall be mine in the end!"

Gyorg sighed and began to pitifully flop back toward the outside world. "I'm going to hang out with the giant worms."

At his retreat Morpha laughed. "Run pansy, run and cry!"

"I can't run, I'm a fucking fish! Think before you talk."

"Dammit! Is there anything else I'm leaving myself open to that anyone wants to take advantage of?"

"PAR IS ONE!" Barinade swung his hammer, launching Morpha out of the tunnel and into the distant ocean. "BARINADE WINS AGAIN!" He shot celebratory electricity in random directions, almost bringing the passage down on them. He was punched several times.

The tunnel ended with a moderately lit stone room. The walls had been completely smoothed by a dedicated craftsman; several torches had been fixed and were burning brightly. However, aside from that, nothing was there.

"Congratulations, we have successfully wasted ten minutes of our lives," Gohma declared. "Thank you Barinade. Your keen perception has once again led us to nothing at all."

"You DARE to question Barinade? Watch and learn!" Barinade brought his mighty hammer above their heads, the torchlight flickering off of its reflective metal head. He pulled it back and, without warning, hurled it at a seemingly random wall. The hammer struck soundly, obliterating the stone and revealing a new and even darker passage. "Holy shit that was unexpected. Er, I mean, AHA! Barinade has shown once more the wisdom of a thousand men!"

A light noise reached their ears. It steadily grew louder and faster paced. Few of them knew what was producing the noise, but it stopped Link in his tracks. "No... Not again!"

A golden skulltula peeked up from the threshold.

"NOOOOO!" Link set an arrow aflame and shot it down the hallway. It soared over the spider and into a web that the same animal probably produced. The web caught fire immediately. The flames spread further down the tunnel and into an ornate looking house, catching off of the hundreds of webs within. It did not take long for the whole inside to be engulfed and burning. Anything that was inside was likely dying or dead.

"That solved that mini dungeon faster than normal," Phantom muttered, pressing his face into his palm at Link's destructive solution.

A stressed smile spread across Tatl's face. "Time to go." She ushered for them all to flee.

"What's going on in here?" a meek voice asked from the entryway. A man carefully entered the antechamber, trying to peek down the fiery tunnel. "I heard something so I came looking."

"The second we arrived there was a spontaneous fire," Bongo Bongo lied. "You might want to go find someone to help put it out."

The man nodded, shocked but believing. "R-right, I'll get help right away!" He fled the scene, his intentions noble but his gullibility having been bent over the table and taken advantage of.

Link noticed something fall from his pocket and land on the ground, the rupees inside clinking together. He snatched it from the ground.

Odolwa slowly rose up behind his shoulder. "You got a Giant Wallet!" he shouted, scaring the poor boy. He took it from his shaking hands. "This thing is huge! It can hold up to five hundred rupees! This is so much bigger than my own wallet, I want it."

"If that stupid Dodongo were here, he'd be tackling you to the ground right now," Volvagia hissed.

Navi flew between them, tearing the wallet from Odolwa's loose grip. "We're not stealing his wallet," she snapped. "Come on, we're bringing it back."

The first thing they saw upon returning to the light of day was a large red stain splattered across the sands. The red Twinmold was wiping some remains off of his tail. "That was unnecessary," the blue brother said, staring harshly at his brother.

"He wouldn't stop screaming. It was getting annoying."

Navi sighed, her wings drooping. "It seems that the wallet's yours."

-Dawn of the Second Day, Termina Field-

Link held the heart container in front of his eye. He drilled his gaze into the core of it, his mind set on discovery. "Tell me your secrets," he whispered, feeling its glasslike surface. His tongue darted from his mouth, sending a long lick across the surface. "Still cold. What are you hiding from me?"

From the group of resting monsters, Bongo Bongo glanced at the Hylian boy. "He's licking the heart again."

"Figures," Gohma sighed. She shook her head and returned focus to the card game. "Three of a kind."

"_Four_ of a kind!" King Dodongo laughed at the sighs of the other poker players. He pulled all of their rupees into his enormous pile of winnings. "Victory is mine once again!"

"I'm done with poker for now." Phantom slid his cards to the dealer. He floated to Link, watching him nibble on the edge of the heart container with interest. He hesitated, finally asking, "Have you made any progress?"

Link looked up at him with excited eyes. He removed the heart from his teeth. "Yes!" After a few moments of silence Phantom gestured for him to continue. "I'm not really sure what I learned, but I _did_ learn something! There's something about this thing that I know but I'm not sure what it is. You know what I mean, right? You're a ghost after all."

Ignoring how that did not tie into anything, Phantom just gave him a pat on the head. "I'm sure you'll figure out whatever it is someday."

The kid smiled again. "Thanks. You may look a lot like Ganondorf but you sure are different from him. I hope he's okay."

-Great Bay-

Ganondorf floated face down among the waves of the ocean, bubbles emitting from his mouth every few seconds. Koume and Kotake sat on his back, using their brooms to rapidly paddle away from the hungry sea serpents that pursued them.

"This is all your fault, Kotake!" Koume snapped, briefly pulling her broom from the water to hit her sister.

Kotake did the same with more force. "I'm not the one who provoked them, Koume!"

The ice sister was hit again. "Yes you are! You ate their eggs!"

The fire sister took the blow this time. "If they didn't want their eggs eaten they shouldn't have left them sitting in clusters on the ocean floor!"

By now the snakes had surrounded them. The largest and angriest snake moved in, mouth wide.

-Termina Field-

"He's probably just moping in a corner."

For just a second they heard the flap of wings. Then Link felt the heart container disappear from his hands and a vulture was flying off with it grasped in his talons. "Hey!" Out of reflex he withdrew his bow, strung an arrow and let it fly. The wooden stick arced through the air, wedging itself in the animal's spine. Still, it flew on as though uninjured.

In his panic, Link climbed onto the blue Twinmold's back and sat down. "Follow that bird!" he shouted, pointing at the Takkuri.

The worm shifted under him, raising his head to glance at the small bird. "Why?"

"It stole my heart piece! I've been working on that this whole adventure!"

The blue worm sighed. "Why not..."

He rose into the air, making a beeline for the feathered fiend. Gigantic pincers attempted to close down on it, but the target was just too small to accurately hit. For plan B he twisted, whipping his tail around and aiming to both hit the bird from the sky and splatter it in midair. In some horrible twist of fate, a bug flew into Twinmold's main eye just as he made the swing. This changed the trajectory by several degrees, rendering the Takkuri unharmed. It flew over the wall of Clock Town and into the streets, soon disappearing between the buildings.

-Night of the Second Day, Clock Town-

Link made it his new mission to retrieve the item. He bought a trench coat and walked through the dark, empty streets, searching for clues to the bird's whereabouts. Most of the group was resting their minds and bodies for the final confrontation; only Tatl, Navi, Phantom, Odolwa and the blue Twinmold accompanied him. The latter hovered silently over the city, praying that no one would look up.

A cricket in West Clock Town went quiet as the ensemble cast passed it. It would likely never make noise again.

"It's here somewhere," Link whispered, his voice barely able to be heard above the almost non-existent wind. "I can feel it."

"The trail of bird crap is also a good hint." Odolwa jabbed at a white lump with his sword. "Yup. Definitely crap. This stuff's everywhere. That thing really can't hold anything in."

Link held up a hand, gesturing for them to stop their doing of nothing. "It's in here." He stood in front of the town Curiosity Shop, the shady, night-time only store which Kafei hid in.

"It's worth investigating." Phantom wasn't sure about the reliability of his claim but a locale like that was something to look into.

The shop was crowded on the inside. Crates, all closed, were scattered across the room. A desk with a cage protecting the owner from irate customers broke the room in half, the other side being much more organized. A middle aged, balding man stood with his back to them on the safe side. He stopped cleaning a set of Iron Knuckle armour when the bell signalled their entrance. He obviously didn't remember them. "Come in. You gotta look around. I'm doin' a special sale. Check it out." The Curiosity Shop owner ran his hands across the two objects just behind the cage; a terrifying mask and Link's heart container.

"Tonight's bargain is the All-Night Mask for use at bedtime. I forgot when this was made, but is sure is a freaky mask, see?"

"HEART PIECE!" Link latched onto the cage, his eyes bugging out as though trying to grab the item themselves. "Give it back!"

The shop owner held up the Heart Piece. "I got this off of a loyal seller just an hour ago. Real nice piece. It's a really strong good relic. Fifty rupees."

"It's MINE!"

"It'll be yours once you hand over fifty rupees."

Phantom walked forward, prying Link away and setting him down. "A bird stole that from us and we traced it back to here."

The man scratched his back, quiet for a moment. At first, Phantom was hopeful. "Got any proof of that?"

For a moment he had no ideas. And then, inspiration struck. "There should be some bite marks on the side that match his teeth. Don't ask why."

The shop owner looked at the heart piece, confirming the presence of the marks. He slid it through the small hole. "All right, my bad. No offense mean with the doubt, just defending my best customer."

Phantom delivered the item to Link. "No problem."

With his precious item returned, Link's A.D.D. was free to kick in. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to the All-Night Mask.

"This is really scary stuff. When you put it on, you can try and try to fall asleep, but you won't be able to. I heard it used to be for torture purposes. Pretty creepy, huh? Five hundred rupees."

Link ran over, staring at it like the eager child that he was. "You had me at 'hello'!"

Odolwa opened his mouth. Phantom placed a hand on his should. He shook his head.

Using his new and previously full wallet Link paid the man, holding the mask above his head. "You got the All-Night Mask. Apparently, this mask won't let you drift off to sleep even if you want to." Odolwa said his standard line without much enthusiasm.

They left the Curiosity Shop with more than had been intended. "Are we done?" Twinmold asked from above. "Are we ready to defeat this Skull Kid?"

"Not yet," Link answered. "We started this one quest a loooong time ago and we have to finish it up first!"

"I think I remember that," Tatl said, stroking her chin dramatically. "We failed horribly because we never followed up on anything, right?"

"Right. This time, we can follow up on everything! And then I get my laser mask."

"Just play the damn song."

As the moon drew closer, Link brought the ocarina to his lips and played the Song of Time. Every member of their group, close or far, was pulled away from reality by a blue light and sent back to the beginning for the last time.


	41. The Last Cycle Begins

_Well, time to begin the clean up. I will not be going into much detail on what has already been covered though, so don't worry._

_Published June 22, 2011 _

**The Last Cycle Begins**

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"YES, WE GET IT, WE'RE BIG AND SCARY. So SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO YOUR DAILY LIVES!" The panicking screams of the citizens had apparently gotten on the red Twinmold's nerves, resulting in him shouting them into terrified silence. Everyone quickly obeyed, trying as hard as possible to pretend that the two worms had not just spawned above them.

"So this is the last time we shall do this," Igos du Ikana muttered. "It's strange. I've been here for so long, yet I feel like I've accomplished so little."

"You're a head who can't do anything that floats in the background," Gohma stated. "You _haven't_ accomplished anything."

"I suppose that's true..."

Navi clapped her hands loudly, rubbing them eagerly as the surrounding ensemble looked at her. "Since this is going to be the last time, we need to get everything right. Every problem has to be fixed, and there's just enough of us to do it. Except him."

Ganondorf sat against the Clock Tower door, constantly flipping a coin. He was off in his own world again.

"Link, you and Tatl will do this mission you haven't accomplished yet. You're the only ones who even know what you're talking about. Red, Blue, you two should go to each of the temples and kill the current guardians to purify each land." Navi listed off each member of their cast and gave them a specific task. With their jobs assigned, they all set out.

The first thing Link did was run out into Termina Field and kill things for rupees. He had nothing at all to do until midday, leaving seven or so hours of grinding for money.

-Southern Swamp-

The Twinmold duo tore the roof from Woodfall Temple. Inside, the current timeline's Odolwa was enjoying a nice chat with his insect friends when he was exposed to the harsh sunlight and six murderous eyes. "Hi," he squeaked.

As they did the dirty deed, the real Odolwa trudged through the sludge of the swamp, his eyes constantly moving. His sword was drawn, waiting to impale his yet to be revealed enemies.

He saw movement, a brief shot of white fur. With a cry the jungle warrior stabbed into the trees, barely missing the monkey. The simian climbed to the top of another tree, sitting just out of Odolwa's reach.

"What are you doing?" the monkey cried, his fur on end.

Odolwa brought up his blade, raising it to eye level and staring down it at the chimp. "I know what you and your brothers are planning. You're going to take over the world!"

The monkey blinked, not expecting him to announce this. Slowly, it smiled. "Well done sir, well done! You have seen through-"

"TO FUCK WITH WORD TALK! DIE NOW!" He leapt, slicing down at it. The monkey cart wheeled to the side, landing on another tree.

"You're quite the violent oaf. I don't think I'll-"

"STOP STOPPING FIGHT TO TALK!" Odolwa kicked the tree over, sending it and the startled monkey crashing to the water. The toxic water burned the weaker animal's skin, slowly killing him. With the monkey dead Odolwa struck a heroic pose before beginning to search for the next.

-Northern Mountains-

As Twinmold finished up in the south King Dodongo trailed through the snow of the north, knowing he had to work before the worms arrived. The Goron Elder was frozen on top of a lake and would die if he didn't get there as fast as he possibly could.

"So, how have things been since I left?"

The Dodongo left in charge of Dodongo's Tavern looked up from his book of mad libs. "When did you leave?"

"To you it was probably an hour or two ago."

"So you're asking if anything happened between five and seven a.m."

"Exactly."

The Dodongo closed his book. "According to this, '_King Dodongo_ decided to _burn_ _fire_ so he could _die_ his _face_'."

"You aren't very good at those."

"No I am not."

-Great Bay-

Two Gerudo pirates stood at attention, their primitive motorboat doing regulated laps around the area. The morning shift was always silent. The loud, daytime sea life had yet to awaken and the nocturnal fish had all gone to sleep. There was nothing to do but stare at the blank ocean.

One pirate turned to the other. "Did you hear about what happened to Lisa?"

The other pirate raised an eyebrow. "No. What happened?" she asked.

The first pirate began to spin her pike in place. "Got eaten by sea snakes on the last expedition."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Hm. That sucks."

"Yup."

They said nothing for a moment.

"So is anything-"

"Aveil's claimed all of her stuff."

"Oh."

"Yup."

Their fascinating conversation was cut short when the boat began to shake. The water around them began to ripple. "Is that normal?"

"No."

"What do we do?"

"I dunno."

A large tendril of water formed, smashing the boat in half. "Shut up already!" Morpha roared from inside the limb. More tentacles rose across the area, tearing through the Gerudo ships and smashing at the metal wall of the fortress. He ignored the fleeing pirates in exchange for focusing on his devastation. "No one can stop the God of the Seas, HA HA HA HA HA!"

A hand tapped Morpha in an effort to catch his attention. Having somehow missed the owner's approach he turned, seeing an enormous, muscular man with a large beard, a trident and a fish tail for his lower body floating in the water. "I don't believe we've been properly introduced. My name is Poseidon and I am the God of the Seas. You have been violating the copyright of my title for the last two years and I plan to get my rightful compensation."

Morpha was at a loss of words. He stuttered for a few seconds, eventually forming, "What the hell?"

"I'm afraid hell has also been trademarked. We will see you in court next Wednesday." Poseidon stuck a piece of paper into the tendril and raised his trident, disappearing in a flash of light.

"...What the hell?"

-Ikana Graveyard-

A shovel swung through the air, weakly driving back the bats that bothered the gravedigger. "Screw off!" Dampe shouted. The metal head eventually hit one of the pests, sending it painfully to the ground.

"Allow me to handle this." A floating blue head entered Dampe's vision, breathing a horrid looking green plume onto one of the flying rodents. It weezed, falling to the ground in agony. The other bats took the hint and fled, not wishing to share their companion's fate.

Igos nodded at the stunned gravedigger. "It's always a pleasure to help the citizens." He floated further into the graveyard, leaving Dampe alone and confused.

He poked the now dead bat with his shovel. "I need to get me one of those..."

Igos flew to the highest area, stopping before the heap of lifeless bones that was Skull Keeta. "I know you can hear me Captain Keeta. Open your eyes."

Light formed in the empty sockets of the enormous skull. "My king? Is that you?"

"Yes. Captain Keeta, I'm sure you know by now that the war is over. We are all long dead and have no place in this world so full of life. I do not want you to sit here until your bones are dust, waiting for a challenger to put your spirit to rest. My friend, you must move on from your own will, not the will of others. I will spread the word to the soldiers tonight. Please, do not linger among this painful world."

Keeta looked up, meeting the eyes of his king. "Why are you a blue head?"

"Were you even listening to what I was saying?"

Keeta stuck a finger in his ear canal, pulling out years of dust and dirt. "Sorry sir. I'm a bit groggy right now. I just woke up. Why are you a blue head?"

-Ikana Canyon-

"I stand by my claim of not wanting to help any of you in the slightest."

Valvogia chuckled at the fish's continued resistance. "That's fine. You're just here to do one thing, something for _me_."

Gyorg's curiosity rose when they approached the cave of the dried up Ikana spring. "How the hell will _I_ deal with him?" Valvogia chuckled but did not answer.

As predicted, Sharp appeared once they reached the deepest area of the cave. "Who are you living to defile this land of death? You do not belong here."

Valvogia did not vocally respond. He grinned, tossing Gyorg into the small pool in the chamber's centre. Sharp scowled, unimpressed. "This well will remain dry as long as my orders last. The king himself has-"

From the depths of the puddle sprung the gargantuan fish Gyorg, his wide mouth quickly surrounding Sharp. With a snap the Poe was trapped; he was at Gyorg's mercy. Gyorg fell back to the stone, cracking the ground on impact.

Volvagia slithered to Gyorg's jutting teeth, putting his mouth almost against them. "It's time for you and me to have a little talk about _you_. We're going to make a deal."

-West Clock Town-

The banker shuddered in ecstasy when Link plopped what had to be at least seven hundred rupees on his desk. Both of his wallets were full. There was no more grass in Termina Field. "I'm here to make a deposit."

Only Tatl was listening to his words. The banker was pressing his face against the overflowing leather, breathing in the scent of natural money. "This is more money than anyone has ever given me at once," he gasped, salivating on Link's wallet. "I must put it inside of my tight, stuffed, horribly overused stock room."

"That's fantastic." Tatl fluttered around Link's head. She refused to even look at the deranged civil servant. "Are we done here?"

The banker looked in the wallets. "Seven hundred and two altogether. This brings your total up to... two thousand, eight hundred and forty four!" He began to gasp heavily. "Never before has my rupee harem obtained such a large contribution. I, I need to lie down. OoOoOoh, I feel light headed."

Link heard a light slap behind his head. "Tatl? Are you okay?"

"Just facepalming, Link."

-South Clock Town-

"So what we are doing is going around Clock Town solving general problems," Phantom summarized.

"Yes," Navi answered. "Though I already knew that since I'm the one who gave us the mission meaning I have no idea why you said that."

"I'm simply establishing it, just in case."

Navi sighed. "Despite this, you're still one of the most normal ones in the group."

"I know I am."

"WAIT, GET AWAY FROM THAT FLOWER!"

Their attention was drawn to the sky. A business scrub flew down at rapid speeds, his eyes set on the yellow flower they were about to casually walk beside without care. The scrub blasted into the flower's depths, glaring at them as though they had eaten his family. "Don't go near my flower without my permission!"

The ghost and fairy glanced at each other before returning gaze to the scrub. "Sir, we don't really care about your flower," Navi said.

"_I_ care about my flower! It's all I have in the world because my marriage is falling apart and the only thing that will help is a Moon's Tear!" The scrub burst into tears, producing the noise or a thousand dying cows.

-West Clock Town-

Having just a bit more time to kill until they could begin their quest, Link and Tatl ventured into the Trading Post to see if there was anything worth buying. He filled up his bottles with fairies and proceeded toward the door.

A scarecrow stuck its head in his path. "Hello you! You look like someone who appreciates the art of dancing 'til the sun falls! Or I could teach ya a song to slow down time!"

"The second one sounds great!" Link exclaimed. He held his ocarina to his lips, waiting.

The scarecrow spun in place, tapping its chin in contemplation. "Weeeell, I don't know it personally, but I heard that if you find a song that controls time and play it backwards you'll be able to slow time down."

"Shouldn't that send you forward?" Tatl questioned.

A laugh was her answer. "Silly fairy, this is magic! It doesn't need to make sense."

"He's right."

"Shut up and play the damn song."

It took several minutes to get it right, but Link was finally able to slow the flow of time. The effects were immediate. The man behind the shop counter flipped the pages of his book at less than half the speed. The scarecrow's wobbling became a steady waver. He could actually see the fluttering of Tatl's wings.

"I... don't... see... a... difference..." Tatl's voice came out slow and distorted; it took all of Link's effort to make out a sentence.

"Tatl, I think you're slowed too."

"Holy... shit... Link... what... the... fuck... did... you... just... say...?"

The scarecrow slowly spun around. "He's... seeing... the... world... at... less... than... half... speed..."

"Link... make... things... regular..."

He scratched his head, looking at the instrument. "How do I do that?"

Tatl sighed very slowly at his confounded expression. "Just... play... it... again..."

-Oceanside Spider House-

For just a second time seemed to be different, slower almost, but then it returned to its normal flow. Shrugging, Gohma looked around the large library in an attempt to find the many gold arachnids that inhabited it. "Spiders, assemble!"

The golden skulltulas crawled from their hiding spots, lining up before the spider queen. "You are hereby ordered to kill yourselves. Dismissed."

The skulltulas saluted her before tearing themselves the pieces. She nodded in approval before moving on to the next room.

-Great Bay Temple-

"Koume, I found another one, eh he he!"

Koume's exasperation toward her sister was steadily rising. "That's great, Kotake, now move on to-"

"Seven down, eight to go! Eh he he heee!"

-East Clock Town-

"I can't believe how long it took for you to play that useless song again."

"I bit my tongue, it wasn't my fault Tatl. And it's not useless. That song would have been very useful before."

"Right _now_ it's useless because we _want_ time to pass quickly so we can get this mission started!"

This was the argument that carried into the lobby of the Stock Pot Inn. Anju stared as the bickering child and fairy approached the front desk, cutting their argument off to announce their reservation. "Trust me, we have one." Tatl was not in a good mood.

Immediately after receiving the key, Tatl smacked Link upside the head. He donned Kafei's Mask, making Anju gasp. "We know. We'll meet you in the kitchen at midnight." Tatl flew toward the stairs, pulling Link by the hat.

-In the graves-

Igos calmly approached the attentive Iron Knuckle, knowing he had nothing to fear from it. It could not harm him. "I seek the spirit of the composer Flat," he said. "Release him."

"None shall pass." A voice echoed from the dark monster's helm, momentarily confusing Igos.

"Excuse me?"

"None shall pass," it repeated.

"I have two very large problems with the current situation. First, you aren't supposed to be able to talk. Second, I do not have a body and thus cannot act out the skit you are referencing. Now release Flat immediately."

The Knuckle was quiet for a moment. "Your mother sucks cocks in hell."

"Get out of the Knuckle."

The suit fell apart, the metal parting to reveal a horned fish known to the general public as Gyorg. "Hello."

"Hello. How did you get down here?"

From the shadows slithered Valvogia; he curled around the disembodied head, hissing, "We have already dealt with both composer brothers."

"Good. I suppose that means it's time to take on me."

"Yes," the dragon hissed. "It is time to kick your ass again."

-South Clock Town-

Phantom dropped the Moon's Tear at the business scrub's feet. "Here's your trinket."

The scrub scooped up the deed, eyes wide. "It's even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined! My wife will _love_ this. Here, have the land title deed for this flower. It's quite envied among the Deku population, you'd definitely be able to sell it to another Deku for a lot of money!"

-Deep Underwater-

"YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM MIGHTY BARINADE!" Barinade plummeted into the depths of the snake nest, bringing his hammer down on the neck of a half asleep serpent. He latched his tentacles on the side of its head, shocked it to death, and jumped onto the wall above.

The other snakes sat in their holes, uncaring of the events outside. Barinade took advantage of their laziness by picking the beasts off one at a time until not a single one remained. He picked up the three eggs, cackling wildly. "I, BARINADE, am the victor once again! HA HA HA HA HAAaa... I wonder how Morpha's doing."

Morpha was doing very well.

The seahorse cautiously swam to Barinade. "T, thank you for clearing out those sea snakes," he stuttered. One of the decapitated heads landed softly next to him. Blood still leaked from where Barinade had ripped the snake apart, tinting the water around it with a pinkish colour.

"You chose the right being to be your salvation. Barinade completes all that is tasked to him in record time."

"But you came to me..."

"BARINADE ACCEPTS YOUR THANKS!"

-High in the sky-

The Twinmold worms flew above the clouds, making great time as they soared toward Snowhead. They had finished Odolwa in seconds and Goht would be no different.

"Hey brother," the red worm began.

"Yes?"

"What are we going to do when we reach ourselves?"

"We will kill ourselves."

"I was hoping for more of a strategy than 'fight and win'!"

"And I hope to grab the moon and beat you over the skull with it. We all hope for many things."

-Southern Swamp-

Navi and Phantom landed beside a suave looking business scrub who stood at attention, twirling his leafy moustache. "Hello, welcome, welcome and welcome! You're not from around here, are you? I sell magic beans at a fantastic price of forty rupees per bean. How many do you want? Twelve? Twenty six? Seventy four? All can be done! Buy now and when I get enough money to open a shop in Clock Town, you'll be the first to know!"

Phantom wordlessly pulled out the Clock Town land deed. The scrub's eyes widened and he began to salivate whatever syrupy liquid resided in the mouths of Dekus.

"Oooo! I wish you'd let me have that! I'll give you a land deed for this flower that I'm sure you can sell to another scrub for tons of cash!"

-Night of the First Day, Stone Tower-

From atop the enormous structure Ganondorf could see most of the land. He could see past the edge of Ikana, as far as the northern mountains and Snowhead. The great Clock Tower spun, its brilliant spotlight leaving streaks across the land around it. Beautfiful stars shimmered in the distant ocean. "I hate everything I see." Of course, Ganondorf was a cynical bastard so his opinion of the view was quite biased.

"Oh come now, it's rather nice up here."

The king of evil jerked his head around, glaring at the sudden intruder. "It's you."

"Yes, it's me."

His glare intensified. "I cannot remember your name."

The owl clicked his beak, turning his own head upside down. "My name is Kaepora Gaebora. I am an observer, and I also owe a lot of people a lot of money but that is beside the point."

Ganondorf looked the owl up and down. He stood perched upon the very peak of the tower, standing casually on one leg, looking down at the Gerudo King. "Can I call you K.G.?"

Kaepora sighed. "No."

"What about Kilogram?"

"NO."

"Kae Gae?"

"MY NAME IS KAEPORA GAEBORA! If that is too much for your pea sized mind to understand, call me Kaepora."

"I'm going to call you Kae Gae."

"THEN I AM DUBBING YOU PATRICK."

"Patrick sounds nice." Ganondorf ducked back, barely avoiding having an eye impaled by the owl's very sharp talons. "Now that was just rude."


	42. Tying Ends

_If I had known this chapter was going to be this long, I'd have split the two further down. Oh well, the longer the better. We're almost at the home stretch!_

_Published July 3, 2011 _

**Tying Ends**

"What do you want?" Ganondorf queried upon the giant owl.

"Nothing, I'm simply here to enjoy the view." Kaepora lowered his head and began to clean one of his wings. Ganondorf sighed, looking out at the landscape he hated so much.

- Romani Ranch-

"It's happening AGAIN!" Link screamed as he fired arrows randomly, striking _them_ as _they_ slowly approached the barn.

Romani and Tatl both smacked him upside the head. "Stop wasting arrows!" both snapped.

Link's eyes jerked around, looking in random directions. "But they're everywhere!"

Romani quickly scanned the battlefield. "I only see six," the young farmhand told him.

"I'm taller. I can see more." She smacked him again.

"Don't be ridiculous." She raised herself onto the tips of her toes. "I only... Well now I see about a hundred more. That's not good."

_Their_ numbers were cut down to half when Goht tore through _them_, stampeding through the swarm. She picked one up in her horns, flinging it through six others. "**Exterminate. Exterminate.**"

A joyful smile took over Link's previously terrified face. "She's having so much fun."

-Atop Stone Tower-

Kaepora broke the hour long silence. "So, planning on killing Link, taking the ocarina and getting the Triforce for yourself?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"You don't seem very curious on how I know this."

The dark lord shrugged, nonchalant in posture. "It's not really a big secret. I thought everyone knew."

The owl plucked a broken feather from his wing. "How are you planning on doing this?"

"I truly don't know."

Kaepora continued cleaning his wings for a moment. Ganondorf thought he was done, but then he spoke once more. "It would probably help if Majora was defeated first. The world wouldn't be in ruins after all."

Ganondorf sighed. "I suppose I should help with that."

"Good."

"Is that all you came here for?"

"Basically, yes."

-Dawn of the Second Day, Goron Village-

It didn't take very long to pinpoint the large yellow flower among the bright snow banks of the mountain. An irate business scrub was drawing an immature picture in the snow with a stick. "How would you like to move down south?" Navi asked, sounding like a clichéd salesman.

"I would love it! If you sell me a place down there, I'll give you this flower in return!"

Phantom sighed, muttering to himself, "Are we ever going to get any money out of this?"

-East Clock Town-

Having done everything they could up to that point, Tatl was showing Link some of the tourist attractions of Clock Town. "That's the Shooting Gallery. It looks pretty fun, but I've never participated since I can't really hold a bow and all that. I can't remember what that place is called but they let you throw Bombchus so Skull Kid went there a _lot_. That's the place with a maze that springs up in front of you so if you try it you'll probably break your nose six times in a minute. That's the postman running in your direction and most likely planning to tackle you out of the way so his schedule will be uninterrupted."

Link looked at the dozens of businesses devoted purely to fun with awe. "What was that last one?"

"YOUR PRESENCE DISRUPTS THE SCHEDULE! YOU MUST BE ERASED!"

"W-"

By the time Link awakened the postman was long gone. Tatl sat on his face, munching on a cucco leg. Upon feeling him shift she flew up, lazily observing his faintness. She tossed down a napkin to wipe the blood and grime from his face with. "I can't believe that the postman one hit KOed you. Now get up. It's time to meet Kafei."

-One already written meeting later-

They left the back area of the Curiosity Shop, still lacking the idea of what to do. Link fiddled with the pendant they were gifted. "This is where we kinda lost interest last time," Tatl reported. "If only we knew more details..."

"Last time, the shop owner said something about a prancing bald man selling weird things. I guess that's our lead."

Tatl tapped her chin, thinking of any bald man sightings. "Wasn't that the guy who tried to steal the bomb bag- Aw damn, we forgot to stop that one."

"She'll live. Besides, I know where _he_ lives! He's from Ikana!"

"What makes you say that?"

Link picked up a nearby stick and began to draw in the dirt. As he made his indecipherable scribbles, he explained, "When we were walking through Ikana, I noticed a part of the cliff wall had cracks in certain areas, almost like a doorway. It was a hiding place, and who hides things? Thieves. Who was that prancing bald man? A thief. That means that _he_ was hiding things in a wall in Ikana! And I saw him sitting on a rock nearby drinking milk."

Tatl smacked him over the head. "You could have just said the last part!"

"But I was told that having exposition was very important to a story..."

"You were told wrong."

-Pirate Fortress-

All across the fortress, the pirates battled against the invading water. They struck at the water with their pikes, trying to drive it back. "MY SPEAR JUST KEEPS GOING THROUGH IT!" one pirate screeched as she stabbed haplessly at the water. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" She ran into a wall, knocking herself out.

"Saw that coming from a mile away," another grunted.

Morpha hovered in the epicentre of the madness, his laughter rippling along the enormous tentacles. They tore apart the Gerudo base, blasting through wood and metal. "None of you can withstand the power of the MASTER OF THE OCEAN!"

A spear broke the surface, stabbing into his side. "Um, OW."

"Aim for the core!" Aveil's voice echoed across the battlefield, reaching all of her underlings. "I cannot believe you people are so blind that you can't see the big ball floating and yelling in the middle! Seriously!"

Morpha forced the weapon from his body. "What do you fools expect to accomplish? I am far too agile to be hit again!"

Aveil turned her head and yelled at another pirate. "Grab the hookshot! We're yanking him out of there."

"All righty, this is about to get into an area that I am not very comfortable with. I shall end this battle before you even get the chance to-" The last Zora egg was pulled along his tendril, resting below his core with the other three. "That's all of 'em, bye!"

-Night of the Second Day, Romani Ranch-

Link appeared before Romani and Cremia in a flash of light. He lowered the ocarina, smiling. "Hi!"

Cremia raised an eyebrow. "If this wasn't a world where magic is an everyday occurrence, I'd be pretty confused right now. Thank the goddesses I am not. Let's go."

The wagon set off down Milk Road. Just like before, it was a bumpy and uncomfortable ride. Also like before, the road was blocked off by a large fence. Cremia steered the wagon into the Gorman Ranch, muttering to herself. "I swear, someday I'm going to take a pitchfork to their eyes... Take out your bow. Things are going to get violent in a minute."

Link smiled knowingly. It was something Tatl had never seen on his face before, inspiring genuine fear. "I have things covered."

"Still, just in case..." She reached back to him, handling an unlit Molotov cocktail. "You'll know what it's for when I tell you," she said upon seeing his confused face. "I'll give you a hint: fire and pain."

"You scare me sometimes."

"That just means I'm doing my job right. It you hit the eyes or the groin then tell me because I will find that hilarious."

Just like before, the Gorman Bros came at them wearing Garo's Masks and holding their pitchforks high. Link leaned back, folding his arms behind his head and closing his eyes. Several seconds later, two yelps signalled the end of their pursuit.

The brothers were paralyzed with fear as Bongo Bongo held them tightly, staring into their hidden eyes with his own. "Hello. My name is Bongo Bongo. It is a silly name, but you aren't laughing. Why is that? Is it because you're being held in the air by a bloody, one eyed ghost monster? I thought so. Sir, if you piss in my hand I will squeeze you until your head bloats up like a balloon."

His single eyelid blinked, his gaze switching between the petrified brothers. "Do you enjoy pestering the ranch sisters?" They immediately shook their heads with such force that Bongo Bongo was shocked that their necks were still intact. "I thought not. If you don't enjoy it, I assume you will not do it anymore in the future. Do I assume correctly?" They nodded fast enough for their masks to fly from their heads. "Then we have reached a conclusion. I hope you remember this conversation the next time you consider doing so. Have a nice night."

He released them, letting them fall to the racetrack ground. The two brothers quickly scampered to their feet, sprinting past their calm horses as fast as physically possible. If Bongo Bongo had a mouth, he would have smiled before fading into invisibility. "Remember to get eight to ten hours of sleep and have a healthy breakfast tomorrow morning," the invisible monster shouted.

Far ahead, the wagon was just leaving the racetrack. "I didn't hear anything," Cremia said. "Did they mess up and stab each other in the throat?"

"Their horses tripped," Tatl told her. "They're in a world of pain right now."

The ranch owner cackled. "Excellent."

They arrived at the southern gate of Clock Town. "Thanks for keeping me company. It's good to have someone to talk to on the ride. I used to bring my little sis along, but, well, she's about as oblivious as he is when it comes to the stuff I talk about."

Tatl nodded, smiling cheerfully. "No problem. It was great to have someone competent to talk to."

Meanwhile, Link was still confused by the conversation he had been witness to. "What's 'The Shocker' and why is it called that?"

Tatl gave him a pat on the head. "I'll tell you when you're older. What am I saying? No I won't..."

Cremia loudly cleared her throat. "ANYWAY, as a sign of my thanks, I'll give you something that lets you get into the Milk Bar." He began to reach into the wagon.

"Have it!" Link held up the cow shaped mask with pride.

"Oh... In that case, you get huggles. HUG!" Cremia gave him a nice, warm hug and then set off, steering her cart back to the ranch.

Tatl floated over to Link, grinning to herself. "So how'd you like the hug?"

"Tatl, can you hug me too?"

"Ha ha... No."

-Deku Palace-

Having cleared out every spider that annoyed her, Gohma decided to go back to being worshipped by the Deku Scrubs. She lay back on her enormous throne, enjoying the feeling of the idiotic plants cleaning her tail. "That's right oblivious fools, clean your god."

One of the scrubs roughly nudged another. "Did our god just call us oblivious fools?"

"Sounded like it."

This moment of serenity was abruptly ended. The wall burst inwards, a silhouetted swordsman standing among the ruin. Gohma glared at the intruder. "What are you doing?"

"Where is the monkey?"

She sighed. "I ate it the second I arrived. Go back into the mud, jungle boy."

-Zora Hall-

It took time, bribes, and a large amount of fetch quests, but Navi and Phantom Ganon were eventually directed to the local business scrub. This scrub was already packed up and appeared ready to move out. "Sorry, closing up business," the scrub reported. "Everyone in the area has my stuff and it's just unprofitable to stick around."

Ignoring the fact that they never asked why he was closing his outlet, Phantom pulled out the mountain land deed. The scrub's eyes lit up.

"Let me guess, we get your flower," Navi interrupted, knowing where this was going.

"Bingo!"

Outside, Morpha emerged from the ocean and plopped down in front of Lulu. "All right, not really sure how I'm going to do this... Um..." He hummed the New Wave Bossa Nova, but Lulu did not react. "Fuck it, plan B."

Returning to the depths of the bay, he summoned a tentacle of water and grabbed Lulu. She screamed as he pulled her, setting off on a voyage to the marine laboratory. He plopped her down in front of the door, pulled it open and pushed her inside. "Your kiddies are in there, now TALK." He slammed it shut and returned to the cape for phase two.

With an enormous wave he blasted the sleeping turtle, bringing it back to the land of the awakened. The turtle groaned, yawning loudly and sending a semi-conscious glare at the ball. "What are you doing?"

"I'm waking you up!"

"...Why?"

"BECAUSE YOU WOKE UP LAST TIME!"

Their conversation was cut off by another cry, this one unleashed from the Great Bay Temple in the distance. "I am tired of these goddamn valves!"

The top of the temple exploded, the red Twinmold bursting forth. "No more! NONE!" He stabbed his tail into the hole, pulling out this timeline's now impaled Gyorg. He threw him into the air, lunged, and tore the fish in half with his pincers. "Fuck that place and everything it stands for!"

If the blue brother could facepalm, he would have. He settled for sighing. "You capacity for indifference, this time toward the destruction of a pollution spewing industrial complex never ceases to astound me."

-Stock Pot Inn-

Link looked at a door with interest. "I've never been in here before."

"You're going to trespass out of curiosity, aren't you?"

"Yup!" Link entered the room.

Inside was a small study, the walls lined with filled bookshelves. On the left, next to a small, lit fireplace sat an old woman, her hair incredibly grey and her nose incredibly long, drooping past her mouth. "Oh dear god," Tatl whispered, her eyes glued to the nose.

The woman looked up. "Oh, Tortus. Did you finish helping father?"

"I'm not Tortus, I'm Link," the Hylian told her.

She laughed. "You and your games Tortus. Come, let mother read you a story."

Being Link, the concept of being told a story instantly won over any common sense. He plopped down at her feet, excitedly waiting. She opened the book to a page near the middle. "This one is called 'The Four Giants'. It's quite long so I'll read it with extra gusto." She cleared her throat.

"A long time ago, in a land so far away that the universe went full circle and ended up back here in Termina, all the people of the world lived together and were not segregated into the racial kingdoms like they are now. The four giants lived among them, of course.

"Every year during the harvest celebrating festival, the giants spoke to the people. However, no one could ever understand what they said as they spoke in identical sounding roars to naturally they were scared and confused. Those were dark, dark times for the land.

"One day, someone learned to translate the language of the giants. They said, on that day, 'We have chosen to guard the people while we sleep. One hundred steps north, one hundred steps south, one hundred steps east, one hundred steps west. If you have need, call us in a loud voice by declaring something important, such as _the mountain blizzard has trapped us_ or _help, the moon is falling_. Your cries shall carry to us.'

"At first, the people of the land did not think this would affect them very much. Only after the giants started walking did they remember that they have at least a half kilometre in every step.

"But there was one who was more shocked and saddened by this than anyone else. The little imp who had been a friend of the giants since before they had split the land into four. He did not want them to leave, he begged them to stay. He felt neglected and betrayed, so he spread his anger across the four lands, wronging the people over and over. He would steal their possessions, he would break their items, he would capture Bombchus and let them loose in the women's locker room."

Tatl snickered, tenting her fingers mischievously at the last one.

"Overwhelmed with misfortune, the people sang to the giants for help. The giants heard their cries and responded with a roar. 'Oh imp. Oh imp. We are the protectors of the people.' They told him to leave the four lands or they would tear him apart, claiming, 'That'll learn him.' Frightened and saddened, the imp left the lands. The people rejoiced, worshipping the giants as gods. And they lived happily ever after..." She closed the book. "Wasn't that a fun story, Tortus?"

"Hold up a minute," Tatl interjected. "I understand worshipping the giants because they're, well, giants and obviously have a lot of power racked up inside of them. But are you telling me that they're seen as idols because they told an imp to fuck off?"

"That's right Tortus!"

"This place is stupid."

-Ancient Castle of Ikana-

Igos floated in a corner, repeatedly ramming his face into the wall as Cranius and Stoneson's heads took part in their usual ritual. "I even made an alphabet to describe how feeble you are," Stoneson, the thin head, told his irritated cohort. "A is for abysmal, B is for brainless, C is for crappy, D is for dipshit, E is for emaciated, F is for frail, G is for-"

"ENOUGH!" Both heads of Igos du Ikana broke, their patience snapping simultaneously. "I have had enough of the two of you constantly having shouting matches!"

-Night of the Final Day, Laundry Pool-

Link and Tatl left the Curiosity Shop's back door. He tucked the letter to Kafei's mother into his pouch. "Now that we can get where we need to, we should meet up with Kafei," Tatl said. "To Ikana!"

-Ikana Canyon-

One stone at a time – that was what Odolwa kept telling himself as he climbed out of the river. The last monkey was tricky. It had thought it could lose him by climbing the waterfall and swimming into Ikana Canyon, but how wrong it was!

On the cliff top sat a single, long dead tree. On the single, long dead tree sat a carefree, soon to die monkey. Then Odolwa skewered it, making it into a single, freshly deceased monkey. And there was much rejoicing.

He took a seat upon the cliff's edge, wiping some sweat from his palms. "And that's the end of that chapter." His gaze fell to the perfectly functioning waterfall, and then to the Gossip Stone sitting on a ledge just past it. Curiosity peaked, he pulled out the Mask of Truth and hopped down to the magical construct, donning the mask.

Odolwa stood next to the stone with his hands on his hips, having no idea what to do. "Um... Hi?"

"Hello."

He jumped, not expecting an immediately response from the Gossip Stone. It had not moved, the voice didn't even seem to be coming from it. It went straight into his mind. "So, uh, you're a Gossip Stone or something like that, right?"

"Yes I am, and I have been waiting for you since my creation."

He blinked. "Really?"

"Yes. Not you in particular, but _anyone_ to talk to. It's lonely being a rock."

"I can imagine." He plucked the Gossip Stone from the ground, carrying it under his arm. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

The stone chuckled. "Indeed. Hopefully we'll be able to avoid having a rocky start." Odolwa stared at it. "Sorry."

Meanwhile, Link and Tatl had just arrived in the area. They approached Sakon's hideout, barely catching Kafei ducking behind a rock. Link hopped over it. "Hi."

The man turned boy was obviously not expecting their presence, but if the small smile said anything it was that he appreciated some back up. "He's here. Apparently, he uses this place as a safe house for keeping his stolen goods. He came to the shop last night, and I followed him."

Tatl rapped her fingers on the rock, evidently thinking hard about something. Eventually, she asked, "How did you climb the vertical stone cliff?"

He blinked, taken aback. "I didn't. I used the path." The blue haired boy slowly pointed to a rocky slope, hidden behind a few well placed boulders. "Who would try to climb the cliff?"

A small sound emanated from Tatl. Link wasn't sure what it was, or what caused it, but it was the sound of something breaking. She looked physically fine to him, but he asked just in case. "Tatl, are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Are you sure? I thought-"

"Yes."

Just around the corner from the triad, Phantom Ganon and Navi had found a fifth business scrub. The deed was wordlessly dropped in front of the flower. "Get out," Navi grunted.

The scrub jumped in joy, crying, "This is the perfect locale for my shop. The only business I get around here is that dancing-"

"We don't care," the fairy snapped. "Now give us the land deed."

The scrub stopped his dance, tilting his head in confusion. "Land deed? This place is outside of the Deku Agreement of Generalized Land Distribution. No deed required. If you'd like, I can give you this orange rupee instead. It's worth two hundred rupees. I hope it's worth this land."

"I'm taking it." Phantom snatched the orange rupee. "It's fine."

"Really? I could get you-"

"It's fine!"

-A few minutes later-

It did not take long for Sakon to prance around the cliff, his bald head reflecting the terrifying moon and a giant grin on his face. "No new loot today, my fabulous hideout. Ah well, there's more to do another-r-r-r day!" Why he was talking to the wall and rolling his R's was a mystery to them. They heard the rock slide open, Sakon whistling as he pranced inside.

"Now's our chance!" Like a ninja, Kafei ran into the darkness.

Tatl rolled her eyes. "Really? I never would have guessed with the fact that he left it opened for us."

They followed the man and the child.

Phantom and Navi watched their invasion from the cliff top. "I wonder where they're going," the ghost pondered. "Shall we follow?"

"We shall."

Even though Kafei had a slight head start, Link's fitness level allowed him to catch up in just a few seconds. They entered the next door together, arriving in a room full of stolen possessions. Among the clutter and ill-obtained goods was the stolen mask, the Sun's Mask, held inside a glass casing. "There it is!" Kafei ran forward, stepping on an incredibly obvious switch. The mask began to slide down a now active conveyer belt, disappearing into the next room. At the same time, a door opened.

"Smooth," Tatl sighed.

Kafei ran to the open door only for it to close when his weight left the switch. The pieces came together in his head. "Stand on the switch!"

Just as Tatl opened her mouth to snap about being ordered around, Link exclaimed, "Okay!" and stepped onto the blue panel. The door opened and Kafei ran inside.

"Link, if you're a hero you don't let other people just order you around like that."

He tilted his head. "Why not?"

"Because it's undignified."

A door on the other side of the room opened up. "I solved the puzzle on this side," Kafei shouted from within. "Hurry and do your side so we can move forward. The mask is heading into a hole, he's trying to make a getaway!"

"Okay!"

"Also, there are three types of switches on this side. Blue opens the door, red makes it move faster and yellow slower. Don't step on any red switches!"

"Okay!"

Link ran into the room only to find that the floor was one giant red switch. "Um... I don't know what to do!"

While they struggled through Sakon's increasingly cruel trials, Phantom and Navi wandered into the area. As usual, it did not take the spectre long to analyze the situation. "It looks like that mask will fall down the hole if they don't reach the end in time. To do that, they need to solve a gauntlet of challenges of escalating difficulty before they run out of time."

"Should we help them?"

Phantom let out a great sigh. "I'm going to take a page from Kingy's book."

"Break shit up?"

"Break shit up."

Just as Link put his sword through a Deku Baba and Kafei pushed a block onto a yellow switch, the sound of shattering glass reached their ears. Phatom casually walked along the top of the glass covering the conveyor belt, dragging his staff sluggishly behind him. The magic metal tore into the flimsy glass. He stopped just past the mask, reached in and pulled it out. "Got it." He handed it over to Kafei.

Though he was rather shocked by the sudden appearance of the giant floating man, Kafei accepted the mask with glee. "I might be able to make it back to town in time!" He ran out of the hideout.

-Outside-

"The Fierce Deity Mask, a mask that contains the merits of all masks, seems to be... somewhere in this world..."

Odolwa paused, staring down at the Gossip Stone. "That's really specific. You might as well have told me to find the rupee in the bank that has a scratch on it!"

If the stone had shoulders and movement capabilities, it would shrug at him. "That was all I was told. In fact, it's the only thing I know about the world. It's lonely, sitting around stoned all day."

Before Odolwa could come up with a fitting response Kafei ran past them, paying no attention to the giant tattooed warrior with a three metre long sword. "That was odd."

Link, Tatl, Navi and Phantom soon followed, running into the two. "What's that?" Link asked, gesturing at Odolwa's new companion.

"This is a Gossip Stone I befriended," he exclaimed. "He said something about a Fierce Deity Mask. We should look for that."

Tatl growled, her left eye twitching rapidly. "NO! No more masks! Tael now!"

-Midnight of the Final Day, Clock Town-

With their jobs done, everyone gathered before the Clock Tower. Link, Tatl, Navi, Odolwa, Goht, Gyorg, Igos, Twinmold, Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, Koume and Kotake all stood ready.

Link looked up at Gohma. "Gohma, you're a girl, right?"

"Yes..."

"Can you hug me?"

"...Sure."

After using a fairy to heal the lethal and bloody stab wounds the hug placed all over Link's body, it was decided that no one was to hug anyone anymore. So they approached the gate to the top. It was incredibly likely that Skull Kid knew they were there as he was staring at Twinmold with apathy.

"Wait!" Link stopped, his eyes widening in realization.

What sound like a weep of exasperation escaped Tatl's throat. "_What now_?"

"I need to talk to the postman."

"NO YOU DON'T!"

But Link stood firm. "You told me that I can't let other people order me around. So I'm not. I'm going to see the postman."

She began to pull her hair, roaring, "This is different and you know it! That meant little things, like 'stand there' and not 'let's go save teh world guyz'!"

He waved off her plight. "Details, details. I'll be back in a minute!" He ran away from the others, heading into West Clock Town.

The door to the post office was unlocked. Link walked in and immediately saw the man he was looking for. The postman was on the ground, kneeling beside his bed, crying out as he looked upon a large sheet framed on the wall. "I want to flee! I want out, I don't want to die. B-but it's not written on the schedule... What do I do?"

Link pulled out the letter to Kafei's mother and held it to him. "Can you deliver this for me?"

The postman looked up, his eyes widening when he saw the seal on the envelope. His expression hardened and he went into business mode. "This is high priority mail. The schedule demands that I must deliver this immediately." He put the letter in a pouch and jogged out the door.

Link followed him, giving the blind with rage Tatl a smile as he passed her. She dove, attempting to tear his head from his shoulders with her bare hands. Sadly, a tremor struck, staggering Link and sending him out of harm's way. Tatl darted through the air where his face had been a second before and collided with a wooden support.

The postman, his mail sense telling him exactly where the recipient of this letter would be, jogged into the Milk Bar without delay. As predicted, Madame Aroma sat on one of the bar stools with a glass of milk in her hand. The postman's bubble sounding shoes caught her attention as he approached with the mail in hand. "I have a delivery for you, postmistress!"

Another tremor struck the town, this one taking out several bar stools. "You're still here?"

The postman's neck violently twitched, his eyes spinning in different directions. "TOMORROW'S DELIVERY IS STILL SCHEDULED!"

"Have you looked up? There won't be a tomorrow for this town!"

"HERE IS YOUR LETTER." He pushed it into her hands.

Madame Aroma sent a doubtful look his way before pulling open the envelope. "Oh my, it's from Kafei!"

"It's priority mail," the postman needlessly stated, smiling scarily. "I had to deliver it immediately. That is what is written on the schedule. The schedule is law."

She sighed. "To think at least something good came in the end... You should flee now. Shoo. That's an order."

A visible surge went through the postman's body. "B-but the schedule says-"

She brought up her hand, silencing him. "Darrel, I'm temporarily relieving you of your duties. You are no longer the schedule's subordinate. You are dismissed."

Without delay, the postman took off. "FUCK YEAH, WOO HOO! I'M FREEEEE!" Link followed.

He ran to the east gate, stopping for a moment to throw his delivery hat into the air and watch it fall on the dirty streets. "From here, my schedule is NOT this place!" He ran out of town, laughing maniacally. Link picked his hat from the ground.

"You got the Postman's Hat!" Odolwa slid from a nearby roof, landing over Link. "This dignified hat allows you to steal the mail without any legal ramifications. It might just suit you..."

"Who'd of thought: the postman was a raving lunatic," Tatl monotonously droned. "Are we done now?"

As if to mock her, Kafei ran in from the same gate and entered the Stock Pot Inn. "Hey, it's a blue haired kid!" Link followed. Tatl screamed. Odolwa laughed. The gossip stone gossiped.

Kafei ran up the stairs to Anju's room as fast as his stubby legs could move. "I'm coming Anju!"

He burst into the room, the door bouncing shut behind him. Link and Tatl entered after him.

The room was empty. "Anju?" Kafei whispered, looking around. "Where is she? I... I thought she would wait when she saw the pendant..."

Another snap. "Link..."

At Tatl's terrifying gaze, he reached into his pouch and pulled out a certain trinket. "Heh heh, oopsie."

-One Song of Soaring later-

"Anju, good to see ya!" Cremia and Romani welcomed the inn owning family with open arms. "If we don't die, the chickens just laid a fresh batch of eggs and I make the most best omelettes _ever_. Seriously, you guys will want to marry me."

Link, Tatl and Kafei appeared in a flash of light, grabbed Anju, and disappeared again.

"Oh drat. Anyway, I have a buffet inside for whoever's hungry!"

"I already ate lunch Tortus."

"That's nice. Go eat."

-Clock Town, twelve minutes remaining-

The heroes and their kidnapped civilian landed in Anju's room. "There," Tatl practically cried. "Now hug and make up! I can't take another single moment of this! I want to go save my brother!"

Anju was predictably confused. "W-what's going on? Why are we... I... I've met you before." She finally saw Kafei, standing at waist height with the Sun's Mask in hand.

"When we were young, we made a promise," Kafei said to her. "The masks of the sun and the moon, we were to exchange them on the Carnival of Time. I'm sorry I was late."

She smiled, kneeling beside him and pulling out the Moon's Mask. "Welcome home." They embraced each other, holding one another for the first time in ages.

Off to the side, Tatl raised an eyebrow. "So they're lovers... but I'm going to say they look more like a mother and son than the other option this entails."

Link looked at her with confusion. "What other option?"

"Pedophilia."

"What's that?"

"Something I never need to be the one to tell you about. I would consider this scene incredibly sweet if I wasn't seething with anger. Now go fairy boy."

Anju and Kafei put their masks together, and in a flash of light a new mask was made. "We have exchanged masks and become a couple," Anju said.

"Creeeepy."

Kafei sighed. "Please don't be like that."

"You obviously don't know me if you think you can request that."

The ground shook again. They could have sworn that the room dropped a few inches. "We don't have much time left," Anju quickly said. "Seeing as you were our witness, please accept this mask."

A fist broke through the window, spreading glass all over the occupants. "You got the Couple's Mask! It's filled with their love."

Link's smile fell as he held the Couple's Mask, seeing that it had no eye holes. "But it's the last mask... Are you sure it can't shoot laser beams?"

"Yes."

"Really sure?"

"One hundred percent. You've got a better chance of squeezing Twinmold into a ball smaller than Morpha."

"Aw..."

* * *

Welcome to a new segment that I'll randomly take part in called:

**WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN**

In this segment, I tell you guys some ideas I had that were never implemented for various reasons. Today's reveal involves this very chapter. Originally, Goht was going to fix all the problems in the mountains that Kingy was too lazy to do, and Bongo Bongo was going to have a conversation with Kaepora that reminded us that he really was an evil motherfucker and was sealed in that well for a reason after all. However, the chapter was getting too long and neither were really necessary so I cut them.


	43. To the Moon

_I start this author note rather shocked. I have been alerted by the ever attentive Kree1865 of THIS: http : / / tvtropes. org /pmwiki /pmwiki .php /FanFic /GroupOfWeirdos without the spaces obviously. I now officially love everyone who contributed to this... Actually, if you're reading this in general, you're on the list. Happy times all around!_

_And ah ha ha, they think "hookshit" is unintentional..._

_Published July 14, 2011 _

**To the Moon**

"Wait!" Link stopped them just as they began to ascend the Clock Tower's stairs. "We should get this Fierce Deity's Mask that Odolwa-"

A large pincer began crushing Link's skull, immediately cutting him off. "That thing is just minutes away from us right now," Gohma hissed. "So we are going to go up there right now, with you in front to take the initial blow, and we are going to _end this_." She released the inept boy.

Link stumbled, rubbing his head and pouting. "But it might be the mask that shoots laser beams."

"There is no mask that shoots laser beams!"

"But-"

"**NO**!" Tatl's enraged scream echoed the thoughts of her cohorts. "No more goddamn masks! We. Have. ENOUGH. Half of these pieces of wood and shit don't even do anything! Bremen's Mask? Ooo, how exciting, we can play a song we could have WITHOUT the mask! Kamaro's Mask? Wow! You can DANCE if you wear this one! Keaton's Mask? Talking to foxes that stalk Tingle, truly a remarkable feat! Circus Leader's Mask? We never even found out what the hell THAT piece of crap does. No. More. MASKS. HEAR ME?" Link frantically nodded. "Good. Up the stairs."

Barely above the Clock Tower, the moon grew closer and closer to its destination. They delayed no longer, swarming the platform below him and his fairy. "Uh, sis? You in there?" Tael asked, trying to locate his sister through the assembly.

Tatl flew just above Odolwa's head. "Right here. And we have the power to stop you Skull Kid. So just end this now and we won't have to kick your ass."

Skull Kid did not answer. His head tilted upwards, glancing at the moon and seemingly ignoring the worms floating just beside it before looking back down at his former fairy, silent.

With a grotesque snort, King Dodongo chuckled at Skull Kid and said, "So THIS is Skull Kid, eh? He's pretty tiny." The dragon blasted a fireball at the floating imp. Simply by swatting his hand it was deflected into a nearby puppy who was begging for food. King Dodongo flinched at their glares. "Whoopsie."

Link put his hand on King Dodongo and walked by, apparently trying to shove the behemoth to the side. "I have this, don't worry."

"Praise be to Nayru," Gohma grunted, rolling her eye. "We're saved."

Link looked up at the imp who had caused immeasurable anguish in his childlike rage. He said, "Skull Kid, this doesn't need to end this way. I haven't even got my mask that shoots lasers yet! Could you please put the moon back until I get it?"

He was met with silence. Even the moon seemed to have developed an even blanker stare.

"Sis?" Tael spoke up once again. "Can you guys, you know, summon the giants... please? Before we die of stupidity or the big rock?"

At the mention of the giants, Skull Kid struck out, swatting Tael halfway across the tower. "Stupid fairy, don't speak out of line!"

Tatl instantly became too enraged for words, so Navi decided to take over. "You have just violated the 'Anti-Fairy Lesser Attitude Charter of Kokiri'. It's a rule put in place to prevent-"

"Oh shut up," Skull Kid snapped, growing tired of their tomfoolery. "Man, I thought you guys would be funny to watch but this has all been pretty boring."

"You are going to _die_ for that!" Tatl hissed, glaring at him with the intensity of a thousand volcanic eruptions. Skull Kid simply laughed, beginning to raise his hands into the air.

"WAIT!" Gyorg began flopping in Odolwa's hand, vying for Skull Kid's attention. "Get me away from these clowns! I don't want to be here! They're a bunch of fucking dolts who probably think two plus two is two! Save meeee!"

Gyorg disappeared from Odolwa's hand. He reappeared roughly one metre away. "There. You're further away from them."

"I WILL SKIN YOU WITH YOUR OWN TEETH."

"That's nice. I'm going to crush you all with the moon now."

"That's not nice."

"I know." Skull Kid threw up his arms, screeching as waves of darkness flowed out of his mask and into the moon. It began to descend even faster, falling right at them.

"And with that, negotiations are over," Bongo Bongo reported. "Link, play the song."

The hero nodded, pulling out his ocarina. "Right. Which song was it again?"

The eye monster, along with several others, facepalmed. "The song the giants taught you."

"Oath to Order," Tatl added.

"Right." Link brought the ocarina to his lips before lowering it again. "How did that go? I haven't played it in a while."

Barinade grabbed him by the face and began to shake the poor kid. "I, BARIANDE, SHALL JOG YOUR MEMORY!" He began to slam Link on the tower's top.

Their resident machine raised a mechanical eyebrow at this. "Logic sensors indicate that this is not helping in any fashion."

"IT IS HELPING BARINADE!"

With one more smack, Link was placed back on his feet. Seeing as he was just smashed into a thick wooden floor over and over, he was not in the best of shape. "My ocarina's hungry for carrots now mommy." He fell on his face.

Barinade pulled him to his feet again, slapping him with the Megaton Hammer a few times. "You MUST remember, Link! The future depends on your remembrance of this single song!"

The hero staggered, his eyes rolling around in their sockets. "Ooookie dokieee." Link played the Bolero of Fire. In a flash of colours, they were all in the heat of Death Mountain's core. "Wow, I still remember that! Cool."

The others were not enjoying this. "WHERE THE HELL ARE WE AND WHY IN THE NAME OF WHATEVER GOD DAMN GOD I WORSHIP IS IT **SO HOT?**" Gyorg screeched.

"I agree with the bass bait. Where are we?" the blue Twinmold queried.

"Home sweet home," Volvagia hissed. He was among the _one_ who enjoyed this revelation.

After playing the Song of Soaring and returning to the top of the Clock Tower, basically everyone was ready to take the ocarina and play random notes, knowing it would probably benefit them more than anything the skirt wearing boy could do.

"Pass it here," Gohma grunted, holding out a pincer.

Link stared at her. "You have no mouth."

"And yet I can do more than you." Link reluctantly handed the ocarina to Gohma, watching intently. She played three noted and then bashed him over the head with it. "Better?"

Fortunately, Barinade's series of blows had already made him quite numb. "Wait, I remember now." Link played the Oath to Order backwards. Evidently, the giants considered this close enough as a gargantuan tremor struck the land, shaking from the mountains of the north to the swamplands of the south, from the ocean of the west to the crags of the east.

A roaring followed. From the four cardinal directions came four distinct roars, all directed at the imp floating in front of them. Even without being able to see his face, they knew that Skull Kid was terrified. The roars grew louder and he began screaming, grabbing his head and thrashing wildly.

As if not wanting to cross between areas, the giants began to fade into existence around them. From the edges of Termina Field they stepped forward three times and were then at the city's edge. They stood still, staring at the falling moon for at least thirty seconds.

"Grab it already!" King Dodongo roared.

The four giants brought up their arms, putting their hands in the air several dozen metres away from the moon and pushing up. Their limbs shook as they tried to hold the colossal weight that they weren't really holding.

"So these are the giants," Volvagia hissed, having lost interest in the struggle above his head. "They certainly don't look very threatening, do they?"

Gyorg was a bit less elegant. "They're a fucking head with arms and legs! They don't even have textures, they're just one colour!"

A soft thud brought attention away from the demigods and the space rock. Skull Kid had collapsed and was now lying motionlessly on the ground, the mask on his face staring right at them. "Well that's creepy," Gohma grunted.

"It's just a mask, lighten up," King Dodongo laughed, giving her a pat on the back which split his palms open. "I need to remember that you're covered in very sharp hair."

"Your carelessness will get you killed!" Barinade shouted, raising his hammer into the air.

"It was just a prick on the palms, I-"

"BARINADE WAS SPEAKING OF THE MASK!" He brought his hammer down, pointing it at the inanimate object. "That thing is _evil_, you hear me? EVIL! THE WORDS OF BARINADE ARE THE TRUTH!"

The four giants let out one final roar before the shaking stopped. Their struggles ceased as the moon's descent came to an abrupt halt, the threat they had worked to stop for innumerable cycles coming to a sudden end. It was done.

"Party at Dodongo's Tavern!" King Dodongo shouted, throwing streamers into the air. "Because I'm feeling fantastic, one drink is only twelve rupees!"

As predicted, Volvagia slithered around his head. "That's doubling the regular price, no?"

"What's your point?"

"SIS!"

"TAEL!"

The two fairies simultaneously decided that things were going to get out of hand very quickly, so they shouted loudly and embraced each other. While to Tael it had only been three days, Tatl had been over a month without seeing her brother.

"Skull Kid went psycho after you left! I don't mean the 'mwahaha' psycho I mean all 'I'm gonna kill you all, whatever' psycho, the one that's really really scary."

Tatl chuckled, patting her brother on the head. "I'm sorry Tael, we're too far in to give you a developed character. So just shush and let the big people do the talking, okay?"

The younger fairy blinked. "Um... Okay."

Tatl glared at the fallen imp. "Can someone wake him up so I can knock him out again? This time there will probably be some goring so find a towel first."

"Will do." King Dodongo cracked his knuckles, walking forward.

"Wait!" Tael flew between the three, holding his arms out. "Don't be so hard on him!"

The blue fairy then became aware that his sister was somehow holding the Great Fairy's Sword, staring into her reflection on the blade. "Don't worry Tael," she said, her voice eerily calm. "He hit you, so I'm going to hit him. That sounds fair, doesn't it? I thought so."

"No no no no no!" Tael swatted the sword from her hand. "He was just a lonely kid who got more power than he could handle."

"The point remains that he was trying to _kill everyone_. That's not something we can excuse for being 'lonely'!"

As the fairies argued, Odolwa picked up Gyorg by the tail. "Are your allegiances still to Mr. Faceplant over there?" He received an immediate response when Gyorg reached up and latched his fangs into the warrior's wrist. Odolwa screamed out, prying him off and indignantly throwing the fish onto the hard floor.

Instead of going into one of his usual rants about being treated worse than one such as him should be, Gyorg just laughed. "Do you idiots really think everything has been wrapped up in such a neat and tidy bow? The best part has yet to come."

The majority of the group glanced at the still Skull Kid. Morpha chuckled, responding with, "I'm sure Count Cackledorf over there is just revving up for a second form, isn't he?" Then, they were met with an unpleasant sight.

"It was the power of the mask that made him do it! It was too much for him to handle!" Tael argued, oblivious to what was occurring to his left.

Tatl irritably groaned, glaring at her brother. "That's because he's a fool with the will power of a schizophrenic carrot!"

"He was certainly a weak fool," said a new voice. "Though I like the term 'schizophrenic carrot'. Once you die I think I'll coin it myself."

"Yeah!" Tatl cheered, encouraging the unknown voice. "That's right, admit your stupidity!" Then she paused, as if her brain had just been jumpstarted. "Wait, what?"

She and Tael joined the others in looking at the spectacle before them. Skull Kid's body dangled in mid air, hanging from the yellow eyed mask.

The mask looked between the two groups; the monsters and the fairy siblings. "Hm? What's wrong? Am I on someone's face? Allow me to get myself off." It shook, throwing Skull Kid to the ground in a mangled heap. "I'm glad to be rid of that sweaty fool. A puppet that can no longer be used is mere garbage." The spikes lining the mask flexed themselves, the construct suddenly moving much more organically. "This puppet's role has just ended."

"BARINADE CALLED IT!"

Navi punched him over the head. "NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"

Her counterpart groaned, striking her palms with her forehead. "Another mask, and this one talks. That's fantastic."

"I'm also quite capable of murdering every single one of you at a moment's notice."

"I wish you wouldn't do that..."

"I'll take that into consideration some time after the act is done." The mask turned to the rest of them. "So these are the mighty saviours of Termina," Majora said, its yellow eyes flashing red. "Can someone explain to me what you're all supposed to be?"

Gohma stepped forward, clearing her throat. "We're a gang of wackos who share no interests or personality traits aside from a selfish urge to stay alive and a lack of caring for other sentient life. Even though we all start off as enemies who are perfectly willing to murder the rest of the group, we readily and eagerly accept another unstable psychopath onto our team every time we defeat them in combat, whether if it's because they are willing and we see potential use in them or because it's such a tradition that they are brought along completely against their will and to this day want to inflict as much bodily harm as physically possible upon the rest of us." She poked Gyorg in the eye as she said this. "As you can likely see, we have amassed a large ensemble cast full of variety in the ways that they can kill you."

The mask tilted, taking them all in. "I can't say I'm remotely impressed."

And then the heavens split, revealing an incredibly angry red Twinmold and an indifferent blue Twinmold. "NOT IMPRESSED, EH?" the red brother roared, descending upon the small mask. "Well let's see how you like being smashed into itty bitty splinters by these unimpressive goons!"

"NO!" everyone else screamed, waving wildly as the worms came at them all.

The glow around Majora's eyes increased in intensity. "I restate: I can't say I'm _remotely_ impressed by your _puny_ efforts."

The worms weaved between the giants, bringing down their enormous bodies to crush the Clock Tower and everyone on top of it. In a flash, Majora stopped all that. Neither of the worms were occupying air space anymore.

"Where the hell are they?" Kingy roared, looking in all directions. He was joined by every other being up there in his search.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME?" It didn't take very long to locate the red, regular sized but three eyed fairy that floated where the red worm's head used to be.

"For once, I agree with your sentiments!" A three eyed blue fairy joined his side. "What in the fuck?"

The red fairy randomly flailed his arm, almost taking off his brother's head. "What the hell am I supposed to do with _arms_? I need mandibles, I can't grab with these!"

"We're _fairies_ and your main concern is that you don't have mandibles to grab things with? I want a proper list of your priorities on my mental desk in six seconds!"

The mask cackled at their confusion. "Those who betray Majora will suffer consequences."

Gyorg began to flop erratically. "And those who stay loyal?"

"They will receive great rewards. But that comes in time, dear Gyorg. For now, a new puppet is ready and I don't want to keep it waiting." Energy began to gather around Majora, rising up toward the blackness of the moon's now open mouth. Majora rose inside of this column, darting out of their sight within seconds.

"I'm a bit light headed right now," Link groaned, still seeing stars from the earlier beatings. "Did we win yet?"

"Not ever close," Phantom Ganon answered, pulling out his sceptre. "We need to pursue it."

The giants began roaring, the moon suddenly dropping a significant distance before they caught it again. Its open mouth sunk through the air, its eyes glowing a bright yellow like Majora's had. And then, a terrible voice rose from within it. **"I... I shall consume. Consume... Consume everything."** The giants buckled as the moon pushed down on them with more force than ever before, desperate to fulfil its apocalyptic desire.

Link blinked. "How does the moon have a flexible jaw?"

He received a punch from Tatl. "NOW IS NOT THE TIME! Speaking of time, let's start this over and make a better plan, okay? Good." She shoved the ocarina into Link's mouth.

Having just been punched and being forced to have an ocarina in his mouth, Link was understandably annoyed. "Even if we go back, the same thing will happen again."

"Chances are ninety-nine point nine percent."

"See? Goht agrees. Who's a good robo-bull? You're a good robo-bull. Uglo Buglo, can you scratch Goht behind the ear for me?"

Bongo Bongo sent his hand off the side of the Clock Tower, coming back with a watermelon between the thumb and pinkie. "This is your head." He crushed it so quickly that the insides couldn't the space between his fingers. "This is your head with one more push."

"Noted."

A tremor, larger than ever before, struck the city, almost toppling the Clock Tower. "BACK ON TOPIC!" Tatl screamed, steam visibly expelling from her ears. "We are going to DIE unless you send us back, NOW. DO IT!"

Link pointed over her shoulder. "That's still there."

Slowly, the fairy turned around, her eyes widening to comic proportions as she saw what he was referring to. "Hell no, we are _not_ going up there! We have no idea what will happen!"

"BARINADE SHALL TEST IT!"

Morpha shuddered. "Do not pick me up and throw me in or I swear I- WHAT DID I JUST SAY FUUUUUUuuuu..." Morpha disappeared up the grey stream, shooting into the moon's mouth.

"It is safe. BARINADE has tested it so."

"The idiocy of you people in the _worst possible moments_ never ceases to amaze me..."

"I'm going," Link declared, drawing the Gilded Sword. "We're going to stab this problem in its purple, spiky, yellow eyed heart and finish it for good! If we don't end it now, we're just going to go through this over and over and over again, hoping for a better result that won't occur because, let's be honest, you guys are kinda A.D.D. in these things."

Bongo Bongo and Volvagia immediately grabbed Gohma and King Dodongo respectively, stopping them from tearing Link to pieces. "Don't," Bongo Bongo growled into Gohma's ear. "Someday, he's _mine._"

Link continued his heroic speak, paying no attention to the fighting behind his back. "Now I'm no Seymour Fields myself..."

"Who the fuck is that?" Gohma shouted, receiving only shrugs.

"...but I know what needs to be done. I'm going up there, and whoever else wants to be a hero too can follow my lead! HRAH!" Letting off a Link-scream, he ran into the lift, shooting upwards.

After a few seconds, Odolwa brought up his sword and shield. "FOR THE SWAMP!" He jumped into it, following after Link.

Gohma finally shoved off Bongo Bongo. "With those two alone, this is going to get fucked up beyond repair. Let's go." She trudged into the greyness.

"That mask is the source of all problems in this land," Igos du Ikana said, glaring at the grey column of energy. "All this mindless destruction, the strengthening of the curse of Stone Tower, must be stopped." He flew into the portal.

"What a self centred whelp. The only one here who is allowed to be self centred is the awesome, powerful, unstoppable, brilliant, armed and dangerous, yet to lose, sexy, skilful fanatic: the great **BARINADE**!" Barinade slammed his hammer into the ground, standing himself up on that tentacle while using the others to dramatically shoot jets of electricity into the air. Once done he flung himself into the magical lift, going into the moon with the rest.

The others stared at the spot where he had just been. "Yeah, there's no way I can live up to that." King Dodongo begrudgingly walked after him. However, he felt a small claw grab his tail.

"That's because you don't try hard enough, Kingy." Volvagia flew into the air, circling the column of energy at an accelerating rate before dive-bombing the base, blasting upwards.

"Son of a whore toed bitch. If anyone asks, mine was better." King Dodongo finally entered.

The rest of the monsters each took their turn entering, some surprisingly less reluctant than others. Gyorg had laughed maniacally as Goht carried him through. "I _still _can't believe you people are bringing me along. Seriously, I quite literally _just_ had a talk with the super evil where I announced I was still loyal to him! How stupid are you guys?"

"There is a lack of water on the moon to increase your threat level from 'minor annoyance'," Goht reported before tossing him in and soon following.

"HE WILL BURN!" The red fairy known as Twinmold flew in, followed by his brother.

This eventually left only Tatl and Tael atop the tower. Tatl sighed, shaking her head. "I'm obliged to go at this point, aren't I?"

"You don't need to, sis. I can go instead!"

"That settles it. I'm going. Tael, you stay here and don't touch _anything_. Nothing at all, do you hear me?" Her brother nodded. "Are you going to listen to anything I'm saying?" He shook his head. "I thought not. I'm going now."

"Let's go."

Tatl quickly turned around, surprised to see Ganondorf standing at the ready, cracking his knuckles in anticipation. "When did you get here?"

"Six seconds ago." He pulled out his sword, hoisting it onto his shoulder. "Now let's get moving. I don't even want to know how you guys screwed this all up, so I'll just fix it."

* * *

_For the record, this was all meant to be the first half of this chapter. We can all see how that worked, eh?_


	44. Fields of Green

_As HardHatRocker said, 43 down, indefinite amount to go. Upon this I thoroughly agree, I have no damn clue how many more chapters are left. Less than five. _

_In reference to the upcoming chapter: trololololol. That is all. _

_Published July 17, 2011 _

**Fields of Green**

The darkness cleared, revealing the next stage of their journey. The sky was blue and sunny, the grassy field was green and endless, and in the very middle sat an enormous, healthy looking tree. Yes, they were inside of the moon.

"I did not see this coming," Odolwa commented, looking around the moon's interior.

"Maybe you should take off the mask," Gohma grunted in response.

Seeing nowhere else to go the group, now including Ganondorf again, began trekking toward the enormous tree.

"Why are birds chirping?" Link questioned, searching the sky for the invisible birds. "Aren't we in the moon?"

Ganondorf placed his foot on Link's head, somehow not crushing the poor boy. "Because I know the greens fields and clear midday sky _inside a giant rock_ have flown in one eye and then crushed in the endless void that is your common sense, allow me to explain. You see, magic. That is all."

"In your foolish fixation with this strange place, the ever-observant BARINADE has noticed something! There is a small child running around just ahead!" The anemone pointed at a tiny figure, running happily through the grass.

"The hell's a kiddie doing here?" King Dodongo roared. He began to walk forward, intent on finding out.

"That's right, no need to be subtle about this," Tatl muttered. "Let's just send the big loud ones first and announce our presence."

The group approached the small child who seemed content with running around, accomplishing nothing. When they arrived at his side he looked up at them, the fact that he was wearing what looked like Odolwa's mask catching attention quickly. "Oh my goddess I have a son! I think I know who the mother is and I swear I did not mean to infest her house with dog sized beetles, I only laughed because one was tickling my foot and not because I was the mastermind."

"You talk a lot without saying anything," the masked child said, laughing. He looked up at the great blue sky. "Nice weather... isn't it?"

"Speaking of weather, where are we?" Tatl immediately interrupted with the question that had been plaguing their minds.

The child laughed again. "You're right here."

"I know, but where _is_ here?"

"Where you are right now."

Tatl's eye twitched. Changing tactics, she gestured to the world around her. "What is this place?"

"It's the place you're in right now."

"I'm going to kill you."

"But if you do that, I can't tell you where you are."

"THEN TELL ME WHERE WE ARE!"

The child pointed at her. "You're right there."

She grabbed the Great Fairy's Sword from Link's pack. "THIS IS THE PART WHERE I KILL YOU!"

Link stepped between them, easily deflecting the inexperienced blow with his shield. He smiled at the masked child. "Hi, I'm Link. Who are you?" The child's gaze jerked to Link's face, staring motionlessly at him. "Hello?"

"Masks... You have... a lot. You, too... Will you be... a mask salesman?"

Link blinked. "O...kay?"

"Then I'll play with you." The child's voice became happy again. "So, the masks, give me some."

"Okay!" Link handed over the Captain's Hat without question.

"Child!" Igos snapped, bouncing up and down over Link's head. "Do not give away the soul of my closest friend so quickly! This place is obviously a magical dimension meaning this 'child' is likely some sort of magical construct created by that mask. We should not so easily give in to his demands! Ask questions, gather information, make bargains, anything first!"

Sadly, the child had already taken the Captain's Hat. "Thanks... You're a nice person... Aren't you?"

"Of course. I'm the hero after all, I live to be nice!"

The child laughed again. "Hide and seek... Let's play. All right... I'll hide..."

"Wait!" Gohma looked around the giant field. "Let me save us several minutes of our lives and take a guess: you'll be behind a tree."

For a moment the child stared at Gohma. "Tree... That's a good idea." Before she could comment on the stupidity of this one, a flash of light engulfed several group members.

Link, Tatl, Gohma, Koume, Kotake, Ganondorf and Odolwa found themselves somewhere completely different. They were in a forest, a forest that seemed to stretch into darkness above and below them, containing several rotating platforms with Deku flowers. Far in the distance was a particularly large tree with an ornate door carved into the side.

"Easy!" Link donned the Deku Mask and shot out of the first flower, speeding across the void. He landed on the first rotating platform.

Gohma growled, muttering, "I am not letting that idiot brat show me up." She sprang to a nearby branch, making her way across the trees. "What's the matter?" the arachnid taunted as she easily outpaced the child. "Can't keep up?"

Then the branch broke. There was no comedic delay, no statement of shock, just a yelp and Gohma falling from view. Naturally, this put off Odolwa from jumping across. "I, I think Mr. Gossip and I will just, you know, wait here, yeah."

Deku Link hovered by the broken branch. "Winning again!"

After several minutes of flying, Link was finally at the door. He signalled for the others to come over. Seeing that the jungle warrior was incapable of making progress without any personal gain, Ganondorf snatched the gossip stone from Odolwa and hurled it across the area, watching it land perfectly at Link's side. "And that's why I was an outfielder in Sandball."

"MR. GOSSIP! I'M COMING FOR YOU!" Odolwa danced, summoning a cloud of moths which he hopped on top of, somehow standing in place. "Fly my friends! Bring your master to his rock!"

The moths struggled forward, trying to support the weight of each other and the giant who stood on their top. Eventually, they began moving.

-Twenty minutes later-

Odolwa jumped off of the worn out moths and began hugging Mr. Gossip. "Let's never be apart again..."

"Keep a better grip next time," the stone stated.

A large pincer reached over the ledge of the bark, snapping down on Odolwa's ankle and putting a sudden end to the conversation. "NOT AGAIN!" he screamed as Gohma used him to pull herself back up. Fortunately, he was spared the fate of dismemberment again when she let go, grumbling and pushing Link through the door.

Inside, the masked child stood in the middle of the ornate looking room. "You found me..." he said, sounding completely uncaring. "Hey... I want... more masks..."

"Okay!" Always happy to oblige, Link gave him the Keaton Mask.

"That's great, give away the masks with emotional significance first," Tatl commented, shaking her head at his choices.

The child was happy with his choice however. "Heh, heh, thanks... You're... nice."

"Yup!"

The stance of the child shifted, squirming and not meeting Link's eye. "Can I ask... a question?" Hesitance in the child's voice matched his body language.

"Yup!"

"Your friends... What kind of... people are they? I wonder... Do those people... think of you... as a friend?" Before he could answer they were sent back into the field, the masked child staying behind.

"Have fun?" Navi asked, glaring down at the seven.

"Tons!" Koume cackled, looking at her sister with sadistic glee.

"Shut up Koume! Because I dropped my contacts, I can't see anymore!"

"Oh don't be such a bother Kotake, you could never see even with them."

While the witches argued, the rest of the group followed Link as he approached another child, this one wearing Goht's mask. "Hello!" the fairy boy greeted.

"Oh... Hello," the child responded. "These fields are well kept... aren't they?"

"Yup!"

"Masks... You have... a lot."

"Want one? We're giving them away, no questions asked," Igos bitterly grumbled.

"You, too... Will you be... a mask salesman?"

"Yup!"

The child's demeanour shifted to ecstatic. "Then I'll play with you. So... the masks... Give me some."

"Say please," Bongo Bongo taunted.

The child looked up at her, accepting the Couple's Mask from Link while gesturing for another. "You're ugly."

Bongo Bongo's eye widened to physically impossible proportions, his pupil becoming the size of a pin. "Impudent little brat!" He swung his fist at breakneck speeds only to find it covered in arrow based ice. Link handed the kid the Circus Leader's Mask.

"Thanks... You... You're nice person... Aren't you?"

King Dodongo snickered to himself. "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Having noticed another person making a remark at him, the masked child stared at the dragon. "Your girlfriend doesn't like you... does she?"

He snarled, holding himself back from biting the kid in half.

For the next session of hide and seek, Link, Tatl, King Dodongo, Bongo Bongo and Goht all appeared in another room of darkness, this one composed of very thin rock bridges that stretched all across the area.

"What the hell is this?" King Dodongo roared, stepping further down the path.

"This is it," Goht answered blankly, staring out at the challenge before them.

He glanced back at her. "This is what?"

Goht hopped over him, looking at the series of bridges scattered throughout the realm. "This is the challenge I have awaited for my entire existence. _It shall be conquered with extreme prejudice._"

"What the hell-" Goht took down the bridge. "...are you talking about...?"

Goht ran, her goal obvious only to her. She jumped over the first gap and turned left, avoiding some sort of weird pad on the ground. "Women," King Dodongo snorted. "I'll never understand a damn thing about their thought process. It's unpossible."

Tatl smiled brightly. "That's nice. Bongo Bongo, if you will."

Hands wrapped around King Dodongo, bending him against his will until he was curled up into a ball shape. From there he was thrown like a bowling ball, rolling down after Goht. Bongo Bongo dusted off his hands and floated after the two.

"And now it's your turn, hero."

Link became the Goron Hero Darmani and curled up at the start of the runway. "For the swamp!" he shouted heroically, taking off. Sadly, he forgot to release his spikes to go maximum speed at the first jump and covered exactly one metre in horizontal distance before plummeting like the rock he was.

Tatl pursed her lips for a moment. "It looks like I'm the hero now." She pulled out the Great Fairy's Sword. "Better get in character, ahem... Derpa derp derp derpy derp."

A thud to her rear was revealed to be Link, having fallen from above and landed at the starting point. "I hurt..."

She opened her mouth to say something but soon thought better of it. "It's magic, yeah..."

-Two minutes later-

Link fell to the beginning for the eighteenth time.

-Four minutes later-

Link fell to the beginning for the fortieth time.

-Six minutes later-

Link fell to the beginning for the ninety second time... not that anyone was still counting.

-Eight minutes later-

Link fell to the ground from Bongo Bongo's hand, thanking the beast for carrying him to the end. They entered the door, seeing the masked child in a room identical to the first.

"You found me..."

"Hiding behind the only door isn't very inconspicuous," Tatl bleakly told him.

"Hey... I want... more... masks... Can I have... more?"

"Yup!" Link handed over the Great Fairy's Mask.

"Thank the goddesses," King Dodongo muttered. "I'll never have to see that again."

The masked child looked at the mask for a second before putting it over top of his already existing mask. "More..." Link handed over the Bremen Mask. "Heh, heh... Thanks... You're... nice." The child suddenly became as awkward as the first one did at the end. "Can I ask... a question?"

"That is a question," Goht analyzed. "Question of being asked to ask a question is a paradox. Initiating error script 81b." She gored King Dodongo's shoulder on one of her horns.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

The child paid no attention to this uncommon sight. "You... What makes you... happy? I wonder... What makes you happy... does it make... others happy too?"

"Yup!" Link merrily replied. "Though what makes me happy is others being happy... and laser shooting masks. But mostly other people being happy makes me happy, so I suppose that makes them happy."

"Paradox type E. Error script 33c initializing." Goht back kicked Bongo Bongo in the eye.

With another flash, they were back in the field. "I am bleeding and need medical assistance!" the Dodongo King shouted. He put his claw over the stab wound, trying and failing to cease the blood flow.

"And nothing of value was lost," Gohma uninterestedly grunted. "So where's the kid with the Gyorg mask?"

"BARINADE has located the child of interest."

The mentioned child looked at the anemone with curiosity. "Do you... shout your name to hide your insecurity with-"

"BARINADE shouts his name for no other reason than to gift the world with the glory of his magnificent voice breathing his magnificent name. There are no deep, philosophical interpretations of my reasoning that is correct."

"Oh... That's nice..."

Link approached the child and waved. "Hello!"

"Hi... Masks... You have... a lot. You, too... Willy you be... a mask salesman?" Link handed over the Gibdo Mask. "More..." He tossed the child the Garo's Mask. "More..."

Gohma bumped Link over the head. "Oy, why do you keep willing giving these kids your masks?"

"Well, I figured that if I give all of my power away then Majora will feel bad and give me a mask that shoots lasers."

"Sense you make not."

"Majora's evil and trying to destroy the world, right? That means there has to be some sort of threat to make an intense showdown, but if I'm powerless there won't be one. So, to make it happen, Majora will give me the awesome mask of super laser shooting!"

She stared blankly at him, her mind taking several seconds to break itself to a point where she could comprehend him. "I don't care about anything you do anymore, and thinking about you will make me want to hurt myself, you, and everyone else in the world. Just do it."

"Okay!" He handed over Kafei's Mask.

"Thanks... You're a nice person..."

"Can we play hide and seek?" Link asked, bouncing up and down.

"No... Let's play tag... You're it..."

Link, Tatl, Morpha, Barinade and Gyorg were then in a small metal room with the masked child. On one side was a pool of water, rushing down a wide pipe. "Come catch me..." The child jumped into the water, quickly being rushed away by the current.

The hero gasped, exclaiming, "He's in trouble! Weirdofish, roll out!" He turned into a Zora, grabbed Gyorg and Morpha and hopped in.

"That was not wise." Link and Morpha quickly saw that Gyorg was growing again, a large grin crossing his face.

"Yeah, let's roll." Using an underwater tentacle Morpha threw Link forward, quickly following. His prey escaping, Gyorg roared and swam after them at breakneck speed, a trail of thick slobber left in his wake.

Pretty soon the paths split. "LEFT!" Link shouted.

"FUCK THAT, right's the only choice!" Morpha argued. They split off, going separate ways.

Gyorg grinned, the gears in his head turning as he came up to the split. "Hm, who do I want to eat more? The oblivious idiot or the weak ball? Choices, choices... Idiot time!" He turned left.

Link looked back fearfully, seeing Gyorg closing in on him. "Take three: action!" Gyorg snapped at him, his enormous fangs barely missing Link's foot. "Come on, it'll be fun! You'll get the feel what it's like to be slowly digested. I'll enjoy picking your flesh out of my teeth."

"But your teeth aren't close together so nothing can get stuck in there!"

Back behind all this, Barinade was calmly walking through the maze, satisfied at the lack of pressure.

Gyorg snapped at the Hylian again. Link summoned up his Zora electric field and held out his fins, slowing down enough to efficiently kick Gyorg in the eye. Gyorg screamed, flailing his body and smashing into the walls as the electric charge shocked him right in the brain. "I AM KICKING EDGAR ALLAN POE. I AM THE EGGMAN." He rammed his horn on the wall, becoming thoroughly stuck. "HERE COMES THE EGGMAN!"

His problem solved, Link continued down the tunnels, randomly turning left and right. "Morpha!" he called, his words not making it far through the water.

From a crossing tunnel came the ball, bashing into Link's face. "Hi."

"Hi. Let's keep going."

"That's the idea."

"YOU FUCKING DIE!"

From a third tunnel came Gyorg, looking angrier than ever before. "Time to go." They both took off down a fourth tunnel.

Fortunately, this tunnel quickly led to land with another ornate door. Link carried Morpha through and slammed the door, cutting them off from the murderous fish.

"You caught me..." Conveniently, the masked child was in the room.

"Yup," Link panted, bending over and wiping some sweat from his forehead. "Yeah, we... we did."

"Hey... I want... more... masks..."

"Here..." Link basically dropped the Mask of Scents, Don Gero's Mask and the Giant's Mask at his feet.

"Heh, heh... Thanks... You're... nice." Link nodded, still too tired to really say anything. "Um... Can I ask... a question? The right thing... What is it? I wonder... If you do the right thing... Does it really make... everybody... happy?"

And then they were back in the field. Gyorg, finding he was tiny again, sighed in disappointment.

They were distracted by screams from the red Twinmold fairy. "Mandibles, I WANT THEM!" He was ineffectually trying to tear the Twinmold mask from the last child's face. He failed to wrap his fingers around the edges of the mask, his grip sliding off with every attempted tug. "DAMN THESE USELESS HANDS!"

The child swatted him away. "You're small..."

"YOUR KEEN OBSERVATIONAL SKILLS ARE EQUAL TO NONE."

Link approached the child, four masks already out. "Hello. Nice weather, isn't it?"

"Yes..." The child looked at his inventory. "Masks... You have..."

"Just give him the masks right now," the red fairy growled, crossing his arms and glaring all three eyes at mask as the child continued the standard speech. "You know what he's going to say anyway."

Link handed the child the Stone Mask mid sentence. "More..." He handed the All Night Mask. "More..." He pulled out the Bunny Hood.

"Hold on!" Phantom floated over to them, taking the Bunny Hood before the kid could grab it. "Morpha, Odolwa, you two probably won't be in the next dungeon if my guess is correct. That means you'll need to turn in your masks here."

"What madness is this?" Morpha cried, detonating the Bomb Mask in indignation. "You dare demand that the master of the seas must turn over his favourite possession? Suck my nut!"

Odolwa was also reluctant, holding Mr. Gossip tightly. "If you take this mask I can't talk to my friend anymore. So no."

Surprisingly, Phantom turned his back on them and began to float away. "All right. If the master of the seas feels like he needs to rely on a mask to be threatening, so be it."

"I AM NOT RELIANT ON A MASK!" Morpha shook off the Bomb Mask. "There, take it!"

"And if-"

"Nonononono," Odolwa curtly interrupted. "I'm not stupid enough to fall for something like that as well!"

"The other guy is right," dramatically said Mr. Gossip. Odolwa looked down at him, confused. "I'm sorry Odolwa, but you must let go of the old to make progress. You-"

"Fine, fine, I'll do it, just don't go into a speech. I really hate when people give heroic speeches." Odolwa reached up to remove his mask.

"Although," Mr. Gossip began, pausing him, "if you could, could you light a bomb next to me when this is all over?"

"Um... okay..." With that suicidal last request agreed upon he handed over the Mask of Truth, permanently cutting himself off from Mr. Gossip. "Farewell my friend. I shall not forget what you taught me."

Navi floated over to him, taking a quick glance at the Mask of Truth. "Actually, I think the mask salesman had one of those too. You could always buy it off of him."

Her suggestion was met with a half-hearted shrug. "I think this gag's run its course to be honest. Not to mention the rock puns were getting annoying."

In a flash Link, Navi, Volvagia, Phantom, Igos du Ikana and the Twinmold fairies were in a moderately sized stone room, the door at the other end barred off. "There must be some sort of test in here," Phantom analyzed.

Link stepped forward. A Dinofol dropped from above and, before anyone could attack, slashed at Link. He dodged the blow, whipped out his sword and sliced it from ear to ear. The corpse slumped pathetically to the floor. "Yup."

* * *

**What Could Have Been**

Due to the huge amount of bosses in Ocarina of Time, the original plan was to kill some of them off. The plan for Morpha was to have him immediately fall into Lake Hylia and drown in the unfamiliar water. Upon writing up his character, this was immediately scrapped for obvious reasons.


	45. The Many Faces of Majora

_I feel both happy and sad as I get close to the end of this. On one hand, I'm finally finishing what I've been wanting to write since I got on this website. In contrast, this was basically my magnum opus here. Ah well, there's so much more to write so I'd best just continue. Majora fighting time! _

_Published July 22, 2011_

**The Many Faces of Majora**

Navi smiled as she gazed at the nostalgic sight before her. It brought back memories of times that were not any easier, or any happier, or different in any other way. "Just like old times, isn't it?"

In response, Link screamed and dove to the side as the Iron Knuckle's axe sunk into that specific location. He quickly sprang up and drove his blade between the plates, spearing his sword into its fleshy insides. Sadly, it did not even flinch and attempted to cleave his head off.

"Your incompetence still amuses me," Volvagia hissed. He opened his maw wide and blasted its back with white hot flames, the room temperature rising as he did so. The Iron Knuckle turned around, staring down the fire at him for just a moment before hurling its axe at the ceiling. A section of the roof collapsed, burying Volvagia in rubble.

Seeing an opening, Phantom summoned up a ball of lightning and threw it at the back of the thing's head. It jerked around, slashing at the ball with surprising dexterity. The energy launched back at Phantom, blasting his head off and continuing through the wall behind him.

The skull groaned from his body's feet. "Ow..."

"Link," Navi shouted, "remember, it only flinches when it loses its armour!"

The hero pulled out a bomb, grinning slyly. "I think I get what you're saying..."

"I... don't think you do, but now I'm curious where you're going with this."

Link lit the bomb and ran, flailing his arms and screaming frenziedly. The Knuckle's axe split him in two rather easily. Fortunately, he had several fairies ready to be forced into giving their lives for his. One did so. Navi facepalmed.

As the Knuckle prepared to finish the still recovering Link for the second time, he was intercepted by Igos du Ikana's floating head. "Minion of the unliving," the ghost king began, facing it with a stern gaze, "stand down immediately. Do as I command!"

The Knuckle lowered its axe, standing at attention.

"You are to be relieved of duty. Terminate at once."

The Iron Knuckle brought up its axe and let it fall, cutting itself straight down the middle. The two sides crashed to the floor, bouncing once and then laying still. Igos nodded contently, understandable as this was one of the only things he could still do.

"All you need is to show a little authority," he lectured his awed onlookers, drifting contently over to the now opened door. The masked child stood behind it.

Link, Navi, Volvagia, Phantom and the Twinmold fairies hesitantly followed the king. "You found me..." the child said, oblivious to the act of awesome that had just occurred.

"Yeah," Link said, barely paying attention as he dropped the Bunny Hood, Postman's Hat, Kamaro's Mask and Romani Mask on the ground. "Here you go..."

"Heh, heh... Thanks... You're... nice. Can I ask... a question?"

"No, not today," Link replied, once again barely thinking.

"Oh... Okay... Bye..." They were back in the field.

"Dude, you are a badass!" the red fairy shouted to Igos as soon as they arrived.

He chuckled at this. "No, I am just experienced in the art of verbal warfare."

"By which you mean straight up telling them to murder themselves," the blue fairy added.

"At its most basic level, yes."

All of the masked children were gone. Now that Link's desire to speak with everyone and lose all of his masks was sated, they finally reached the central tree. It was tall, wider around than King Dodongo and about three times as tall as the same lizard from nose to tail. The grass around it was less trimmed than the rest of the field, but a small figure could be seen hiding amongst the roots. "Hello?" Link said, wondering if it was another kid. It was. This one wore Majora's Mask. That was bad.

"...Everyone has gone away, haven't they?" the Majora child said meekly, drawing confusion from the group.

"Yes," Tatl hesitantly answered.

"Will you play... with me?"

Everyone shared a cautious glance. "Define playing," Gohma eventually answered.

The child stood up from the tall grass. "We play a game. How many masks do you have?"

Link shrugged overdramatically. "All I got are three transformation masks if those count. Nothing else."

The child was obviously disappointed. "You barely have any masks left, do you? Well, let's do something else... Let's play good guys against bad guys... Yes. Let's play that." The child pulled out another mask.

"Masks," Tatl hissed, glaring furiously at it as he handed it to Link. "Why more of them?"

As Link took the white haired humanoid mask, Odolwa let out a melodramatic gasp of awe. "You got the Fierce Deity's Mask! Could this mask's dark powers be as bad as Majora? Will it make you a bad enough dude to rescue the president? Try it on with C."

"What's C?" Link asked as he pocketed the Fierce Deity's Mask.

"C is a letter," Navi stated.

"I don't think that's what he meant," Morpha added, wobbling slightly as he tried not to roll downhill. "Maybe he meant the water sea when he said C."

"It wouldn't have been spelled just C if that was what he meant," Link countered. He pocketed the mask.

"He said it out loud. How would you know how he spelled it?"

As they argued about the meaning of C, Odolwa chuckled to himself.

"Are you ready?" The child spoke, ending their poignant discussion. "You're the bad guy. And when you're bad, you just run. That's fine, right?"

Link blinked. "Wait what?"

The mask's eyes lit up, the child's voice becoming twisted. "Well... **Shall we play?**" Their vision faded.

The following room was much more ornate than the last four locations. It was simply enormous, octagonal and had the trippiest walls they had ever seen, constantly flowing from colour to colour while managing to stay primarily blue. A dark alcove sat opposite of the heroes and villains.

"You know," said Majora's voice, echoing from all directions, "I don't really want to kill any of you anymore."

"Thanks!" Link exclaimed. "So are you letting everything go back to normal?"

The mask paused for a moment, contemplating. "Yes. I think I will do that as well."

Ganondorf loudly cleared his throat, glaring at the alcove. "As a fellow lying son of a bitch, I know you're just trying to fuck with our minds."

"No, really, I'm not," the mask said, sounding genuine. "I'm going to make everything go back to normal. Well, normal from when the planet was just a giant ball of magma and stone. You know, billions of years ago. It's true, really. I majored in history. And I still won't kill you. They will."

"They?"

From the walls came the four boss masks, hovering silently. "Those guys."

The Odolwa mask shot a white ball, striking the real Odolwa between the eyes. "OW! WHY DID I DO THAT TO MYSELF?"

"Odolwa, stop hitting yourself and commit suicide!" Tatl ordered, pointing at the mask.

"Got it." Odolwa swung his enormous cleaver but the mask was nimble, dodging easily. "So you wanna play it like that, eh? Well you've got another thing coming!"

From nowhere came Gyorg, leaping into the air and sinking his teeth into Odolwa's mask's side. And by Odolwa's mask I mean the _real_ Odolwa. "OwowOWOWOW!" The jungle warrior tore Gyorg from his head, losing some flesh in the process, and hurled him at the mask. They collided, both falling to the floor in a mangled heap.

Meanwhile, Goht and her mask were taking turns firing lightning at each other. Eventually, the mask fell. Being that she was a giant, durable mechanical bull the scales were tipped quite fiercely to begin with.

A certain someone and Gyorg's mask stared each other down. "This mask stands no chance against BARINADE!" Barinade began blasting the object with electricity, some shots hitting and many missing. The room became significantly brighter in this short time, ending when Majora's Mask flew in from his left and took his legs out from under him, sending the anemone down to the ground.

"You remember the part where I said I wasn't going to do anything? I lied."

**Majora's Mask  
**_The Initial Phase_

"BARINADE KNEW IT!" He stood, facing off against the mask. It had grown since last time, being large enough to fit on King Dodongo if it wished, and was now armed with a plethora of whips falling from the backside.

"I'm going to assume your name is Barinade and do this." The mask began spinning, the spikes and whips helping it to become becoming a deadly Frisbee; it hurled itself at him. Barinade intercepted it with his hammer, only for the metal to uselessly rebound and fly from his grip. The mask skidded by him, halting just out of reach. "Is that all?"

"HOW DARE YOU DISARM ME!" Barinade roared, seething with uncontrollable rage.

"Hey, he used a pronoun without adding his name to it," Gohma grunted, impressed.

Barinade chose to ignore this. He pounced but Majora sank to the side. "Missed me!" the mask taunted, cackling at his failure. It spun again, colliding with the midair beast and messily tearing his side.

"Barinade _never_ misses. ESPECIALLY WITH HIS SECONDARY WEAPON!"

"Why are you grabbing me no NO NO!" Morpha found himself in Barinade's tentacle.

As the mask backed off, shaking off some leftover blood, Barinade took aim. "I must aim carefully. Should I miss, this fool will likely be torn to shreds and die in intense agony."

"LET ME GO YOU WRETCH!"

A light arrow flew by Majora, almost skimming his surface. "Missed me!"

Link grinned. "Yup!" And the Gyorg mask exploded behind the boss.

"That face is expendable."

Meanwhile, the Twinmold mask was being badgered by his smaller lookalikes. "Hit it below the belt!" the blue Twinmold shouted at his brother as he circled around the mask.

His brother was noticeably confused, sending the blue fairy a bewildered look. "It's a head!"

"Exactly!"

"Sometimes I wonder which of us the intelligent one is."

"I'd say the bigger fool is the one who follows what the fool says. Now kick it!"

"Fine, fine..."

Back at the battle, the majority of the combatants were attempting to bring down Majora. They shot, swung and blasted at the mask, but nothing did anything more than flinch it for a moment. The mask cackled as it finished another twirl, shredding through who knows what. "Is this really it? You guys are _saaaad_. Sad _sad_ saaad **sad** _saad_ sa_aa_aa_aa_ad..." Majora began spinning again, singing 'sad' over and over in various pitches and inflection.

"I hate myself just for being on the same side as you guys right now," Ganondorf growled with resent. He blasted Majora, the magic exploding into a dark cloud that obscured the mask's vision. "Seriously, be fucking competent."

"His front side may be heavily armoured, but it's probably in exchange for a very weak back. Try to hit in the back!" Navi shouted amidst the chaos.

King Dodongo rolled beneath the mask, taking aim at the dark backside. Sadly, the many whips began to bombard him with a flurry of pain.

"From a distance," Phantom added, wishing that he didn't even have to say this. "Do _not_ stand within hitting distance of the lethal weapons."

Majora lifted King Dodongo into the air and spun him around. He released the behemoth at the group, crashing into those unfortunate enough to stand in his path against the wall under his massive weight.

"That was close," Link said, wiping some sweat from his brow. It was then that he noticed that it was just him, Tatl, Ganondorf, Twinmold (who were fighting their mask) and Barinade (still armed with Morpha) left on their side. "Oh."

"Nice shot sir!" Gyorg exclaimed, flopping around pathetically.

Majora tilted, glancing down at the suck up. "I try."

While they conversed, Ganondorf crouched beside the official hero. "Here's the plan kid. At my signal, run around him and start shooting his ass end with whatever you've got."

He nodded. "What's the-"

Ganondorf let out a roar, shoving out both hands. From his palm came a ball of energy, shooting at Majora at lightning speeds. Then another a tenth of a second later. And then another in the same amount of time. He continued this pattern.

"...signal." Link pulled out his bow and circled around, trying to stay out of Majora's currently bright vision.

"He's really getting into this," Tatl pointed out, obviously talking about the psychotic screaming green man.

"Yup! It's a good thing he's our permanent ally."

"Whatever you say Link, whatever you say."

"SURPRISE FISHY BASH!" Gyorg latched onto Link's hat, yanking on it. Seeing as the thing might as well have been sewn onto Link's skull this put him off balance. He staggered but quickly regained orientation.

"No! Bad surprise fishy!" Link tore Gyorg from the fabric and punted him at Majora's weak side, sending both of them tumbling to the floor. He wagged his finger condescendingly. "You can't-"

Tatl punched him. "Less talk, more stabby on the downed baddy."

Instead of responding Link reached into his pouch, having felt something shift when Gyorg was on him and, being unable to keep his attention on anything for more than sixteen seconds, desired to investigate. He pulled out the Fierce Deity's Mask. "I forgot I had this! Let's try it on!" He placed the mask upon his face. "OwowOWOWOW!"

Ganondorf jumped on top of the downed duo. "Sorry Major A, but _I'm_ the better antagonist today!"

Majora began spinning, forcing Ganondorf to hold on for dear life. It started rising like this, eventually tilting backwards. "You? An antagonist? That's so funny that I don't need to laugh! You're the hero's sidekick, what makes you an antagonist in any form?"

"Shut it, woody! Just because I'm helping now doesn't mean I won't grab that weakling by the throat in ten minutes and tear his tiny head off!"

A wave of raw power struck both villains, ending their combat in favour of taking in the new sight. Link stood tall, his hair and armoured clothes white, his eyes blank, his height on par with that of Ganondorf, and his sword taking a fascinating helix shape.

"Well fuck me in the ear and call me Megan," Ganondorf muttered just before Majora's whips threw him off.

"FINALLY!" the mask shouted, giggling hysterically. It began twirling as it approached Link, talking like a kid on a sugar rush. "It's time for the _real_ show tall white and handsome. Good guys versus bad guys, dark versus light, sword versus whip. Are you ready to rumble?"

Link blinked, looking down at his sword with confusion. "Laser beams...?"

Tatl snapped out of her shock upon the surfacing of his usual antics. "That would be a sword. You've been using one this whole time. But just in case you've forgotten everything you've ever seen, my name is Tatl and I'm the queen of everything great."

On the other side of the psychedelic chamber the rest had finally freed themselves from King Dodongo's body mass. "Lose some weight you fat log!" Gohma groaned. She and the others were relishing in the fact that they could once again breathe.

"I'm not fat, I'm rich!" King Dodongo argued. "And don't stand like a bunch of bowling pins next time!"

"You're a fat bastard, face it," Volvagia hissed as he slowly regained feeling in his body. King Dodongo glared back.

"I'm not fat, you're just a skinny little shit who I could break in half with one hand!"

"With what you eat, is that the first time you could say 'skinny' and 'shit' while looking down at something?"

"Children, Link is using his new mask," Bongo Bongo said, fading into sight on the other side of King Dodongo.

"You bastard!" Gohma snapped. "You weren't trapped and you didn't try to help us?"

"The same could be said of Igos. And Link-"

"He's got no arms! And I know Link's turned into a walking murder machine but I don't care right now."

Majora put some distance between them. "Let's go!" It began spinning, hurling itself at Link.

"Easy! I'll just block you with my surely better shield! Tatl, where's my shield?"

"You don't have one."

"Oh no."

The epic battle opened with Link standing completely still as Majora sent him flying across the room. Tatl facepalmed. "We're doomed."

Link stood up, wobbling slightly. "Okay, I can see about three of him right now," he slurred, shaking his head. "I'll just try to hit them all now. HYAH!" He swung at the air.

A laser disk shot out from his blade, shooting across the room and into the Twinmold mask, destroying it instantly. "HEY! That was MINE! Oh shit he can shoot lasers." Everyone stared on in abject horror as they realized what this meant. Apparently, Link realized it too.

"OH BOY, I CAN SHOOT LASERS!" He swung again, watching in joy as the laser hit the opposite wall.

"Guess what?" A beam of fire struck Link's face. "I can shoot lasers too." Majora spun again, cackling as Link struggled back to his feet.

"Hey! This is my moment of glory and you don't get to steal it today!" Link sent a laser at the mask. Seeing no harm, it let the shot hit right between the eyes. The impact was like hitting tissue paper with a sledgehammer, obviously devastating Majora upon collision. It spiralled to the ground, barely recovering in time to avoid a humiliating crash.

Majora cackled, apparently unfazed mentally. "This just gets better and better!"

The two superpowers started duking it out, trading blows left and right. The rest watched, fascinated. "I'm conflicted," Navi stated. "On the upside, Link has an enormous amount of power right now. On the downside, Link has an enormous amount of power right now."

Gohma had a similar outlook. "It's like giving a seagull a chainsaw. It can barely use it, and the only thing that will feel it is whatever its dumb, inattentive mind is 'focused' on."

"Could be worse. Could've killed us." King Dodongo shrugged.

Goht's eyes flashed blue. "Processing complete. Chance of Link inadvertently killing an ally at maximum danger levels. Initiating meat shield procedure." She stepped behind King Dodongo.

"You're hilarious."

"Your density will suffice."

"Can someone please tell me if she's serious or not? Please?"

A high pitched scream came from the mask. It was obviously the worse for wear of the two, missing a large amount of tendrils and seemingly barely together. Link had a few burns and cuts but that was about all. The mask spread out like a sun, gathering energy in its middle and firing the fiery beam at the hero. He held up his sword in a defensive position. Sadly, a sword with holes in the middle does _not _in fact block fire beams.

It shot it again but this time Link struck the beam with a laser. In a twist of fate that would likely confuse a scientist, the laser carried the intense flames back to the mask, blasting it and lighting it aflame. It screeched again, the tentacles all burning off.

Strangely, the heavily damaged object continued to cackle. "I haven't had this much fun in eons!"

The mask began shaking, growing new whips that took the forms of arms and legs on the central mask. A tiny, one eyed head popped up.

**Majora's Incarnation  
**_The I Don't Even Know Phase_

Majora began to stretch, making really odd noises as it did so.

"What the fuck are you?" Ganondorf shouted, his voice cracking. "And you call yourself a villain?"

Majora looked at him. "Can't touch this." It took off, running fast enough to leave a motion blur. Link swung his sword over and over, but none of the lasers came close to hitting. Majora stopped running for a second to moonwalk past the bosses before taking off again.

"Is my brain just now crapping itself from being crushed?" Phantom questioned. "What are we watching?"

"DUDE!" Everyone jumped at King Dodongo's sudden shout. "What was that thing it just did with its feet? It was moving them forward but walking backwards!"

"That is called me making your jaw meet your butt cheeks if you ask another stupid question," Gohma contently answered.

"Stop dancing!" Link cried as Majora can-canned by him. "I only have a tenth of my magic bar left!"

"Say it ain't so-O-o!" Majora mockingly gasped. It suddenly stopped and began blasting Link with balls of light.

"BARINADE sees his chance and strikes with the strength of an ox and the cunning of a fox!" He hurled Morpha at the back of Majora's head; the irate ball hit with enough force to knock the former mask's face down to the floor."That is what you get for forgetting the BARINADE factor is the equation that is this battle! For future reference, the variable representing me is BARINADE!"

"**You...**" Majora stood up, its body beginning to twist and pulsate. "Do not **interfere!**" Its limbs became thicker, it developed an abdomen and its head grew to full size, gaining two more eyes and a fang lined mouth. Also, its hands became solid whips that could stretch across the entire room.

**Majora's Wrath  
**_The Massacre Phase_

Tatl looked at Link's beaten and bruised form and then Majora's large and angry form. "This is where I'm going to get most of my laughs before dying."


	46. Brief Happiness

_Here we are, the conclusion to the Majora battle! I think there's just one more to go._

_Several people have brought up the concern of moving on to a different Link in Twilight Princess, but sadly I plan to do so. It's great that people really like him, but the way things are going to happen it must be done (and it would feel like cheating if I kept him). Though I really need to make a conclusive decision on the next Link's character. I have Wind Waker Link's personality completely laid out, but I really need to decide on, you know, the _next_ one..._

_Published July 30, 2011_

**Brief Happiness**

Majora gestured for Barinade to come forward, its whips haphazardly flopped on the ground. "Your challenge is accepted!" Barinade shot an electric surge at it. Majora laughed and, to their shock, front flipped across the entire room with one bound. Upon landing it swung both whips across, taking out Barinade's tentacles and then knocking his head in the other direction.

"All right, Team Ocarina, same pattern as the last final fight." Gohma climbed onto the room. "Start!"

King Dodongo curled into a ball. "Do your thing!" Bongo Bongo propelled him at Majora. The foe roundhouse kicked his larger form, blasting the dragon into a nearby wall. Phantom summoned up a ball of lightning only to have a whip wrap around his head and tear it off. It dodged to the side when Gohma dropped from above, delivering a casual strike to the eye which incapacitated her. Volvagia circled from behind, opening his mouth wide. Majora swung around, throwing Phantom's head down his throat.

"Koume and Kotake's Twofold Transformation Attack!" Twinrova created a tornado of ice and a tornado of fire, sending both at Majora. It cackled, jumping up and dropkicking her in the face. It picked the witch up and used her as a meat shield against Bongo Bongo's incoming fist, pointing the ice wand at his eye and headbutting her from behind. Twinrova instinctively fired, freezing his eye solid.

Majora threw the witch across the room, looking down at Morpha. The ball sat at his toes. "Touch me and you will feel my wrath!" Majora kicked him.

"I AM BARINADE!" Still dizzy from the hit to the head, Barinade drunkenly brought his hammer down on Majora's foot.

It countered with, "I AM MAJORA!" It then furiously whipped Barinade, reducing him to a bleeding pile of indistinguishable body part. It was basically the same as usual, only bleeding now.

"Baaarina_aa_ade..."

"That worked much better last time," Navi commented.

"And these idiots _beat_ me someday," Ganondorf muttered, shaking his head.

Odolwa stepped forward. "It's time for the rise of Team Majora! Everyone, follow my lead!"

"It is just you and I," Goht stated, walking up beside him.

"What? Oh, right, one's on his side, one's a ghost and two are useless."

Igos floated by them. "I shall support you with my words. Go team."

"Thank you."

Sadly, Majora was not one to wait for its enemies to finish planning. It wrapped a whip around Odolwa's head, pulling him into its outstretched foot. From there it kicked him into the air, grabbed him again and threw him into a nearby wall.

Goht rammed it from behind, but the monster simply attacked her back. It struck her in the face and legs, letting loose a flurry of blows.

Meanwhile, Link sat in a corner drinking some milk. "What are you doing?" Tatl asked, smacking him upside the head. "Apocalyptic destroyer of worlds fighting right now."

"I need to gather my strength," Link responded.

"It's _milk_. It gets you drunk. Actually, go ahead. If I'm going to die today I want to die laughing. Continue." Tatl looked around, seeing Ganondorf engaging Majora now.

"I'll give you credit, you look a bit more credible now," Ganondorf taunted. He shot at Majora; it sidestepped and whipped him across the chest. "Of course, if all you can do is whip it good then I don't really see much of a threat in you."

"Why do you all insist on talking so much in the middle of a fight?" Majora jumped across the room and kicked Ganondorf at point blank range, throwing him onto his back. From there it took advantage of its downed opponent, whipping him over and over and over and over.

"I, BARINADE, SPEAK BECAUSE-"

Majora spun around, knocking Barinade down with both whips before doing a full circle and going back to hitting Ganondorf.

Just before they hit Ganondorf grabbed both of the tendrils, holding them tightly. "All right, I'll shut up and just kick your ass-"

Majora yanked, pulling him upright and then delivered a drop kick to his head.

"...I'm going to fall down for a while. Nighty night." He dropped.

A ball of ice encased its head as fire bombarded its body. "No one hits my son like that but me!" Twinrova's act of speaking _after_ attacking proved effective as Majora swung around wildly, striking whatever it happened to hit.

"**Stay down!**" Majora finally pinpointed her and wrapped her wrists and wands together, throwing the witch against the ground. It grabbed Ganondorf and brought him down on her in an overhead arc.

"BANZAI!" Majora turned around just in time to see Odolwa slice one of its whips in half.

"**You die first.**"

The two halves rejoined right in front of Odolwa's eyes. "That's ba-" The other whip wrapped around his throat, with a yank from Majora squeezing tighter. Majora flung him into the wall, not releasing, and then began to use him as a weapon against the stragglers. Upon seeing his sword lying unattended, it grabbed it with the other whip and began to twirl the blade around the room.

"Oh for crying out loud... Get that away from him!" Navi ordered, pointing at the obviously deadly weapon.

"What about Odolwa?" Link questioned.

"If you're up for it."

Link stood up, putting away the empty bottle of milk. "I feel like I could use up as much magical energy as I want!" He shot a disk at Majora only to have it hit Odolwa in the face as he swung by. He choked out something incomprehensible before being thrown into a wall and released.

"Ready for round three?" Majora laughed, letting one whip rest on the ground and another spin with the sword through the air.

"No, I'm ready for round _four_!" Link ran forward, sword held high. This proved to be a critical mistake when Majora wrapped a whip around his waist. "Uh-oh."

As Link became a tetherball, Gohma got an idea. "SUPER GOHMA PUNCH ATTACK!" She smashed Link in midair, punching him into Majora's face. Link was freed from its grip, letting him launch some lasers at his stunned opponent. Majora screeched as the disks tore into its body, bright white flashing through the room.

Link eventually stopped, staring into the glow. "Did that do it?"

A tendril came out, wrapping around his face. "**No.**"

With an upward slash Link severed the tendril near its end. "AHA!" He grabbed the severed limb, shouting, "Get over here!" and pulling Majora. As it stumbled he began slashing, carving deep wounds into the monster's torso. It screamed as he brutally tore it apart.

A blast to the head stopped Link's carnage. "HEY!" He cut down the still alive Odolwa mask.

Unfortunately, this gave Majora time to roundhouse kick him across the face and jump away, its blood falling across the room. "Watch out, he's going to start ineffectually whipping you again," Ganondorf blankly stated from a corner.

Majora reached up, pulling a giant spiked top with an eye in the middle from its forehead and throwing it onto the ground. It spun in place momentarily before making a beeline for Link. "AH! Get away!" He hit the top, stopping its spin. As it spun to a halt it violently exploded, blasting Link off his feet.

Majora proceeded to pull out a half dozen of these and scatter them across the room.

Even though they were sitting on the sidelines, several tops spun toward the irate bosses. "Fuck off." King Dodongo blasted one with a ball of fire. It went airborne, spinning across the room and into the back of Volvagia's head. It then exploded. "Sweet, that worked out."

"Don't worry, I can handle them!" Odolwa shouted, reaching for his sword. It wasn't there. "Oh, right... But I can still BURN EVERYTHING." He began dancing, summoning a ring of flames around several spinners. Sadly, metal does not instantly incinerate when in fire nor does it repel like hitting a wall, allowing them to spin through the flames and into his kneecaps.

"HEY! ASSHOLE!"

While nursing his wounds he looked around for the source of the voice. Gyorg sat on top of one of the weapons, steering it right at him. "Oh bugger."

Link shot a laser at Majora but before he could continue two tops cut into his legs. He screamed out and tried to smack them away. They exploded, just like before.

"Stop hitting them!" Tatl commanded.

"But that's the only way I know how to solve a problem!"

"Well then you need to give your system of ethics a complete overhaul in the next two seconds or you are going to die."

"I don't wanna do either of those..."

Majora dropkicked Link in the face. He fell onto a top which then blew up, further adding injury to insult.

It brought its foot down on Link's chest, cracking the Fierce Deity's armour. "HAHAHEHAHAHEHEHE! This is so much fun! It's been so long! Tell me hero..." It stomped on him again. "...what's your _favourite colour_?"

"I like red," Link said, struggling to sound upbeat as his ribs were smashed once more.

"Red, eh? I like red too. Do you know why?"

"Because it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside when you're surrounded by it?"

Majora began grinding its heel into his sternum. "Close... You see, when I get to see my favourite colour, people tend to _stop_ feeling warm and fuzzy inside. That's because what makes them warm and fuzzy is on the _outside_. I will demonstrate. Tell me hero... who's your favourite friend?" It stomped on him again.

"Ganondorf," Link choked out, looking up at the ceiling.

"Ganondorf..." Majora scanned the room. "I don't see him anymore..."

Ganondorf dropped from the ceiling, driving his sword into Majora's back. "That's because you were flapping your gums for the last minute!" It jerked backwards, staggering off of Link.

Link quickly got to his feet, a fairy sacrificing itself to heal his wounds. He brought up his sword. "Prepare to meet Kali... IN HELL!"

"...What?"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

He brought the helix blade down, cutting Majora's head down the middle.

All combat in the room stopped when Majora let out an ear splitting howl. It began to glow, convulsing wildly and swinging its whips at anything within range. Then, it stopped. The glow intensified as its body began to dissolve, the room itself starting to shake.

"This better not kill us!" the red Twinmold shouted.

"If it does it's your fault!" his brother rebutted.

"How the hell is it _my_ fault?"

"Because I said so!"

The light filled the room.

-One bright flash later-

Link, no longer in his Fierce Deity form, looked around the new area. "What-"

-Dawn of a New Day, Termina Field-

He blinked, even more confused. "...happened?"

The moon was gone, leaving no evidence that it had once been just seconds away from crushing the city. All across the world, cultures that worshipped the moon became overjoyed to learn that it had not abandoned them. Seaside countries held celebrations, ecstatic that the tides had stopped trying to kill them. An alien army that held the intention of invading the planet crashed into it and exploded, not expecting the satellite to randomly appear in space again, saving the world in another way.

"What happened?" Tatl asked. "Did we get warped out of there or something?"

Tael fluttered excitedly over to her, looking very proud with himself. "Looks like it! Man, you should have seen me sis! One of the giants slipped and the moon broke part of the Clock Tower. Being the genius that I am, I foresaw this and picked up Skull Kid all by myself and carried him out to the field. Now all the clocks in town are spinning out of control because the master clock is dead and according to the mayor they had some sort of hive mind."

"That's nice. Is everyone okay?"

"Sadly, yes," Gohma grunted.

King Dodongo gave her a thumbs up.

"Barinade has retrieved his hammer!"

"All's well with me," Phantom answered, reattaching his head.

"I think Kingy's hurt, he might need euthanized," Volvagia hissed.

"Suck my giant dragon dick."

"Relative to your size, I wouldn't say it's giant."

"We just killed off a source of unspeakable evil. Can you two _not_ start this off with a discussion about Kingy's cock?" Morpha growled, clearly annoyed at being an immobile ball again.

"I'm okay," Bongo Bongo said, intent on getting things back on track.

"Perfectly spiffy, eh heh heh!"

Ganondorf grunted and walked off.

Odolwa cradled his sword, whispering words of comfort to it.

"All systems go."

"NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Gyorg was lying on his side, staring off into the distance. "NO! ...NO!"

"He means yes," the red Twinmold laughed.

"...NO! ...NO!"

"I'm fine," Igos du Ikana sang, floating behind Tatl.

"All's well," Navi said.

"I'll live."

"Who was that last one?" Tatl asked, searching for the mysterious voice. Everyone shrugged.

Once everyone was accounted for they began to look around the area. Aside from the fact that half of the Clock Tower was broken the town seemed fine. Three of the four giants stood around the town. The fourth was sitting near the astral observatory, nursing its ankle. The main three were looking down at the unmasked and sane Skull Kid.

Skull Kid looked at them with sadness. "You guys... hadn't forgotten about me...?"

The front giant roared morosely. Skull Kid began shaking, bowing his head and shielding his face from all observers. "You... still thought of me as... a friend...?"

With another roar, the giants began retreating back to their respective lands, singing the whole time. They each took one hundred steps, somehow not destroying all wildlife on the way. The only exception was the eastern giant who had twisted its ankle and planned on waiting a day before heading out.

Skull Kid was silent the whole time, looking away as his friends left again. Link walked over to him. "Hi!"

He looked up at the hero. "You... did you save me?"

"Yup! I'm Link, Hero of Time."

Skull Kid stepped closer, taking a sniff of his face. Link reeled back, gagging at the scent. Skull Kid had been wearing that mask for a _long_ time, overlooking bathing and dental care in exchange for power. It physically hurt him. His eyes were watering. He could _taste _it.

The lost child began laughing. "Hee hee, you have the same smell as that fairy child who kept getting lost in the woods!"

"I wasn't lost, I was intentionally displaced..."

Skull Kid laughed again. "Will you be my friend too?"

"Will you stop trying to destroy the world?"

"I promise."

"Then it's a deal."

Skull Kid cheered, suddenly hugging Link. This also caused Link to start inexplicably coughing as when one does not bathe one body part, one usually forgoes bathing the rest.

"How adorable," Gohma grunted. "A psychopathic nymph hugging a mentally incapable fairy boy. It's scenes like this that would move my heart if I was just a little less cynical."

"Oh yes," Ganondorf said, grinning maniacally. He ran a stone down his blade, his gaze centred on Link. "Heart... what a great suggestion."

"Yup. Fantastic." Gohma brought her pincer down on top of his head until he was unconscious. "Just fantastic."

"Simply fantastic..." Behind them stood the Happy Mask Salesman, Majora's Mask cupped in his hands. "It appears that the power has left this mask after all... That's good. Now I finally have it back."

Gohma, having yet to have met him, cringed at his perpetual grin. "Your smile gives me the impression that you're going to murder me."

The Mask Salesman chortled quietly. "All in good time my friend. But this mask... I've waited so long to have it back in my hands, and now that I do I have no idea what to do with it."

With the fluidity of a brick Odolwa was beside him, his wallet out. "I'd like to purchase it from you. You have a price?"

"Six hundred and fifty rupees."

"Consider it sold."

They exchanged the items. "A pleasure doing business, sir."

Odolwa laughed, looking at the distraught Gyorg. "The pleasure's all mine, heh heh heh..."

The Mask Salesman addressed Link, saying, "Since I am in the midst of my travels I must bid you farewell." He was suddenly in a bow, scaring them all with how quickly he could move. The Mask Salesman walked through Link and Skull Kid, giving the latter a nice pat on the head as he passed.

He stopped after a moment, looking at Link again. "Shouldn't you be returning home as well? Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. It may only be a few days, it may feel like months, but it is sure to happen someday."

Link shrugged. "I think I'm going to go to the festival for a while. It might have cotton candy!"

The Mask Salesman smiled at him. "It may."

Tatl fluttered over to Link's ear. "It doesn't."

She found herself the focus of the Mask Salesman's terrifying grin. "It may."

"It may," she squeaked, backing off again.

He nodded. "With that, please excuse me." He began to walk again, his masks clanking together noisily. Then he stopped, looking back over the ensemble cast. "But my, you certainly have managed to make quite a number of people happy, all of you. This happiness only be brief, but it has most definitely improved the lives of these people. One good action, no matter how small-"

"Are you going to leave or not?" red Twinmold snapped, all three of his eyes glaring at the man.

He smiled at him. "Your time will come as well." He bowed again. "I bid you adieu." With that, he left.

Odolwa was the first to begin nodding. "All's well that ends well."

Two fairies began punching and kicking the sides of his head. "We're still fairies!" the blue one shouted.

"Nothing is well in the slightest!" the red one screamed, delivering a powerful strike to his ear.

"I could fix that..." Link began to pull out his ocarina to play the Song of Healing. A giant grey hand stopped him.

"Think about this," Bongo Bongo said. "Do you want those two to be the size of mountains?" He gestured to the duo that was beating on Odolwa.

"...Not really."

"I thought so." He pushed the ocarina back into Link's pouch.

After a few more minutes of random shenanigans, ending with Skull Kid running over to the last giant to talk with his 'friend', Tatl and Tael floated over to Link. "Well, both of us have gotten what we were after," the white fairy said. "I got my brother and friend, and you got your interracial life partner. So this is where we part ways, isn't it?"

"No way!" Link began jumping up and down with joy. "I've never been to a carnival before, this will be so much fun!"

Tatl felt her face reflexively fall into the palms of her hands. "I was hoping you wouldn't say that..."


	47. Blatant Sequel Bait

_With this, Group of Weirdos: Majora's Mask is at last over. I knew it was going to be longer than the first but wow, _much_ longer. For those curious the story is saved in three MS Word documents, the first being 122 pages, the second 94 and the third 170. The third started in_ early Ikana._ Half the story right there._

_Upon looking back, there have most definitely been improvements... serious improvements... astronomical improvements... I'll stop now._

_If you're reading this, thanks for reading it, whether you like it or not! Tell me what you thought, good, bad or both, and don't be afraid to do so. I won't track your IP address and send death drones to your house or anything like that. Nope. Really though, I'd just like to thank every one of you guys. To the regulars, you know who you are and you get a :D To the irregulars, hi! I won't go into how I'm happy and sad to see this one end, being a parody of my favourite game ever and all that, just know that I'm going to be doing Twilight Princess sometime soon. Things will be... different to say the least._

_Enough of my blabbering though, this isn't what you're here for. You're here to see Link in pain and Gohma bitchslapping innocents. So go ahead._

_Chapter 1 published January 1, 2010 _

_Chapter 47 published August 1, 2011_

_Total days: 579, output efficiency increased. Woot._

**Blatant Sequel Bait**

"I stand by saying that this is a nice forest."

The huge, dying trees towered over Link, Navi, Epona and Morpha, casting long shadows down on them. "Your sense of beauty is worse than Uglo Buglo's depth perception," Morpha muttered.

"Thank you...?"

"You're welcome you big idiot."

Both of them were in high spirits. The Carnival of Time had been one of the most fun days of their lives. Morpha had even got to participate when Link was playing a game where he was to throw bombs into baskets; he had mistakenly grabbed Morpha and broken the basket, winning extra points for ingenuity.

Sadly, it eventually came to an end, and Link turned in his room key at the inn to venture off. Climbing back up a vertical cliff had been annoying, especially carrying a horse, but they had done it and were on route to Hyrule.

"I still think there was some sort of path just to the left," Morpha grumbled when Link brought up it.

The hero laughed. "Silly Morpha, a hero must always take the most difficult and rewarding way!"

What none of them knew about was the yellow eye staring at them from the rear. It moved in closer, a decaying hand slowly reaching out. Its shadow went unnoticed among the many that already covered them. It tapped Link on the shoulder. "I feel like I should tell you that this was about to shoot your head off." Bongo Bongo held up his other hand, revealing a hogtied and unconscious Ganondorf. "You're welcome."

"Thank you!" Link put him on the back of his horse. "I'll take good care of him."

"I'm also sending you an escort." Goht walked out from behind one of the large trees, nodding at him. "You know, in case you're stupid enough to free Ganny-poo."

Even out cold, Ganondorf still cursed his existence.

-Termina Field-

Odolwa placed the gossip stone upright in the grass. "Well Mr. Gossip, it's been fun. But now you get your last request." He put a bomb next to it, lighting the fuse and quickly backing off. His leg still hurt from the last detonation it had been near. "I had a good time, talking to you. I really did. But I was honestly getting tired of the rock puns after the sixtieth."

The bomb exploded, engulfing Mr. Gossip. As Odolwa prepared to salute his comrade the smoke cleared, revealing that it was perfectly fine. "I guess I need a stronger-"

The stone began to shake. Without warning a fire burst out from under it and it shot into the sky like a rocket, quickly becoming nothing more than a speck.

"What in the fuck?"

-Southern Swamp-

"WHAT IS THIS?" Gohma backhanded the closest Deku Scrub across the room, glaring down at the rest of them. "What the hell are you all going on about?"

"We're forming a union," another repeated. "We feel that Your Excellence doesn't have our best interests in mind."

"THE DEKU GOD DOES NOT LOVE US!" the Deku King cried, weeping loudly in a corner.

"Shut up, you're giving me a headache."

The Deku King suddenly jumped in joy. "THE DEKU GOD SPOKE TO ME DIRECTLY!" He then returned to crying.

Gohma began rubbing her temples, growling. "I think this gig's run its course. I'm going to go find a sentient tree in Hyrule to live inside."

Just down the river, Koume and Kotake watched their shop burning to the ground. "This is your fault, Koume."

Koume sighed. "I know, Kotake. I know."

"I wonder how the Gerudo are doing without us, Koume."

"We're technically still there, Kotake."

"We should go back, kill those versions of us and take over again, Koume."

"We should, Kotake."

They stood in silence for a moment.

"We should get out of here before the blue potions explode, Kotake."

"We should, Koume."

-Up in the north-

"I'm surprised at you," King Dodongo said as he and Volvagia travelled to his tavern. "I never thought in a million years that you of all people would ever want to get a drink at my place."

Volvagia chuckled ominously, flicking his tongue across his lips. "Things change," he hissed.

They soon arrived at the entrance. King Dodongo poked at the bulging door, scratching his head. "That's weird. I guess the wood is warped." He opened it.

A flood of water burst forth, slamming into the Dodongo King's face. He was blasted back, rolling down a nearby hill as everything that used to be in the bar floated along with him. Eventually the torrent stopped, revealing a soaked and ruined cave. King Dodongo staggered over to the hole, staring in horror. "My bar!"

"How tragic." Sharp appeared beside Volvagia. The dragon gave him a wallet full of rupees and he saluted, disappearing again.

King Dodongo fell to his four knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

"And now, the tragedy turns into a comedy. I wish I brought Gyorg along."

"...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

Speaking of Gyorg, the small fish flopped through Termina Field with nothing to do. He had no purpose in life. Everything he had lived for died along with Majora, leaving only an empty void in its place.

"Gyorg."

He turned around, gasping. Majora's Mask floated in front of him, waving in the light wind. "Master?"

"I have returned," the mask said. "That foolish traitor who 'bought' me has been dealt with, but I need your assistance to return to my former glory."

Gyorg nodded erratically. "Anything you need, I can do it!"

"Good. Lick me."

"...Huh?"

"I SAID LICK ME."

Gyorg flopped over to him, hesitating slightly. He steeled himself and stuck his tongue out, licking the mask.

"HA!" The mask was pulled away, reeled in using fishing line by Odolwa. "Gotcha! You should have seen your face, thinking the only thing you ever liked was still alive. And I made you lick it. Nope, all dead and inanimate!" He put the mask on, doing a goofy dance. "Look at me, I'm Majora, I try to crush things with the moon and harbour a man-crush on Gyorg- OW OW OW!" He began screaming in pain, pulling on the mask. "IT'S EATING MY FACE, OW OW OW OW OW!"

With a strong yank he pulled Majora's Mask off, the inside of it covered in his blood. "That was weird. Oh well." He put it back in his pouch.

Suddenly, Gyorg had a new purpose in life. It involved Odolwa and pain.

-Ikana Castle-

"I'm home!" Igos floated into his throne room, greeting his two underlings.

"Welcome back, My Lord A!" Cranius declared joyously.

Igos paused for a moment. "A?"

Stoneson filled him in. "Since there are two of you now, you're king A and the other is king one. It makes perfect sense!"

"...I think I'm going to leave the ruling of this dead kingdom to king one as you call him. Say hi for me. Goodbye."

"Bye king A!"

"See ya king A!"

"I am so glad that I'm leaving..."

-Northern mountains-

"...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

-Later that night, Milk Bar-

As the bartender was too terrified to tell his new patrons to leave due to their lack of membership, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Bongo Bongo and Twinmold sat at six tables pushed together, lightly sipping some milk.

"This city bores BARINADE!" He pulled out the Megaton Hammer and smashed his empty glass, gesturing for another. "I have run out of things to do!"

"At least you _can_ do things!" the red Twinmold groaned. He lay on the rim of his mug, half in, half out. "I... I used to be _big_ and have _mandibles_. But now I'm _small_ and have these stupid _hands_." He looked at his hands. "Why do I have hands? What do they do? WHY?" His brother gave him a pat him on the back. "DON'T TOUCH ME WITH THOSE HANDS! Those FILTHY HANDS! WHY DO THEY EXIST? WHAT DO THEY DO?"

Bongo Bongo flipped his glass, trapping the fairy inside of it. "As great as it is to be somewhere new, my business partner is having a mental breakdown and I want to go back to my drum. I'm going back to Hyrule tomorrow morning. Whoever wants to come is free to."

Everyone went silent for a moment, faintly hearing, "...oooooooooo..." in the distance.

Being the only one who was both large enough to properly use a mug and have a mouth capable of ingesting the beverage, Phantom just nodded along while drinking his milk. "I'm also curious if they brought Ganondorf back without any real problems."

"I trust Goht with kicking him in the teeth every time he wakes up," Bongo Bongo said. He looked down at his untouched glass of milk, wondering why he even had it to begin with. He slid it over to Phantom and continued. "All in favour of trekking back to Hyrule?"

"Aye."

"AYE!"

"Aye."

The red fairy forced the glass off, shoving it onto the floor. "What are we agreeing to?"

"Going to Hyrule," his brother said.

"Where's that?"

"I'm not sure, but it's probably better than here."

The group spent the night in the Stock Pot Inn. Don't ask how. Midway through, Bongo Bongo had to go to the bathroom for a midnight... what _does _he do? Regardless, he stumbled upon an interesting sight.

A very thin arm was sticking out of the toilet, grasping at the air. "P-paper please!" a voice from down the hole said.

Being in a good mood, Bongo Bongo grabbed the roll of toilet paper just out of reach and gave it to the hand. "Thank you!" It retreated into the hole, handing back what was left after a minute. "Sir, may I shake your hand?"

So they shook hands.

"You hand is big," the toilet man said.

"And I'm afraid I'm going to break yours in half."

All was well.

-Hyrule, an indeterminate amount of time later-

Princess Zelda was not nearly as concerned as she felt she should have been when a giant metal bull dropped a tied up Ganondorf at her feet. "Thank... you?"

The situation explained itself when Link can around from the bull's rear, holding Morpha under one of his arms. "You're welcome. The world is saved once again!"

"Oh... Link... Hello... So great to see you..."

"I think it's great to see me as well. Have I missed anything big?"

"We had a horrible and bloody war with the Frulvakia country to the west that ended with us wiping it from the face of the earth. Many lives were lost."

Link and Morpha began cheering. Link attempted to high five Morpha but this only resulted in him palm thrusting the orb into some bushes.

Zelda chose to ignore this. She summoned several servants and military figures to take Ganondorf away, dragging him indignantly. The whole time he said nothing, only glaring as he disappeared from sight. "I think that's the last we'll ever see of him." She quickly ran her index finger across her neck, cackling.

"I desperately hope so," Navi sighed. "He's too troubling."

"I wish you'd reconsider," Link said. "He's my friend after all."

Zelda began choking on her own words immediately. "HE'S... HOW THE HELL... HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU! HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND YOU MARKER SNIFFING ASS WHISTLE! HOW IN THE FUCKING WORLD DID YOU COME TO THAT CONCLUSION?"

"Just ask him. He'll explain everything."

"Not after we cut out his vocal chords he won't..."

Link, having an indecipherable thought run through his mind, decided that it was time to check on his potted fern. He climbed onto Goht's back and asked someone to throw Morpha up to him. After a few minutes of searching they determined that Morpha was no longer there. "Where'd he go?"

-Elsewhere-

"Morpha Balleball, you are charged with attempting to usurp the title God of the Seas from me, Poseidon, and infringing on the copyrights of hell. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"First of all, I don't have a last name so DON'T CALL ME THAT IT WAS STUPID!"

"Duly noted. Sir Richard Hell IV, current owner of the rights to 'hell', do you have any comments to add?"

"Pish posh, this imbecile has tarnished my family name."

"Also noted. Morpha Watewat, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Yes, I do! First of all, people say hell all the time and no one's sued over it. What the hell's the big deal with it this time?"

"People kill other people all the time as well. Are you saying that just because we don't catch everyone, we should not punish those we _do_ catch?"

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!"

Poseidon paused for a moment, obviously having not expected such a stupid answer. "I don't even have anything to say to that. Morpha, you are hereby declared guilty of all charges!"

"I DIDN'T EVEN GET A LAWYER!"

"I'm a god, I don't care. Your punishment shall be... polymorph!" Poseidon pointed his trident at Morpha, shooting him with a bolt of lightning. In a flash Morpha was no longer a rough, blue ball but a sleek looking eye with improved movement capabilities. "You will stay in this form for one thousand years! You will no longer be able to control water, though you may generate a permanent protective form of your choosing."

Morpha looked around, an unfamiliar ability. "So I'll live at least a thousand years?"

"Yes. Maybe even more, I didn't make it very specific."

"...And I can actually take a form now?"

"Yes, one that will suit your needs. But no controlling water!"

"Oh. How terrible. You monster. This is the worst punishment ever. Whatever will I do now? I hate you. Well, I'm off to be awesome, ta-ta!"

-Kokiri Forest-

Link tossed the scarecrow out the window. "From now on, my house is _mine_!"

Navi looked between Link and the horrible mockery. "Why did that scarecrow look like you?"

"It's a long story. I made it so people wouldn't think I left looking for you. By the way, where'd you put the pizza?"

"That wasn't a long story at all!"

"Indeed it was not!" Kaepora clucked from a tree branch just outside the window.

Link promptly screamed. "HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE!"

The owl laughed, turning his head upside down for no reason. "Child, I've known where you live for a _long_ time."

"Did you follow us all the way here from Termina?" Navi asked, glaring at him. Kae Gae laughed again.

"No, I got here long before you did, but not without leaving a surprise for an old friend."

-Bank of Clock Town-

"WHO REPLACED ALL OF MY DELICIOUS RUPEES WITH THESE SMELLY, ROTTEN OWL PELLETS? OH THE HUMANITY!"

-Link's house-

Kaepora laughed again. "If only I could see his face... Anyway, I'm here to congratulate you, Link! You successfully survived- er, got through two adventures, saving the world on both occasions. I watched you grow from a short, stupid little boy who would walk off twenty foot drops for quite literally no reason into a less short, less stupid little boy with surprising combat aptness and... well, you don't walk off ledges anymore as far as I can tell. Or through fire. Really, what were you thinking?"

"It's not even solid!" Link groaned, sighing in exasperation. "Just jump through it!"

"Or you could put it out so you don't get burned. We're getting off topic, let me finish. The growth you've shown has been astronomical. I'd say you've gotten a thousand times better! Granted, one thousand times zero is still zero, but let's say you were zero-point-one when we started for my speech's sake. If you manage to make it through the next few years of life without provoking Bongo Bongo into killing you, I'm sure you'll grow up into a fine, contributing member of society one day."

"I'll do great," Link said, striking a pose. "After all, what's the worst that could happen? Sure, the candy party Zelda told me Ganondorf was going on which I'm pretty sure means they're going to gore him may crash and burn and he may get, uh, sealed up away again, angrier and much much more powerful than ever only to... trick an eccentric idiot into freeing him in a dozen- wait, no, _hundred_ or something around there years letting him loose on a world without me, Hero of Time, to stop him, forcing some other, reluctant and really wimpy fake hero to go out on a journey that will be no doubt incredibly painful and full of suffering, but it will be okay... because, uh, he'll get a lot of help and will be able to send Ganondorf back to the 'candy party' Zelda wanted him to go on and then everyone will live happily ever after except Bongo Bongo because he's ugly." He looked at Kae Gae expectantly.

"You can't beat the master. I heard every word you just say."

"...Well screw you." Link grabbed at the edges of his window, trying to shut the nonexistent sliders. He eventually succeeded in tearing the sides of the wall, pulling the wood together but leaving two more holes around it. He settled with shooting at Kaepora with an arrow.

"SON OF A BITCH! Fine, I'm leaving!" The owl took off, crapping on Link's front porch before disappearing over the trees.

Link cheered, holding an open hand for Navi to high five. She did so.

"This calls for a celebration!" Link declared, walking over to the exit ladder.

"Uh, Link, watch out for-"

"CRAP!" He slipped on Kaepora's droppings and fell to the forest floor below. This hurt.

"Yes, the crap."

-In a canyon somewhere-

The invisible soldier sat on the cold ground, hurt and out of sight. "I feel forgotten..."


End file.
